Re-marriage - Last Name Debate

Growing up... when my friend's parents remarried THEY hyphenated their names. So that they had both mom's last name and dad's last name. Mom & Dad each had a single last name, and the kids had hypenated last names.

I hyphenated when it was concerning the kids (school, etc.), but in the business world I used my new husband's name alone.

My advice is that you take your husband's name, no hyphen. It would be weird for you to retain you ex's name after re-marriage--kind of insulting to your husband. If your daughter's ask why they don't get a new name, I think you should tell them that their surname is a L. bit of their daddy's love which they carry with them until they get married (and take their husbands' names).

I am a child of this situation and I have to say it doesn't matter. I only had the same name as my mother for the first five years of my life. She remarried and took a new name. I kept mine. Infact she has been married three times and I always kept my name. I also noticed growing up that it wasn't that unusual because most of my friends didn't have the same name as their mother. It is not the best case but life happens and children get through it. Please stop the worry and enjoy your wedding and new husband. everything will be fine.
A side note: you never know how things will work out. I am now married to a man that happens to have the same last name as my stepfather and for the first time in twenty years my mother and I have the same last name.
Good luck to you, your new hubby and your children

My parents were divorced and my mom kept her married name (she never re-married). She always said it was for my sake that she did, but honestly, I could have cared less. I have never understood why parents say they are keeping their married last name for the kids. Really? How does it make any difference? Is there some sort of "benefit" kids get when they have the same last name as their mom? If so, I never saw it. I do, however, think it would be weird to get re-married and keep your ex's last name. What does that say to your kids (not to mention your new hubby) about how you value your new husband and marriage? I say ask your kids how they feel! I can almost guarantee they won't care one way or the other.

My daughter has done both and the easiest has been to take her husband's name and left her kids with their names. This has been fine as far as her kids are concerned too. They're 7 and 10.

With her first marriage she took her husband's name and informally hyphenated her daugher's name. She didn't go to court. She just gave the school, doctors, and anyone else her hypenated name. With her daughter's birth name first and her new name second. This worked but the hyphenated name was a pain. Seemed like most offices used the first part of the hyphenated name anyway.

I have a friend who hyphenated her name and she ended up dropping the hyphenated name in favor of her husband's because offices did the same. ie. dropped the second name so that she was still basically going by her maiden name. She dropped her maiden name.

My daughter remarried a couple of years ago and she simplified the name business. She took her husband's name and each of her children kept their birth names. Each has a different last name. This is working the best. Their names have not negatively affected their relationship with their step-father and has helped them feel connected to their birth fathers which is also important.

don't stress.
and please don't hyphenate. of all the trendy things to happen over the last few decades, that's one of the most annoying.
your daughters will not feel left out of the new family unless the new family is actively trying to make them feel that way. lots of modern families have different surnames. theirs is their dad's, and yours is shared with your husband. they're part of the process and plenty old enough to understand.
if you loved your maiden name and wanted it back that would have been another subject, but i think your mom has got you way over-thinking this.
relax and go enjoy your wedding!
:) khairete
S.

I would ask your daughters AND your soon to be hubby.

My BF said he would be VERY uncomfortable if his 'wife' had ANOTHER MANS last name - regardless of who the man was. I sorta see his point.

But I get the part about the kids.

Family doesn't have anything to do with a name, though. Family is about who takes care of who and who has whose back. Your kids will figure that out.

Good Luck & Congrats!

I would not hyphenate because the old name is not yours, it is your ex husbands and I think that would be disrespectful to your new husband. I would change my name, but before the wedding I would sit down with my children and talk to them about last names, how we get them, why woman take the names of the man they marry, and why your new name will be different than theirs. If the bio-dad is not in the picture you could ask the girls if they would like to hyphenate, but if bio dad is still in the picture I would not suggest it.

I simply dropped my ex's last name and took my new husband's. My son has a different last name and it was never an issue. He was active in sports so everyone knew his last name. Some of the kids still call me Mrs. "son's last name". They don't mean anything and I don't take offense.

It is not about your child having the same last name (which I originally kept for the same reason as you) but about the relationship you and your new husband have with them.

I don't think your mom is off the mark, I would keep the same name as my kids or hyphenate. Congrats on your upcoming wedding!

I was 7 when my mom remarried (3 months after getting a divorce, none the less) She took on my step-dads name and I had no problem with it. I always knew that when you get married you change your name. I don't know how I knew, but I did.
I think this is your mom just over thinking this. It shouldn't be an issues at all. But you can always ask what they think.

If the girl's father is in their lives, then I say leave their name alone, get married, take your man's last name. I would not hyphenate bc they have a biological dad who in this scenario loves them, they have an identity, I wouldn't mess with it. If dad is out of the picture, a creep, etc..etc, then I think hyphenating is a good option. But it is long!! We have some family drama as well, but with parents and their divorces etc, and we considered hyphenating our last name to be all inclusive, but you know what, it is too freakin' much trouble!!! I know that every time I do anything for my children, they ask for their last names, and then the still ask for my last name like at the dr, for insurance purposes, childcare situations etc. People are aware that names vary, I don't think that is a big problem these days. The only way I would consider hyphenating or changing the kids names would be if their dad was out of the picture. If he is a good dad, I would leave it all alone. Good luck to you!

Yes, you can can legally use whatever name you want in all places but driver's license, passport, or other official documents. So you could use their last name at school, and your husband's in other uses. This could be confusing, but I know several women (and men) who do this. I used to be an HR Manager so I saw people's official documents and then the names they used. Many of them were different - first, middle, or last names.

I took my previous last name as my middle name (no hyphen) and my husband's name as my last name. This allows me to write it either way (both names or one). I know women who keep several names this way, just keep stringing them along with subsequent marriages...

We didn't like the hyphen because it gets too long, and because it means my name would have been alphabetized in the F's and his in the W's since it goes by the first last name.

Look, it's your business, but I say take your new husband's name.
Your daughters aren't getting married, you are.
They will have THEIR "birth" names until they get married and change them or keep them. It will be up to them to decide when the time comes.
Why should you keep your ex husband's name for the sake of the kids?
You don't have to.
All you have to do is smile when someone calls you Ms. So and So at school or the doctor's office or whatever your kids' last name is.
When I got remarried, my daughter was 5. She went with me to change my social security number and driver's license, and she wanted her last name changed too.
Her father never would have gone for that in the legal sense, so, she went by my married last name anyway at school, etc. She did until she turned 18. It was the name in her senior yearbook and the name they announced at her graduation. But, once she turned 18, she began using her legal name for things, her driver's license, etc. By virtue of having a L. brother, etc, she still answers to the other name. No biggie to her. She answers to both.
You can CALL your kids whatever they want to be called without the legal mumbo jumbo, but remember that whatever name you choose for yourself will be on all legal documents, etc. Why would you not take your husband's name to keep another man's name for kids who will get married and may change theirs?
On birth certificates, the birth or maiden name of the mother is always listed. No matter how many different legal last names she's had.
My daughter's report cards even came in my married name. They just had the legal name on file. I wasn't trying to defraud anyone.
Worry about the legal name YOU choose for yourself and let the rest go.
You are not abandoning your children by getting married and having a new last name.
Just my opinion.

Best wishes and congratulations.
Try not to worry so much!

Have you considered hyphenating the girls' last names? What do the girls say about your name change? It's one thing to have your ex's name when you're single... another to be Mrs. X who is divorced from Mr. X and married to Mr. Y.

When I divorced my husband I restored my maiden name. I actually considered keeping my son's name, but ultimately the change helped him understand that I wasn't married to his dad anymore. I did not change HIS name, but HE uses both my last name and his dads when he introduces himself.

Lately his is obsessed with the idea of me getting remarried (I'm not engaged, he just REALLY wants me to be). He asked me about the name thing and I said I didn't know. He said "When you get married, you should have the last name of _______ and I can have THREE last names." Honestly, though, I'd probably leave my maiden name from here on out. I like it.

HTH
T.

I'm not in your situation but I kept my maiden name. The kids have my last name as a middle name and I use my husband's name socially in some situations like school.

My aunt and uncle have a similar situation to yours. My aunt was divorced and went back to her maiden name which she kept when she remarried. Her son from her first marriage has his father's last name (even though his father is rarely around). They have a child together who has her father's last name (which is funny since her first name is Indian and her last name is Polish).

Why don't you talk to your kids and husband to be? Is it important to them?

If you want to take on your new husband's name, then do so. Unless your new hubby is planning to formally adopt your children, they should keep their names as they are now. Seems like this is the least confusing option for all involved.

I recommend you take back your maiden and change your daughter's names to yours too. Any more children you may have would also have your name.

It is because of this issue - which MANY Moms have - that I not only kept my original name, but all my children will have MY original name too. I'm married for the first time, my daughter is from a previous relationship and now I'm pregnant with #2. Any child born of my body will carry my name. Men may come and go, but my children will always be mine.

Some may think I'm setting myself up for a divorce... but I've discussed this with my husband during the 3 years we were dating before getting married. He doesn't own me, so no reason to change my name. I will not have one child with one name, another child with another, Goddess forbid I get divorced and remarried and have ANOTHER child with another name!

All things will be consistent, Mommy will always have the same name as her children, and my wedding rings make it quite obvious I'm married. The boys will have my husband's name as their middle name, my daughters will not. When they come of age, they can choose if they want to change their name to their Father's or leave things as they are.

My parents accidentally gave me a hybrid name of both of them. I have half my Mom's maiden and my Father's last name as my full last name. That makes it very unique and no way would I change it simply because of a marriage certificate.

I never took a man's name. I know it was strange when I did that. At age 19 I said I would never take a man's name no matter how many times I got married. Never thought I'd marry more than once.
This before the rise of the Second Wave of Feminism.
I kept the name of my birth family my whole life. There is no legal reason to take your husband's last name. It is not required by the U.S. government or by state law.
Here is the rule. If you are established in your career and are known by your name keep it. If you are over 40 keep your name.
I hope your new marriage is a great loving friendship wherein you each support each other.

I kept my married name after my divorce. I got remarried last year and took new hubby's name. Both my daughter's have a different last name then me and things are fine.

Having a different name doesn't change the fact I'm their mom. They know who their dad's are.

Most school's, doctor's, etc are use to asking if a parent has the same last name as a child. It's extremely common.

Take hubby's last name with pride. Your mother is just a hot mess and ignore her.

BTW, whatever name you put on your social security card is your legal name. Don't hyphenate and then only use one name - that's illegal - although I know people do it all the time.

When you marry, you and the man become one. One in union, one in purpose, etc. so it is telling your husband something when you take on his name. From someone who has been in the situation of mailing out lots of correspondence between churches and schools, I have to tell you it is really annoying to have to go through and edit the names of Mr. John Smith and Mrs. Mary Jones-Smith. But there was one that was like Mr. and Mrs. John Jones-Smith. Hyphenated names sound to me like you were trying to pacify someone else. Unfortunately, there are many kids whose last names are not the same as their mom's. And chances are, your daughters' last names will change when they marry.

Just tell your daughters that this is what happens to your last name when you marry and they will do the same when they marry. If they ask about your last name being different, tell them about people they know who are in a similar situation. There will be lots of other opportunities to make sure they don't feel left out. I would especially solicit advice from those who have brought a new daughter into a family and ways they made that less difficult.

My mom was remarried when I was 14 and my sister was 9. She took her new husbands name and it was never any problem for us having different last names. I think it's all personal preference. If you want to take your fiances name then go for it.

One additional thing, I don't think your children will feel left out, I know we didn't. are your incorporating them in the wedding ceremony? As long as they are included and you make it clear that you are joining families I'm sure you won't have any issues.

Mom's over-thinking, in my opinion. I kept my name when my husband & I married. Our children use his last name (w/my surname as a middle name). To them, it's no big deal because family is more about eating dinner together, me telling them to clean their room, going to church together, laughing (and, yeah, sometimes yelling) together and normal stuff -- not names.

I've found it makes things easier for everyone that I'm clear about my name, but not pushy about it. When I call school or the mom of a friend or wherever on behalf of my daughters, I introduce myself by saying something like, "Hi. This is Jane Smith calling. I'm Harriet Jones' mom." That way, they hear up front that our names are different. Then, if they still refer to me as Mrs. Jones I don't correct it (or much care, for that matter). Again, make the difference known, but don't sweat it. My husband sometimes gets called Mr. Smith; I sometimes get called Mrs. Jones. We both joke about it -- and use either when it works (mine is much easier to use when placing a take-out order, for instance). Our kids see both names being used regularly -- with no one making an issue of it.

Family is about love and caring and a sense of unity, not names.

My very best wishes on your new marriage, especially as you blend a new family. Enjoy!

If you felt perfectly comfortable with things before your mom "stirred the pot", than I think the simplest answer here is to talk to your daughter's about it and ask them how they feel. They're both old enough to be a part of this decision and I think you'll all be happier because you did it together. No regrets!

In this day and age of blended families lots of kids and parents have different last names. I kept my maiden name so my last name is different than my son's. Growing up my friend's mom kept her married name after a divorce and then had a child with her boyfriend. The child had her bio dad's name and everyone else had another name. No biggie. Change your name to your new husband's since your current name is your ex's last name and if your daughters ask, just tell them. I had a friend growing up who changed her last name when her mom married a new guy (the mom wanted everyone to have the new last name) A few years later it was back to her original name. I doubt your daughters will care as long as you include them and love them.

Feel free to take your new husband's name. I had the same concern for my young daughter when I remarried. I have had zero problems with hospital or school by not having the same last name (trust me they are very used to this by now). As far as your girls feelings, that has nothing to do with your name and everything to do with yours and your husbands actions. Do be forewarned that people will still call you by your old name. I don't even correct them (and my daughter corrects her friends when they do it). Congrats and don't let mom rattle your feelings!

You are in luck. You can do it all.

First, let me say that having a different last name from your kids does lead them to embarrassment. Been there, done that. The teachers and people connected to your children will call you and refer to you as Mrs. ____, your kids' last name. When your husband answers the phone, they will address him as Mr. _____ (your kids' last name). Your children may wish to be adopted for partly this reason and aprtly, if their dad isn't an involved dad.

Sooooooooo, here is what I have found out. You can have oen name at work, another at home, and a hyphenated one to cover both. You can choose what you are called and where. It is legal but you can only do this when you marry. Otherwise, you'd have to do a formal name change.

Course, the newer rules for hoemland security is that your passport, driver's license have to have the exact same name.

I won't list all the good reasons I had, but one funny story. I reserved a hotel for us. I use my work name if that gave us a discount at the hotel because I worked for an airline. I would use my married name if my husband had a AAA or AARP discount. When he approached the desk to check it in, he said: Who are you today? The desk clerk didn't know how to react.

I think you should ask your daughters how they feel about it. If it were me, I would do whatever my daughters wanted. I think feelings are more important than names.

What do your children think? They are who you need to talk to, I would think you'll be called lots of names before it's all over, just sitting here reading that made me laugh so I am leaving it in...LOL. I mean there will be teachers that call you Mrs. (ex's last name) and others that will call your kids (XXX new husbands name).

I think if it means that much to your girls but new hubby doesn't like it then a "new" family meeting must happen and the options of hyphenating it may be an option then, with him introducing you as Mrs. (his name only) to his friends and family.

Tell me again, why is it so important that a woman takes a man's name? Why isn't HE the one asking the question? See any inequality there?

Hyphenate & congrats

I think you should go back to your maiden name. Or hyphenate your maiden name with your new husband's name. You should not keep your ex-husband's name once you are married to someone else. In fact, if I got divorced I would immediately change back to my maiden name (if, in fact, I had taken my husband's name, which I did not :)

You could hyphenate your children's names with your maiden name so they will have a connection to your new name.

Hyphenate the last name you share with your children with your new husband's last name. You are joining the lives of you, your children, and your new husband so that would be appropriate.
Plus, that way you can avoid those awkward moments when someone calls you "Mrs. Smith" you won't have to say "Its Mrs. Jones now." since your name will be Smith-Jones it won't matter.

My MIL and a few friends made their kids last name their middle name and then took the new hubby's last name. So MIL has a son with the last name B. She remarried and her new official name is First B. C. No hyphens.

they won't feel left out sweetie. my mom remarried. my brother & i had the same last names as each other and my mom & step-dad had the same last name. wasn't a big deal to me. i was four, even a L. younger, and i didn't care. my brother was 9. didn't care at those young ages, never cared growing up, and still don't care! :)
it's fine momma. take your new hubby's last name w/love and pride and be happy. that was hilarious what you said about your mom though and questioning if you put on clean panties! lmao at that part! :)
good luck and congrats and getting remarried and finding a good one to keep! :)

I own a business that is under my ex's last name and when I remarried last year, I hyphen my ex's last with my hubby's last. I checked with my bank and asked, if I get checks made out to either name, will you accept it and they said yes. That was a big concern for my business. I also feel like it truly "blends" our family. I have 2 kids and he has one. Dont stress out about it. Good luck!

How does your fiance feel about it?

I don't see why you can't have your new name to your new husband. the kids names will change when they get married someday. lol. It happens a lot doesn't it. How old are the kids ? Would they really care ? If they do care, then hyphenate it for school and not leagal....... who will know the diff.
People have nic names and change their names all the time on school records that already confusing...so why not hyphenate it for that only. No one there will ask you for documentation to prove it is on your marriage lisense.

When I got re-married, I took my new husbands last name only. The only reason I chose not to go back to my maiden name when I divorced husband #1 was because I had already bought a house and had bank accounts under that name. My daughter was 6 at the time and she wanted to take the new last name also but my ex threw such a huge fit about it and made her feel bad that she kept her original name but she will sometimes write on her school papers my new last name or hyphenate her name and mine. I didn't want to keep my ex's name or hyphenate because new hubby and I are planning to have more children and I don't want their names to be different also. I would suggest taking your new husbands last name and if your ex is out of the picture and if the girls want the new name, change theirs too, otherwise, leave their names the way they are now.
PS- my mom also re-married when I was very young and I was the only one in the house with a different last name but it never was a problem for me, I always got grouped in with my siblings with things like Christmas etc and it was never a problem.

I never had the same last name as my mother, and it was fine.

When I divorced, I went with my maiden and ex last name for our son's sake.

When I remarried I changed everything to my husbands last name, expect my bank account. I write checks for him, I want his last name on the check for association.

My son would have liked to change his last name, but after going to school for so many years, everyone knows him with the ex last name. So he does not want to change it for that reason.

I was never married to my oldest son's father, so my son and I had my maiden name until I got married. When I got married, I added my maiden name to my middle name (so I have two middle names) and took my husband's last name as my last name, and the children we had together have that last name. When I sign anything for my oldest son (school, pediatrician etc.) I sign with my first, maiden and current last name so that they associate me with him by name. Our original plan was for my husband to adopt my son and we would have changed his name at that time, but that didn't happen and now he's 12 and my maiden name fits him quite well. He can change it if he wants, but I think he likes that link to my side of the family (who helped raise him when I was single). Also, he's the only grandchild to have that name and it doesn't look like my brothers will have kids so it's nice that the family name will be carried on. So in short, it doesn't seem to bother him that we have different last names. I'm sure that whatever you decide will work out just fine.

I had the same issue. When I got remarried, my two girls had their dad's last name. I took my husband's last name and whenever I had to sign anything for the kid's school I would hyphenate. As they got older, they didn't really care and I frankly was glad to not use my ex's last name anymore. But for legal purposes, I just used my husband's last name as my own.

Sorry if I repeat. Have you asked the children? Try asking them if they have an opinion on you having a different last name than them. Chances are they won't care but since you feel as though they may feel left out just ask them....the 8 year old especially should be able to give you her feelings.

I have two surnames (no hyphen) and I can pick or choose which one I want to use for things like college, medical records, etc. but on anything official (taxes, legal documents) I must use my full legal name.

As a divorced kid, I always hated I was the only one in the house w/ my last name. It really bothered me...I still wish my mom had kept my last name. It was always embarrassing to say, no my mom's name is *******. I hated that, it labeled me immediately.

My mom remarried three times after divorcing my dad. Not once did my sister and I feel "left out" or "not part of a family" because we didn't have her new last name. She was the one who had to get used to being called by her original married name by all our teachers and friends.

The only thing that can get challenging is if your place of employment has your current married name and your children's school calls look for "Mrs. previous-married-name" and they are told there's no one by that name who works there. This can create mass confusion and inconvenience. I worked with a woman who taught under her maiden name and her kids' daycare called looking for Mrs. her-married-name. We had a woman subbing for our regular secretary who didn't know my colleague and her names and told the daycare that "no one works here by that name." My colleague's husband was a college professor and he was pulled out of HIS lecture to pick up his very sick daughters because his name DID match. Oh, boy! Something to ponder...

Good luck!

Personally, I have done both. I originally kept the first husband's name for the same reasons but when I remarried, I hyphenated my last name. I have used it all kinds of ways and there has never been a problem. For business, it is B., For any other reason, it's Reed. I sing so a lot of people know me by Blackwell and that is the way they will name me on a program I may be participating on. When my husband was with me, I would make sure to introduce him so that others would start to get used to the new name and change how they would name me on a program. Sometimes I would use the first married name as a middle initial and use my new last name; ie J. B. Reed. (My middle name begins with an M.) There are many ways to work around it, when it's hyphenated but don't stress yourself about it. As long as your social security card has the hyphenated name on it, you can use it how you wish and the Social Security Administration will know it's the same person. I would also discuss it with my new husband so that he won't be offended. I'm sure he would understand your reasons for doing so. Hope this helps.