Ready or Not

Just a couple things:

1. Lots of times when men are getting ready to have babies the just freak all out. There life is about to change and they know it. They are desperately grabbing for all of the things they think they will lose when the baby gets here. This can happen even when the baby is planned.

2. Mommy gets thoroughly p.o.'d because everything in their life has changed. They don't look the same or feel the same and this baby is already a reality for them. Then here is this guy and NOTHING has changed for him. He doesn't look different or feel different he can go out and do what he wants when he wants. It is frustrating and scary, because what if the baby gets here and he STILL feels this way.

You need to find time to sit down with him and talk about this when you guys aren't mad. Address his fears first. I wouldn't call them fears or he might get defensive. Call them "concerns." Let him know that you can work things out where you give him time to be a guy doing guy things and he can give you time being a girl doing girl things. Tell him you can work it out so that he gets a certain ammount of time a week and you get the same. Then explain to him the things that WILL change that you can't do anything about. No leaving at the spur of the moment. No sex at the spur of the moment. Things will have to be more structured so that everyone is happy. But it is doable. Tell him you need his support right now, because you are feeling concerns about the changes too and you need him around to make you feel safe about the fact that you two are able and willing to handle those changes. This can be fixed if you communicate and he is really committed.

If he isn't committed, you are better off changing the living situation now rather than later.

I am so sorry that you are going through this situation. I've read the responses already written and there was a lot of information given for you to think about. I pray that the Lord will intervene in your situation and cause your fiance to have a change of heart so that he will calm down, marry you and be the husband and father God created him to be. May the Lord give you the strength and peace you need to prepare for motherhood. God bless.

I went through the same thing with my boyfriend of 7 years. We got pregnant and then a few months into he was going out and not comming home. We argued all the time and it didnt help my emotions when I was pregnant. I will tell you from my experience, this was the way my boyfriend dealt with being scared. He thought if he wasnt around he wouldnt be so scared out of his mind! Well when our son was born, who is now 20 months old, everything changed! He is the best dad and I couldnt ask for more! I think you should have a serious talk with him and tell him how you feel, seriously. I think he will come around. It just sucks that right now he is being scarce.But this might be his way of getting everything out of his system before your angel arrives.

DON'T get married yet. Hopefully since it was planned the father will kick in once the baby is here. Sometimes guys get scared once a baby is in the making.
Some guys change tremendously for the better once the baby is here. I am hoping this is your case. At this point for the way he is acting, I would not consider marrying him until after the baby is here and you see how he handles it.

A.,

When a baby comes into your life, it's a whole new ballgame. People who say they wont be changed are given a huge helping of humble pie, because it takes more work than you ever ever thought it would. And as hard as they say it is, it's ten times harder.

That aside, being a parent is THE most rewarding and soul fulfilling experience you could ever have. You don't just love your children, you FALL IN LOVE with them.

If your fiance is not committed to you or to this experience and refuses to be responsible, I think you are going to have to make some difficult descisions. He may not be the right answer for you and your baby. It's heartbreaking to think he might miss out on being a father, but if he's not going to be an adult about it, no amount of arguing or fighting or even pleading is going to change his mind. You've got to do what's best for you alone to help the welfare of your child.

Best of luck to you,
J.

Dear A.,

If your child is all that is holding you together, then sooner or later your man is going to be gone. He sounds immature to me. See if he will get into counseling with you. If he won't go, then I think you should go alone. Men don't change very much. Take it from a woman who has been married for 34 years.

Best wishes on the baby.
L.

My ex husband and I were married for three years before having our first planned child. Our second child was planned as well. As soon as we had kids he started staying out all the time, coming home late, slacking on responsibilities. He convinced me to get pregnant the second time by promising to change. He didn't. We were separated before my second child's first birthday.
we have been divorced for over five years now. He didn't become a good father and a responsible parent until after we'd been divorced about a year and he realized he had to in order to be a part of his children's lives.
I wouldn't marry him until you see how he does once the child is here. Good luck!

Get counseling. . . NOW! Maybe he's nervous about the added responsibility coming his way and he doesn't know how to tell you. Maybe he's scared because he's not going to get all of your attention. Whatever it is, if he can't tell you in a way you understand, the problem won't just go away. Trust me, I've been there! It just festers under the surface if he figures out how to hide it and then one day when you think everything's cool, it will explode in your face! Okay, so maybe a little dramatic, but I seriously think you two should go talk to someone neutral who can help you understand each other.

Sounds like your fiancee needs to do some serious growing up. It sounds like he is wanting to be single and was not really ready for a family yet. As much as I'm sure you don't want to you may have to give him an ultimatum either he stops doing what he's doing or get out. It is o.k. for him to go out once in a while but not all the time. When that baby comes you are going to need all the help you can get. He may say he is going to change but odds are he wont. He also may just be having the last of the real fun before the baby comes and he may settle once the baby is here. It is a tough situation. If he is staying away from home meaning staying gone all night and not coming home until the next day it sounds like you may need to put your foot down and do the ultimatum. That is no life for you or your baby to have to live with. Sounds to me like he's not quite ready yet but he needs to be a man now and step up and help you out and start being around. Good luck and I hope everything works out.
D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

I don't want to be negative, but I have been in your shoes. My sons father was the same way while I was pregnant, and he continues to be that way. When my son was two, we finally separated, mainly because he wanted me to leave my son with his mom all the time and go party with him, I didn't want to do that. For me, settling down and raising a family means staying home and raising that family (of course there is nothing wrong with an occasional night out.) For him settling down and raising a family meant being at home with the family when there was nothing else going on. He was a very good father when he wasn't busy doing other things, but that wasn't the life I wanted for my son OR myself.

I am not telling you that that is how your fiance is going to be, just how it was for me. I sometimes wish that I had broken it off with him sooner, because he WAS such a good father when he was around, it was VERY VERY hard on my son after he moved out because then he was never around. Mostly it (still) seems like he doesn't even remember he has a son, unless it's convenient for him at the time. We divorced when my son was 2 and now he is 10 1/2.

My advice is do NOT marry this person. Apparently true colors are now showing. His behavior is a big red flag. If he is being destructive to himself he could also become hostile toward you and eventually toward the baby. I would rather raise a child alone than worry about the safety of the child. And your safety as well. I wish I had known about "red flags" when I was a young adult. My life would be much different.

This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Being a father means taking some responsibility and thinking about the family you are leaving at home. I wouldn't get futher involved with someone who isn't taking his new role seriously. It's scary having a baby and starting a family for both mom and dad. But, if this isn't the kind of family you want to start, don't go ahead with it. Having not set your date for the wedding should send off signals that perhaps he's not serious about this after all.

Good luck, sweetie. This is why it's smart to wait to live together and have children AFTER you have made the commitment to marriage.

Hello A. -

Signs of destructive behavior and staying away from home are sometimes indicative of more troubling issues. Addiction is a very powerful thing and I would be feeling very anxious in your shoes as well. What I know from experience is that it doesn't usually get better when a baby enters the picture. Once you are married, the troubles become yours as well - financially, emotionally, etc. Try and ask him what is going on. If he's not willing to talk, I would highly recommend finding a counselor or pastor or someone to talk with BEFORE you get married.

People say that past behavior is usually predictive of future behavior. I would agree.

You can still love this person and not be with him or have him around your child. Sometimes people just can't or won't do the right thing for them and for those around them.

Good luck to you - again, I am just speaking from experience but that's how it started for me. Al-Anon was a lifesaver for me.

Get out while you can. I had a friend in same situation, remember you can not change a person. Is this the kind of guy you what your baby being as a father and seeing how a husband acts? Do not waste your time and your life, when you could find someone that truly wants to be a family man and will be there for you and your child.

Hi A.,
I don't know if this will be any help or not but reading your post, all I can think of is all the discussions I have had with friends of mine about how bad our men freaked out every time we were expecting a baby. I don't know what it is, but for some reason I think just the idea of the awesome responsibility a child brings is enough to make some guys act irresponsibly and do things they wouldn't normally do....and I am not meaning to say YOUR sweetie is doing all these things but, but I am referring to things like cheating, drinking too much, working too much, whatever! Destructive behaviors. I have had long talks about this with my husband of 16 years and he has confirmed I was right, and he tried to explain it to me, but it was hard to understand. I just know that you're not alone with this. I think it happens more than people talk about. I also think it usually calms down some after the baby is born. I always joke with my husband that only ONE of my 4 pregnancies was "normal" because he wasn't freaking out on me.
I also know all about that argument about him going out all the time. My husband is (was) an alcoholic. He has not drank in over 11 years now, but before he stopped, no amount of me crying about him going out again made him see what it was doing to me. He had to come to that bottom on his own. I couldn't MAKE it happen. Hopefully things aren't quite that bad for you two. It might just be a phase he is going through. Either way, it CAN be worked through. I hope you can get it worked out. Good luck and if you need a friend, feel free to message me :)
Good luck with your new baby!!

I am not sure how old you both are. I really personally believe that if he truely loves you ,that he would want to make you happy [number 1] if he is only pleasing himself now ,this may also be an issue always. I have been married nearly 20 years and my husband does not hang out with anyone but his wife and kids. A person has to choose his priorties in his relationship [does he want family or friends? ] He should be spending time with you ,and making plans for your future together with new baby. If he does not spend time with you more ,his ways will become permanent . What you see is what you get. MAKE a wise decision while you are still single and not married. Put your foot down and say look I am in this for someone whom wants to be with me, cause if you do not ,you will be at home raising the baby while he is still running with the boys! I suggest take a long look at future with this guy. ,Maybe he needs to grow up . Maybe his father done his mother this way and he finds it alright. Watch his pattern and you decide 'Is this what you really want in a husband? A father for your baby? If they cannot change now ,,what makes a person think they will change later? Promises are a dime a dozen. Why not live now the way that makes you happy? If you have to beg for his time and attention now,,could be an ongoing issue. Rethink your future while you can. Set down and have a serious talk and put your feelings on the table and see where it goes ..IF he drinks ,,that is not good ,,if he stays out late ,,[not good] If he chooses friends over spending time with you something isnt right! Who wants a life like this ? Shop around for true love..Concerned mom

When I met the father of my two boys we were the same. I was home pregnant and he was out doing whatever. We too planned to be married but no date set. He told me he wanted to be a family and that things would be different. After I had my son it didnt change. He did what he wanted and i sat at home with my boy. I wanted to believe he would change and that we would be a family but sad to say it took me 11 years and two children and still no date to realize that he was never going to change. I finally decided that if i was going to be a single mom and raise my children alone because he was never home. I think its completely natural to believe that your suposed to spend the rest of you life with the father of your children but you shouldn't have to put your dreams and hopes aside to please him. Im not saying this is what he is or will do but if he truely wanted to change for you and for your child you need to ask yourself "If he truely wanted to change why wont he do it now..." Your going threw a lot and he should be there for you now as well. I know it helps posting things on here but non of us can tell you what to do you have to do what your heart tells you too. I think thats why I stayed so long. Maybe you did plan this pregnancy but maybe he's just as scared as you. You need to just sit him down and tell how you feel and tell him if he truely wanted to change he would do it now that way you both go through the prenancy together and not you alone. I really hope things work out for you its hard going through a big change like this and feel the way you do i know...If you just need to vent....were here...

If he is acting this way now i don't think he will change once the baby is here . Besides you do not need this stress that he is causing you, this should be a lovely time and enjoy the process of your pregnancy you will love your little baby even more when he or she is born. Good luck and god is watching over you

If you are questioning your relationship staying with him is probably not in your (or the child's) best interest.
I would say he does not want the relationship and it is time to move on and plan your life without him.

P. R

My advice simply comes in the form of a question. You shouldn't be asking yourself if this is really what he wants more like "Is this what I really want?" women have the ability to see a mans potential and fall for that. what we need to learn is not only to see his potential but realize that he may never change. If he doesn't will you be able to love him the rest of your life like you do now? What is best for you and your baby? Just a couple of things to think about. God bless and good luck.