Really Bad Temper

There's a book that's an easy read - "Don't sweat the small stuff and it's all small stuff." One of the very first items in there is "Make Peace with Imperfection."

It always bothered me when people would criticize stuff or if you said you didn't like something, they'd jump right on it to tease about it. My family does this all the time.

It's so hard when you're that age and want so badly to be good at something, and not be able to live up to your own expectations. Let her know that this is all a part of life. If there was a grocery store that did everything perfectly, then there'd only be one grocery store to go to, and it would be called "the store." But that isn't the case is there? Because there's Aldi's, Krogers, Marsh, etc. Same thing with Gas Stations....and there's Shell, BP, Citgo, Sunoco, Speedway, Marathon, etc. etc. Nobody has the "perfect recipe for success", and we're all doing the best we can the best way we know how. If we change our expectations towards that realm, then life becomes a little easier to take.

I'm not sure what the best way to approach it is - just offering a few thoughts, for what it's worth....

Good luck!!

V., I was so glad to read someone else is going threw what I have for the longest time I thought I was the only one who had a child, that sounds like the way yours is. My daughter is now 11 she to will have a melt down if she is not the best if she does not understand what the teacher says the first time it is very hard for her to handle she is a straight A and B student, even if she gets a B she is upset me and my husband our not hard on our kids as long as they do the best they can. When she was 9 I finally broke down and sought help I took to a psychologist I call them a certified councilor she was having melt downs at school when she didn't understand something she would just put her head down and cry. They taught her ways to recognize when a fit was starting how she felt and ways to handle it, it was as simple as when she started having a fit to count 1,2,3 and think what is the best way to handle this we went for a year, 1 or 2 times a week. She is a lot better now we still have some melt downs like during softball nothing like what it was. If I'm at the game I can usually talk her out of it by knowing what they taught her in therapy. For the punishing that one of the writers wrote about I don't think that it is right to punish a child when they can't control there emotions. Now after we have been to therapy I will punish her if she has a bad melt down and can't pull out of it If she doesn't try to work threw it. They told me it was a learned behavior I still don't know how she learned it because I have 3 other children and none of them have this problem. I hope some of this has helped just remember sometimes they can't control it, it is just in there ways

Your daughter needs encouraging words from you to help her understand that she can't be perfect at everything. Work with her at home on her baseball and let her see that she can do better and it's okay not to be PERFECT.Maybe her coach can give her some private tutoring on her game.But having a fit and crying about it doesn't make her situation any better, she needs to think "Okay I'll do better next time " Tell her she can do anything she sets her mind too but she has to practice practice and practice.Getting good at something doesn't come over night, it is hard work.
Some counciling places have anger managment classes that Might help her.Being teased is not fun and can only lead to more anger.She sounds like a very sensitive child wanting to be so perfect, she is only 9 and could possibly already starting into the hormone changing age maybe talk to her Dr. and have her tested. Hormones play a huge role on how we handle ourselfs and how we react to failure.It is very confusing to a young lady.Good luck my prayers are with you .
Debbie

HOw much do you talk about ALTERNATIVE BEHAVIOR? Do you talk about what is appropriate and what is not? When you see something in the store, on TV, etc. TALK ABOUT IT! How did viewing the situation make her feel? How could the situation be handled differently? How does she want others to see her? immature? hard working? determined? If so, then she needs to exhibit the behaviors that will make people see her that way.

As far as the perfectionism goes......I've BEEN THERE! One of the WORST things you can do in life is try to be perfect. I grew up with, "Miss Perfect" and tried to live that out. All you do is make yourself NUTS in the process.

Remind her CONTINUALLY that NO ONE is perfect and the way you get better is to practive. Remind her that part of participation is HAVING FUN! Re-route the "wanting to be perfect" energy into working on EXCELLENT character traits and working on THOSE. There is a book called something like THE 7 HABITS of Highly Effective Teens by Covey, I believe. Might be a good idea to go thru it with her as a mom/daughter special time. There are some other great mom/daughter books out there, too, but this one focuses on BEHAVIOR and CHARACTER TRAITS.

Okay, I understand the predicament. No one is perfect, we learn from mistakes and not doing things well. Time to learn how to make the best of things.
I never allowed my children the option of quitting and hiding in their room when things did not go their way or weren't done perfectly. Okay, so it isn't exactly what you wanted it to be. How or what could we have done differently to make it come out the way you expected. Let us try it again was the rule in the home.
Having a fit about something is just not happening, you are not going to your room, you are not going to act out or you will A) sit at the table and write an apology note to everyone who witnessed your behavior, B) You are going to walk up to everyone in front of me and hand them the note along with a verbal apology. C) You are losing your TV, computer, Video game time for the rest of the day/evening and will be helping do chores instead. If you think having another fit will help then you lose all of the above for tomorrow as well.
If she strikes out at baseball and has a fit she can spend the rest of the game sitting on the bench. Make this arrangement with the coaches and beg them to help her by this action. Then she gets to go home, take a shower, and come out and write her apologies to the coaches and the team.
If she doesn't like the other children teasing her she knows how to correct the problem. Don't have the crying fit and they won't have a reason to tease her will they?
She has to understand there are consequences for her actions and this is part of the consequences.
Hard love is difficult but necessary sometimes, this is one of the times.

Perfectionist or not, a temper is a bad thing to have. Obviously, she feels some satisfaction from it or she wouldn't be doing it. Make her pay for temper tantrums. If she has them at home, make her do some big chore that will get her anger out of her system.

If she does it in public, make her go and apologize to those who had to witness it. Sure, she is mad at herself, and we can all understand that, but a tantrum is not the way to handle it. Make sure you tell her the rules ahead of time. Let her know you will take her immediately home if she has a tantruma and she will not go back until she apologized to her coach or whomever.

I have seen teens punch holes in their bdrm walls from a temper tantrum. Let her know if she has to punch something get a pillow.

Good luck