Relationship Problems with Adult Daughters

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I think it's time for them to go.
There are 3 of them. They can share rent on their own place and live with each other instead of taking advantage and being disrespectul to you.

I knew someone who lost her place to live so I offered to let her stay with me for a few days. That turned into weeks. She was eating my food, using my laundry soap and shampoo and laying around on the couch. Telling her she had to go, giving her lists of other places, getting applications for her, she didn't even bother filling them out.
I did something drastic.
I called my landlord and asked for a letter to be written that it was reported I had someone staying with me that wasn't on the lease and they had 2 weeks to vacate or I would be evicted.
Those WERE the terms of my lease and I basically ratted on myself, but I explained the situation to the landlord and the point is....she was gone 3 days later. I wasn't good to her anymore if I didn't have somewhere to live so all the sudden, she found another place.
You might have to do something drastic.

Your kids aren't teenagers. You've raised them. Let the 3 of them figure things out.

Just my opinion.

Hi M.,

I'm in agreement with Dawn...the only thing I would add is to make sure you inform your landlord with a 30 day notice that you are moving. If the landlord wants to allow your disrespectful, adult children to remain then he/she can negotiate a new lease with them. If the landlord does not want to have them as tenants (and I don't think I would), then you tell them that they have 30 days to find their own place too.

I would pack and go before the thirty days is up. Hopfully you don't have a lot to move. Find a nice furnished studio if need be or even a room in a nice home (w/a private bath).

Acknowledging that you may not have been the best parent is one thing, but this does not mean your grown children are allowed to run a "never ending guilt trip" on you. They need to get over it and so do you. You all deserve better.

I would really keep my distance for a few months or more. Be good to yourself.

Keep us posted....Blessings..

It's time for baby birds to fly the nest. You may have to push them out.
They can move out and live together or separately. They can join the Army and see the world (not a bad way to meet guys, either).
You don't beg for respect - you demand it. You are owed it.
And you've earned a good rest from kids who refuse to grow up.
Soon as they are out the door (and you'll be amazed how much money you can save when you're not spending it on anyone else), save up for a trip to Disney World and treat yourself to some fun.

It is time for them to move out.. they are like fish they have hung around too long and are starting to smell. I never would treat my mother this way.

Give them a date of Oct 1st and they must all be moved out. You do not care where just not with you.

This is the motherly thing to do . They need to know you trust that they are all smart young women and strong enough to support themselves.. Then prove it by allowing them to go on their own..

You can love your daughters, but to prove it, you must set them free. They deserve it..

Have you told these snotty girls off yet? You did the best you could with what you had. So, it's time for everybody to forgive and forget and move on in your seperate ways. Mom deserves a life after kids. You deserve to be happy. Go now before there are a house full of grandbabies they expect you to watch for free!
There are things in everyones upbrining that we can point to as why we turned out the way we did. "My parents were too poor and it was embarassing, my parents were too rich and inatentive. They were too distant and unloving, they smothered me and never let me experience things." Whatever!! At some point you become responsible for what you do with it. They can't blame you and mistreat you for the rest of your life. You know, old resentments will poison the well. They are not going to move forward until they let go of that.

I'm sure that you did the best you could. Sounds like you did a good job.
But I think they are disrespectful to you. Have you made life too easy for them? The O. that crashed your car--wasn't there insurance?

Maybe they need a deadline for finding places of their own. I'm betting that once they get a good taste of the "real" world, they'll THEN appreciate what they had with you. Time to push them out of the nest, Mama!

It may be time for some tough love. Your girls are adults and need to learn to make their own way in life, with out mommy or the government paying the bills. Help them get a job or get into school, but do not continue to support them (unless of course they are going to school to better themselves and need a little help during that time, that is different than just mooching off you). And insist on respect. NO ONE would live under my roof if they could not show me the proper respect. Do not let them walk all over you.

It's really hard to answer your question without actually seeing the dynamic. You acknowledge where you went wrong, and I agree you were wrong there; but 2 girls in their twenties should not be talking to their mother that way, especially when she is supporting them.

Judging from your post, I feel you are a little weak, and have allowed them to rule where they should not. When you say your demons took charge, did you end up doing the "spare the rod" approach?

It seems that if you had been that terrible, your girls would not want to be living with you now, so I still think weakness might be your issue.

How about taking some kind of communication class if there's one in your area?

And yeah, I agree with the others, kick them out.

Hi. My heart goes out to you. I know you don't want my sympathy, but YOU are the only person who can make you happy, sad, mad,..... Please please for your own sanity stop playing the victim. We have a family member who is in almost the same situation. If you truly wanted things to change, you would change them. Peace, strength, and courage to you!!

Life is never easy, and there are always things mothers look back on and wish they had been different. It sure is that way for me - and it is for almost every mother of adult children I talk to.

But are your girls *adult* children? Are they being responsible adults? If they are not, then the responsibility for not being adult adults (are you following me?) is not yours; it's theirs! There is a time when one must take all the praise and blame for one's own life, and the time is now. They don't need to feel bitter and tied-down, and you don't either. You've done the best you could for them. Frankly, that's all anybody can do.

If you need some counseling to stiffen your backbone (and I wouldn't blame you if you did), get some. Do you go to church? Start there in your search for a good counselor. You'll need to learn how to tell them that they need to move away, support themselves and be on their own - helping each another, if they want to do it that way. Decide in your mind what the limits are for what you will do for them after they have moved out, and don't go over that limit. (But don't discuss that with them until they're long gone! You're just planning ahead.)

They may be very angry at you, but that won't be any change for the worse, will it? On the other hand, they may find that being away from mama is just what they (as well as you) need and they'll start taking their own responsibility.

And you are letting them mooch off of you why? Because they are guilting you into it? NO ONE made you their doormat. You need to lay some ground rules and if they cannot abide by them then show them the door. You are NOT obligated to allow your daughters to take advantage of you and disrespect you. You are NOT their meal ticket. If you allow them to continue this, then it is your fault. Stand up for yourself. I have kids in their 20's and that would NOT be tolerated.

Sounds to me like it is time for some "tough love"!!! Without more background information it is impossible for us to know WHY the girls are treating you this way but can I venture an educated guess?? I bet that your ex treated you poorly...he was the "king of the castle" and you went along with whatever he wanted, just to keep peace in the house. Does that sound a little familiar??
Well, your daughters are simply treating you the same way that they say their Daddy treating you when they were growing up!!! Until you learn to respect yourself, and DEMAND that others respect you, they are not going to change!!! I have 3 adult daughters and I can tell you that each of them have gone through periods of treating me like you have described!!! My oldest, has learned, after having a child of her own, what a mother/child relationship is all about and I must say that she treats me well most of the time. My middle daughter ( who is the most like me of all three of them...the other two are "their dad with boobs"!!! lol) has usually treated me well, she DOES use the emotional triggers to try and manipulate me but I have wised up over the past couple of years and she is learning that the emotional blackmail doesn't work nearly as well as it used to!!! My youngest, she is the worst right now, I can't say or do anything that fails to set her off. But she will come around in a few hours, or a few days and apologize...she KNOWS she is being unfair...she just can't seem to get a handle on it during the moment that she is exploding.
None of my children live with me, they are all out on their own, one is a lawyer ( although now she is a SAHM) , one is a college professor and the other is a SAHM....they all have their own lives and we get along SO much better now than we did when we were rubbing elbows each and every day.
I agree with some of the other advice you have gotten...find yourself a nice little one bedroom apt....then explain to the girls that they have 30 days to make other arrangements. You might want to talk to them a little in advance...tell them what and why you are planning on doing this. Don't put it out as an idea or something that needs to be discussed...just tell them this IS what you are going to do!!
It is time for your little chicks to spread their wings and fly...and it is time for the Momma Hen to enjoy life for a while!!! Then you can work on building a whole NEW relationship with your girls!!
But first...learn to love yourself...learn to value yourself...and learn to respect yourself...then they will do those things too!!!
Good luck!!

Yes, some big changes are needed as others here have already pointed out. But you might want to start with counseling for yourself and see if the counselor can assess if a referal to a psychiatrist for antidepressants is needed. It depends a bit by what you mean by depressed. Counseling may be what you need to get some perspective on the situation on the changes you need to make. When you try and make changes they will push back against the changes so be prepared for that. (A good book that explains all this _The Dance of Anger_) If money is an issue you might check if SUNY Buffalo or another university with a graduate program in counseling or clinical psychology has a training center in the area. It is a good way to get counseling at much reduced cost (done by graduate students supervised by experienced professors).
I wish you a lot of luck. My mom was struggling with depression for years and eventually got the right combo of counseling and medication when I was in college. It improved my relationship with my mom and my younger sister's as well. Of course it still took me most of my 20's to get my own life together and finish grad school. Perhaps your daughter who is not working can find a community college or job training program so she has some marketable job skills.