S.H.
I don't believe he can 'change' nor that you can change him.
Wishful thinking, will not change him.
HE has to realize...that he is a selfish, self-absorbed, clod, who has arrested development. Even his own Mother, says he is NEVER satisfied.
The problem, is chronic.
He is abusing you... and has no reason to...except in his mind, he is always right....
It doesn't matter what his psychological problems are... and only a trained Therapist can assess him... and maybe help him. These things takes YEARS... to 'cure.'
And marriage counseling, takes LONG term, consistent attendance too.
DISCERN... about doing what is right, doing what is needed, and whether it is "wise" to cling to old wishes or not... based on your previous vow of coming from a divorced home and therefore you don't want to divorce.... or to give up for your kids sake.
Sometimes, our age old 'vows' to ourselves... needs to be re-evaluated.
Over time, if not already, your Husband is going to damage your kids... and their development and attitudes about you/what a Woman is/what a Wife is... and how to treat women.
THAT is the legacy your Husband will instill in them... and you either allow that upon your kids or not.
And he lies... he smokes pot. And he cannot care for his own kids and cares for the lawn better than he cares for you and the kids... his family. His family gets treated WORSE than a lawn...
think about that....
Kids do not always need a mom AND dad around.... if the Dad is damaging and abusive to their Mom. Do you want them to 'become' like your Husband???? Because, kids, as they grow up... will do as they are raised and what they are exposed to.
Why on earth... would you want to exist... in a situation like that and with a Man that despises you and his kids???
You said yourself, you do.not.trust.him.with.your.kids.
And YES... the way he treats you IS abusive... and he does it to you in front of the kids, in front of others... and tells you that he HATES your with a passion... and that he CAN'T stand to look at you.
ALL his actions... is hugely, dysfunctional and toxic.
Sometimes, being "noble" is not about just staying with a marriage because you yourself came from a divorced home... but being able, to make a new path for yourself and your kids... that is HEALTHY and safe, for you and them.
If you do go for divorce, document all of these things... and do it privately so he does not know. Then, you can perhaps seek FULL custody of your kids. Afterall, he doesn't care for them, nor will he care for him any better if you are divorced... and their well-being may be further at risk, if you are not supervising him, with them.
all the best,
Susan