Should This Be a "Red Flag" with My New Boyfriend?

One of my biggest pet leaves is when people elude to needing something rather than come out and ask for it.

How long have you two been dating? Do you live together?

Communication is key. Guys can't read between the lines. Talk to him and be specific. My husband is the same way. I can't say, "ugh there is a sink full of dishes", hoping he will offer up. I have to be specific and say "honey will you do the dishes".

I think a huge part is how deep into the relationship you are... If you were living together, sharing bills, engaged/discussing engagement, etc. then I would consider it a flag... But if you are just dating, even if you are exclusive and committed to each other, then I wouldn't expect him to have any financial responsibility for my problems.

With a "rock" like that? Time to roll.
He doesn't get it.
Let me guess: no kids of his own and clueless.

Two things pop into my mind...

One is that your 'ex' cannot just randomly decide to reduce child support. Typically it takes going back to court (unless somehow there is not a court order in place?).

Two, I do not think this is a 'red flag' for YOU...but I imagine the boyfriend sees a few red flags waving !

Not trying to be rude. Just stating my thoughts.

Best

Hmm, if he were writing this post and said "my girlfriend keeps bringing up that she's short on funds, and has loans to pay off and I feel like maybe she's hinting that I should give her money. Is this a red flag?" then I would say yes.

IF you plan to move in together or marry someday, then before you do so, you need to have a serious conversation about money, and who is responsible for the debts you bring into the marriage, how you will pay for expenses in the future, and how you will handle big things like your daughter's college expenses. You may have very different opinions on these things and you need to be on the same page.

Also, yes, he said he wanted to be your rock, but to me that usually means an emotional commitment, not a financial one.

I'd jump on finding out why your ex is lowering support - pretty sure he can't just decide to lower it. It should be a legal arrangement and there should be a process to determine how much. It's not HIS decision.

Focus on that.

Leave your boyfriend out of this mess. Because it's not his mess. It's a child support issue. He's your boyfriend. It's not his financial responsibility. And you shouldn't EXPECT him to "help". From what you wrote, it SOUNDS like you were feeling him out to see if he'd "rescue" you from the part-time job - not sure if that's what was meant, but it came across a bit that way.

it is not even remotely odd to me that he didn't offer to help. You've called him your "new" boyfriend. You say you're in a "committed" relationship. No, you're not. That's called marriage. He has not committed to you at all. And honestly, you're lucky he didn't run for this hills when you very subtly (not so subtly) hinted that he might consider helping you. Yes, you are absolutely reading too much into it, and honestly, if you think your feelings aren't showing, don't count on it. You're harboring some resentment and that will be obvious the longer you stew.

By the way, "telling" him your situation without talking to him about how you hope he'll respond and your feelings about his actual response is game playing.

I think the red flags are that a) you feel you are at the mercy of your ex-husband and that he can just lower child support for no reason, and b) that you are in a committed relationship in which you cannot discuss major life questions.

You're not married, so your boyfriend may feel he has no role in discussing personal issues like finances. He said he wants to be your "rock" and give your daughter what she needs, but how do you know if that means financial or emotional support? Maybe he's trying to tell you that he wants to be a bigger part of your life and that he's embracing your child as well - and maybe he's waiting for you to respond. Maybe he thinks you are strong and independent, and he doesn't want to intrude. You seem like you want to provide everything for your daughter (between your job and child support), yet you also want to be bailed out or helped by a man (especially when 1 man starts to back out on his child support).

So if you are giving us mixed messages here on this post, maybe you are giving mixed messages at home. Your relationship won't get anywhere if you can't have conversations about things you don't understand or wish you could hear.

The "red flag" in this relationship to me is that you don't seem to really know where you stand or what BF's intentions are and you are not comfortable enough to have this conversation with him.

Know one on this site has any idea what your BF is thinking or what his silence means.

I can say if your BF was my brother or son I would tell him to think twice about helping you financially until you were officially in a committed relationship (ie. Married).

The red flag isn't about your current BF it's more about you and your ex. Your ex is your daughter's father eternally, not just when he can afford it. If he is self employed and can no longer afford his support commitment HE should be looking for a second job.
As for you, you seem to be expecting the current BF to step in and help. Why??? Instead of expecting him to help you need to remain an independent woman and start looking for a better paying job or asking for a raise at your current job. You should be your own ROCK.
I learned a long time ago the only person I could really count on was ME and only me to take care of me and my children.

It sounds like there are multiple assumptions going on, possibly from both you and your boyfriend.

Maybe his definition of "rock" is different than yours. Maybe he feels it is not his business what your ex does. Maybe he is scared to tell you not to take a part-time job because he doesn't want to seem "controlling" (a charge sometimes leveled at men by women).

To me the only solution is communication. Gut instinct is important; just make sure you have facts to go on too.

Consider that he may need some time to think about his own situation and what he really can do before blurting out something that he simply is unable to actually do. Also, he may be pondering on whether or not you would be receptive to his offer of financial assistance. Finally, he may not be as "committed" as you are and therefore doesn't think it a good idea, at this stage of the game, to become financially obligated or for you to get used to his financial contributions. If I were him, I would wait and see how it plays out before making any sort of financial committment to you and your child.

The "red flag" that I see is you saying one thing (I completely provide for my child), but really wanting something else (someone to pitch in and help provide for your child.) There are already two adults who are supposed to be providing for the child. How many more do you want on that bus?

No I don't see a red flag, after all he's just a boyfriend not a husband so your finances aren't really any of his business or concern.
Now, if I were him and I saw my girlfriend writing a post like this it would be a red flag to me, because you seem to be sending a message that you would like him to at least offer you financial support when you're not even married, and it's not his child. If this guy was my friend or brother I would be saying, dude, watch out!

Well, I don't offer things to my friends and family unless I'm serious. If I offer to water your houseplants for you while you're away, I will.

But I know people who offer things all the time, and never follow up on it.

So to me - that's the red flag.

As for money, no - don't take any (as you said). You could start off saying that - "I don't want a dime .. but what did you mean when you said you'd be our rock and step in ..."?

Communication and clarity is key :)

Btw - not judging you. I do think not knowing what someone's intentions are (about anything) in a committed relationship is a red flag, but worse, not being able to ask them straight up is a bigger one.

Good luck :)

I agree with the other commenters who suggest you might take a more concerted effort in fighting the child support reduction. It isn't up to him to decide. There is a mathematical formula used to calculate child support. Unless his circumstances have changed substantially, he can file a motion to reduce support all the day long, but not get what he wants. Is that the case? Have his finances/circumstances substantially changed? In a way that matters in calculating the guideline child support obligation?

As for the new boyfriend. Not enough information. We know nothing about him except for the comment you made that he said he wanted to be the "rock" for you and your daughter, and that he wanted to "take care of" you. That's it. That and your self-proclaimed committed relationship. But what does that mean? Are you engaged to be married? Discussed long term plans? Living together? Planning to live together? You don't give ANY of that information.

I will say this, for some men, being quiet is not being uncaring or disinterested or expressing a desire to stay out of it. For some men, it is a precursor to a big step. They don't say anything at all, because they are weighing it in their minds, and once it's out there, it's out there.

That may or may not be the case for your boyfriend. I have no idea. You did not share enough about him, his values, lifestyle, etc to form any opinion about what it might mean that he didn't say anything. Maybe he just doesn't want to be in the middle of something and doesn't want to unduly influence your decision making when it comes to your ex and your daughter. We can't possibly know.
Sorry.

This is tough & I am not sure if it's a red flag, I just wanted to share that I too would think it's just "odd" that he is quiet about it all...especially the taking a 2nd job? Wouldn't that be cutting into you & him time...& he has nothing to share? & your relationship is still very new (less than 3 years) I would hope for more passion & concern at this stage, if I were you.

~My husband used to buy groceries for my apartment when I wasn't looking, when I first starting dating him...he had a strong urge to be the provider & fixer!

I'm a believer in following intuition.

Does he have child from a previous relationship? If he does not have a child, he may not understand the dynamics of dealing with an ex and a potential step child. If not, this could be a deal breaker for him.

He could see this as not his business.

Your ex can't just decide to lower your CS without doing it through the courts.

That said, maybe BF is having some intuitions about you which are making him reconsider.

Was he aware of your financial situation before you brought up the loan, lowered CS, part time job? Did he perceive this conversation as you wanting him to help out so you don't have to get a PT job?

He is a BF, therefore he has no obligation to pitch in and help you financially. I realize you may feel a little bummed that he didn't step up or offer. Can he possibly feel you possibly would rely on him financially? I think he is evaluating the entire situation because if you two move forward, he is also thrown into the mix of dealing with your ex and your daughter.

Quite frankly, I would feel "odd" if I perceived some expectation ( although silent) of helping out a BF or accepting help from a BF. Financials can change people. It has the potential for one to feel used for financial purposes. I'm not saying that to be mean or rude or suggest you would rely on him financially.

I think you both need a sit down discussion about expectations for this relationship and maintain open communication with each other.

Most importantly is communicating with him. Find out what his expectations and wishes are for this relationship.

Best wishes to you.

Maybe he's the type to under promise and over deliver. Perhaps he's mulling it over and does not want to say anything until he has determined to what extent he is able and willing to help.

or

perhaps he's the type to over promise and under deliver. Maybe he said he wanted to be a "rock", but in the end wants to keep his own money. Or perhaps being that you are not his wife, he does not feel obligated.

I also think it possible you are calling his bluff and he knows it and he's waiting to see if you actually move forward with the job.

----

Or he might just be confused because you say one thing but want another. You say you don't expect, but its clear you really want this man to take care of you. Modern feminism says this is not okay, be self sufficient. But in your real heart of hearts, you want to be taken care of (you and your daughter. After all, you are a package deal) I think you need to pause and get clarity on yourself. Then have the bravery to tell him your real heart on the matter. This does not make you greedy or a gold digger. You've given us mixed messages and I'm guessing you've given your boyfriend mixed messages as well. So its time to clear the air. Don't guess about red flags. Have this difficult conversation and you'll know where you stand.

I think you really prefer traditional roles. Find out if he does too. So first, be honest with yourself. Then communicate your needs and desires.

Hmmm. My first thought is you need to take your ex to court because he cannot change the amount of child support just because he decides he wants to. About your boyfriend...he is your boyfriend and not your husband so he has no financial obligation to support your daughter. Your boyfriend is not related to your daughter and probably does not really even feel like she is family or who knows if he feels like he will stay with you. Is he committed? It is unknown until he decides he wants to marry you. Do you live together? If you live together does he pay for half the living expenses? Then that IS helping. If you do not live together he has no need to pay for your life just like you do not help him pay for things in his life. Perhaps one day he will want to marry you and commit to you. Perhaps one day he will feel a real bond with your daughter. But this day is not here yet and that is fine...not a red flag in my opinion. You and your ex are your daughter's parents and you are the two people who are financially responsible for her. I think you should expect yourself to be self sufficient and not ask for others like a boyfriend for help with money. But your ex needs to do his part...so you probably need to take him to court bc he can't just back out on his responsibilities in life.

Are you living together? I may have missed that part, but I would not expect him to do much unless you are sharing a household and have bills together that he could handle. I think it would be odd if he was paying your way that with two separate households. I bet he will help here and there, as things progress and you have another job, but a majority of the burden will be on you to make up the difference.

The only red flag that I see is your gap in communication with him. Talk to HIM about this. If you can't, then that's a problem. I know you're just looking for advice from other women, but in this case, I'd say turn to him.

:)

First off your ex cannot just "decide" to lower child support. If you have an order of child support he must abide by that order and if he wants to lower the amount, he must go back to court. What is his reasoning for lowering the child support?

Second, your BF might not know what you want from him, he might be having second thoughts about this relationship or he just doesn't get it. Just because he said he wanted to be your "rock" doesn't mean he wants to pay your bills.

I would discuss with ex about the lowering of payments and then I would have a conversation with BF about the status of our relationship.

It depends. Does he ever conveniently 'forget' his wallet when you are out? If you are going dutch, does he split the bill down to the penny, or keep track when he pays vs when you pay? Have you ever expressed an immediate need and he act indifferent?

If not, chances are, he's just another guy trying to figure out the 21 century woman while having a 20th century upbringing. He wants' to be the 'man of the house' but that has changed meaning in the last 50 years. Mothers working is the norm in this age and day.

PS I have agree with the concern over your ex informing you that he's cutting child support. Most divorce agreements don't allow for that to just 'happen'.

Is he typically a talker? Some (most) guys don't have a lot of verbal response to things.

Before you marry, you should be able to talk to him about things. The only red flag I would see is if you cannot ask him, "What do you think about this?" and get a thoughtful answer. He is allowed to have a different opinion on things than you, but he should be able to express that opinion, not passively avoid discussion.

Maybe, even though he wants to be your rock, he still wants you to work. This is something to establish before you commit to him.

Some men aren't good communicators. If I were to marry again, ability to communicate would be at the top of my priority list. No-talky, no marry.

Talk to him, and if you can't get him to reasonably discuss his feelings on this, then maybe you should rethink the marriage.

If your boyfriend read this, HE would see red flags waving all around... There are def red flags here, but the opposite direction of what you're trying to make it.

The legal father/bio father needs to fulfill his legal responsibilities.

As far as the boyfriend, actions speak louder than words. If I was thinking positive, I could say he might be thinking of how he can help and is choosing to figure it out before he over promises and offers more than he can. If I am thinking negative, he could be silently looking for the nearest exit.

If he is your boyfriend, than he has no responsibility towards you or your daughter. Sorry! Boyfriends might pay for your entire date or you might split the costs but they have no responsibility legally towards either of you or even financially.

Husbands and fathers have responsibilities - not boyfriends. Put on your big girl panties and do what you have to do to support yourself and your daughter.

I have no idea why you would consider asking a boyfriend for money.

red flag?
no. sounds to me as if he's just wanting to be a little wary and see where YOU go with it.
and i'm betting he'd find it a red flag that you're waiting for him to say 'oh no, don't do that, i'll Take Care of You.'
you sound like a pretty strong and self-sufficient gal for the most part, but as if there's still a bit of a disney princess lurking somewhere in your psyche, willing to do for herself but kinda hoping for a rescuer.
i think that if you want this to continue to be wonderful, that you try to appease her in a different fashion.
khairete
S.

Sounds like you've made it clear from the get-go that you don't expect him to take on any responsibility for your daughter. He shared the sentiment that he wants to be there for you both, which is nice of him. But if he thinks that being able to take care of your daughter yourself is something that's important to you, he might feel he's overstepping his bounds to offer money and doesn't want to hurt your feelings by implying you can't do it on your own. Looking for a part-time weekend job might imply to him that it's REALLY important to you to be able to do this on your own. He doesn't want to squelch your independence. But he's also said he wants to be there for you. He probably doesn't know where that line is drawn.

If you want something, you have to ask for it. You can't "hint" at it and hope he gets the message, and then be mad at him if he doesn't. Sit down with him and have an adult conversation. "Hey hon, it's important to me to not make my daughter your responsibility. It's hard for me to ask for help. But you've also said you want to be there for us. If you would be willing to contribute $x to our monthly expenses, it would save me from having to take this weekend job and we'd be able to spend more time together. If that doesn't work for you, that's fine and I'll figure it out. What do you think?"

I urge you to talk with your boyfriend. Only he knows why he reacted that way. I suggest no one here can say if it's a red flag. If you don't feel comfortable talking with him, that's a problem for both of you to work through.

Gamma, it's the ex who is asking for it to be lowered. Your comment reminds me that this has to go through the court.

MemyselfandI, your ex cannot lower his child support without going to court. You will have standing in the hearing. If this hasn't been court ordered I suggest you consult with an attorney to see if you could contest the change.

Your ex just decided to lower your child support? Is that even legal? Pretty sure it has to go through the courts. And if you didn't set it up that way I highly suggest you do, it protects everyone involved.

And yes- huge red flags. But not from him. He was probably saying what you wanted to hear, and now he isn't following through on that. But you seem to be testing him to see if he will. That is kind of crazy to me. You should WANT to 100% provide for yourself and your daughter, with the child support, but not help from the boyfriend.

When my husband and I were dating, I did not consider it his responsibility to cover expenses related to my daughter. Even when he offered, I was reluctant to accept. I took a second job, and only accepted help from him after I had to quit the second job (arthritic knees and retail jobs do not play nicely together).
Even now that we are married, I don't consider my daughter's expenses his responsibility, but he considers them as much his as mine.

Your guy SAID he would step up, but he hasn't. Does he often make grand promises that he doesn't keep? Or perhaps he has something different in mind when he says he wants to be your rock.

If you're living under the same roof, I would say sit down and break down the household budget for all three of you, decide who is going to cover what, and go from there.

Your bf said he'd take care of you, but you also say that your daughter is not his responsibility. If you want him to have an opinion on this, then you need to ask him what his thoughts are. From what you've written, it sounds like you informed him of what you were doing rather than asking him for feedback.

Your daughter is not his financial responsibility, but he is in this relationship. Invite him to be part of the full discussion. If you go forward and eventually marry this man, you'll want to be open about this starting now.

My ex does not step up for anything extra that our kids wanted to do. I agreed to a lot less in child support than the state would have awarded. My husband is the one who will step in and say we will cover it. It frustrates me and I know it frustrates him, but we both want to do what's best for the kids first regardless of their dad.

Well, if he's your BF and your daughter is not his, then he's not obligated to contribute. You have it under control. When you say your ex is lowering CS, based on what? Do you not have a court order? Legally speaking, that should be handled through official channels.

If you feel odd about it with your BF, ask him to clarify because you see a disconnect between "rock" and current behavior. And make your choices from there. Maybe he feels like you have a good plan and he thinks your ex is a jerk for changing CS but he doesn't want the fight if he brings that up. You won't know til you communicate.

I also agree that BF may be wondering about his future with you if you allow your ex to dictate things like this per his needs. I sure thought hard when I found out my DH wasn't enforcing CS at all (he figured it was blood from a stone) and though I didn't "have to" pay for the sks, I did, in many ways. Even utilities are higher with kids and that money comes into the household from somewhere. But again, you have to ask.

Do you have a full time job and thus are planning on getting a second, part time job? If that is the case then yes, it is a bit strange that he did not mention anything about helping or anything about specifics (how much money are you losing and the like).
If you are simply getting a part time weekend job because you don't work but the lost income can be made up with a part time weekend job, then I do not see why he should say or do anything.

My own opinion on the idea of a man wanting to take care of me, and certainly in cases when a child (not his) is involved) is that it is a nice sentiment but not one to actually expect or plan on. He is your boyfriend, not a husband or fiance. You have a child and you need to be solely responsibly for her. Stability is so important for children, financial and emotional, so unless the two of you are planning on marrying soon, I think you should just plan your life on your own, work hard to provide for your daughter and do not expect that he wants or is able to be more than your boyfriend.
I think the only red flag I see her is that the two of you could work on how you communicate. I am not criticizing you at all. Every relationship's communication can be improved. If you two do end up engaged I think counseling is a great idea to help with how you communicate. It will lessen the time you spend guessing what he means and why he does or does not do something and that will make for a much happier relationship.

I would talk openly and honestly about his possible change of heart and then check for the red flags. If you can't talk about this with him that, in itself, is a red flag.

Was the rock talk going to happen as BF/GF or once you were married?

It is not a red flag that he is not jumping up to pay bills that are not his. IF you two shared a household that would be different, but you do not and it is in no way his responsibility to offer to pay for your stuff. I think that your response to his not offering to pay might be a red flag that he may want to pay attention to though.

Hmm...sounds like he was happy to say this as long as it didn't appear to be needed. Then all of a sudden, when it looks like it's needed, he says nothing.

I'm sorry, but this IS a red flag to me. Have you actually taken stock of what he costs you in real money? I know that doesn't sound romantic, but I'm not talking about romanticism right now. Does he buy groceries? Do you buy and cook food that you wouldn't serve for just you and your child? Does he contribute to your utilities? Water for washing his clothes? Gas and electric for him being there? If he lives with you, does he pay half of your rent/mortgage and everything else?

You having a full time job AND a part time job - how does he figure into this? He doesn't get to see you as much. Who is going to watch your daughter? When will you get to see her?

What happens if he's not in the picture? Will it cost you more or less being without him? If it costs you less being without him, then he isn't pulling his weight.

You have some deciding to do. No rose-colored glasses, mom. Be real about this.

How long have you and your boyfriend been together? How well do you really know him? It's a lot to expect someone to help you financially, even if they gave you a speech about wanting to do so. Following through is a completely different story. Was he just saying this to get you to be his girlfriend? It sounds high school to say this, but hey, he's a guy.

Go ahead and do what you need to do to take care of yourself assuming no help from him. If things fall apart, you will be none the worse for it.

Maybe he feels it isn't his business in those two circumstances? I don't know. I second that your ex will need to get that decrease in child support approved by the courts bedtime he can say that's going to happen..

You may be reading to much in or not enough. If you feel something is off though, it probably is.. I never go against intuition.

I guess what it comes down to for me is I don't know enough about your relationship. How long have you been together. Do you live together. Does he help co-parent in any other way? when he says he wants to do these things, has he, in other ways?

I have an ex and a current, with a child, and (while I know I am totally spoiled) my fiancé and I live together and we are co-parents. We are one household. no, it's not his child, but if he is going to be in our family he must take some responsibility for it. there's no, Me and my son, and the boyfriend. We are a family. So to me, yes, he needs to step up. but if your relationship is more casual and he doesn't help out in other ways either, it could be that this just isn't where your relationship is at. So it's hard for us to tell.

Stop beating around the bush.

Straight out ask him if he plans to marry you so he can legitimately be your "rock" and "take care of you" and your daughter.

The red flag here is you aren't communicating that at the core that is what you want to know. You are looking to be taken care of and want the help. There is nothing wrong with that desire.

Another red flag is that your ex husband is going to reduce his child support. Ummm....I don't think he can legally do that.

Is it possible that he is upset that you are suggesting another job after he told you he would be there for you.

It depends on how the conversation started. Did you tell him your X is lowering support and no response or did you say you were getting a 2nd job and then he was wondering why you wouldn't trust in him?

this is a question to be asking your boyfriend. i can't read his mind to know what he is thinking. he may be staying out of it. you should ask him and find out what he thinks.

If you're living together then your finances might be better spent if you join up on some things. I think you need to sit down and talk to him.

Plus, ask the child support specialist why he's filing to lower child support. I think that most of the time when they do this it ends up being raised. Talk to an attorney if that's something you would rather do. They may tell you that if you ask for more and show that your daughter's costs of living have gone up.

Personally, I would just ask him how he feels about the situation. There could be any number of things that he is feeling or thinking, but his silence does not necessarily mean that he is unaffected or oblivious. Being able to communicate effectively with one another is a very important aspect of a strong relationship. Best of luck.