Responibilty

I think it's the age I have two 8 yr old little girls that are doing EXACTLY the same thing. It's like I have taught them nothing, but just 6 months ago even the the younger 8 yr old of the two (one is mine, one is my husbands -- they are from previous marriages) was an absolute angel and the biggest help I could have ever asked for. I now have to fight and scream just to get her to clean up her toys and take care of her clothes etc.

Hope this helps.

I have a 13year-old(well nest April)son and now when he leaves his shoes outside and they get soaked it's his fault not ours(normally we'll tell him to get them and if he opts not too than what happens happens)And when it comes to homework it's my ds jobto make sure it's done it's his responsibility not mine.He knows what happens grade wise(and than being grounded)if he opts not to do his homework.
Every Thursday night at my house is clean your room night.Everyone(parents too)Everyone from myself and husband down to our 3year-old has to clean their room...if not than they don't get anything special(and yes anyone who cleans does)
But i wish i could tell you things get easier but we are hitting puberty and i don't know who it's worst on me or him

I have learned with my 8yr old, that she needs to take on the natural consequences that happen, if she doesn't do her homework, I let her teacher deal with it, which was tough because she wasn't getting in trouble, so I emailed the teacher and asked her to give her an extra sheet, or something as a consequence for not doing her work. If she does not get ready for school in time, ( I do not nag her anymore, it isn't worth it) I leave for the bus at a set time, if she isn't ready she has to hurry to get there, if she misses the bus, she has to pay me a dollar for taking her to school, which is a huge hit to her now, because she is starting to save money for things, that has helped a lot. If she would have left her shoes out, I would have made her wear them ruined. Just things like that, I find that the natural consequence holds more weight then me taking something away. I hope that helps a little.

hi L.. i bet its exhausting with finishing school and raising your children and being there for your family! im sure you are so tired! i think it sounds like you are doing great. i love that you are paying them good attention when they listen and do great things. i think thats awesome and sometimes parents overlook the good behavior and only focus on the bad. also, i think you are doing great as far as disciplining them. i dont have any boys. but my sister has a son who is 7 and is starting to be rebellious with her. so i might tell her about some of the things you are doing and please let me know anything else that seems to be working for you! i hope that with your continued persistance and consistency that you see results. little boys can all be a handful at some point. i dont think you are doing anything wrong. in fact, i admire you seem to have a lot of patience with them! my sister sometimes i see her back off of a punishement and take pity on my nephew when he gives her the pouty face of finally says hes sorry. she doesnt always stick to her guns. now hes not my son, so i cant really say if thats the problem, b/c im not the one dealing with him everyday. thats just what i see as an outsider. so congrats on deciding to set some boundaries. i think you are on the path to raising some fine boys!

Hi Larissa,
It didn't really make any sense until I read your "about me" section. Do you realize that the addition of your newest child is most likely the culprit to the behavior of your other two? When exactly did this start with the twins? Twins get a lot of attention just because they are twins to begin with. Now you have a new baby in the picture. Who is getting more attention now? While the twins are 8 years old they still crave attention and yet they don't care if it is positive or negative attention. Weather you are yelling at them for leaving their shoes outside, or saying hey you got an A on that test. They want anything they can get from you because you're wrapped up in a little one. I say this because I saw the same thing happen with my own children. Once you recognize it, you can sit down and talk about it. At 8 years old you can ask them what will make them feel better and if their feelings are hurt. They are old enough to tell you. If they are looking for more time with you they will tell you.

Hope this helps!

M.

Hi Larissa,
Good for you for reaching out!

I can't suggest highly enough these two books, changed my life...Liberated Parents, Liberated Children and
How To Talk So Your Children Will Listen, and How To Listen So Your Children Will Talk by Faber and Mazlich

If it were me, I would first of all be trying to see what changed in the twins' life. Are they around new friends? Is there something going on in school? How do they feel about their teacher?

When people are traumatized, they "space out". With children that age, trauma doesn't necessarily look like what would stress us out as adults.

Then, I'd see myself as their advocate. Talk about it. Tell them they seem to be in a period where they are having a hard time with certain things. What would they do? What can you do to help them remember? How do you feel? How do they feel?
Not a time to lecture.

There are tools, mostly taken from those books...one that I used a lot around that age is "You aren't old enough to do this yourself yet, so I will help you until you can." Big motivator for my guys. They were so proud, then, when they remembered.

I'd leave notes, cartoons. Leave a picture on the door or a note "Fun shoes for Fun things" or "Make Mom Smile. Play Shoes for Play Time"

Change the sign now and then so it doesn't get old.

If they still forget, put a note on the shoes "I'm a dress shoe, and I hate it when I get dirty."

If you see it happening, my response would be as brief as possible.."Play shoes!" or "You look ready to go out to play, but one thing is missing..."

Homework, I don't blame them!! In class all day, then coming home to more. I'd want you to do it too. I don't know the dynamic, but perhaps it is also asking for your attention?
Maybe make it a family time, all together at the table with a snack?

That's a tough one. I tend to "play dumb" with my two when they are trying to get me to do the work. "Oh gee, I don't know...where is the equator again?" Or, I see myself as their educational advocate...I'm there to instill a love of learning, not drill fractions into their heads. The fractions go in a lot easier that way.

My sense is they are not thrilled with school for some reason and it is spilling over into "shutting down" on many levels.

I made a shift after reading those books. I have never "punished" my children. I correct behavior, I discuss what I see. My job is to be their mentor. When they grow up, maybe they'll clean their house, maybe they won't. My job was to make them good people.

Walking up stairs has no connection to the behavior and only distances myself from them. As a mentor, not only is it important to help them take responsibility for their home work, but even more so, how do you handle a situation when someone isn't doing what you need them to do?

Can they go into the workforce, be a supervisor and say, "Your report is late, hold these buckets of water for fifteen minutes."? Or, can they remember how you handled things with them and use those tools? Leave the employee a note, say a one liner "Haven't seen your report yet." or if it is chronic, "I am concerned that your work has been late several times..."

There are alternatives and they work. Sit back and think...see where you want them to be, see where they are now.

You are smart to ask if it is just an age/phase. I have learned it isn't worth fighting nature.

Is this something they will correct themselves as they mature? Are they just burned out by the time they get home? Are they being bullied? bored? becoming passive by boring school?

I was getting different behavior from my oldest, and it turned out his teacher was being verbally abusive to other kids. It took a lot of trust and listening to finally find that out.

I hope things lighten up for all of you and becomes fun again!!

P.

I also was a single parent of two and then got into a relationship and had my third child. there are a few things that i can recommend:
1) It's great that you've found someone willing to take on coparenting with you. Be sure that the two of you are parenting the same. Inconsistency on your parts will lead to all kinds of disorder, including anxiety, confusion about responsibilities, attention seeking behavior and they may even mirror the two of you if you have disagreements.
2) I would try to stop disciplining for NOT keeping up with responsibilities and turn things around into a reward system. It sounds like you're doing some of that, but maybe not as a primary source of structure. Things like, you get to watch 30 minutes of tv IF you've done your homework, put your coat and shoes away and ......, you get the drift.
3)MAKE SCHEDULES!!!! Not so much a chore chart, but a daily reminder of what's expected of them. Like a calendar. You can list everything from the morning to the evening and you could have a separate schedule for the weekend or holidays. Start with ' Get dressed - put away pajamas - eat breakfast - pack lunch and backpack --- (post-school) - hang coat and put away shoes - get snack - do homework -....' and so on.

Make sure you hang their schedules in a place they can see them and make sure they know how to do the things you're asking of them. Do they know where all of their things should go or how to clean the way you expect? It may take a couple days to get the system down and you can revise as needed, but it will really help.

You will be relieved from so much micromanagement and they'll be able to feel proud and know that you're proud of them, not just getting in trouble all the time!

Good luck!

I have done all of the above and more with my 8 year old. It must be an age thing. There must be something that means enough to them to motivate them. I tried earning money for accomplishing school tasks. That worked for a little while. I talk to him constantly about speaking respectfully to me because that has become a big issue- the back talk, I know it all thing.

I put him in karate to help get some of that extra energy out and help him focus. That definitely helps during the week. My best advice is to continue to be consistent with your expectations/praise/consequences and hopefully they will come around.

My 8 yr old is the same way. Lately, I have to remind him to do things a hundred times. I'll sit him down to start his homework and then start dinner, next thing I know he's playing football, or making paper airplanes. He used to be really good about cleaning up after himself and now I find his trash everywhere. I don't know if it's the age or him trying to get my attention. My husband and I have been working alot of hours lately and he has had to go to work with us sometimes. Not very fun for an 8 yr old.

Dear Larissa;

Please don't think me critical...I want to help. You have a situation that is common today; children by one man...singleness...then another man, and a baby.

This is a recipe for some 'confusion'. Your boys are feeling 'left out' because you have two 'new loves'. They have also lost their father, (and it isn't a question of whether he was good/bad/ugly)! We are inextricably 'linked' to our blood relatives, and...strangely...might hate and love them at the same time.

Step fathers and step mothers CAN be wonderful...but they are human, too. They may try very hard to be a good parent...but the stress of rebellion/disobedience in the 'step' children can wear them down eventually.

I can imagine the stress you are under with this; you likely are desperate...which increases the stress...and CAN cause you to overplay the 'discipline'.

I would suggest that you discontinue any attempts to 'make' them behave. (There is a great difference in discipline and 'force'...but we can't always see it when we are so close to the situation.)

If possible find a sitter (maybe your husband) occasionally and have some good time alone with the boys (not forever...just while you are getting organized). All of us tend to note the 'sweet little baby'...but when the baby is a part of a 'new' relationship, it can grieve those twins who once were "mama's little angels". The twins are not "cutesy 'ittle babies", but inside they are hungry for your approval/affection.

Take your time...and build your family together with respect. Your husband appears to be willing to accept the boys...but, if problems continue, he may find it hard to do. Maybe he would take some special time with the boys, and help them to trust him. He can become BETTER to them than a father if he shows patience and REAL CARING with them.

Our world is currently full of broken families. We must work hard to 'make' a real family out of that brokenness. It CAN be done...but not with 'demanding' that children perform 'normally' in a situation that (for them) is NOT normal.

In short, your boys seeming disobedience IS A BID FOR ATTENTION. (It results in 'bad' attention from you...but that is better than NONE.)

Only LOVE can provide the stability that you want...and love is a hard prescription to administer.

To better understanding...
KayMarie