Response to Advice

Have you had him evaluated for sensory input issues? He doesn't need to be on the autism spectrum to have such issues. If you have a Children's Hospital nearby, I cannot recommend their services highly enough. No harm in an evaluation and if he would benefit from sensory integration therapy, they can help.

He sounds, honestly, like a very bright, sensitive child. It's very common for preschool-age children to respond to things that are hard for them -- sensory overload, transitions, a parent's illness -- by revving up their motors and getting themselves all torqued up.

First and foremost, I recommend the book The Out-of-Synch Child.

Also know that, as kids mature, they either outgrow or learn to manage a lot of these issues. For the short term, though, he can probably benefit from all the calming skills you can pass along. When you see him working himself into a tizzy, try redirecting him into something that's either calming or stress-relieving. For some children, the solution is "Let's have some quiet time and read a story." For others, it's "Let's get out your energy and run really fast." You just have to try both and see what works. But the idea is not to wait until a behavior escalates to the point of warranting a punishment. Catch him in the process of torquing up, and redirect him to more productive behavior. If you're able to find a pattern that works with this, he'll start to redirect himself.

In terms of your illness (and I'm sorry, by the way), my observation is that children pick up on a lot, but they often misunderstand. So he may know that you're sick, but his worries may exceed the actual situation. My recommendation is not to deny that anything is going on, but to give him the tools to understand: As in, "Do you remember the nice lady we saw who got to ride in a wheelchair? She could go everywhere everyone else could go, even though her legs didn't work; she just got to ride on wheels. Well, mommy can walk, just like you, but mommy gets tired a little more than some people. So my doctor just says I have to take a little extra rest. It doesn't hurt, and I'm going to be completely fine. I just need extra resting time." Something like that.....

And, finally, you might consider meeting with a neurodevelopmental specialist and trying to get a referral for OT. As the mom of a sensory-sensitive kid myself -- one who's made amazing strides (though he still hates crafts) -- I can say from experience that OTs can work wonders.

Hi C.,
I have read both of your posts here, and gathering all the information my thoughts are: you need to calm down, change your behavior and tactics, and then find different ways to discipline your little one. It seems to me that he is an highly sensitive child who is reacting towards your uneasiness. He is just four and very sensitive, which makes things a bit harder; he is sensitive about emotions, noises, changes, everything.
Do not punish him, but discipline him and guide him. Do not get mad at him or desperate, and do NOT cry. Be nice to him, but be consistent and firm every time he misbehaves. If you gave him a time out, do not give up because he cried, moved or laugh; keep doing it and find a spot where you can see him and he cannot play with something else (a chair in a hallway, a chair in the kitchen in front of you). He will try to move somewhere else, you go pick him up without saying anything, and make him to sit down on his "time out spot", he did it 3 times? you do it 3 times, until he knows you mean business. You do not give up.
Praise him every time he behaves as expected (describe exactly what he did: "Wow, Tony, you didn't cry at bed time tonight, that is very nice!), and reward him when he really behaves wonderful (no toys, a special dessert, a trip to the playground, a colorful book, etc). Also, keep a consistent routine of meals and bedtime for him until he gets use to his schedule. Encourage him to enjoy school and show him a happy face when he leaves for school.
(Honestly and because I am a home schooling mom, I would home school him, and I would take him to beautiful and calm places to learn!, and I would have a nice study room with lots of books and colorful posters to teach him)

A. ;)

When my son was 4, we went through an extreme attachment phase, where literally every time we left him - even with people he knew very well - he would have a massive meltdown. I even sought the help of a psychologist. It was that bad. And basically...there is nothing at all you can but set a routine with him and ignore it. That's what I found from the professionals.

As far as noise goes, it may be a stressor for him. It is for me. Loud noise and sudden noises (that I don't expect) produce an anxiety response in me. I have learned that over the years. My immediate reaction is defense, anger, and a spike in body temperature. I have learned to navigate this, especially having small kids, but he's too little to understand.

I think the best thing you can do is set expectations with him, and talk to him and what to expect from others when you go somewhere. If he knows it's coming, he may be able to adjust his reactions a bit.

You might want to look into books on the highly sensitive child. Those children may be more prone to problems with tags, seams, noise and changes in their lives. You can also do some research on preschooler anxiety and separation anxiety. If he doesn't like noisy children, why not find something else for him to do? A quiet museum? A library storytime? Etc. Something more calm and quiet may appeal to him more than a playground at this point. I would give him time to warm up in preschool. Read The Kissing Hand, give him a kiss and a good bye and trust the teacher can handle it. Praise him when he brings home a craft or participates in class. Lots of new kids may simply be overstimulating and overwhelming.

Get the book "The Kissing Hand" It is about a little raccoon who doesn't want to go to school because he'll miss his mother. It's really a good little story and it does work.

Have you had him evaluated for Sensory Processing Disorder?

His sensitivity to sounds and tags makes me think he has other sensory issues.

My grandson is SPD..... there are many facets to SPD, including those that avoid sensory issues like noise, or those that are sensory seekers, the ones that like to spin, or touch, or jump... they are seeking sensory input. Some kids are sensitive to oral issues, and are very picky eaters, as a result.... my grandson also doesn't like things hot.... hot temperature outside, in cars, or hot (temperature) foods... he always wants us to cool his foods for him. He also was very sensitive to noise, but has gradually gotten used to some of his "hot button" noises. He, too, is sensitive to tags. My daughter cuts them out of his clothes.

Occupational Therapy can really help... they can give you suggestions to help desensitize him.

http://spdfoundation.net/about-sensory-processing-disorde...

I would suggest talking to your primary care provider or pediatrician for a Sensory evaluation.

i have no doubt that he's in a great state of anxiety about you. you are super-stressed and have not thus far been able to hang your hat on a calm, reliable parenting philosophy, so in addition to the health fears that are underlying everything, you haven't provided your son with a safe reliable base on which to plant his little feet.
getting him evaluated is a great idea. but nothing will really help until he has boundaries and rules that he understands, and a calm settled home life.
khairete
S.

One of my children often didn't participate in preschool when he was four, and one didn't like loud noises at that same age. Both liked to be with me at that age.

It's probably normal. I don't know about your illness, but if he knows you are ill, then yes, he could be worried about it.