Religion - Campbellsville,KY

I would never expect or demand that my children follow my religious or spiritual beliefs. To me, it's an intensely personal decision that most of us question, explore and investigate over a lifetime. As a parent, I believe we take our kids to whatever religious services and doctrine we believe in and want them to follow and as they grow and mature, they decide for themselves what they're going to believe. She's 15 -it's time for her to question EVERYTHING! She may come back to your beliefs or experience great joy in finding one or some that make much more sense to her and make her feel peaceful and whole. There are SO many battles to fight during adolescence -this isn't one I would pick. Let her go her own way -she ultimately will anyway, and if you try to force her to believe and practice as you do -there's no quicker way to turn her off of your religious beliefs forever.

I myself am a Christian and I praise my mother daily for taking me to church, Sunday school, surrounding me with people of faith, and living by example. She established a clear expectation of wrong, right, and faith when I was very young, so it was never a question for me. But she was also careful to not get legalistic with me and encourage me to have friends of other faiths, appreciate other ideals, and never be judgmental because someone didn't share my point of view.

I can imagine you are hurt by your daughter's choices. I've watched a progression of this with my SIL, she's now 21 and a pretty self assured Atheist. Most of the family is terribly bothered by her choices...for good reason. Granted, my husband's family is very loosely Catholic and didn't do a lot of definitive religious teaching or church going with the kids, so it's understandable to me that she would question faith because she didn't get a particularly strong foundation. I pray for her all the time because debating, and inciting her to argue or get defensive do nothing but push her away. I once told her that I respected her for questioning and wanting to seek out her own place of faith or no faith as an adult, but that fundamentally she needed to know that I disagree with her and always will and if she wants to talk about it, I'm here, but otherwise, we leave it alone.

I think the expectation of your child to attend church with the family is reasonable, she is still a child and needs to abide by the rules of the house. You also have a right to monitor her friendship choices and activities, again, she is still a child. But, she's also on the road to adulthood and is going to question and ultimately determine her own beliefs. Best thing you can do is live by example, don't shove it down her throat, and give it up to God in prayer. Have confidence that you have laid the ground work as a parent and God will do the rest.

Interesting question. I see you are the same one who just posted a question about a friend's 15yr old daughter who is "madly in love" and going on dates with a 28yr old man. I also just noticed your name of "Houchy Mama" and your profile says you llike to hang out with "frands". I'm beginning to think you are quite young. Maybe I'm wrong and forgive me if I am. But, these are pretty big and serious issues that deserve attention and I'm happy that you are reaching out and asking for advice. But, the religion question from "Houchy Mama" has me very stumped and I'm really not sure how to answer. I had advice for the 15yr old dating the 28yr old man, but I will leave this one to these wonderful women. Good luck to you.

My parents were Catholic and I was raised Catholic. I did not go to private school so I had to go to CCD every week through the eighth grade. To this day, I'm still very surprised at what I learned and the close-minded attitudes of some of my CCD teachers.

When I lived under my parents' roof I had to follow their rules and go to church. In order to get out of going to church, once I could drive I would either tell my parents I was going to the 12:30 mass (and actually go meet my friends for lunch) or I would go to the youth mass at another church on Sunday evenings with my friends.

The double standard of my church annoyed me, yet we weren't allowed to question it. We're supposed to love our neighbor as ourselves, yet gay people were to be feared, hated, and shunned? We were supposed to do unto others as we'd have done to us yet shooting doctors who perform abortions were okay? Now I realize that not ALL Catholics are like this and that these are extreme examples but still. Finally, I thought we were all equal in the eyes of the Lord yet the message that was pounded into our brains constantly was that Catholics were the 'chosen' ones. Don't even get me started on creation...!

Bottom line, I hated church. I hated going, I resented not being able to intelligently question beliefs, it was boring, it was a complete waste of my time. After I went away to college I have been to a Catholic service once...when I was visiting my dad and he insisted I go. I got married in a Methodist church because I knew the minister and wanted to get married in the eyes of the Lord...not a Catholic God, a Protestant God, a Baptist God but a religious God.

Honestly I think the harder you push, the more you push her away from the church and/or religion.

Pray for her and let God sort it out.

I am an atheist that was raised catholic. I stopped believeing in god right around the same time I stopped believing in Santa, so by the time I was 15 I was actually very secure in my non-belief.
My family didn't make a big deal about it, but we lived in a very small, very catholic community and I felt the peer pressure to keep attending church. Honestly it made we feel like a liar. I had to lie to my friends, my teachers (I attended catholic school) and put up a whole big act (even being at altar girl at church), though I KNEW that I did not believe. Not the most pleasant experience.

Sure, you can pressure her into attending church and refuse to hear her out about her beliefs - but at worst you will cause her to rebel even more and destroy your relationship with her, and at best she will lie to you and tell you what you want to hear, while still believeing what she wants to believe.

At 15 she is old enough to make her own decisions about her belief and believe it or not, but most people to test their religion at that age will actually end up returning to their faith.
Good luck!

I was forced to go to church and observe all the religious "rules" when I was younger... I hated it and resented having to be there... If she doesn't believe the church, she shouldn't have to go... You can't force faith. Where is the point in forcing her to go to church, if she doesn't believe the message? All you will accomplish is wasting her time, and causing hurt feelings. You might even push her FURTHER away from your faith by pushing the issue (that's what happened to me) At 15 she is old enough to know what she believes...

Forcing someone to believe in your beliefs doesn't go well. It's how many wars are started and how relationships end.

Does your daughter have good morals? Is her self-esteem good? Is she compassionate toward others? If she is a good all-around person? If so, I wouldn't worry.

I do not have the same religious beliefs as my parents. I changed my mind in my 40s. The bothersome part is that my parents, my mother mostly, are upset about it and bring up their beliefs in conversation. It's hightly annoying. I try not to keep those conversations going so as not to upset them and cause them grief. I understand that they are concerned about my soul. They believe in what they were taught as does everyone else who was raised in the thousands of religions that exist or have existed in this world. It is hard for people to accept differences sometimes. Relax and enjoy your daughter. Just because she doesn't believe what you believe, doesn't make her a bad person. Maybe one day she will believe what you believe. If not, would'nt you rather have a good relationship with her?

I would support her in being a good person.

Good luck,
: ) M.D.

.

In my house we worship the Lord. There is no negotiation about where someone is going to spend their Sunday mornings or Tuesday nights but we also don't really practice a religion but teach about relationship. We have open conversations about why we go to church and why we study the Bible.

At one point I was one of the youth leaders and we have a great poster which takes a look at other religions. We just keep open communication. It is very important at this juncture you give her all the tools and resources she needs to make an informed decision but the truth is the Christian walk of faith if just that a walking out what you believe. I know that if she is seeking the TRUTH. She will find Christ for he is the way, the truth and the life.

Have a standard in your home but welcome her to explore the truth and trust God for the rest. Each individual's walk is their walk but she will learn the most from how you walk and work out your faith.

Continue to practice your religion as you always have and ask yourself if having her sit in church and wish she was somewhere else is worth it? Religion is something that she has to actively participate in to get anything out of it. If she isn't participating, then don't force it at this point. If you force it, you may push her away in the long-run.

I would, however, not allow her to do "something else" while you and the rest of the family are practicing your faith. At meals, when you say Grace, she does not have to join-in, but she must be there. That is an issue of respect, not religion. When the rest of you attend church, I would take her cell phone and the internet cords with you in the car and she can stay home and get some homework finished. Have an expectation of something completed when you get back- paper outlined, room cleaned, whatever. It's not "kick back and watch t.v. time".

She's exploring her boundaries at this stage in life which is completely normal. Just set some boundaries within that and continue to invite her to participate in your activities. Don't freak if she says "no"... just extend another invite the next week.

With Christmas rapidly approaching you may want a plan in place regarding the religious component. Will she attend the service with you out of respect? I would hope so.

Religion is a tricky subject and is still causing a lot of problems.
I'm very spiritual, but don't follow a specific religion.I want my children to freely choose what to believe in live, rather making them believe what I believe.My children have wonderful morals,volunteer....,are just simply nice humans.Religious people often think, you can't do that without religion, but you can.
I would not force your believes on her right now, let her explore as long as she is a decent human being, and repectful.

You can't force faith and will probably be doing more harm than good by making her go...if I were you I would tell her you understand her feelings and that she is old enough to make some of her own choices...and that the church will always be there for her, if she chooses to come back. I am a firm believer that God loves you no matter what church you belong to!

My stepsons are forced to abide by their mom's religion choice and do not like it one bit...the oldest already moved in with us and the youngest just asked us how old he has to be to make his choice to leave.

You have to tread lightly in the area of religion...and allow your children to feel as if they have a choice in what they choose to believe...after all at 15 kids are very aware there are more than just one religion and they question whether or not you as the parent have made the right choice...which makes sense seeing how most teens think us parents don't know anything, right?

I believe that we give them a foundation. We teach them right from wrong and share our belief system with them. We can't make choices for them. But we can give them the tools to make good choices and teach them that there are consequences to our actions. Be there for them along the way to pick them up when they fall. That's really all we can do. The rest is up to them. 15 is a natural age to start questioning authority and rebeling. That doesn't mean we stop giving them consequences for thier actions though! She's sorting it out for herself and that's ok. I had a bible study teacher once that said if your faith can stand up to questioning than you're even stronger in your faith for it. So, she may need to walk her own way for a little while. Try a few differant things. In the end, her moms voice will still be in the back of her head and the foundation you laid will always be a guideing force for her.

I would talk to her and in my family- my kids have to come to church with me until they are 18 and move out- it's just part of the family rules. I can't force them to believe as I do, but they still need to respect my wishes as long as I am paying for their food/shelter/clothing.
That being said, if you are willing and she wants to look into other religions, I see no problem with you going with her to different services or learning about different religions- I think it is a good thing to do. It really helps you to decide what you believe and why you believe it. But if she is not interested in pursuing a different religion, just tell her that going to church on Sundays is something you do as a family whether or not she believes it. It's just part of family time and she is part of the family. I don't see that as pushing a religion on her rather enforcing family values!
~C.

Your daughter is old enough to choose her religion so if she chooses otherwise, you have to let her. Since she is still a child, choosing a different religion does not give her free reign. She still needs to abide by your rules until she is an adult and to some degree after as long as she still lives at home.

You don't say how she is rebelling. I think she has every right to "rebel" against a religion, but not to your rules or morals. She doesn't want to go to church or give up meat for lent, questions the teaching of the church, oh, well. BUT if she is lying, cheating, etc., those are values, not a specific religion. Let her explore what her beliefs are. These are your beliefs, not her's, and you shouldn't force them on her.

My mom wanted me to be confirmed, but after that, my religion was up to me.

She lives in your home, she should abide by your rules. I'm not sure what your religion is, but if you have other children, you should know that they are watching closely. Of course it would be heart-wrenching to us if one of our kids rebelled. We would not let them go their own way while on out home. We would continue to teach with love and diligence. And, they would be required to join us in our faith practices. Once they are fully independent in all ways, they make their own decisions about these things. It is our belief that we are responsible before God to raise them in the faith.

Just try and come to a compromise...for example, she comes with the family every Wednesday...or Sunday evening, which ever service might be more for her age. Some churches have youth night on Wednesday and have large activities or service projects they go do. Sometimes the Sunday evening service is more informal and laid back and more fun for a teenager.

I would let her choose to go with friends occasionally too if she wants to. As a teenager I was going to 2 different churches, one with my best friend and the rest of the time I was going to the church I had been going to for years, I played softball for both churches and was very active in both.

I had different experiences in each. One was Southern Baptist and one was Pentecostal Holiness. Very different.

My BFF's husband has decided he is atheist and his kids are starting to pick up on it and act disrespectful at church activities they go to with me, they talk during prayer and play and things that are minimally disruptive and disrespectful, but they honestly believe there is no one there listening to the prayer and it's silly...

The Bible promises us if we raise them right and they go astray they will eventually come back to the truth.

i emphatically believe that children should experience their parents' religions, be exposed to others, and be allowed to decide for themselves. my kids always had the option of participating in my religious observances, and often chose to do so. they also went to friends' churches, and we learned about and sometimes visited houses of worship of religions not ours.
ethics, morals and respect are absolutes. the rest is completely personal and subjective.
khairete
S.

I wouldn't let her do what she wants, at 15 she is still a child AND living in your home she needs to respect the family rules and religion. When she moves out then she may do as she pleases you are her mother that doesn't ends when she is a teen and needs your support and help.

I think to many people think their job of parenting ends or lessons when their child becomes a teenager but I think your job never ends it just lessons a bit as the child becomes an adult.

BTW I agree with Mel.

She is a teenager. I don't think she is rebelling against your religion so much as not wanting to associate with being "religious" or a christian, whatever you claim. Keep instilling those values but in a non-threatening way. Show her from your life experiences what works and what does not. Let her come up with the "issues" and you guide her by the principles that dictate a better way. For instance, she may want to do a tatoo on her forehead, instead of telling her "It is NOT right, against our religion, you are doomed, etc"...guide and explain to her from the bible or whatever you use that "it is not acceptable to wear that based on XYZ" and show her the better way. That way she makes the decision. AFter you've done your part, simply pray that God convicts her soul and in time she will come to terms with her own spirituality. All the best.

Continue to invite her and set a good example, you can even have gospel related lessons and scripture study in the home and pray together as a family. Encourage her to go to the youth meetings at least. She will have to make her own mind up eventually, but pulling teeth isn't going to give her a good impression or help her Sometimes, people come around after rebelling because it's just for fun, sometime, they decide to leave church altogether.

Also, it depends on the rebelling, is she out partying, hanging out with people who are bad influences like drinking, sex and such, watching inappropriate movies... that kind of stuff you can control and not allow her to participate in.

Best of luck!

Ask her if there is another church that a friend attends that she would like to go to . THen go to that church and get her involved in the youth group with people she knows.
Find a church where the message is delivered in a more contemporary way, say with a praise band and music you hear on the Christian stations.
Go to a church that has a midweek night program for teens.
I am a Presbyterian. We went to a Nazarene church in the last place we lived because the youth group was so good, there was a prasie band every Sunday and it literally rocked. The kids looked forward to church, they got the message.
Send her on youth retreats if she would like to go.
Make it fun. Find a church that she might like and ask her to please accompany you and that you all wont go again if it isnt; a good fit.
In the Nazarene church they did not say the Lord's Prayer every Sunday or the Apostle's Creed or sing the Doxology, I had a hard time with that part, the Nazarenes did an excellent job, even had the kids run service, with the message, all the music, kids message, the whole shebang one Sunday.
Good luck and God Bless.