DH ended up getting a vasectomy soon after our 3rd child was born. It was an extremely high risk birth (we both could have died). Our baby was also born early.
We made the rush decision b/c the Dr told me I could never carry another baby full term again. We never talked to my OB or Family Dr, just the OB on call.
That was almost 4 yrs ago and I seriously regret it to this day. It's not getting any easier . It was easier to say we're not having any more then we can't.
The grief is overwhelming. I'm so happy that our kids are ok & our little miracle is now a healthy almost 4 yr old but I can't get past the choice we made during a time of stress and confusion.
We constantly talk about if there was no risk to an early birth, we would love another. Before the surgery, all we talked about was having another but at the same time, fear crept into our minds about the preemie thing.
I know we made the wrong choice and he agrees. How do you over come such a thing?
Thanks ladies.
To clarify, it was high risk only because my water broke and then bacteria traveled up the birth canal via the open bag of water causing an uterine infection which caused me to go septic.
The sepsis is almost what killed us, I was extremely sick but luckily, I was at the hospital when the infection set in and they took her right away. Her heart rate was so high that her heart could have given out at any time due to the stress of the infection on her. My water broke that morning and it was just under 12hrs later that sepsis set in. It's a risk anytime you're waters are broken.
The pregnancy wasn't high risk nor were my other two and no reason was given why she dropped early, why my water broke or why i was dialated. I've always thought that must have been the reason for the "never full term again" comment but like I said, never asked and no one explained. Our family Dr hinted it was a fluke but never said it was a fluke and we never asked his opinion of our risk. He was matter of a fact about the whole thing (dialated, cervix was at x, water broke, blah blah) like it was routine? Nothing to be afraid of, kwim? I guess that is why I wish we would have asked more questions regarding it instead of making a decision in the hospital room the day she was born.
That's why it's confusing. We never sought any other medical opinions on if this could happen again, just took the word of the first dr who had reviewed my chart for 5mins and that's how we made the decision.
DH has said he would be open to having another if we could be assured a premature birth wouldnt' happen again but like I said, that first Dr's opinion caused a great deal of fear, stress and confusion, even if we got another opinion, it would be in the back of our mind, kwim?
Don't get me wrong, I'm so happy about our kids but I'm not happy that we made a decision based in fear, out of confusion and without a lot of thought to the impact it would have. I just don't understand why there is marriage counselling yet no counselling before the ending of your fertility.
I am on the fence, I do dream about another baby but fear holds me back from actually saying it outloud. It's been something we don't discuss because at the end of the conversation, we both will acknowledge, we'd welcome another with open arms.
I never thought about discussing this with my actual OB or Family Dr because I figured what's done is done... move on but I'm finding it hard to deal with it, much harder then I anticipated.
I always figured one day I'd wake up with a peace in my heart but it hasn't happened...
We've talked about fostering in the future and his best friend mentioned adoption for the first time this summer. Like I said before, it's not something we discuss due to the fact we both have to be fully accepting of the first decision which is already permanent then to jump into something else without dealing with the fallout.
He's already said he'd get a reversal done (he said that the first day when he arrived home & I was in tears, we never discussed the V before hand, the impact of it) and again, fear made us not go seek any opinions as we both tried to tell ourselves, rationally, this is the best decision. But you can only make a rational decision if you have fact based information to begin with. We made our decision out of fear & confusion.
Thanks again...
doesn't sound like the wrong choice to me. the vasectomy didn't cause the high risk birth, and you don't mention any doctors giving the opinion that the OB was wrong to advise you not to carry again.
but if you really feel the risk is worth it, vasectomies can be reversed.
khairete
S.
But did you really make the wrong decision? If your next pregnancy would be high-risk and the baby would come early is it really worth it? I had 2 different high-risk pregnancies and made my peace with the fact that I have 2 beautiful kids that are, thankfully, healthy and my 32 week preemie didn't face any major problems (because we had an excellent doc that kept a super close eye on us). But the idea of throwing caution to the wind and taking a chance that something bad could happen to me or my unborn (or born too early) is just not a risk that we are willing to face again.
Yes, it's hard. I wanted another from the time my 2nd was very tiny but I had to be rational too. What would the effect be on my family if something terrible went wrong? What if the baby came very early? And I have my 2 precious little ones that mean more than anything. Those were some of the things that helped me make peace with the fact that another baby isn't something that I can do with my body.
Perhaps talking to an OB will confirm what the on call doc told you and put your feelings to rest, knowing that your really did what was best for your family by keeping mom healthy.
There are so many children that need adopting! consider welcoming a healthy child into your hearts and lives, without the risk to your body, and rescuing them from a destiny of no home, or the foster care system, or worse.
Everything happens for a reason. Try to look at this from a different perspective...
Hello!
I think you are obessing over something you can't have. Just like a high school crush - your parents don't like the boy - so you like him even more. How do you get over it? You find a counselor who deals with grief therapy and move on.
You focus on the fact that YOU and YOUR children along with your marriage are happy, healthy and in tact. You didn't suffer a loss, not like the death of an infant - you have suffered the loss of a dream. Now, you need to thank God you have what you have and press on.
If you can afford more kids - great! Go adopt one. I am NOT trying to be mean or harsh - but this is the reality - you had a high risk pregnancy. You want another child? SERIOUSLY?! risk your life for another baby?! ADOPT!!!! Get over the vasectomy and move on with your life. If you want another child - adopt!! But STOP going over something from the past.
Yes, you can reverse a vasectomy - but the chances of it working are low. Even with today's technology. Why on earth you would jeopardize your life and that of an innocent child just to "have one more"? Seriously.
You need to seek counseling for your grief. Four years is long enough. You need to come to the realization that your life and that of an innocent child are at risk. You need to find someone who will help you deal with your grief and find a good outlet for it.
You have THREE children and a husband - more than many have. We wanted 4 - God only blessed us with two. I lost 3 - one at 20 weeks. It took a while - but the pain in less every day. I think of her every day but take solace knowing that God is taking care of her.
Live in the here and now. Live and love your children that are HERE. Thank God that you have them and a husband. Put your grief into something else but 4 years is WAY TOO LONG!!!!
talk to your pastor or priest. Best to you!!
It can be reversed!
Also, just because you had a bad/high risk birth doesn't mean the next will be. Sometimes (not always) the drama is caused by the doctors and the interventions and then they end the drama with "Thank God we saved your life."
I have had numerous friends who have had near death hospital births and gone on to find a dfferent practioner for their births, as well as being more proactive in taking care of themselves, like prenatal yoga, chiropractic, acupuncture and good nutrition - not jus the synthetic prenatals they throw at you in the OB's office.
Breathe. Never make a decision based on fear. No regrets. Either decide to have it reversed or move past the regret. Be ok with whatever you decide. Good luck!
Dr. Benderev in Mission Viejo does reversals and is amazing. Go to www.vasectomy.com to find a doc in your area that does reversals.
No advice, just understanding. I am in the same boat. I regret my husbands vasectomy and so want another child. Since your husband is in agreement you should see about him getting a reversal. I asked my husband to do it but he said no, so I am left longing for one more I will never have.
My husband just got a vasectomy and from talking with the Urologist a reversal is a pain but very dooable. If it is that important to you and your hubby get the reversal and call it a day. You aren't going to get a gurantee from any Doctor in this country that everything will be perfect with any pregnancy - complications can happen to anyone. All they can tell you is what your risk level is - but there is no 100% guarantee either way.
I just wanted to say that I totally related to what what you said "that it was easier to say we're not having any more vs we can't have any more". I had my tubes tied after my 4th c-section because of fears about anymore surgeries and we knew our family was complete. I really regret the decision of total finality. I would rather have taken other measures to not have another yet still have the possibility . I just have to block it out and enjoy the children I have. The crazy thing is I am perfectly content with our family, know that anymore bio children would not be ideal for us. Yet I still wish we hadn't made the decision we did.
you can see about having it reversed. In alot of cases that is an option.
I know how you feel though, my husband had a vasectomy in may after our 3rd child was born. It makes me really sad now watching how big my daughter is getting and how fast time is going by knowing that she is my last baby. But either way we were pretty sure we didnt want anymore. Just knowing that the option isnt even there sucks. :( Good luck though!
I don't think any of us can try to convince you that you made the right decision, but I don't think it's a good idea to go get the vasectomy reversed until you clarify your feelings. It seems that you have feelings on both sides of the issue of having more children, and you feel sort of forced into the vasectomy decision out of fear. There are unresolved issues about fertility, which is different from the question of having more children. Some people react to the end of fertility - the POSSIBILITY - of having children, more so than to a choice not to take advantage of their continuing fertility. Know what I mean? It's about control over your own bodies, it's about entering a new phase (a lot of women go through this with menopause too), and it doesn't sound like this was addressed in your case.
So I would get into some couples' counseling to clarify your feelings, and then get some medical advice about the advisability of another pregnancy. But do them both - you really can't resolve this if you do one and not the other.
Good luck.
You can try to have the vasectomy reversed, but it may not work. My biggest concern is that you and your husband understand that there is never a guarantee of a term, healthy pregnancy. You may have developed the infection which caused the water to break and preterm labor or the water broke causing the infection to occur. No one knows which came first. Hope you find peace.
Do you even want another child? I would focus more on that than the fact that you can no longer conceive, which you could get it reversed if you really wanted to. Also think about how your kids would be if you had to be on bedrest for 9 months. I dont think you are thinking it all the way through and just dwelling on the surgery. You have other options. If reversal isnt an option, you could adopt. Maybe see a counselor.
Vasectomies can often be reversed. Consult with your OB, and a urologist, and make a more reasoned decision. Good luck!
Reverse it. Then anything that happens will be a choice you make at that time.
Obviously, there is nothing you can do to change this situation, but if you really want another child there is always adoption. But, of course, that is a long, hard, expensive way to go. You might consider doing foster care. Sounds like you have a lot of love to give, and there are many children out there who really need that. As for your grief, you will have to figure out a way to live with that, but I think having a foster child might help you do that.
If it is a decision that you both wish you hadn't made it is possible to get it reversed. Maybe you can set up an appointment with a High Risk OB/GYN and talk about the possibility of carrying full term and if a vasectomy reversal would be possible the cost and etc. I have heard they can't always be reversed but a good Doctor would be able to tell you all of that. Good Luck to both of you and whatever you decide I am sure you will make the best one for you and your family.
Vasectomies are reversible.
I would first talk to some professionals about your sitiuation with the last pregnancy and find out for sure if it's true that you can never carry a child full term again. Then I would look into vasectomy reversal (I think I've heard it can be done). If having more children of your own is really something you want. Many doctors tell women things that are untrue or half truths when it comes to pregnancy's and it usually scares them half to death. If these don't pan out and you really feel your family is not complete without one more, I would look at the option of adopting. There are many children out there who need a loving home :). Who knows, your fourth may be out there right now waiting for you to claim him or her ;).
I know how you feel. Hubby and I made what we thought was a good decision when he got his vasectomy. I'm regretting it now and trying very hard to come to peace with it. The best thing I can recommend before you do anything is to talk to your OB and see what s/he says about the possibility of you have another one. Would you both be safe and healthy? Would you be ok? What are the chances for any early delivery?
If your OB says that it was a fluke and chances are you'll be fine, then you and your husband need to sit down and have a long talk about the possibility of having another one. How will it fit into your life? Would the reversal be feasible given your financial situation? Does he have the time to take off of work?
Then you can go from there. I wish you the best of luck. I know how hard it is to want another one and not be able to. Somehow though we move on and take joy in the children we do have. *hugs*
Your husband can have a reversal. I have many friends who have made the same decision you have made and have had it reversed. There are a few doctors nationwide who specialize in reversals. These doctors in particular have a heart to see the reversal work, so they take very good care to do the procedure well. Let me know if you want more info. I'm so sorry for your situation. It is not uncommon as the doctors don't count the true costs of having this done. They don't have to live with the consequences. In the middle of stress and difficulty, we don't always make the best decisions. I think it was wrong of them to suggest such a thing at that particular time. I hope you are able to find peace. Blessings.
Since I have been in a situation simular I thought I'd share how we overcame our not being able to have anymore children. With each pregnancy I had a more difficult time and with the last one 4th I had to sign the papers to save only one of our lives. I made the choice to save the baby my husband was in pain but understtod how important it was to me. So we lived for several months with that decision. When our son was born the doctors were able to save us both but his blood count was very low and has had a prolonged bleeding time since. We knew that any more pregnancy would be worse & as my husband never felt right about having it done but I knew as hard as it was I needed to be here as a mother for my children and had my tubes tied. We waited a few oths before doing it which I regret should have done it at the time it mentally would have been easier. Yes I cried through the whole process. We actually prayed for help in this and we were blessed to become Foster Parents. We became part of an organization that helped young women who wanted/needed to put thier babies up for adoption as well as having teens live with us. It has been so rewarding and several are still part of our lives and I get to be the Nana to several children I would not otherwise have. When my husband died these same young people were right by my side to help me thru it all. If you have the money you can have the surgery undone as I know 2 people that have done it. But please ask yourself this one question... what am I missing with a child that does not exsist when I still do have these beautiful children who are here and need me so much and there is lots to teach and do with them? I learned the hard way that I needed to appreciate the ones I had and give them my all and not dwell on the one that was not there. I hope you get some help from someone as it's a grief that you feel that you need to heal from.
You deal with it by thinking of the beautiful children you already have. You're very fortunate to have the family you do. There are many couples out there who can't even have children. Over time you should think about what you do have & not what you don't. If you are serious about having another child you may want to look into adoption. God delivers us children in more ways than one. Vasectomies can be reversed. If this bothers you so much, then you need to deal with it. If you're still unhappy, talk to a professional who can help you through the issues
