Okay, so brief preface...I'm not great at making friends with the whole AS side of me, but I think I am a good friend when I do make one. ;) In the past I've had plenty of all the wrong kinds of friends due to lifestyle, but since having my children starting around 9 years ago and sobering up, getting back to church, etc, I moved away from it all.
Now, I have made a lot of good friends at church, but one in particular, I really like to spend time with. She's happily married, has two boys in elementary, and one girl, almost 4, that she stays at home with. Husband works. Me, I stay home with two girls, ages 3 and 8 and homeschool. Our children get along great as well and love to play together.
So, I'm sorry if this seems dumb to some of you, but I really don't know unless I ask. How often is too often to ask a friend to hang out or go out? We sometimes have lunch at each others' houses, go shopping, go to the park, etc...but more often than not I have to call or stop over because her children burn up all her minutes on her phone. ;)
I mean...once a week? Twice? Once every other week? She's so nice and we really get along well, and I don't want to ruin it by asking too much and I don't know what too much is. What do you think?
** I should also add, if it makes any difference, that I am also an introvert by nature and currently, this is the only person I spend time with outside family because we've clicked and that's why I'm worried about putting too much on her. ;)
RIght now, some weeks we won't see each other at all except for church and some weeks maybe once...some twice, just depends on what there is to do. We live maybe a mile and a half apart, and so far she's been receptive to everything, but I think maybe even if she weren't she wouldn't let on because she's very kind. Sorry, mamas...for me, this always sucks. It's so nice to have someone to spend time with and talk to, and I sit here stressing about whether or not I should call her this week to do something.
AS is Aspergers. Basically, I'm a social dunce and I have to learn and practice most situations because I don't pick up on people's cues. Perhaps I should've been more explicit, because while most people COULD probably "feel out a situation"...I can't. It's all rote with me.
For me it was 2-3 times a week. Since I was taking the kids out anyway, it was nice to have another adult to talk to who was in the same boat.
Why not just tell your friend that you have AS, and that sometimes it's impossible for you to tell that you've crossed a line, so if she starts feeling crowded, she needs to let you know point blank, and that you won't get upset if she does.
We have to do that with a friend's son who has AS. He's very tactile, and wants to hug you constantly. Sometimes we just have to tell him, "Darling, I love you, but you're really getting up my nose. Please give me some space."
I see my local good friends about once every other month. Maybe less. That just works for us. I think any more than that and we'd get sick of each other! Plus, although I love my friends, I am far too busy to see them more often. If your schedule allows it and she seems receptive, go for it. But one suggestion I do have is don't always be the asker. Let her invite you. Don't call for a few weeks but be friendly and receptive. Make sure she is enjoying the frequent visits as much as you are.
As others have suggested, just let her know about your AS and that she needs to let you know if she's feeling "crowded." Something along the lines of, "hey, I really enjoy spending time with you, but PLEASE let me know if you're feeling "crowded" or if you're too busy or anything. I have AS and sometimes I"m not really good at seeing when people need some space."
If she is indeed nice and friendly, it shouldn't really be that awkward for her. I know that if one of my new friends said that to me, I'd totally be okay with that.
I think this is one of those things that you just have to feel out along the way. I think it also depends on how far away you live from each other so how much travel time there is .
With my friends, we have a standing weekly date (girls' night). Some weeks we will skip girls' night and go to lunch on a Sunday or one of our kids will have a weekend birthday party or some of our families will go camping together. It seems like it is very difficult for us to fit in more than one hang out per week, even though I really wish we could see each other more. We all have kids and outside jobs, our husbands all work a LOT (work out of town or work multiple jobs). We also all live 40 min away from each other. With that kind of drive time, it makes getting together more often difficult.
Anyway, I see no issue with you just asking her when you do see her, "hey, what kind of schedule do you have this coming week" or even just asking how often it works for her to get together. Don't feel bad about inviting her often if you feel like it. She can always say no but I do not think anyone would be upset about being invited! Also, do you both have internet access? If her phone minutes are all used up, you could just message each other through facebook.
It's not cut and dry. What I would do is ask her about once a week if she wants to catch up, and if she says now is not a good time, take no offense and try again later. As an introvert, I fully appreciate how difficult it can be to gear yourself up for asking.
I think twice a week is a lot, but I'm an introvert, so I need my alone time (or, as alone as one could be as a SAHM with 2 kids home every day). My neighbor and I get our kids together at least once a week (usually at a park). Some weeks I am up for more, but other times I just need to recharge.
I don't think there is a hard and fast rule so long as everyone knows how to say no. And well everyone gets that no only means no to that particular bit of criteria and is not an affront to the friendship.
I have had friends that time allowing we hang out every day. The problem came in when circumstances changed and I could not hang out every day. The one took it as I didn't care about the friendship when it was more of an issue of not wanting to be homeless. This was after my divorce.
In the end I kind of figure if she couldn't adapt or even care about my change of circumstances then we must not have been that great of friends to begin with. The rest of my friends rolled with it.
It really is an individual thing.
For example, I've become pretty good friends with a woman over the past few years. I like her and enjoy her company, and we've gotten into the habit of going for a weekly one hour walk around the lake. We are also in a book club that meets once a month.
For me, this is plenty.
Sometimes we get together for other things (she took me to lunch for my birthday last week, and sometimes we take our daughters out for ice cream after school) but really once a week or so is what I'm comfortable with.
At one point she started calling me to chat outside of our weekly dates and I made myself "busy." I think she got the point. I also made sure I told her (during one of our walks) that I'm not big on talking on the phone, as a matter of fact I HATE it, so she wouldn't take it personally.
Do your best to follow her cues. If she starts taking longer to get back to you or becomes distant you probably need to ease up a bit. Otherwise, enjoy!
I get together with my good friends about 2-3 times a week. In the summer, it can be as many as five days a week. So, until she starts turning down invitations, I'd say you're fine. A good guide would probably be twice a week. I also have issues with AS/social understanding. My good friends that I see frequently get that about me and just think of it as one of my quirks. Does she know this about you? It will help her feel more comfortable in knowing how to relate to your "quirks"
I don't know what "AS" is.
I don't think you need to worry. Feel it out.
Text messaging is a great way to stay in touch.
I have a local friend, we go to the gym together 3X a week and have other routine interactions with kids and barbecues etc but we're not up each other's butts either.
I would not want to hang out with someone every day for hours or something but a few times a week is cool. Make sure it's something beneficial to both of you.
1-2 times a week some weeks, then there might be busy weeks in between when you don't see each other. Sounds normal. Next time you ask her to do something, throw in something about "of course you might be busy, but do you want to...", just so she feels comfortable saying she needs to do her own thing that week. Anyway, sounds like you are doing just fine. :)
I don't think there really are any "rules" about this, it depends on the people involved. If I were you, I would just be honest with her next time you see her. Say something like, "I'm really glad we are becoming friends and I like hanging out with you". See what she says and just feel her out. If its too much, she would probably say something like, "yes, but I'm getting behind in my housework!" or something like that. It sounds like you guys see each other quite a bit already. Just be honest and ask her. Good luck.
the only way to truly know the answer to this question is by asking her-no one can answer that but her...
Once per week is good. Sometimes less, sometimes more...
Try once per week & see if she calls...
(Not sure what the "AS side" of you means though...)
