Remarriage

He may have a good reason. Maybe he's concerned with messing up the girls' family dynamic while any of them are still living at home. I actually think that would be really respectful. Maybe he doesn't want to get married while any of them are living at home in order to avoid stepping on their father's toes. I don't really know. As the previous poster said, you'll just have to ask him.

I don't think you should be insulted.
He has no kids and he may just want to make sure that your children are steady and on their feet before the two of you make a committment and know that you can just go and do and be free as you please pretty much.
I've been divorced 14 years. My daughter is 24 and on her own.
My son is 14 and I feel like I still have a few years left before I would want to get serious with someone. I'm looking at that from a woman's perspective and maybe he is kind of feeling the same way. Yes, you will always be the parent and yes you will always be mom, but, maybe he's thinking that when your kids are truly on their own, you and he can just have a blast together
and it can be your lives.....
That's what I'm waiting for.
I don't want my ex husband being able to scrutinize someone I care about and once my kids are grown, they can support me or not, it won't make a difference in their day to day life.
Maybe this guy truly just wants to be sure you have your kids grown and happy so you can embark on whatever journeys you choose together.

I have made the choice not to get serious with anyone while I'm raising my kids as a single mom and frankly, I would be happy to find a man who really cared about me and cared about my kids being raised first.
I don't think it's that he doesn't care for you or care for you kids.
It might be that he's being more caring than you think.

That's just my opinion.

I wish you the best.

what is he waiting for?
You will still have your kids no matter how old.
One does not stop being a 'parent.'

My friend, had a boyfriend like that. Never married, never had kids. She meanwhile has 3 kids.... in middle school and high school. Her then boyfriend is now her Husband. He loves her kids and pretty much adopted them. The kids love him. He is a good "Dad" despite never having biological kids himself. He is a great "parent" and fully participates in their lives.

Your Boyfriend has cold feet... or insecurities. He wants you, but not until your children are 'older." Um, they seem older to me already. They are adults. When is older, old enough? To him?
To me, he is just giving excuses... and shirking responsibility.
You can't get rid of your kids, no matter how old they are.
He can't make you choose, between them and them being 'older'... and that being contingent on IF he marries you or not.

Next, if you both get married one day... WILL he want kids of his own? Will you want a baby with him? Have you both discussed that? Or if he just against children? Married or not? You and him having kids? Does that matter to you?

You've been with him for 4 years already. That is a LONG time.... and what is he waiting for? He should know by now if he wants to get married or not... and he has to accept you are a "parent."
He is not a 'new' boyfriend... he is a boyfriend you have been with for FOUR years, already.

all the best,
Susan

Never choose to be insulted if you have any other choice. It won't enhance your relationships or your personal happiness.

Could it be that your boyfriend just has cold feet about committing for good? It would be worth talking about his own view of your future. If he's been comfortable for the last 4 years, he may not see any real need to change. It might be eye-opening to find out what his views of marriage are, or aren't.

Good luck!

.

Interesting. Why does he want to wait? What will change when they are older? You are right- your role as a parent never ends, they will be in your life always... he needs to understand and embrace them or he isn't the right man for you. Good luck!

I wouldn't be insulted. But I would be curious. You don't give specifics, but pretty much your kids are grown - do any of them still live at home? Does he live with you? Where will you live when you are married?

I would ask him what he thinks will be different AND what he considers 'grown'. Maybe he is thinking that they will be out of the house and so it won't be as big of a transition for anyone if you wait (nice & thoughtful). Maybe he wants to wait so that you and he can get your "own" house (hmmm, have you discussed that?). Maybe he wants to wait so that your kids are grown and he won't have to have anything to do with them ever again (YIKES!). You would have dramatically different reactions to all of those reasons.

It's really hard to tell what guys think - even when you ask them directly!!!!! Certainly, if you only have one statement it's hard to tell what he means.

Good luck!

Is it possible that he is worried that your daughters will think he is trying "to be Daddy"? If they are grown and living away from home and the two of you move to a different home, then he will be one of the adults of the house instead of "he married our mom and moved into OUR home". Have you dicussed how life would be or how your daughters feel about you marrying this man? Do they like having him around? Do they treat him like an authority figure or at least with respect?

Wait, does he already live with you? Do any or all of your girls live with you? Is he still in another home? Are your daughters moving out as they graduate high school, or are they living with you through college and "planning" on moving out after college?

You WILL always be Mom, but the way families work when the kids move out is different than when they were under Mom's roof, or at least they should be. If he does not live with you, he may be hoping to have an extended honeymoon and not have to worry about being fully dressed every time he exits the bedroom. Right now, at least one of your girls is still in high school, I'm guessing. In this situation, he needs to be mindful of them being there and not running to the fridge in his civvies (or less). He may be worried the girls will "hear y'all" through the walls. You cannot be running off on a month-long vacation with a minor at home... it's not fair to leave her in someone else's care for that long.

If the girls are out on their own then there won't be discipline issues such as curfew, talking back to you, etc. If your daughters say something rude to you as minorts, he may be worried he'd make things worse by sticking up for you or defending you (it happens in some families), even if it's just a low-key "respect your mom".

Also, you say "I'll always be *the* parent". He may already realise that you don't want him to discipline or reprimand your daughters in any shape or form. That won't work in most families. If the girls figure this out, they could make life hell for y'all if they didn't want you two to get married.

I'm just brainstorming here :) I would definitely discuss this with him very intensely and I would find out how your daughters feel about it, as well.

Good luck!

Talk to him, have him explain his thoughts to you.
Maybe he will have a good reason.
Or
Maybe he is scared and he needs more time.
Or
Maybe he doesn't really want to get married, and he is trying to have
his pie and eat it to but not have to pay for it.

You never know until you ask him.

= )

I wouldn't be insulted by the fact that he wants to wait until they get older. But I would stress to him that things won't be much different between you and your kids when they get older (I assume by your description it won't be). Does he want them out of the house? Obviously, whatever the reason(s), you need to be clear first about how you want/picture things will be after you get married- now AND later. And of course you need to know his expectations- the details. Everything needs to be out in the open and you can work and compromise from there. Perhaps even just a one-time counseling session would help you all put things into perspective. Good Luck! ...and don't get too hung up on it, you all love each other (right?), and you should be able to work things out.