Reaching Out to a Grieving Friend

I've had a couple miscarriages after 12 weeks... I can tell you that I really honestly did NOT want to talk to anyone. It just takes time to get over it. I would have hated receiving a book or other "stuff" from someone. The nicest thing anyone ever did was just pop by, drop off some flowers, give me a quick hug, and leave. She had also experienced it, so she knew how it is. I think space is the best medicine, especially if she has a supportive husband and family.

Hi L., God Bless You for reaching out to your friend. You are a huge blessing just by being willing to reach out to her. Many people will be too uncomfortable to be around that kind of deep heartbreak. If you are crafty, a handmade memory box for her to store his mementos in would be an awesome gift. Also, a book such as "Empty Cradle, Broken Heart" by Deborah Davis PhD, or "Grieving the Child I Never Knew" by Kathe Wunnenberg. Some poems related to the loss of a child might be very much appreciated (I have collected quite a few nice ones over the years...pm me if you want and I will email them to you). You could print some out on some pretty paper or card stock for her. Most of all, I encourage you not to give up, even if she isn't able to respond to your kindnesses at first. You are a true friend by being there for her at this terrible time.
Blessings,
A.

I am so glad you are reaching out to her! God bless you! My husband and I lost a baby at 19 weeks in 2008. It was absolutley devestating!! It was a very hard time for us but God has been faithful and taught us much through it. I think bringing her meals is a very good idea. A care package is also a good idea. One thing that was important is to let her greive. And let her talk about her baby as much or as little as she wants to. A well meaning friend said some things that really hurt me when we lost our baby in 08. Be sure to adknowledge how real this baby is to her and that it will always be a part of her heart. I dont know if she is a Christian or not but a book that really helped me was Phillip Yanceys book "Where is God when it hurts?" The book is not about miscarriage/baby loss but it helped me alot. It helped me more than the books that specifically dealt with baby loss actually. Another thing is to continue to be there for her, for the months that follow. Allow her to greive as long as she needs to. We potted a rose plant for our baby, which really helped me to have a concrete reminder of her. Just keep reaching out to her. Shes not alone. I am glad she has a friend like you!
M.

I found a site when i miscarriage it was a miscarriage support group on line. I don't remeber where it was. It helped alot. Anything would help. Just be there more than anything. I went through a phase I wanted my baby back obviously not happening. do things with her to keep her mind busy. Nothing was really said to me that made a good impact or made me recover sooner so just be there and let her vent. She needs to talk to other wemon who have been there so she knows shes not crazy her emotions are normal. She will hate all pregnant girls and will notice them more than you. She will wonder if it was a boy or girl what it would have been like. what would it have looked like. And regret never being able to hold it. Hope this helps

It's normal for her to want to grieve alone for awhile. Pick a night and drop off a dinner (or two!). Let her know you are there when she is ready or eeds to talk. Avoid saying things like" it was probably for the best" "there was probably something wrong with the baby" and "you can try again." Having had a few miscarriages, I can assure you this is the LAST thing she will want to hear. Tel her "I'm so sorry", cry with her and listen. Bless you for being such a good caring friend.

We just lost our baby boy at 22 weeks, so I know exactly how your friend feels. What has been such a blessing for us has been the meals that friends have brought by. It's hard to focus on much of anything during this time, and neglecting ourselves is easy to do. Frozen meals that we can pop in the oven have been a big help. Also, feel good movies have been nice to have around. If your friend has any older children, a care package for the kids was a nice gift that we received for our older daughter. It makes me feel good to see her happy, and having a new box of toys was really nice.
I hope that your friend can find peace during this tough time. I imagine that time she will want to talk more about their baby boy. I'm sure that she appreciates knowing that you are there supporting her, even if she doesn't want to talk yet.

Maybe bring a large card to the next event or gathering that she would normally be at (Bible study, potlucks, ect...) and have everyone sign and write in it. Then it can be sent to her. Maybe little things for her other kids. (One of the best ways to a Mommy's heart is through love'n on her kids. :-) Also this bring some of the focus back to the blessings at hand and pulls her focus from the ongoing pain, for a time.
I admire how much love and attention you are putting into this; she is very blessed to have you as a friend.

Maybe a journal and nice pen for her to write her thoughts.

I just want to say that you are an amazing friend! What a thoughtful idea. I have a very close friend who delivered a still-birth son at 24 weeks. It was her first child and she was devistated. I was at a total loss. A care package would have been a great idea. From my experiance, just knowing that your friends are there is more important at times than talking. At least it was with my friend. I felt like there was nothing I could do and that I wasnt doing enough, I was surprised when she came around and thanked me for everything (what did I do??)...Anyway, just rest assure that you are there for her and she knows it...
As for a care package-I think I would put a bunch of her favorite things in there. Stay away from the Grieving books (i would anyway). She will come around to all that when she is ready. Surround her with her favorite colors, smells, flavors, books...include a personal message to her about how much she means to you and remind her that you are sitting in the wings waiting when she needs you, but dont make her feel guilty for staying away for a while also. Prayers are with you and your friend.

We lost our first baby at 10 weeks pregnant. It was devastating to me, complicated by my developing blood clots in my legs that had me home bound for weeks. The best thing that anyone did for me during this time was to call and just let me cry. The worst thing was for people to tell me we could try again.
Offering to bring them a meal would probably be appreciated. I certainly did not want to get up and cook. Flowers are nice and care package would be very thoughtful. You could include items for pampering like body wash or sachets.
I did receive one special book that helped. Safe in the Arms of God: Truth from Heaven About the Death of a Child by John MacArthur. Quite a comforting read for any parent who has lost a child.

Prepped meals are a wonderful gesture. When I lost my twin girls at 22weeks, my coworkers took the money they had gathered for a baby pool and got my husband and I gift certificates for a massage. Some people need to talk through their grief, but others need to work it out on their own. Just being a good friend will be a great help.