Relationships with Our Mothers

My relationship with my mother is great - I am 40 and have 3 children. She's been there for me through all their births and some challenges. I think part of the reason it's great though is because I let it be what it is. She can drive me crazy - I think she's overly opinionated on things and a little snobbish. She offers ideas on what I should do with/for the kids. I let these things roll and move on. If she's irritating me a little then I don't speak with her as much that week. Sometimes she just needs someone to talk to and I listen for her without judgement. I confide in her a lot - but I'm careful not to talk about my marriage because I don't want her to ever get negative opinions about my husband if we are for some reason not getting along.

Well, I love my mom and spend about 2 days a week out with her. Shopping, eating lunch, or just at her house. But I don't have that relationship with my mother either. She looks at everything in a negative way so I don't discuss my life with her like money issues or how my husband made me mad or things like that. I'll tell her about the kids and if I was sick or something like that but I don't share everything with her. I wish I could and I am trying to develop a relationship with my kids like that. When I talk to them I remind myself to just listen and respond in a positive way. I hope to have a best friend relationship with them. My mother tells me everything though. I wish she didn't because she's too negative!

Yes, my mother drives me completely insane. As much as I love her, I can't be around her too long. She lives 600 miles away, and we only see each other a few times a year, but I've learned as I've aged that she's created a lot of stress in our lives.

She has a poor relationship with her own mother that hasn't been resolved. At 97, my grandmother isn't going to have enough lucid moments to work on repairing all that damage. I've learned my mother has the emotional capacity of a 13 year-old and really plays the victim well. Nothing is ever her fault.

When I was diagnosed with cancer, she said she'd call me every day. That lasted 2 weeks. She can't even remember what kind of cancer I had - that hurts me terribly. Now, she has a lump on her rib and all the signs of cancer, and I wonder how my life would be if something were to happen to her.

She's not there for me emotionally. We don't talk except superficially. She's more concerned about petty things, and I'm less concerned about them. So, we don't have a lot in common. She couldn't understand why the color of napkins wasn't important at my wedding when they were at my sister's who let her have much creative liberty.

My mother wants the world to see her as someone other than she really is. She blames my father for not giving her the life she thought she'd have (instead of having created it for herself). There is much depression and anxiety under it all, she is a hoarder, and she is very defensive when you confront her about any of them but won't seek help for herself.

So, my relationships sounds like it's the same as yours with your mother. I work very diligently on not becoming that person myself with my kids.

Cherish the good parts of your mother now before she's gone. Maybe her mother never gave her the love she wanted and she doesn't really know how to act. It's easy to complain but sometimes we just don't know the whole story behind people's actions. My father is sort of like this, but I also know his mother was very cold and picked on him alot when he was a boy. It makes it easier for me to understand, why he is the way he is. Love your mothers good parts and stop focusing on the bad.

Great question! My mom and I have a great relationship. We we had our differences sometimes during life, but they were very far and few between. My mom just has a way about things that is hard to explain. My mom is now 84 years old and living in an assisted living facility, so she doesn't help much, but she is still positive and has spunk. My mom has awesome parenting skills. She is kind, loving, energetic, very intuitive, patient, and very positive about life. All of her kids adore her. I wish I were more like my mom, but I'm more the opposite. In fact, I'm more like my MIL, if you can believe that one! I've been a mom now for 15 years to three children ages 15, 4, and 8 mos. My 15 year old daughter has been estranged from me for 3 years now and we have minimal contact. I love my kids and they know that, but I'm just different. I'm more moody and self-centered. So, you see, not all of us turn into our mothers (and for some of us, that is unfortunate:( The words of wisdom that I try to live by are: be the best parent you can be by being empathetic to your children and love them unconditionally.

M

wow. it's comforting to see that I'm not alone. A few years ago I heard the term "narcissistic personality" and went bingo. My mom is interested in her perspective and not much else. She does do some kind things, but only as much as she thinks warrants. (again from her point of view)

What helped me the most was when someone said that she wasn't going to change. It sounds obvious, but I have (and still do) wanted her to change. It wouldn't be much for the most part, but she isn't interested in that. Letting go of this was so helpful for me. Mom is content with how she is and is not going change that. (I've heard that that generation has a bunch of this type of personalities. And she like another poster also prefers to get her identity from her husband instead of creating one of her own.) *I* would like a 'real mom' but it's not going to happen. <sigh>

I just meet her on her level and call it a day. I guess my way of rebelling was to be a person that *did* things, instead of wanting them done for her. And also a person who learns, grows and changes. It's been a hard road to relearn things, but I really like that I am open to to new things and improvements.

If you're into books, Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride that is highly recommended.

Not sure if this is where you're coming from. If it is, feel free to email me. If not, thanks for the post. I am always comforted by the reminder that it really isn't me, though I've been taught that my whole life.

My mom used to drive me batty about everything! Then I had my daughter and my mom suddenly died when my baby was 8 weeks old. I never realized how much I relied on her and really wanted her advice to help me with raising my daughter.

Yes, many of our moms aren't perfect. But neither are we! Appreciate them for what they do offer and accept them for what they can't offer!

Just my two cents!
C.
www.littlebitquirky.blogspot.com

Hi, I think about this alot since I have a daughter. I get along with my mother but its on a superficial level as we have virtually nothing in common but blood. I realized once I got some physical distance between us when I was in my twenties how critical she is. She is not blatantly critical just things like if I got a 98 on a test she would ask why I didn't get a 100 and so on. I am now very critical of myself and constantly fight being a perfectionist...nothing's ever good enough. I know its because of her. I have vowed to not do this to my daughter. I want my daughter to be able to talk to me about anything and when she's an adult...it would be great if she considers me one of her best friends.

If you don't want to be like your mother to your daughter, then don't.

Personally, I found it quite easy not to repeat my mother's mistakes with my own children. I had the perfect example of what not to do.

My relationship with my mother is horrible to the point I won't leave her alone with my child even just to go to the bathroom. Actually Dana and I could have the same mom it sounds like. Everything has to be about her and she is very manipulative. Our relationship has never been good and stems from a lot of different things. I think mostly she wasn't supportive of me as a person, she used to call me fat when I was in HS just as an example. I worry all the time about my relationship with my own daughter and try to not be like my mother in any way. It does bother me that I can't talk to her about anything all of our conversations are about the weather or how everyone is doing. I have a better relationship with my MIL and I am very jealous of the relationship she has with her daughters. I want my own daughter to be able to tell me anything and I hope as she gets older that we never become distant with each other or lose that trust which I know I have lost with my mother and will never regain that.

My mother is single and has her own agenda.. She always says she wants me to have another baby but yet she seems to only come over once per week just to get her mail (her mail comes to my house) and see my son for 25 minutes... My mom is timid yet selfish, does that make sense? She's very shy on the outside, yet very much into what "she" wants on the inside.. She lived with me last summer and it drove a BIG wedge in between us ( LONGGGGG story) and I have A LOT of resentment towards things that happened (financially her cat ruined my 4 year old leather sectional, area rug and runner and she didn't have any money to give us to buy brand new furniture BUTTTTT she always has her hair done, nails and feet manicured and gets lattes every morning before work)... I like that she doesn't butt into how I raise my son though..
My MIL on the other hand, likes seeing my son and spends time with him BUT she also likes telling me how to raise my son and lets him do things that I don't..
I've excepted that my mother is who she is.. I love her but don't always agree with how she handles things. She was a great mom when I was growing up but has become a lot more selfish now that she's older...
Not sure if that helped at all.

My mom is one of my biggest heros. I' m very fortunate. It hasn't always been this way, growing up we were not close; and I would have to take the blame for that. But since adulthood and especially after having my son, we've gotten very close. I had so many things to make up for, I mistreated her very badly growing up and she has always stood by me no matter what.
She is the perfect picture of patience, perseverance, love, forgiveness, and she truly is the strongest woman I know.

My relationship with my mother is very strained. My mother is very insecure and so it is very hard for me to talk to her at all. My daughter is now 19 and she is my best friend. I knew from an early age that I did not want to raise my daughter the way that I was raised. I have always had a very open relationship with all of my kids and I feel that has helped tremendously. We can talk about anything. I am not quite as comfortable talking to the boys in such an open manner like I do my daughter. I would say that now since my daughter is in college that she appreciates me a lot more. My mother and my sister think that they need to step in and raise my daughter now and she gets really irritated with them because they try to micromanage her every move and she is not a child anymore. I give my daughter her space and let her make her own important decisions. If she has a problem then she asks me to get involved.

I do know exactly what you mean about wanting to have a better relationship with your mother. I see that kind of stuff going on between a mother and daughter and I wish I had that great bond but I also realize that there is nothing we can do about the past except learn from it and improve the future.

Your awareness of what you don't want to be is wonderful, and you can thank your mother for that. Otherwise (and this is very hard for daughters to get), don't expect your mother to be anything other that what she is. You know that with your head, but your heart needs some time to catch up.

All the wishing, pleading, or arguing in the world won't change her. If you can make peace with that, you have made a huge stride forward in your own emotional growth and freedom. What a gift that will be to your little girl!

I don't get along that well with my mother. Like my father said once she's very good at knowing what other people should be doing with their lives. We have a mostly workable relationship now although there was a period in my early 20s where every time I'd talk to her on the phone I end up in such a terrible mood that my boyfriend at the time would say, "I don't know why you talk to that woman." My husband repeats this sometimes, although he's mostly joking. She just isn't very good at listening. She often interrupts with unsolicited advice or interrupts so that she can talk about herself. I was so relieved when I found out I was having a boy because I just don't feel like I'd know how to be a good mother to a girl. I know what you mean about being sad. I was very sick and in the hospital a little over a year ago and couldn't help but think that I wanted my mommy but not MY mommy. Someone else's mommy. Or even the mommy my mother was when I was a little kid, before I was old enough to judge. It is easier now that I have my son, he's a pretty effective distraction. When we're on the phone and she starts in I say, "Your grandson did the cutest thing today..." It works even better in person.

My mom is unfortunately completely paranoid and have even been involuntarily hospitalized for it about 3 times or so. I know she loves me very much but she's incapable of being a good mother due to her mental illness and I grew up very deprived of all things normal b/c of her. It's hard not to be resentful but its even harder not to be sad especially when I see some of the wonderful parents that those around me have. I feel such a sense of loss when I see a happy family, a secure child (as I deal with issues from having grown up so haphazardly) and I now realize that those feelings are going to be something I always have to deal with on some level. I would do anything to have a mom who's normal -- even someone who is unavailable -- if my mom were just normal and self-sustaining, that would be a step up for me. All I can do now is try to set aside my issues and be the best mom possible to my son.

Unfortunately I learned that I had to pick and choose what I told my mom. If I mentioned I didn't have any money for example, I would hear then every time I bought something, "I thought you didn't have any money", etc. I think we all learn the limits we have with our moms. You know that you can never change her, so you must take the steps to help the situation by doing/not doing things yourself. I hope this makes sense. Good luck!

Ok - so I am a little late on this one ... the answers are truly surprising - i cant believe so many of us have icky relations with our moms .... i can relate to so many of the answers here - i was getting ready to post my own question and found this post -- WOW -- i was very close to my parents growing up - so close - when i was 21 they divorced - it was awful and hasn't gotten much better - my dad and i can talk about EVERYTHING - he's amazing - yes, we have our moments, but for the most part he's my rock - mom is jealous ... she never wanted a divorce - has had a long time affair and is very set in her ways - needless to say we dont see eye to eye - my kids are 11 & 13 and life is getting rougher with her .... she is all about herself - stops you in mid sentence and changes conversation to her - we 'talk' almost everyday but say nothing - i hear what she's done all morning or day and she asks 'what's going on over there' i say 'not much' and we go on for a few .... i think she feels something is not right but she doesn't communicate - Jan of 2011 i wrote her a DEEP letter - read it to her and begged for changes in our relationship - NOTHING has changed - it's getting worse and the thing is - I WANT A RELATIONSHIP with her - i want to enjoy her - i want to confide in her - i dont even want to think about the day i dont have her anymore ...... but i also cant stand her ..... how sad is that ..... i am not sure anyone will see this reply - i would love any feedback!!

A mother is not supposed to be a best friend. Likewise, our daughters should not be our best friends.

I'm 27 with a strained relationship with my mother who is currently divorcing my father after 30 years of marriage. I have two daughers, 3, and 6.

My Mom is selfish, insensitive, hypocritical, cynical, pessimistic, and downright bitchy at times. Most of the time I find it a pain to talk to her at all. I also love her with all of my heart.

I realized after my parents separated that parents & children are not supposed to be 'best friends'. She is my mother. I don't want a friend, I have friends. I want her to be my mother. I want her to approve or disapprove, give advice, guidance, and unconditional love. You know... the things that a MOTHER does. No more, and NO LESS.

My Mom didn't get it right with me but who knows? Maybe I can get it right with my girls.

My mother lives on the other side of the world. I miss her a lot, although I've lived away from her for over 20 yrs, so I'm used to not having her around. We see each other twice a year. It's not enough. I'm super jealous of friends who have their moms (and dads) living close by. I'm super jealous that their kids see their grandparents all the time. I'm super jealous that they can drop their kids off at grandma and grandpas and go do grown-up stuff without having to pre-book babysitters. Of course, there are problems, who doesn't have issues with family? But when all is said and done, I would consider my mom to be my best friend. Who knows? Maybe living far away from her is a blessing and if she were closer by we wouldn't get along as well. I don't know if I'd be willing to give up our emotional closeness for geographical closeness...

Ahhh, the age old question.

Yes, I believe our mother's mold us. Good, Bad and even the lack of a mother makes up the very fiber of who we are.

We can do two things.....
1. Turn into our mother, which many do. This can be good or not so good :)

2. Take the good/bad lessons you learned and raise your child from that knowledge.

The fact that you are already concerned about your relationship with your daughter is a great sign.

You can't change the past, take what you learned and be the best Mom you can. It's all up to you now. It's your child, not hers, you're the boss now. You can make that clear without offending her, hopefully.