Relationship Advice

WOW! a couple of times a week! we're lucky to get intimate once a week! sounds like this is more than a sex thing though... kids and sex are tricky. good for you for seeking out advice and counseling, and good luck!

I'm confused about why women at his place of work appear to be discussing their sex lives publicly. With a man. That in the first place doesn't seem appropriate, and if it's really happening, why would they be necessarily reporting their intimate activities accurately? And for the record, I'm amazed that you can fit it in twice a week. You go girl!

ARG, my husband used to be this way also and it is so frustrating. What I did was made a list of every daily chore and every weekly chore and told my dh that if he wants anymore time togethor than what we already have to start helping with the list. Men just don't realize what goes into our day/week and once I opened his eyes to it he started to chip in and I wasn't soo tired from trying to do EVERYTHING.
Hope it helps, good luck

Thank you for writing this article. It was a great way to express to my husband that other women are struggling with their husbands the same way. We have a 11 months old who still has good/bad nights sleeping. We both work full time. I too, feel the same way you do.
You know that your husband could have sex everyday and you want to please him but when it comes down to it, you would rather finish the to-do list, relax in front of the tv, read a book, and #1 go to bed. I couldn't believe that not having sex as often could change the dynamic of a relationship. I still think this problem could be solved if we both "really understood" where the other one is coming from. In my case I express to my husband that if he helped out more around the house maybe I wouldn't be so stressed and more in the mood.
I wish you luck and I'm sad/happy to hear that there are other moms having these issues. Let me know what works.

Hi C.!

I understand what you are going through. I am a stay at home mom to a 3 year old boy, a 1 year old girl and another 3 month old boy.

My husband is a firefighter and paramedic who works at least 80 hours every week to pay the bills. Needless to see, our physical relationship is non-existent! LOL.

1-2 weeks sounds incredible to me (it's been, uh, well over a month here).

Remind your husband that in order for you to feel physical, you need to have tenderness and your emotional needs met first. Coming home at midnight and saying, "hey honey, let's jump in the sack!" doesn't cut it! (unless of course he wants to go to sleep ;))

Bullying people into sex is unkind and certainly not loving. I think most men with small children would be exhiliarated with sex 4-8 times a month. My husband sure would be ;).

C., I think you are already doing a lot having sex twice a week. Me and husband have been doing the same or sometimes, only once a week, and I think it is perfectly normal, considering we have a 13 month old baby.
Really, don't beat yourself up over this...

C.,
I would estimate 99% of women/new moms have very little libido. When you are a busy mom and "burning the candle at both ends", there is little room for "feeling sexy" and lets face it..a warm bed brings happy thoughts of sleep...not sex these days. Its normal to get less time for intimacy. Unfortunately it can become an "issue" in the relationship, generally the lack of intimacy becomes the "elephant" in the room that no one acknowledges.
Have an open sit down conversation. Tell him that you love him and want to meet his needs. Explain that you are tired. Sex after children is different. There is less opportunity for the fancy dinner and shaved legs. Sometimes you have to squeeze in the quick afternoon encounter while the kiddo takes a nap. But believe me when I tell you, once or twice a week is a dream for most couples. I really don't know ANY moms who are having sex more than that.
Find out how many times a week is "acceptable" and find a middle ground. Tell him if you had more rest/help, you might be more apt to initiate sex. His getting upset is about the quickest way to completely squash your libido. Keep the lines of communication open. Good luck

I have been in your shoes, but we have 2 children. Honestly, there are just times in your relationship as parents that your sex life will seem to dwindle down almost non-existent. Ours was almost non-existent due to work schedules,household duties, child related activities, the kids just plain being needy of our attention, and sheer exhaustion. We worked the opposite schedules and still do, but seem to have found a groove or a tolerence for less sleep, but it will get better.Also, our children are older now, which makes a BIG DIFFERENCE!!!! they are 5 1/2 and 10. (although they still don't understand what a closed locked door means, they knock and knock until you are crazy) just try to have some patience with yourself and maybe have an extra date night in once in a while. It's fun!! Lizz

First of all, why is he talking about sex with women at work? It sounds like he's in the restaurant biz, which I spent many years working in and it can be a very flirtatious environment. I'm not saying you have one of "those" guys, but it could be he's talking to other women (who may like him) and they make themselves sound sexy, therefore he thinks the grass is greener on the other side. Be watchful for this and tell him you could give a poo what other women are doing and this is not a way to make you want to do it. I've been married 7 years, with 3 kids, sometimes we manage 1-2 a week, sometimes 1-2 a month and we are still totally in love as the day we first married, but this fluxuating sex life is normal! I think seeking counceling is a good thing for you. A good, loving husband should NEVER pressure his wife into sex (especially when he's getting a good dose of it!) and I think going to councelling would be a good dose of reality that he needs. Please don't be down on yourself, you sound like you're doing the right thing. Councelling will help, if he goes. Good luck!

Hun, I think this is something almost EVERY woman has to deal with. While women enjoy sex we are not as driven by it as men. My husband had issues when I first became pregnant, he was so used to getting it whenver he wanted it, but we all know how that changes. Toward the end we couldnt do it at all (2to3 months! but we did other things) and then for like 4 months after I couldnt bear it! It hurt so bad. So I think he and his body have adjusted. We probably get around to it 1 maybe 2 times per week and no one complains. Were both tired from long days and realize if it happens it happens, if not then, theres always tomarrow night. But we also spend alot of other time together, we hug alot, do quick cuddles in the kitchen, kisses here and there, and also shower together alot where we can talk and quickie can always be thrown in, which most of it seems like nothing, but I am assuming is giving us some of the intimacy that we would otherwise lack by being just to beat to jump in the 'ol sack. Your husband needs to get over it and himself, stop comparing his sex like to the (probably overexaggerating) women at work, realize you are parents now, and life changes. Try to find other ways to bond and connect with your husband as well. And theres always the "just do it" solution. You may be like "ugh, Im so not in the mood" but if you just let him start "in" on you, and get you a bit amped up, you may say "well this wasnt such a bad idea after all" good luck!

Hey there! I read through everyones answers before I responded as to not repeat...LOL My husband and I have been married for 5 1/2 years and we have 2 boys...5 years old and 2 years old. For the last 2 years we have worked opposite shifts from each other only having Sundays off together as well. The thing I noticed different from my situation and what others wrote here is the man. My husband and I have sex as much as 3-6 times per week!!! Yes...we are tired and it is difficult. But the difference between me and some is I want it! And I want it b/c my husband makes me feel like I am the sexiest woman in the world! I cannot explain how...but he compliments and teases me here and there...like turns a regular comment into something sexy but not annoyingly....LOL I believe that when a man is taking good care of his woman...she feels that. And when he makes her feel beautiful and sexy and comfortable, she feels that too!! So maybe instead of talking to all them girls at his job about how many times they are sleeping with their partners, maybe he should come home, do some laundry and maybe a load of dishes. Then when you get up in the morning, you will see what he has done and you can go wake him and jump his bones before you leave for work! Cause lets face it...the way to a womans heart is through the chores!! And spontenaeity is always a bit exciting:) He should spend more time chatting with you and flirting with you to make you feel good and he will see in turn you will do the same for him:) Good luck!!

I am in the same situation with my husband. He is a chef also and works 9am to 9-10 p.m. mon thru sat.
Crazy hours, and when they get home, they are somewhat wired from working in such a fast paced environment.
I'm a stay at home mom with a 2.5 and 4.5 year olds.
They keep me going non stop and at 9 at night I'm DEAD!!
Then hubby comes home, I give him supper, and by 10 I can't keep my eyes open.
I don't really have any advice for you except sometimes I drink a cup of coffee around 6 pm so I can stay up with him a little later!! I just want you to know that someone else is in your same shoes, if that makes you feel any better!!
Good luck!!

C.,
I can't believe that you would even consider that you are mis'guy'ded. The way that women are wired is that we need to feel loved and appreciated, not groped and incapable.

I have been married for almost ten years and before we had our son, my husband had me almost on a pedastal. I figured this would continue after I had a baby so I really wasn't concerned about 'parent sex'. BOY was I wrong! I haven't been on that pedastal very often since giving birth, but when my husband reverts back to making me feel special I make sure that no matter how tired I am, I let him know that his good behavior is not going unnoticed and I let him know why he's getting lucky. "It gave me so much pleasure that you complimented ....." "It sure helps out when you ..... Thanks for doing that"! It's just like training your son to have manners etc. You catch them when they are doing "good" not punish all the time for doing "bad". Since my husband is very much a guy, I also appeal to his vanity - I've told him that nothing is more sexy than a man and a child (and get a weekend afternoon to myself while hubby hangs with kiddo where ever!!!) This not only manipulates my husband into spending time with our son, but it gives me some much needed down time, if only for an hour and I find the energy at the end of the night to say thank you.....
M.

C.,

My husband would be a happy, happy man if he was married to a woman who had the time & stamina to have sex once month, much less once a week! I have a six month old baby and we both work full time. It's hard to have small children, take care of a house and work and still feel romantic. When I collapse into bed at night, sex is the LAST thing on my mind. I've already been pawed on and slobbered on enough. Tell him it's not abnormal, shame on him for making you feel bad and you DON'T need counseling. My husband says he should fall down & kiss your feet for having sex at all & be grateful.

Good luck!

R. J.

oh my gosh ~ i have a 2 1/2 year old and i'm lucky if me and my husband have sex every 6 months. it might be that the people he works with brag about having sex more than they actually do.

1-2 times a week sounds like a lot to me with such a busy life! I think you're doing great! He needs to work on understanding if he's going to hope to seduce you more...and of course, understanding him is important too...but pressure is not an aphrodisiac. Good luck.

Hi C.!
I am a former teacher, now stay at home mom of 3 boys, ages 3, 19 months, and 7 months. My husband owns his own contracting company and works crazy hours. He and I also average 1-2 times/week, as it sounds like most of the other moms do as well. Although sometimes we don't even get to do that, like right now it has been a week and a half!

Your husband needs to realize that every couples sex life changes after the birth of a child, as does everything else!!! For him to not realize that is crazy, and he should never, ever make you feel badly about not giving it up more often!! He really needs to understand that pressuring you to do it will make you not want it at all.

The other thing is, as some of the other women mentioned, is why is he discussing his sex life with other women?!?!? This would certainly send me over the edge - how would he feel if you were talking to other men about it? I would strongly suggest couples therapy - my husband and I are doing it (not for sex reasons, just lack of help around the house, not appreciating how hard i work, etc), and I have to tell you - it has made a HUGE difference!!!

good luck, hon!

Oh my goodness C.! Im impressed that you can do that a couple times a week with your exhausting schedule. Your child is small now and you have a lot on your plate, but guess what! Wait until they're teenagers staying up later than you guys and coming and going all the time. It gets harder to find time to yourselves to do anything, never mind fooling around. I have four kids, 2 young adults(one lives home and one comes and goes) one teenage boy and a little girl. I'm still exhausted and there is very limited time for privacy. It's almost non existent. Once a month is an effort. No way am I going to let my teenage son or older two think I'm doing that when they're home. My poor husband. He feels a bit neglected but understands and would not pressure me in that way because he knows how important my boys image of their mom is. He admits that he would have felt disgusted as a teenager if he knew his mom and dad were doing hanky panky while he was up at 11:00 doing homework. It's hard to be really quiet when beds squeak and all that. I would be livid if my husband was talking to women at work about his sex life and listening about theirs. My goodness. That's just not right. That's personal and if he wants to talk a little with his guy friends(a little is stressed) then that's fine with me but Not with other women. My children come first and always will and my husband knows that. He feels that he and his siblings came first to his mom as well. He says it should be that way. If my relationship gets ruined because of my lack of intimate availability then that will be unfortunate but again, I'm not letting my sons think of me that way. Yes, they know how they got here but they don't need to hear noises and picture their mother that way. That's just me though.
You need to explain to your husband that you feel worried and concerned that he is talking to other women about your intimate relationship. You need to let him know that you love him, but while raising your son is a beautiful yet challenging responsibility you have a lot on your plate. All of your other daily tasks that you need to accomplish to keep a safe and clean environment for your family take their toll on you both physically and mentally and now you're feeling emotionally overwhelmed as well as he's dropped this sex issue into your lap. I think there are deeper issues here on his part, and counseling would be beneficial at this point as you said you've already decided to pursue it. Good luck to you!