Reassurance Needed... - Saint Charles,MO

I didn't do CIO either. I think I was lucky though b/c all 3 of my kids would allow me to rock them, sing to them or read a book and then when I saw they were getting droopy eyes I would lay them down in their crib and pat their back for a minute or two and then I was able to walk away and they would put themselves to sleep.

*Side note: When my kids moved from cribs to their big boy/girl bed if they awoke in the middle of the night and came into my room I would allow them to sleep with us. This too eventually stopped happening on it's own and it wasn't/hasn't been an issue. My youngest is 3y/o and still occasionally comes into my room @ 5am and I just let her fall back asleep with us, no biggie!

If I were you I would slowly try putting him down when he is not quite asleep yet...almost asleep but not yet...and let him get used to that.

I have three young adult children (19, 21 and 23) and I never used the cry it out method with them. I rocked them to sleep, held them when they woke up at night. I just never could bring myself to let them cry simply because it was *bedtime*.

The youngest one lasted the longest - i think he was over 2 before he went to sleep consistently without being held. It never bothered me to hold them, in fact I thought it was one of the perks of *having* children. You know they're gonna grow up so fast and get to an age where they don't need that any more. :) So why not enjoy the closeness while we can?

Most babies go through many alterations in their sleep habits and patterns in the first couple of years. What works one month may not work two months later. A baby who actually sleeps a lot during his first two months may suddenly not be able to sleep at three months. Babies who were terrible sleepers for 18 months are able to sleep easily at 19 months. And so forth.

The term 'sleep training' seems wildly misleading to me – invented by someone to sell books to desperate parents. All of us, adult and baby, sleep when we can and don't sleep when we can't. Babies often seem to respond to 'sleep training,' but I'm convinced they were very close to being able to sleep anyway. Some babies just can't and don't (maybe they didn't read those books), and the parents of those babies then feel like they've somehow failed.

My grandson was a very problematic sleeper for his first 2.5 years, and no matter what strategies his parents tried, that was the simple reality of it. And they tried everything, read every book, established terrific evening rituals, tried CIO, and so forth. But with no further change in strategy, he finally just started sleeping better, and now at 5.5, he's still doing great.

Up until he was around a year, we did take turns rocking him to sleep every night. Eventually, he didn't fit in our laps very well, and seemed to have no trouble giving up the rocking. I just don't think it was as satisfying to him when he got larger.

His mommy, my daughter, had the most awful colic for her first 6 months, and I would walk with her for 4 hours every single night. We were both miserable if I tried to put her down. But then it simply stopped. She couldn't hold enough in her tummy to last even 2.5 hours between feedings, day and night, for her first 8 months. So I co-slept with her, and when she woke at night, I would let her nurse while I dozed. It was a lovely solution for both of us. When she no longer needed night feedings, we still enjoyed the co-sleeping until she was nearly 2. She had no trouble at all switching to her own bed, so I did not create a problem by giving her what she needed while she needed it.

I guess my point is that you won't really know what's going to be needed, what's going to work the best, and whether you will form habits in your child until you are looking back on past history. Some parents swear that babies will get hooked and needy if they comfort them too much. I think they read that in a book, but it doesn't seem to be a fact in any of the young children I have watched grow up. They need what they need when they need it, and then they grown bigger and their needs change.

Older babies begin to need more space, more choice, more freedom. Just like with swaddling. Very few babies do well being swaddled after their first few months, even though they may not have been able to sleep without it when they were tinies.

Do whatever serves you and your son the best while he's still little, K., and I think you'll both be just fine. You might also want to invest in some good books on parenting kids at different age levels. The Happiest Baby and Happiest Toddler on the Block are good ones for moms who want to be emotionally comforting to their babies. www.askdrsears.com/ is a very good site for all sorts of parenting tips. Look up on the internet about attachment parenting for loads of supportive information.

You'll get warnings from strict parents about spoiling your child, but as long as you are clear, consistent and age-appropriate in your boundaries and expectations, that won't happen.

I just went by my kids' cues... and always nursed on-demand 24/7 day and night.
Babies, need to feed/nurse, on-demand for the 1st year.
Day and night.
Especially at growth-spurts.

A baby, will naturally sleep longer as they age.

I rocked my kids, sang, and co-slept.
I did whatever was needed, per their cues.
I never let my kids cry it out as babies.
They are babies.
They need to bond with Mommy too, and they get separation-anxiety, which is all, developmental based and cannot be turned off.

MANY things going on with a baby and they are growing and changing so fast, and when hitting milestones, it tweaks their sleep too. And teething and these things going on ALL at the SAME time. For a baby.
Not easy for them either.
And once their gross-motor skills changes too and they stand-up, pull-up, start crawling or walking, this tweaks their sleep too.

You need to take into consideration, their development and age related changes/development.
Sleep is not just sleep. A baby's sleep is never static, thusly.
It changes and ebbs and flows.
Then 'night terrors' occurs too. All developmental based.

Get the book "What To Expect The First Year" and "What To Expect The Toddler Years."

Have to say my oldest was so stubborn attempts at CIO didn't last long for us and she's still a very needy sleeper (almost 7). My younger was always a better sleeper and we only did CIO when she started getting up at 5am somewhere around 9 months or maybe a year I think. She didn't cry for long so it wasn't horrible and was very effective. She's still a way better sleeper than her sister. I do think rocking them etc can really delay them falling asleep on their own. But doesn't mean you should use CIO. I don't feel like I ever really did. Maybe I'm payign the price but part of me feels it's really different by personality and my older child is just needy at bedtime. If it's what she needs, I've felt it's worth giving to her. So not sure there's any way to generally reassure that your son will magically outgrow this. Each child is different and it's your choice. If you think you'll go crazy if pretty soon your child won't go to sleep on his own or by age 2/3, you may have to reconsider. If not and it'd just be nice if he went to sleep on his own, then see how it goes. Maybe he'll learn and maybe he'll be like my oldest. But they're only young once.

Ok, I know you want positive so I'm going to try and let you know what happened to me without discouraging your efforts.....With my first son I absolutely HATED hearing him cry, I felt horrible, like I didn't know how to fix something so simple. So, I started down the path of always rocking him out for his naps and bedtime. Around the 14 or so month mark, I started to realize what a time suck it was to keep rocking him out. The older he was getting, the longer it took to rock him out. I'd spend a good 30 minutes just getting him to stop playing with my face, tugging at my shirt, fussing for books on the floor etc... then he'd stare blankly at whatever caught his eye for another 15-20 minutes until he finally was out. However, I'd have to keep rocking him for another 10 minutes or so to make sure he was good and out or he'd wake right back up again and I'd be back to the rocking chair.

As much as I loved rocking him out in the beginning, I realized, it was the worst thing for him. He never learned to fall asleep on his own real well until he was almost 4 1/2. Baby #2 came along and I was still rocking him out (he was 2 1/2). I remember my newborn screaming in the next room but my boy was so close to being out that I didn't know if I should risk him waking back up or let the newborn cry herself to sleep in the next room. It was a nightmare. With baby #2, by the time she was 2 months old, I started to just lay her down. She never really cried much, and neither did my third child. My last two both would talk themselves to sleep, sometimes a little fuss would come out, but not much. Oh, if I tried just putting my son in his crib to fall asleep on his own at this point, he'd never fall asleep and he'd be so exhausted, red, puffy eyes, lethargic almost. I did a disservice to him when I didn't rock him.

Do I regret rocking my son for as long as I did? To a degree, yes. I think I screwed up his sleeping habits that took a LONG time for him to work through on his own. He's almost 8 now and it could just be him, or it could have been my fault, but it still takes him some nights over an hour to finally fall asleep which is hard because then I have to wake him up so early the next morning for school and he's so tired, poor kid.

This was my experience, not to discourage you, just know what you are doing before it goes too far like my situation did:)

I did not let my babies cry. Fuss a little sure. They are 18, 17, and 14 now, and other than normal teenaged stuff, they've never had any sleep issues. They are strong, smart, balanced kids with a lot of self respect. However who they are now, is more of an accumulation of things, not just the fact that I never let a baby cry.

:)

This varies widely for kids, but I will warn you, my friends co slept (not sure if you're co sleeping or rocking to sleep and then walking away), and their daughter would not leave their bed at 4 years old, and then not until they bought her a mega jungle gym bed thingie as a bribe for her 5th birthday. Also, the WHOLE FAMILY would leave events to go to bed, because she would not go to bed without them (picture theme music from psycho in the background of my head and other adult peers looking uncomfortably about trying to avoid eye contact and laughter every time they announced they "all" had to go to bed) So. As a very worst case scenario, that can happen.

Also, I'm not anti "sleep helping", I think we all know kids grow up healthy and happy both ways (CIO or helped) based on happy adults who were raised both ways, but it IS harder for kids to break the habit of needing help to sleep as toddlers than as babies. Most CIO people I know feel they are helping the kids prevent major trauma later (if they're not in it for the long co-sleeping haul) by introducing a little crying up front.

I was able to transition one of my daycare charges from being rocked in a rocking chair, to laying in his crib (about a year old) while I 'shook' the crib and patted/rubbed his back, then I was able to just stand by the crib and eventually I was able to lay him down, cover him up and walk out.

I do think that the longer you wait on encouraging him to fall asleep in his bed, the harder it'll be to transition him.

One of the best things I ever read as a new mom was in The Baby Whisperer: "Start as you mean to go on." Meaning, think about the habits you are creating, and if you don't want it to be a part of the child's life forever, take steps to change it.

Recognize that this is a habit that's been created, he's being trained that sleep comes after rocking. What do you want to train him to do? How do you want him to learn to go to sleep? Think about the process you'd like to see (many people love a good bath, reading a couple books while rocking and cuddling, then perhaps lay him down and sing some lullabies while stroking his head) and then start doing it. He will fuss and struggle, as breaking any habit can be hard at any age, and it can take up to two weeks for a new habit to be formed. Honestly, people really only resort to CIO because it speeds up the process. If you choose not to CIO, then the modified Ferber method would suggest you still go through with your new routine, which would include you leaving the room, then returning to soothe him as much as you need to. You'd soothe with the last bit of the new routine, so that what he's being trained for is Sing, Head Stroke, Mama Leave, Sleep (or whatever). the point is that you need to introduce a new routine and you need to have patience. He'll get it eventually, it'll be OK!

We never let our daughter cry to go to sleep. We rocked, we laid down with her and read books and sang, we stayed until she fell asleep. We took turns doing this for her each night. I don't see anything wrong with rocking a 2 or 3 year-old to sleep. By that time, we weren't rocking much, but as I said, we laid down with her until she fell asleep.

In our case, we didn't have any younger siblings to make bedtime more challenging. We knew from experience (two older grown children) that they grow up fast and there comes a time when they don't need us. We were willing to be with her at bedtime as long as she needed us. It wasn't work, it was providing comfort. We still read to her every night, she's 9 now. But she is able to go to sleep, and stay asleep, by herself just fine.

It's up to you to decide what works for your family.

I co-slept (breastfed) with all three of mine from birth and around 18-24mo we started to place boundaries and slowly changed routines from babyhood to a more independent toddler.

my first one was 2yo and sleeping in her own room, all we had to do was tuck her into bed, pat her back for 5 minutes, waited another 5-10 to make sure she was asleep before we left her room. My second one was 3 before he was put into his own bed but we were cramped for space (hubby working on and finishing his degree) until we moved and then he had his own bed, but he was really ready to move out of our bed long before we had room. My last one we had plenty of room and was using the toddler bed from 9mo but slept in the same room as us. Once he was sleeping totally in it through the night without climbing into my bed he was about 2.5yo and then we got bunk beds and he went to sharing a room with the older two.

now my younger two still want us to tuck them in at night, pat backs sometimes and they are 6yo and 10yo. My oldest (12yo) will simply tell me good night and go to bed without me tucking her it most nights.

They do learn, but yes it takes awhile. I think the fall back is that my kids have never been terrified of the dark (we sleep with nightlights, but don't have the room completely lit up), we've rarely had to deal with "monsters in the closet" or the "boogieman under my bed". I've never really been woken up by a crying kid who won't come to my room for comforting - unless one if really sick - throwing up, high fever. And we've always been able to settle down pretty quickly so that everyone is asleep again in less then 20 minutes, if one of them does wake up.

Hope that helps!

I tried the CIO method a couple of times early on and it would always hurt me to do so and I stopped when I found out that just spending about 10 minutes rocking them (I have 2 year old twins) first, they usually go to sleep all night. Since I have twins, it takes me 20 minutes (10 minutes each child).

I also used to rock them if they woke up in the middle of the night, but stopped that when I stopped nursing them at 14 months. I do come in and rub their tummies or back but I don't take them out of the crib. It was hard the first week, but now I don't have to rock them in the middle of the night.

Sometimes they don't sleep through the night because they still have their pacifiers and they'll wake up if they can't easily find it if it falls out of their mouths. Then I have to get it for them. But they're starting to sleep through the night on their own. I'm hoping that this is the start of something permanent. : )

I whisper to them right before I rock them that when the light is out they need to sleep and mommy needs to sleep, so "no wake up mommy" and it works most of the time.

You said that you hope not to rock them when he's 2 or 3, I still am and hoping that I don't have to rock them when they're 3 or 4. LOL!

I loved the book the no cry sleep solution. It has a very easy clear method to get your kids sleeping through the night alone. I still use the method with my 3 year old son and it has worked wonders.

didn't read all responses, just wanted to say all kids are different, some are easy to put to bed and some take longer, I think each mom does as much as she has to to get them to sleep, for me that was NOT cio, it was alot of rocking, some sleeping on the floor next to the crib, etc etc. I also think any method you try will be interrupted by teething, colds, vacations etc. You usually have to adapt and get back on track quite often. I would think it would be reasonable to rock until he was at least 1, I might feel more comfortable with age 2 but at least old enough not to be a new born.

My sil had great heavy sleepers, from the get go. Mine weren't. her's were sleeping through the night from age 2 on, Mine were more around 4/5yo. I really don't think our approaches were that different, but i do think our babies were.

I lilke the Elizabeth pantley books and the baby whisperer books because of the routine of it.

maybe start slow at nap time, like try maybe rocking him for a few minutes and then laying him down and let him just talk and babble himself to sleep. or maybe put a couple of toys in his crib to play with until he falls asleep. then work it slowly to bedtime. i know you are very anti CIO, but just know that the longer you rock him the harder it is going to be for him to learn to fall asleep on his own. at his age, to try CIO is not as bad as you think...i wouldnt let him cry for more than maybe 10 minutes and then go in lay him back down or maybe rub his back for a minute and then go back out of his room...if you ever decided to try it. i held my oldest until he fell asleep until he was about 1 and i had to stop because i was pregnant again and it hurt to bad. at that point i would hold him for a few minutes and then lay him down...for a couple of days he would cry and fuss for awhile until he fell asleep and after that he learned that bedtime was bedtime....he is a little over 2 now and has been in his big boy bed since he was around 18 months and he sleeps awesome. my twins are 7 months. i lay them down for naps and they fall asleep themselves. if they are super cranky and cant fall asleep i'll pick them up and rock them for a couple minutes then lay them down. i lay them down to fall asleep at night and they do great. better sleep for them to not have to be moved alot and shifted and better sleep for me. i hope you get the advice u need.

'Start as you mean to go on' is pretty killer advice.

My son's bedtime routine was about 10 minutes as an older infant (not including nursing, bath, etc... but actual in the room time). As a 9yo, it's still about 10 minutes.

My friends spent an hour sitting and reading every night from infancy on and then laying down with them until they were asleep. Their 6yo they've been trying for 3 years to lessen that hour, but it's still an hour and they still have to stay in there with him, or it's several hours later and he's still awake.

Same with just about everyone I've ever known. The 'routine' you set and they set (aka what works for that child/what you're willing to do whether it's what you want to do or not), pretty much stays the same for a VERY long time. (All routines change a BIT as they hit different stages). It CAN be changed, but it takes a great deal of effort in most cases.

I couldn't do CIO either. My daughter would always fall asleep as I fed her... Eventually - at about 9 mos, I began to go through our usual routine, but I put her in her crib awake (but very groggy). She would fuss (and wouldn't take a pacifier...). I would just sing to her and rub her back and "hush" alot - sometimes for what felt like hours. Eventually she would go to sleep and over time it took less and less to get her to go down. Follow your instict and they will learn to self soothe. I did at one point let her whine a bit for a few minutes at a time - and would always come back to reassure her I was there. I don't think that one day he'll just go to sleep by himself. He'll need your help to learn to do that - but that doesn't mean CIO.