Sorry for the long post!!!
So let me start off by saying that I am the one in our household reading ALL the parenting books and of course being the primary care giver for our little one. My husband has only changed 3 diapers in the last 16 months and not a single poopy diaper. I am responsible for feeding, entertaining, bathing (on weekends), sleep time etc....my husband will play with our son when convenient for him. I work full time as well and we have a nanny that watches our son during the week day. So given the fact that I do majority of the tasks for my child, I do tend to get a little defensive when my husband doesn't do anything but also doesn't spare the oppurtunity to tell me how to do things right - so the LO can watch as much TV on grandma's watch (MIL watches him occassionally when nanny is not there) which is fine by me but if I turn on the TV so I can eat my lunch then my husband says I am making the child a slave to technology.
Scenario 1 - husband wants to eat lunch with me so I give the LO the ipad to hear some nursery rhymes. Husband gets upset and thinks that I am letting the LO rule the roost as he should be able to just entertain himself. Which he does but he also constantly keeps coming over to the breakfast table where we are eating wanting to play with us and get our attention..........it is just a matter of 10 minutes and gives me some peace and quiet to eat myself.
Scenario 2 - husband needs help with household project (not really but he says he does). Asks his mother to take baby upstairs (even if she has to forcefully - his words) - Grandma doesn;t have the skills to distract the child - other family members that watch him do and we have seen him go to them happily and play with them while we are not present or present. So MIL is taking LO up the stairs, he starts crying so bad - I am like fine he will get over it. But he continues to cry. Instead of taking him to the gameroom where his toys are, grandma takes him to his room and shuts the door...he keeps crying and crying and then grandma leaves him in ther, closes the door behind her and comes out to get water. She doesn;t know or maybe doesn;t care that the LO is extremely scared of being on his own. He is only 16 mos and we never leave him in him room alone unless he is sleeping and if we leave him the door is open and we are right outside or in sight so he knows he can come out....this is just a pet peeve of his. I tell Grandma that she should go back and the LO is getting upset and I will get water for her. Husband gets VERY upset at me and states that the LO should know how to be in his room by himself and to let him cry and that is how he will learn - my heart is breaking and that this point I put my foot down - I didn;t feel this was necessary at all but my husband says again that I am letting the LO rule the house and get away with whatever he wants......
I don;t think this is the case since I have read so many books and we do discipline him and he doesn;t get what he wants all the time........so what my question is just specifically in the two scenarios listed above do you think I was over reacting and letting the little one get away with stuff??????
TIA
Thanks everyine for your suggestions and thoughts.....we have started marital counselling and coming up with a parenting plan in on the top of our list. We are also modifying meal times to where the LO can enjoy a snack while we eat - we will see how it goes since he is very spirited and who wants to be stuck in a high chair with all the world to explore :-)Grandma is visiting but I did have a chat with my husband regarding understanding her limitations and not expecting more from her than she can deliver - just let her enjoy her grandchild - my mom on the other hand loves to run after my son and she can be the active grandma who watches him........I got teary eyed reading your responses as a lot of you hit the nail on the head with my husband's personality..........marriage takes a lot of work and I am not ready to give up without giving it my all....please keep your fingers crossed that the therapy sessions are helpful!
Laura, thanks for your response. I just want you to know that I am always very respectful towards my MIL. She really didn;t do a good job raising her kids as she was not a very involed parent and always thought about herself first.....this is obvious in my husband's level of maturiy and handling of emotional issues - he has an exceptionally high IQ with no EQ.
Have you considered marital counseling? It sounds like it might be beneficial. Parenting is difficult and changes the dynamics of a relationship big time. When we had DD, we both realized that she would rule the roost for the first year or so.
I don't think you were letting him get away with anything. As far as the lunch example, mothers have been distracting kids for ages. It's just that now we have easy technology to do it. In the past mothers would go as far as to hand little ones their car keys to get a few minutes of silence. I remember having a little one and feeling like I'd do anything to have 10 mins to eat my meal.
I also think that 16 months is a bit young to be left in the room. I realize she was just running for water, but I don't see anything wrong with you saying that you would grab the glass of water. My son is 6 and still hates to be left alone in a room. He can handle it, but he doesn't prefer it.
I don't think this sounds like overacting. Good luck!!!
No child of 16 months old has the ability to entertain himself alone in his room or anywhere else. That is simply not something a child this age is developmentally able to do Your child was just being normal. Your husband has NO idea what "normal" is for a child this age. Or any age, I'm sure.
The worrying thing is this: If your husband has zero knowledge of kids' real developmental stages, he will expect far, far too much of your son all the time and be angry when your son doesn't "live up to his expectations." He will be the kind of dad who says, "He's 4! He should be able to clean up his own room without help!" and "He's seven! He should be able to handle that bully at school without crying and getting emotional!" And so on. And your son will always feel that he's letting dad down but won't be quite sure why.
From what you describe, not just the one incident but the overall "checked out" nature of your husband's participation, he needs a good mental slap but will never, ever accept it from you. That's sad, but it seems clear he will not listen to you; he knows best. Many men don't want to go to any form of classes, training or, heaven forbid, counseling because that makes them feel "weak," but it sounds like he needs a parenting class. You might have to get tough and find some form of ultimatum to get him to go. Be sure to take it with him so he feels you're in this together. And if at all possible, find a parenting class (1) specifically aimed at parents of children under 4 and (2) taught or at least co-taught by a MAN!
Whoa....if your husband thinks a 16 month old is going to entertain himself, he's got a VERY rude awakening coming.
16 month olds don't manipulate
I hear a lot of criticism from him, but no solutions. Have you flat out asked him what he suggests?
Please don't leave your son with your husband to babysit.
Your husband is being a jerk. Granted, it is likely due to his ignorance re: parenting. I don't think that is much of an excuse, though.
Your husband is a bad parent, plain and simple. It's supposed to be a partnership. The man is just not there emotionally.
He needs to read the parenting books and go to a parenting class.
Your son is only 16 months old, you are not spoiling him by any means. He's also getting to the age of separation anxieties. In both scenarios I feel you are at no way letting him rule the house. For goodness sake, he's 16 months old.
Sounds like your husband is competing with his son for your attention. Anytime you take attention away from hubby to give to your son you are letting the LO rule to roost. Well, you are letting the big baby rule to roost. You need to have a serious discussion with your husband one on one. He needs to engage in the everyday parenting of a 16 month old. In other words, its time for him to "man up".
Sounds to me like your husband needs a reality check. Before there were kids you were able to give all your attention to him, now things have changed. Your child is 16mo old, still a baby! I have a 18mo and 3 1/2 year old and although they can entertain themselves to ability that their age allows, they are still "needy" If my children didn't act this way, I would think someting is wrong. I would print off info online to show your husband what a child at that age can and can't do, and for what length of time, just to proove the point that your child is doing everything that is appropriate for the age. Also even when my 18 month old does entertain himself it usually leads to dare devil tendancies, so I am not comftorable leaving him alone unsupervised out of eye/ear distance.
Ugh. My husband is *exactly* like this - shOrt on participation, long on criticism. He especially loves to tell me, "Be the parent."
I finally decided "eff him.". If it was so easy (as he obviously thinks) he'd be the one doing it every day.
Whether or not you're over-reacting, I can't say, because everyone's parenting styles are different & what's right for you and your kiddo isn't necessarily right for anyone else. I will say that I would - and have - done exactly what you did.
So when your husband starts bullying you about your parenting, I suggest you do what I do & tell him where he can stick it. Or offer to take off for the afternoon & leave him and his beyond-reproach parenting skills home alone with kiddo.
Good luck.
I think you need to find the time to sit down with DH, discuss how all this makes you feel and perhaps say, "On Saturday, I'm going to run errands for a few hours and I want you to watch DS so that you have a better idea of how things really go when you're with a toddler, alone." If he would likely let MIL take over, take her with you. My DH's view of "working from home with the child" changed when I made him telecommute with DD while I went to a doctor's appointment. It was just an hour or so, but he got nothing done. Yeah, like I told you...
I think your DH needs a reality check. I would also talk to MIL about things like closing the door vs another way to accomplish the same thing without leaving the child by himself.
Yes. But it was obviously done out of love. :)
Teach the child to play on his own. He needs some independence to learn how to be his own man - learning that started months ago.
Whether 16 months or 16 years, children crave and need the attention of their parents and giving it to them is not spoiling - letting them hit, bite, talk back, etc. THAT is ruling the roost. Not shower affection and praise and attention - heaven forbid you raise a child who knows he is loved and cared for by both parents. . .
I agree with the moms who have said hubby is offering a lot of criticism, but not a lot of solutions. Let him have some time alone with LO and NO MIL to help out. Call it "boys time".
also find some time to sit down and work out a few things on how you all want to parent together.
sometimes we moms just "know" what needs to get done (even if we know what we don't know and go learn) and do it. Dad may not keep up or perceives it as pushing him out of the way (we aren't) and then it becomes combative - like who is the better parent. ONly to say, sit down and tell him you realize you both are approaching parenting differently and it must not be this way so, let him tell you his philosophy and you share yours. agree on key things (technology vs. a toy as distraction??) get into details and then agree to it. If he doesn't know WHAT he wants to do - offer the books and that maybe you both could benefit from it. Guys have egos plain and simple - go ahead and feed his if the end result would be a better partner and parent.
Good luck!
The only good part of your story is the part where you put your foot down! Good for you, it sounds like you need to do a lot of that.
Best of luck to you!
I say your choices are A) hubby takes a parenting class and starts spending time with his own child. Or B) you and hubby get a divorce and you start looking for a great step father for your LO
Every kids deserves a daddy and your hubby sounds like he regards the kids as a pain who is in his way. So many of us would love to help parent a 16 month old, so sad your hubby isn't relishing the gift that he has received. Your precious child is a gift from God who will grow up and move out beofre you know it, your hubby needs help seeing that
I suggest that your husband jumped on you because you criticized his mother. She was only leaving the boy alone for a minute to get some water, your son may have cried, but 1 minute is certainly not going to traumatize him. By you telling his mother that she is doing it wrong you are offending her and him. I think that you may not have very much respect for your MIL (since you said she doesn't have the SKILLS to distract your son) and then you put your foot down. She raised your husband and you love him and married him. I am willing to bet that he was upset with you because you upset his mom.
Now, I agree with you that husband needs to step it up. He needs to be helping you. But, I also don't think that TV or ipads should be used when it's time to eat. I know you are wanting to eat without distraction, believe me I KNOW! but, they are little only once. Take the time to eat and answer questions. Or, wait until the child is down for a nap (that's what I do) and then eat by yourself.
I see your point but I also see your husbands.
L.
