2011 was the year of change for my hubby and I. We were married for 4 years by then. In April we had our first baby, awesome! I was off work for three months, post partum depression not so awesome. In mid-July hubby moved out of state to start a new job which started our goal of moving out of state once he was settled in a job and I could afford to quit. Baby and I lived with a friend and her family, my mom did daycare and I worked full-time with a long commute. Finally after 3.5 months apart (weekend visits once a month) baby and I moved in with hubby. The house was an absolute disaster with boxes everywhere. I got little help with unpacking. Two weeks later baby became very sick and was hospitalized for 10 days. We spent two weeks of the holidays with my in-laws because of follow up doctor appts for the baby. Now, we're finally settling in and realize we lost our connection and reliance on each other. My hubby feels like I only give attention to the baby and nag him about finances too much. I agree with him but feel it was a result of all that happened in 2011. Plus, I think he spends too much time playing computer games. After all this independence, how do we find ways to reconnect and be the married couple our son deserves most?? We know if we focus on the kids we won't have a marriage in the end.
You only had the baby for a while, he only had himself. Put that on the table and talk about it. The only way to reconnect is to accept what is going on and then work through it without being accusing or defensive.
Here is where we are at, this is where we need to be, how do we get there.
Honey do you remember that time when you THOUGHT no one was looking and you grabbed my butt?
If I'm playing a video game and my wife walks in front of me with a short skirt on, she has my attention.
We men are visual beings. Talking is over-rated. Sorry - but true.
My wife and I are going through the same thing right now. Just last year, I became the SAHD....getting into a routine, losing my paycheck, etc. has taken its toll.
Take the time to TALK each day. Yeah - I know I said talking is over-rated but talk about something OTHER than the bills. Did you have a great day at work? Did you get another box emptied? I can tell you from my military experience...there were boxes that did NOT get unpacked. If they sat for 6 months - we weren't going to miss it. Donate it.
Ask for his help. We don't read minds. Video games are my escape. Could be his too.
Instead of nagging about finances. Show him your goals and how you think you can get there. Make it something you can do together. Life isn't easy. We've been married almost 17 years.
Marriage takes effort. I don't care how much 'in love' you are, or how much you 'get each other', finish each other sentences, blah blah blah.
BOTH of you have to make a conscience effort to make things work.
Talking is good, when it's appropriate. But I think I can speak for most when I say that physical connection means the world.
Make some time for the two of you, this ins't an option, it MUST happen. Then tell him how you feel, but more importantly S H O W him how you feel. The two of you have a lot going for you, good luck!
Date night. My hubby and I have had date night every Saturday for the last 32 yrs. Sometimes we go out to a movie, other times it's just a fast food dinner or something a little more fancy. Some nights it's filled with conversation about work, friends, kids, family, etc. Other times it's almost silent. But it's part of our routine and as the kids have grown we're still a unit.
Communicate with him.
I'll bet he's feeling this way too. Let him know that you love him and want to reconnect on an emotional level; let him know you miss him.
Just talk it out. I'll bet if you put your heads together, you can come up with a great plan.
The best way to reconnect is to communicate. Sit down and tell him just what you've told us here - that you want to reconnect.
You say hubby says you only give attention to the baby, and you tend to agree. Then, put the baby to bed, put on a sexy nightie and give your hubby some attention. And I really don't want to hear about you're too tired - your marriage depends on this and what are we really talking here - 30 minutes?
You also agree that you nag your hubby re finances. If you know you're doing it, stop. Find a way to "ask" him about the finances without "nagging."
You'll have to put in some time, but you should be able to reconnect with your hubby and re-establish the marriage you once had.
Can you just bring it up? Just talk about it?
At the dinner table, or in the car, can't you just smile and giggle and say something like...
I was just thinking about that time in your brother's car when you reached over, and then before you know it...
Or remember that time when we were at my mother's and when no one was in the room for a minute, we started.....
Point being you're together for a reason, it might help to revisit those reasons, you know?
:)
Laughter and sex!
You two are so focused on all the serious business of your lives, money, parenting, moving, working, that you've forgotten what it's like just to have some fun together.
A regular date night is definitely in order. Once a week is ideal, but at LEAST twice a month if you can manage it. You don't need to spend a lot of money, go for a hike and a picnic, go bowling, shoot pool, see a REALLY funny movie, whatever loosens you up. Have some FUN!!!
Then go home, talk less and take CARE of each other (yes I mean sex.) You need that touch, that closeness and connection. If you are not joined physically it is very hard to remain joined in any other way.
Good luck, marriage can be challenging, but it is the foundation of your family, it is worth nurturing :)
You are not alone! Defined roles change when you have a baby let alone what you went through in 2011. Slowly my husband and I are working our way through the roles while making time for each other. Date night, movies/ board games together when kids are in bed ect. All it takes is the willingness to move forward-together! Good Luck
That sure is a lot to deal with. It's no wonder you've both gotten used to being without the other. I would try to schedule "date night" where you get dressed up and go somewhere with just your husband. My husband made me do this when my son was about 6 months old because he felt like we were separating emotionally. Honestly, I did NOT want to go. Because I work full time I didn't want to leave my baby yet AGAIN when it was unnecessary. But, I went. And it was nice, after I got over the nerves of being separated from my baby (took a couple glasses of wine!). We try to do this about once a month. I don't always feel like going, but I'm always glad we did. If you do it, try to talk about something other than the baby or work. It can be as simple as talking about memories. Also -- doesn't need to be expensive. You could just wander around the mall, get a coffee, browse and talk about what you'd buy if you could. We do that all the time and it's fun and relaxing.
Counseling would be great, if you can just dedicate to 6 or 7 sessions.
a third party will help you set some goals. If you ask for 30 minutes of Daddy child time and 30 minutes of help around the house, and an hour of husband wife time then you will be seen as a demanding nag. husbands respond better to someone like a counselor making suggestions to improve their life and marriage.
Do you find yourself struggling to find time for yourself and husband? You know, before long work hours and three kids drained you of energy and made you more of a worker bee than a sexual being.
Or how about those romantic weekend get-aways, just the two of you? Romantic gestures from your spouse always made you feel loved and special, and your marriage blossomed with the nurturing, but now you both have neither the time nor the energy.
The nose-to-the-grindstone approach works well as you juggle work and home demands, but it shouldn’t be employed 24/7/365 . . . good mental health requires some restorative time as well. In the long term, if you push through your exhaustion with more and more productivity, your marriage and your positive outlook will suffer . . . the children will observe the difficulties, and they, in turn, will suffer as well. Therefore, it is in everyone’s best interest to give yourself the periodic downtime that you need.
Hiring a babysitter can provide you and your spouse an opportunity to spend some alone-time together ...
http://tinyurl.com/yeknqsd
You have had a lot going on! My advice is to talk less and have fun more. Do things together whenever possible. Date nights that involve new experiences (go to a climbing wall, try ice skating, bowling, whatever) that you can do together are great. Decide to have a fun night at home after you put your child to bed once a week - my husband and I have take out and watch a movie every Friday and we both look forward to it. And definitely, definitely have more sex. Its the fastest way to reconnection. Infinitely faster than talking.
You need to schedule time together so you can talk, cuddle and what not. Sounds unromantic, but you need establish a new routine that includes the whole family. You also should talk about the division of household duties. If you're home with the baby all day, tell your husband that you would like him to be responsible for bath and bed time. Then after the baby is in bed, you two can have some couch time to unwind and talk about your day.
My husband likes computer games too, but he only plays them after we all are in bed (he always goes to bed later anyway). Family time first.
Good luck!
