Risky Behavior

A 2 yr old who's had 3 mommies?
The poor kid could use some stability.
Let's assume you have every intention of hanging around forever (or the next 16 years - which ever comes first) despite not being in a relationship even though you sleep/have sex with Daddy.
This might be difficult to do when Dad moves on to the next mommy/roommate/bed partner/daycare provider.
He's got no commitment to you - he could walk out any day - and she's his daughter - he has custody (sister? Who/how is she related to everyone in this situation?).
Putting all that aside - even in the most stable loving committed married relationships - the terrible 2's and 3's can be pretty rough.
I've got hand it to the guy, he should be a dairy farmer.
He milks a situation like I've never heard of before.

If you don't consider yourself in a relationship with this man, then paint me purple, strap on a joybuzzer, and call me Jimbob. Because you're in a relationship. This loser is not just a roommate.

If you think he is, or you're letting him call you a roommate with benefits, then you're being used for sex AND as a free babysitter. He has no business allowing his daughter (niece-to-adopted-daughter, apparently) to call you "Mommy." You have no business allowing it either.

She only has ONE Mommy and that's the mother who gave birth to her (even if she no longer sees her Mommy... one day in the future she very well might and that woman alone deserves to be Mommy). Instead, in her very short life she has had to call three women Mommy, including the ex-girlfriend that your non-boyfriend allows his TWO year old to still spend days at a time with.

Daddy is pawning off his little girl on every woman he can find except her actual Mommy. When she comes back from Fake Mommy #1's house, she's difficult to handle. When Fake Mommy #2 has a fight with Daddy, she's difficult to handle. Hmmm, I wonder why?

This is a bad, bad, bad, bad situation. If that "man" has two daughters then I really fear for them and how they're going to grow up. If YOU have a child, I fear for what you're allowing them to witness. I sincerely hope you have ironclad birth control. And a plan of getting out of that place.

EDIT: You know what, in your other post you stated that your bed-buddy's daughter was still having sleep-overs for days at a time with her adopted mother. You never clarified if that adoption was legal or verbal, by the way, you only stated it to boost your post somehow. ANYWAY that doesn't sound like a woman abandoning this little girl.

If you've been around "almost a year" and you don't consider yourself in a relationship with this man in spite of being his bed buddy and doing EVERYTHING a couple does and co-parents do, you're fooling yourself. It's semantics and this guy is a creep for not owning up to the terminology. But until you marry this guy and adopt that little girl you don't get to let that little girl call you Mommy.

Okay, so you are in a fairly committed, sexually active, living together relationship that fights like a couple and raising a child together... but you aren't actually together? So, basically, you are in a relationship... just not calling it one. This child is going to grow up so screwed up! You two don't even know what the hell is going on, how can you expect a little girl to?

Of course she is confused, she needs some stability, she doesn't even know what a mom is and she is only two, how long can this keep up, will she have new mommies every other year? Poor little thing. I agree with Bug, her dad is putting his desires over the needs of his baby, and it is at the expense of his child being confused, conflicted and frightened.

And um yes... 3 "mommies" for a 2 year old little girl IS a revolving door of women. She should be calling you by your name, not mommy.

I read this post and the other one, and I have to tell you, you have every reason to be concerned that she will be messed up from what you are doing.

She has been abandoned several times. Your roommate's ex adopted her but then abandoned her? Adoption is forever - so if that's what happened, it wasn't a well-thought-out situation.

She calls you Mommy? You've got to be kidding. There is no theory of child development under which this is okay! You are not in a "relationship" with her father but you sleep together and you fight in front of her. Of course she screams and throws things - she's imitating what she sees with you and her father.

I would get some immediate and very serious family therapy where this child is the center of it, and get some really good advice about your various relationships. This child is not coming first at all. You and her father are in a selfish relationship that defies definition, you spend time "as a family" but you aren't committed so I guess as soon as one of you meets a special someone, the living situation will change. And then where will the kids be? You mention her "sister" - who is that child? If it's not this man you live with, then it's not her sister.

You are confusing the hell out of her and you think crying and wanting the best for her will make it better? I'm sorry. It's not up to you. It's up to her father to be her parent and to pay for whatever childcare he needs for her. She needs to understand the difference between a babysitter, a parent and a family friend.

She has called 3 women Mommy and you guys think that's okay. It's not. If you are desperate for help, you will put your own selfish wishes aside (the desire to be called Mommy) and get her some serious professional help, lest you leave her with a legacy of mental health issues. Don't wait another day.

Why defend this guy as your "great friend"? Ask yourself -- don't get defensive and protective of him, sit down and seriously ask: What makes him a great friend?

The fact he gets sex from you but won't make any commitment to anything beyond having you as a bed partner?

The fact he gets free babysitting from you? In fact -- he gets you to PARENT his child, not just babysit, but he doesn't have to reciprocate with any commitment to you at all. You are acting as this child's mother, emotional support, school pickup driver -- and he has you doing it all because you love this child. Not because he has any commitment to you or to the three of you as some kind of family unit. No, "family time on Sunday" does not count as his "contribution" to this situation.

You are being used, used, used. Used as a sex object who also is willing to parent a child not your own. The poor little girl needs a real parent and he is not one -- because he is letting someone else do his job. That someone else is you. When you tell him you are tired of this arrangement and want something more from him, he will pull up stakes and leave and take her with him, no matter what he may say now. He can find other women who will be his great friends and care for this child and sleep with him. Sorry, but that's the upshot: He's getting everything from this relationship, and you get a lovely little girl over whom you have zero rights. He can walk out with her any time at all and you will be left standing there, broken-hearted.

You write that you're scared she's going to "end up messed up in the head from something we are doing." She's already getting messed up -- do you see that? No child should have called three women "mommy" in just two years of life. Her behavior is showing that she's in terrible need. She needs stability. But so do you. And if you stay and stay in this situation, you will be teaching her that it's acceptable for a woman to stay where she is used like a doormat.

It will hurt you but you need to get out. Ideally you could get out and take her with you.But you have NO authority over her future. And eventually he will take her away when he tires of you and wants another woman to sleep with, no matter how great a friend he claims you are.

I agree with the other posters, you ARE in a relationship, a messed up one, sorry. There is no way this child should be calling you "Mommy," until or unless you and your male "roommate" are married. Because...if he ever chooses to leave (and you can't he won't) to her she will have lost her mommy. She needs to call you by your name, regardless of if her bio or adopted mom are not in her life. You are not her mom, sorry.

She is uber confused about what is going on around her, get her into therapy/counseling as Bug suggested, she's been through a lot. Try it yourself so you can see what you're doing. And her dad, don't get me started! You both need to think of her and what she is perceiving as her world.

I just don't understand how it is that you two are "friends", sleeping together "and what not" and parenting together. Do you consider this "friends with benefits"?

Why are you parenting with a man whom you don't love? I don't know what you and this guy got in a fight about, but you have no business playing house with a man you don't love and toying with this little girl's heart. What's going to happen when you meet a man you want to actually love and be with,a real relationship like men and women usually share? You'll up and leave too, and this child will have lost another mother. I'm sorry, but you don't have any business playacting being this little girl's mother for the next 16 or so years.

While you are busy being unhappy and scared for the short term, you are ignoring the long term implications. She is showing you right now the long term implications. She knows full well what all this screaming and hollering means. It's the same thing her daddy did with the other two women. Why wouldn't she think you are leaving too?

You've made a big mistake taking on this mother-mantle. This child will pay the price.

Tell this man that if he yells at you one more time in front of this child, you will leave. And mean it. He is dumping this child in your lap, like he did the other girlfriend. Maybe you just want a place to live for free or reduced rent and consider it your "job" to babysit, but you aren't the nanny - you are acting like she is your daughter.

This man needs to be more involved with his child. HE needs to do the mothering every single minute that he is not working. You need to step back and get out of the picture the moment he walks in the door. Act more like a nanny and less like a mother. Hopefully this little girl's heart can transfer over to him a little at a time.

I have a friend whose step-son was thrown away by two women. The difference in her and you is that she LOVED the father and married him when the boy was 4 years old. So she was mother number 3. She did her best with him, but that kid was a royal terror. And YES, the father was a loose cannon and screamed at his kids and threw things at my friend. That boy quit school halfway through his senior year in high school and thinks the world owes him a living, and that he is "too good" for regular jobs that people without high school degrees usually get. My friend finally divorced this man with anger management issues - good for her. But the children bore a lifelong brunt of all of this.

You have some real hard choices to make here. You need to look at the angles you have heretofore ignored - the angle of the next 16 years, and why on earth you would parent with a "roommate". It's actually a really selfish thing to do, Jessi. Unless you can actually tell yourself with perfect clarity and honesty that you are committed to not being in love and living with this same man for the next 16 years, you have no business living with this man and putting this little girl through the ringer.

Dawn

poor baby. i feel unhappy and scared for her that she is being raised in such unstable and unpredictable world.
what on earth does it mean that you sleep together, raise a child together, spend time 'as a family' together, scream and yell in front of the child at each other, but are 'not in a relationship'?
ugh.
khairete
S.

I feel bad for this child. Her world must be a very confusing place with so many mommies and mommy figures. Your roommate, friend with benefits, has to be confusing the heck out of his daughter. Children needs stability. They need routine. They need for adults to keep adult problems between the adults and not placed on the kids. All of that is why this little girl is acting out. She may need counseling, but it cannot be fully effective unless her dad gets some counseling and makes some changes himself too.

You are unhappy and scared and right to feel both ways.
This situation can not be good for you or the girl.

I understand, having come from a crazy family, exactly how you got into this mess. I want you to know you have other options and you need to move out and move on. You deserve better. She deserves better.
This can only end up hurting you and her even more.

PLEASE get on good birth control. You don't want to have a child with this man who will then treat your child the same way.

how was he with his ex for 3 years and fathered a baby with another woman during that time?? and not have a revolving door?

I'm confused.....do you guys live together platonically or are you friends with benefits? Baby is 2 years old and you need to be very careful. She is very impressionable and picks up on all behaviors. Do you guys plan on marrying? Is there an agreement that will allow you in the baby's life should you 2 not get along. There are too many issues here that do not allow me to comment properly. In your hearts you mean well, but this union may not provide the stability baby needs. Fighting just adds to it.

time to make this a real relationship or to walk away....

before DFS steps in. This is wrong on soooo many levels.

please read every single one of the responses listed under both of your questions & take them to heart.

& what I want to know is: where does the sister fit in? Who's her parents?