Relationship

As a fellow social worker I want to remind you that it is often hardest for those of us in the helping profession to seek help ourselves. If I were in your shoes I would seek some counseling--with or without hubby. In case money is tight with only 1 income be creative with where you find counseling...try calling 211 if that service is available where you live to get counseling centers, if your employer has an employee assistance program go there, if you belong to a church seek pastoral care, or call your local United Way to find free or sliding-scale counseling.
Good luck and remember that you have to take care of you in order to care for your children and household!

A book that really helped me is "for women only" by Shaunti feldhahn. Sometimes understanding them first and what they are going through turns things around. Sounds as if he is feeling inadequate. That is usually where the jealousy comes from. The "Power of a Praying Wife" is also a good book. You only have the power to change you not him. As women I believe we hold a lot of power to change our husbands when we change. Not saying at all that you are in the wrong or need to change, but sometimes if we look elsewhere for change the solution comes. I wish you the best and certainly have been in your shoes before I wish I would have know about these books long ago.

"The Power of a Praying Wife", is a great read! Think of all the reasons why you married him in the first place. You made a promise to him through good times and bad. He NEEDS you right now. Husbands are generally providers. They feel fulfilled when they are taking care of their family. Assure him as much as you can that you love him and are faithful to him. But, your prayer and loving example will ultimately change him. Just encourage encourage encourage him that things will get better and that he will get a job. Those are some examples. But, make sure you don't ever remind him of the fact that you are the one bringing home the paycheck. When he DOES do good things, take care of the kids, stuff around the house THANK Him. It's through your constant love and encouragement that he will come around.

If he's not willing to work and accusing you of cheating, I say get out now. The longer you stay the worse it will get. I'd say in 5 years he could have found a job. You are very capable of taking care of yourself and your children.

I've been there....sometimes you just have to move on but several things to consider before that happens! Ages of your children.. what are your plans if you do leave? How will you manage....and why can't he work? There's always something he could do...Have you tried counseling? If he isn't working how would he pay child support>>>>so many "what ifs" you need to make a list of good things & bad things on a sheet of paper...then see what is best for YOU ! No one can make that decision for you...how do the children feel about moving away from their dad? Will you have to have child care? Get all your "ducks in a row" before you make a decision...but also remember SOMETIMES it's better to leave than keep the children in a toxic situation.....good luck...!

hello my name is M. I'm going to tell you about my first marriage of thirteen years. In that marriage I had a beautiful daughter. My ex-husband always complained about every little thing in my house and at the same time ignore his daughter who he loved in the beginning. I started to notices a few signs that tells me he was seeing someone else. Usually if a man starts to fight with you about something is because he has something to hide. Start getting evidence. An if you want to get your master degree you can also do it in the internet. If he the type of person who don't have a steady throughout that marriage then he will never have.

It sounds like you already know what you want to do. Following through is important. Currently you are one of the two main role models for your kids. So kudos on being employed and trying to make things work, but you need to also role model self esteem and healthy relationships... so get some individual counseling... and work out all your issues, and then decide if it is over. I don't know your whole story...but based on your question, I would have thhrown him out along time ago...2 kids are plenty of work.. no way would I keep an insecure, jealous, nagging, uncontributing person as my spouse.. because that is no partner and no way to live. PS start behaving like you would tell your clients to if you could. best of luck and I hope you have supportive family & friends

Tawanna,

I am a firm believer that there is always hope. I'm sure you must be very frustrated with the situation you are in. I also feel your husband's jealousy comes from insecurity. Have you tried to help him find a job, something suitable to his needs and yours? As I think we can all agree, men sometimes take a little longer to mature in many areas. I know it took my husband about 7 years into our marriage to understand his responsibilities and take charge. I can also tell you the day our "blah" marriage turned around.

I was listening to Paul Harvey on the radio one day, and he was talking about the percentage of divorces that occur between the 5 and 7 year mark. He explained that its a scientific fact that around 6 years into a relationship, your body physically stops producing a hormone that gives you that "excited, in love" feeling. He said you can easily go into another relationship (extramarital affair, or the easy way out) and your body will start producing the hormone again. But he said, if you can make it past this stage in your relationship, you will find a friendship and love that is stronger than anything you've ever known, and it's a love that you will cherish the rest of your life. I told my husband about what I had heard, and we both admitted that we had lost all excitement, and it was a new beginning being able to open up to each other and talk to each other. We got out of the rut. I know you've been married for 12 years, and you have extreme circumstances, but I hope you will be able to find your way back to each other. All things can be done through Christ our Lord. Put your faith in Him, and all things are possible. Give it all to Him! God bless!

TW
I feel your pain and I want to tell you how sorry I am for you. I known exactly what you feel like. I am in the middle of a divorce from my husband - who didn't take much responsiblitly either. At first it was subtle - he just didn't seem to "tune in" around here and what I am faced with raising 3 children under 5. However, it soon became a situation of him not going to work and spending money we don't have etc...

I finally bit the bullet and kicked him out. Since then, he has totally lost his job and has done nothing to support us for 6 months. However, I will tell you that as my divorce proceeds. I am so much happier. I am scared and don't know how I am going to support us, but I know that I don't have to make excuses for him, or fight with him, or have my life interrupted by his irresponsibilty and chaos any longer.

I can't say that this is the right decision for you. It was for me and I don't look back for a second.

I'll pray for you and hope that you find your path.
B.

It sounds like your husband is having issues with depression and self-esteem. Maybe try marriage/couples counseling.

At what point did you "know" it was over? And yet you still tell yourself you're trying to make it work. And it is definately for the wrong reason. Now your children see their father at his worst, which is not good for them, either, and they see you as knowing what the right thing to do is, yet not doing it. That diminishes you in their eyes, as well.

It's over. Do the right thing.

i think you already know that your relationship has no chance of surviving this or you wouldn't have stated it like you did.... if the feelings just aren't there do you both a favor and move on

It looks like your on a good start with your degree.I haven't been in the spot your in but I think you should do what is right for you and your kids.You can always count on God he is always there with you and he will help you when you need it send a prayer up to him and he will respond to you.Just listen to your gut. Good luck and my the Lord be with you and your family.

I think we have all gone through slumps in our relationships. I have been with my husband for 13 years and have 3 children. I have had to really pull on my heart string with the same question. I always find myself thinking about the kids. Of couse, when I have there best interest at heart I have to choose to stay. It just makes sense to me.

In my 1st. marriage my husband was jealous and accused me of the things your husband does you. Generally it is because they have no self esteem or confidence in themselves. Most of that goes back to the parents. How did they relate to your husband. While you can't have a good marriage by yourself,
you can take care of yourself. Go back to school. Be proud of your accomplishments. Take care of your body, health.
Treat yourself to nice hot bubble baths befor you go to bed. Have lunch w/a girlfriend once in a while. If you have children, do fun things for them.
BUT, prayer does change the hearts of all people.
Pray for him everyday and for him to find a job he likes. It is hard to dislike someone you pray for everyday.

Hi T W,
Hope the door hits his lazy bu*t on the way out. BTW, don't be surprised if he becomes violent, if not already. You are there much too long. I am sorry for you and your children. These are unfortunate circumstances that must be reckoned with. The only encouraging words I could give is to seek family support and counseling as you rid yourself of this worthless character. I don believe he will change. A tough road ahead, but with family and friends help, finish your education and make a new life. You can do it.

Question? What do you want out of your marriage?

who are you trying to make this work for?

No one can decide for you when hope is gone, you are the only one that can make that decision. I feel when you ask that question you already know the answer. He is being unresponsible and only thinking of his own needs and wants; if he really cared about your family you would not be in this situation. As far as him accusing you of cheating maybe he is feeling guilty about something he is doing, thats usually why a man behaves that way. He is the one with all the free time on his hands. Think about it!

When my husband started following me...that was when I had enough. Sometimes he would be where I said I was going, before I could even get there...
I think he cheated on ME and that is when the accusations started from him...I never found out for sure.
The job thing, oh how have you put up with that for five years? I would change the locks and say you aren't coming back in this house until you get a JOB, i don't care what, but it better be something...even 5.85 an hour is better than NADA. You can't respect him, and love turns to hate when resentment and disappointment is all you feel all the time...
I have seen it work with a man who stayed home, but eventually he is your B-t-h! Who needs that. You have to consider your kids, and your own feelings, if you still love him then leaving is not the solution. Maybe counseling, or just some tough love. Whatever you decide to do, good luck.

Your husband seems to have some insecurities if he's making comments that you're having affairs with co-workers. Not surprising sense you said that he's not been able to hold down a steady job for the last 5 years, he probably feels less manly since you're the one working and being the bread winner. Unfortunetly many men feel that if they aren't making more than their wife then they're doing something wrong. It's silly and archaic, but it's the truth. You might try to sit down and talk to him, if that doesn't work you might want to consider counciling. Really you're being mentally abused by his acusations which is grounds for divorce. But I'm not sure if you want to go that far yet.

Hi Tawanna,

I would certainly try counseling first before giving up on the marriage. Even if it doesn't work, at least you know you tried.

K.
www.Health4URFamily.com

Honey, I'm not going to tell you to boot him to the curve or to hang on to him, that is a final decision that only you can make. However, I can share my personal testimonies with you. I was married to my first husband for 5 yrs., had two very beautiful daughters with him and when my youngest daughter was 6 wks old, I sent him packing. He was much the same as you have described your husband. However from the time I was pregnant with my first daughter he ran around on me and I kept ignoring it thinking it would change, he would go party all night and come home at 9 am the next day and act as though it was no big deal, etc, etc, etc. He didn't hold a job worth a flip either. I was 17 when we got married b/c I became pregnant, at 18 I delivered a healthy daughter. By the time my youngest came it was still going on, and I figured out I could do it on my own. So, I made a go of it, and done quiet well. A month after we seperated I had already made enough money to file for my divorce (paid for by me...grand total...$11,000). I worked local construction pulling 7/12's, but it beat the heck out of dealing with a grown child. After I filed for my divorce, he wanted to try and work things out, so for the kids sake I said, "Ok"...it didn't work. Got the divorce and both of us moved on. As of today, we are very good friends both of us have remarried and are happy in our lives. Since our divorce (10 yrs ago)he has held a job from day one. He has become a better person and so have I. I married my best friend, husband, confidant, lover, and my rock when I married my second husband (9th ann on March 24). However, I will not lie to you I have had great pain from my ex-husband since our divorce, he was my High School Sweetheart, My First Love and he could not get it together for us (his first family), yet he has had it together since he married his second wife. They have a daughter together and he has been with her every step of the way, yet when my youngest was born he had nothing to do with her b/c she was not a boy...would not even hold her as a new born. However, when I look at it all I realize that no matter what, I do not want him back, I love My Husband, My Best Friend. My truest advice is this, try to work it out if YOU feel there is hope. You and Only You know what you can handle and how deep your love runs for this man. My second husband and I went through a seperation on 2 seperate occassions, once for 9 months (we still remained friends) and recently for 5 months, but we are back the way we were when we first met. The problem we had was with his job (he was never home), we lost ourselves we no longer were in touch with each other. Maybe you both need time a part for him to rediscover himself and you rediscover yourself. My husband and I have always wrote letters to each other to explain our feelings, maybe you should try to write letters for communication. Honey, there are a 100 different things you can be told for advice, but you have to make a final decision that you can lay down and rest at night with. One thing that I found to help was I wrote PROS on one side of a paper and CONS on the other side of the paper. When I finally decided to divorce my 1st husband, the cons outweighed the pros...and for me it was time to go. i hope you find peace within your home, b/c it is suppose to be the family's place of refuge. Please keep me posted. if you need to talk I am here, b/c this is a life changing decision and sometimes someone to talk to so you do not feel so alone makes all the difference in the world. May Peace Be With You and Yours, C.

you and your husband should read The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands by Dr Laura Schlessinger and may I suggest he read it first, after you both read it ask him straight out if he wants your marriage to continue and sit and have a heart to heart. Good luck

Truly, I don't mean to sound negative and I feel for you and what you are going through. But the comment you made about him accusing you of cheating - - - Honey, they do that to take the focus off of THEMSELVES. I dated a guy once who did that. I was so busy defending myself and trying to explain that I wasn't that kind of person . . . while he was off sneaking around!

If you feel there is still some hope (which, I'm not sure if you really think that because you say you think you're trying to make things work for the wrong reasons), then by all means go to a counselor or a minister or some professional you can talk to. But if you are the only one working in this marriage then honestly, he is dead weight. I know it isn't an easy decision; I will keep you in prayer!!

Relaionships are about Give & Take, sounds like you are doing all the giving, and he is doing all the taking. If you are staying for the kids don't. I watched my mother lose several good years of her life, and ours, trying to make it work. It was much better one she started over. It was better for Her, us kids, and in the long run even our dad, it straightened him out. They never got back together, but had stronger lives.

I don't have your education but I have had this experiance before. I don't think your marriage is going to work. It's the cheating part that makes me lose hope. That generally dosen't get get better. You could try counciling to see if it helped. I feel you are a very smart women with a lot of potential for a bright future.

Hi, I strongly advise you to pull on the Lord in this matter. People can give you opinions but only God can direct your paths. Please, this is one of my favorite and most encouraging passages, read Proverbs 3:5,6 and as you meditate on that God will lead you to other words of encouragement in the Bible concerning your situation. It reminds me of my mate, when I was handling my business and he wasn't, I would always get accused of things but it was only because of his insecurity with himself. He know he's not bringing home the bacon and that makes him feel less than a man, so he thinks you're focusing your attention else where when it could very well be, you're going to work everyday handling your business. I would just advise you to stay very prayerful about things and God will certainly lead you to the right path.

It is really up to you when the relationship is past saving. My husband went for the last two years without employment, and it really took its toll on him. It also took quite a bit on our marriage, as it had me wondering about whether he was really trying to get a job or not. At one point he had a job he just stopped going to. It had me really feeling like I was being taken advantage of. Once we finally talked (took a while for me to talk to him about it without getting angry or upset, which is key because he was angry and upset) it turns out that he was feeling useless and worthless and was sinking into a a very bad depression! It took a while to get him back to looking for a job, and was very stressful on both of us, but once he got one it was the ego boost that he needed to bring him back to his usual self. He thinks he should be the main 'bread-winner', and when he couldn't support us and became depressed, even when he had a job as a prep-cook, it wasn't making enough, and it wasn't his usual line of work and seemed to make him even more depressed. He was constantly thinking I was going to leave him for someone who could 'provide' for me.

So my advice would be to talk to your husband, remember to do it when you are not emotional or angry, and see what is going on. Is it that he is depressed or having a hard time finding good work? Or is it that he isn't trying? The final decision is yours. I was previously married for four years, and it took me a whole year of long talks, marriage therapy, and counseling to finally decide that my original decision was the one I should follow and get a divorce. It is a hard choice to make, and a tough process to go through.

I hope the best for you in whatever your decision may be!

I would give him 2 weeks to get a job or get out!!!A man that does not put food on the table is not fit to eat the meal that is prepared before him!! Ask God ,he is the one that said that one!!!

iN MY OPINION, IF YOU ARE SEEKING ADVICE OF WHEN IT IS ENOUGH IT PROBABLY IS ALREADY ENOUGH. MARRIAGE IS NOT ABOUT MONEY OR WHETHER HE HAS A JOB, IT IS ABOUT LOVE. IF YOU DONT HAVE IT, IT WONT EVER WORK, BUT IF YOU DO YOU CAN ACCOMPLISH OR OVERCOME ANYTHING. I WOULD SUGGEST TALKING TO YOUR HUSBAND ABOUT HIS JEALOUSY. ITS MOST LIKELY HIS PRIDE TALKING. HE FEELS HE IS UNWORTHY SINCE HE DOES NOT HAVE A JOB AND SO ASSUMES YOU WILL GO LOOKING IN OTHER PLACES FOR A MAN BETTER THAN HE IS. REASSURE HIM THAT HE IS NOT A FAILURE. TRY TO HELP HIM LOOK FOR A JOB. BE INVOLVED IN HIS DAY. LET HIM KNOW HE IS THE ONLY MAN FOR YOU AND THAT WITH SOME HELP AND GUIDANCE YOU TWO WILL BE OKAY. BUT GIVING UP ON HIM WONT MAKE THE SITUATION BETTER. IF THE LOVE AND SUPPORT ISN'T THEIR THAN YOU MIGHT AS WELL THROW IT IN NOW BECAUSE EVEN IF HE GETS A JOB YOUR PROBLEMS WILL NEVER BE SOLVED.

have you ever heard of the old saying "the smeller is usually the feller". when you are at work, working, is he cheating on you. a co-worker of mine years ago found out the same thing. she worked full time, he would call around the same time each day to find out when she left or if she was still there. well one day, we told him that she was already gone. he got upset, started yelling at us over the phone. later he would do the same thing, so then we got to telling him she wasn't able to get to the phone because she was with patients. he would by this, but she was already on her way home. he got caught, when he got home she was on the porch waiting for him. he was being dropped off by his girlfriend.

Hi, T.W.
I hope you are doing well today. I realize this is a delicate subject. All I say is that it takes 3 to make a marriage work, God, husband and wife. If God is not in it and has no chance of being in it, it's hopeless. But obviosly you know God because you've had the strength to try to make it work. So now it's up to your husband to realize what he wants and that as being a man, husband and father he needs a job and quick. He has a family to provide for. He also has to realize taking care of a family means more than just bringing home the check. Why is he unemployed so often? Are the jobs shutting down, down sizing, getting fired. You and your children deserve stability and security and if he's not willing (you can't make him, it has to come from within) then as much as I hate to say it, he may not be the one. If he had a job to occupy his mind, he would not have time to be worried about you cheating. Please tell me that he does help out with the children and takes care of the house while you are out being the man of the house? Take care.

You are so patient and wise to stay in your marriage with your husband. It is my personal conviction, based on God's principles which we read about in the Bible, that whenever a spouse attempts to make the marriage work, for whatever reason, it is a good thing. It is a wonderful thing for reconciliation to take place.

I know that it is very difficult especially with your husband's accusatory comments. I am thinking that he may be feeling frustrated and insecure because of his inability to provide a steady income for his family; his lashing out at you diverts the attention elsewhere and keeps him from taking full responsibility. Not a cool thing to do, but a survival tactic for him. Dads are so important to kids which being a social worker, I am sure that you already know.

My advice based on what little you shared would be let your husband know how much your marriage means to you. Show him that your affections are for him only and lavish your physical touch as you treat him with much respect. He needs you to look up to him and to respect him more than anything right now. He needs to know that you still desire him as well. God bless you as you seek to do what is best for your entire family!

My name is Gloria and here is a little bit about me so that you will know whether or not to take my bit of advice. My husband and I have been married for 26 years, have four children ranging in ages from 13 to 24. We have had our share of ups and downs, though God has blessed us with a wonderful marriage relationship. It continues to be a "work in progress" and as the children get older we have found that the relationship grows sweeter! I am a Family & Consumer Sciences teacher and my husband a former minister who is currently a mental health therapist.

One question instead of you going back to school would it help if your hubby was the go to go to school. Maybe this way he would have a skill that would allow him to found and kept a good job. He would feel better about being more of a provider for his family and you in turn would feel better about him and a release of the burden you are carrying of being the main provider. Also I would take some time alone with him to see if the problem can be fix , of couse this will not happen over nigh and you both would have to be total down with what ever plan you can up with, But ending a marrage is a big step that will effort of all you for the rest of your life.