RE: Bitter Husband

LET HIM GO! He'll find out real fast that the grass is not always greener on the other side. And in this case, it would be the single life. He must be going through mid-life crises. Have him buy a Harley.

He sounds like a real JERK and nothing you say will help so why don't you do to him what he is doing to you and ignore him don't talk to him and maybe he will know what it feel's like. I hope it works.

K.

You're asking the wrong question. You can't control someone else's actions only your own. If you want a different reaction from him YOU have to do something different. So what I would suggest is to get control of your life; financially, spiritually..in everyway you can to set you and your kids up for success in the long run to be strong and healthy individuals. Also, you didn't give enough info. but it sounds like you do everything for this man, he's not going to give that up unless he's found something better (at least in his mind). I wouldn't check another women off the list. Remember, if your not leading the pack, your smelling another dog's behind-quit scrubbing the floors to validate your worth!!

I'm so sorry to read your request and I don't know if there is more to the story that I just couldn't find but based on what you wrote, I'll go from there.
The only last resort I can offer you is trying to get him to go to counseling (and if you can get him into counseling, there is hope) but unfortunately, it sounds as though he just wants out. It doesn't have to be another woman, maybe he just thinks he's being stifled and being selfish. He sounds unhappy and so do you. I've been with my husband now for going on 11 years but before that I was with my son's father. It came down to where he said he wanted out and he was still in the house and I did everything "right" or what I thought would be right, bowing to every demand, doing everything for him, gushing over him to make him stay, anything and everything to "make him happy". The truth is though, nothing I could have done would have changed his mind, nothing would have made him happy, nothing would have stopped him from leaving. It just made me look desperate. I'm not even sure I wanted him to stay because I loved him, I wanted him to stay because I didn't know what to do without him. I wanted to keep my family together. I know it hurts. It feels as though someone has died when you're left like that but if he hadn't left us the way he did, I wouldn't have found my husband. Stop gushing over him and doing everything you think he wants you to do. In retrospect, my ex didn't deserve me and I'm much better for it. I had to go through the grieving process too but what you need to do (and will help you occupy your mind) is get mad and make plans. Stop trying to be the "perfect wife" and just be yourself.
He's leaving you, fine but you talk to a lawyer now about making sure he takes care of his obligations to you and financial obligations to his children. Find out from a lawyer (and you don't have to tell your husband you've talked to one) what things you need to have in place to protect yourself and your children. He expects you to be lost without him but you won't be. You'll be okay, maybe even better for it. A lawyer can take a look at your finances and make sure he doesn't leave you hanging. Again, talk to one quietly. If your husband does suddenly realize that he still loves you and wants to try, you don't want that to come between you but make sure that if he goes, you'll be okay.
I'd call up your friends too. You're going to need a good support system. I had one friend that moved in with us (me and my son) to help with the rent and such but she also sat with me and watched "First Wives Club" about 5 times in a row. She helped me cry and she helped me laugh too. My friends were a huge help getting through it and you WILL GET THROUGH IT!
Plus, another possible outcome if you stop trying to be the woman you think he wants and just go about your life, he may start to wonder why you're not begging after him. It may actually keep him around a little longer but don't do anything for him. Do it for yourself.

My ex became bitter and wouldn't talk to me. He would find things to be angry over so that he could justify the behavior. He would quite literally not speak to me at all for weeks, even months at a time. One time it was because I went to women's retreat with our church. My punishment for that was that he didn't speak to me for 3 months. We have four kids together so needless to say it didn't go over very well with me. He started sleeping in another room and I finally started digging. I, like you, was sure he wasn't cheating because he "had no time." He was always at work or at home... well as it turns out, work was a hotbed (pardon the pun) of activity for him. He had been having affairs with two different women from his work, which also happened to be our oldest two children's elementary school.
I was fortunate in that I realized fairly early on that he was likely bipolar, and he was diagnosed as such about a year before we split. Because of that awareness on my part I never took personally his criticism and bitterness about everything I did not being good enough, and his position that I never did enough to begin with.
In the end I caught him because of his cell phone patterns. I noticed a very large increase in text messages. I also found that he got or made a call from/to the same number about the time he would leave our house every day.
It has been just over a year now since he left. I am feeling healthy and happy. I actually moved on fairly quickly because, although we were married 11 years, I was pretty detached from him as a way to protect myself. I recently met an amazing man who tells me over and over again how it doesn't make sense that someone could walk away from me. He even thinks my housekeeping is more than good enough...LOL!
My ex on the other hand moved out of my house and into a house with his girlfriend and her 5 kids. He began to openly regret that decision within about 6 months. He asks every few weeks about coming back home. I have told him that it will never happen. He is seeing the error of his ways but his error gave me the freedom to be loved.
Sorry that was so long, but really I want you to know that there is hope. If you can make your marriage work that's awesome, but if you can't you will survive... and quite possibly even thrive.

Hello S.! Sorry to hear about your situation. My ex-husband was the same way. I tried everything I could to make him happy about our life together but it was of no use. It was never enough. He treated me and our son like dirt. I chose to leave him and it was the best thing I've ever done. My son and I are so much happier now. If your husband is not willing to pull his own weight and he is not receptive to your efforts or counseling, then let him move out. It may just be the best thing for you and your children. There has to be a point where you put your energy into making yourself and your children happy and not your husband. He is an adult and it sounds like he is doing a lot of pouting.

Tell him you are sorry for the way he feels and there is nothing you can do to change or work on, counseling, nothing then i would tell him he needs to pack his bags and leave.
Now he is taking advantage of your kindness. Time to take a stand and get an attorney. A good one. I suggest you get to couseling and if you are depressed see your doctor.
People change and you just sometime don't see it till it's too late. There may be an underlining reason and if you figure it out all the more reason to have a really good attorney!
The kids will be fine! Tell them you love them and dad should do the same. REPEATEDLY AND OFTEN. My divorce will be final sometime this month and every bod is different but i has taken me six months to feel like my self again. Look forward to your new future. It can be scary and sad but it will not be that way for long. I promise. Surround yourself with postive people who will be honest with you. You are loved and your kids need you more than ever.
You must set aside your pain and work with your spouse to settle all issues of time he gets and be overly kind to him even if he doesn't deserve it. Let the little things go. Material items are not worth fighting over. Money yes but be reasonable. You both have to live. Make sure you get alimony if possible. Take alot of care of yourself. You really will be alright.

He sounds identical to the man I use to be married to..and you know what?
The minute he left my life started to become the happiest time of my life....Of course I was depressed for awhile...but no way in h--l would I ever want the life back.

And guess what....when my life was finally happy...he tried to get back with me, because he was so miserable.
But I didn't go back ....why would I want to...I was enjoying a wonderful life and so were my kids...

God Bless You,
A. J

get a good lawyer. he needs to see a dr. why do you want him around? talk to a counselor for you. take care of yourself. best , M.

I think the "gratitude letter" has to do with you learning and having an open heart,not his reaction.
If he moves out,your children can learn that their mom doesn't have to be treated with disrespect and bitterness. And, hopefully, find adult relationships wherein they can be treated with respect and appreciation.Never speak ill of their dad, just be open and move on with your life as a mom and a happy person.
You cannot "reach" him. He has to find his happiness within himself.
Be strong. Your children will learn more from how you live your life at this point than you could ever tell them in words.

You really didn't give us enough info about what your whole marriage was like before he became so bitter. However, from just reading what you have shared with us, unless he is willing to go for counseling, I'm afraid there isn't much else you can do. I was married for 22 years before I finally realized that, even though we had two beautiful children, my husband would never change. (We did try counseling). From what you said, I know you still love him, but what you have described is not a good marriage or family life.It is not only hurting you. It is hurting your childen. I don't go to church, but I truely believe that God will help us IF we help ourselves. You need to take a good look at what your relationship is and decide if this is what you really want for the rest of your life. Make a list of positives and a list of negatives concerning your husband. If you can live with that list, then keep on trying. Personally, although it hurt to make the change, in the long run, I can truely look back now and say I'm glad I decided to move on - without him. It's tough, I know. But women are so resilient. Hey look at what you have been putting up with and still are trying to mend. I wish you all the happiness you and your children deserve. If you wish to speak further with me, you can e-mail me at "____@____.com". Mom of 30 year old male LAPD police officer and 35 year old beautiful daughter, and R.N. of 40 years.

Why are you writing him a gratitude letter when he just sits on the couch, not appreciating you? Let him go. Once he's out of the house and by himself, he'll realize what he is missing. If not, then the only difference is that he will no longer be taking up space on the couch. Right now, it sounds like he is nothing more than a paycheck. I'm sorry to put it that way, but I went through the same thing. We divorced. If you really want to try again, sit him down and ask him what he wants from you exactly. If it's reasonable, then do it, but make sure you also tell him what you want from him. At the very least, he should be doing things with the kids.

Hi S.,

I'm so sorry to hear about your husbands attitude. I've my share. It usually comes down to a bunch of reasons.

1. pressure/responsibilities due to being the one that has to go to work.
2. Lack of sex
3. Midlife crisis
4. someone else in the picture. usually a co-worker
4. Self pitty
5. boredom/unhappy with where they are in life at the moment.

He is giving off lots of Red Flags but not telling you the truth about what it really is. And until he does there is nothing you or anyone else can do to help him get over it.

I pray that you are given the strength to deal with what ever the reason or reasons are that are tearing your family apart.

Shine On S.!
P.

Hi Sylvie,

I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this right now, especially when you (both) have 3 kids at very vulnerable ages. Has he considered how his behavior is affecting his children? Does he care? Could you convince him to go to counselling with you? I agree with others that he sounds like he could be depressed. Depression often manifests itself as anger. Medication and therapy could help, IF he will agree to see someone. Unfortunately, it is difficult to get a depressed adult to agree to this if they are unwilling to recognize the symptoms in themselves.

Ultimately, you might have to ask yourself the Ann Landers question: "Are you better off with him, or without him?" There are at least two ways you will have to consider to answer this question -- emotionally and financially, for you AND your children.

Good luck sweetie -- we're all rooting for you!

R.

Good Riddance! See a good attorney!

He...is having...an affair. I'd put money on it. If he isnt, LET HIM LEAVE. He is terrible to you and your spirit. It's HIS problem. Dont you let him ruin your self-esteem or confidence for ONE second.

Wendy

Couples counseling is the only thing you can do at this point. Some men are reluctant--if he won't do it then just get into counseling yourself--you are going to need someone who will listen to you and give you advice.

C.

Do you go to church? Have you gone as a family?? I would suggest praying. God can move mountains & so a marriage just as easily. I am not saying that marriage is easy by any means. I can say that YOU cannot do anything to change him - only to change YOU. I would suggest talking with him & mentioning how much you still love him & want to make things work not just for the whole family, but also for the two of you. Pour out your heart to him - whether he is ready to hear it or not, is up to him. There are no tricks to be played, just honesty. Pray that you find the right words to share with him, pray that God will soften his bitter heart. Then talk. Good luck & God Bless!

Dear S.... I understand you. I'm going through something similar... My husband lost custody of his son (previous relationship) and like your husband, he now wants to get a divorced, ( we have been together for 8 yrs, and married for 4), but yet he still sleeps on my bed, he's taken his wedding band off, and "threatens" me on getting the divorce papers, although he did get them the first time, & later on tore them up. Perhaps there is something more going on with your husband, and all I can suggest is to hang in there, since you're doing all the right things, not for a moment should you feel guilty of anything, keep going with your live & take some time for yourself.....ignore him for a while & give him his own space, he will soon realize....Also since he wants to be left alone, make sure you don't do his laundry......You do not say how long you two have been married, maybe he's just going through a mid-life crisis.... HANG IN THERE....I support you!

S.:
I'm sorry that your having to go through this.Not to take away,from the kind and obviously heart-felt suggestions from some of the women here on the site,but,from the discription of your husbands present state of mind,I'd say you'd better be a darn fast reader,or consider using it to throw at him on his way out!It sounds to me,as though He has already made up his mind to leave.He is ungrateful, refuses to acknowledge anything you do for him, he doesn't want to sleep with you, and even when you attempt to write your feelings down on paper for him to read,he's telling you its to late. You don't believe him to be seeing another woman,but sadly all his actions point to exactly that.Why do you want to be with a man who obviously no longer wants to be there? He is so self absorbed,that he doesn't even want to have anything to do with his own children.He thinks things will be greener on the other side. Let him go.Don't beg or plead,regain some self respect. He will find out soon enough,what hes lost. Ask yourself this.....What woman do you know,who would put up with him and the way he treats you? Then ask yourself,do I deserve better? I'm sorry if this comes across as unsympathetic,its not intended to. I simply believe in honesty,and straight forwardness.I'm not going to suggest (self help books),that your husband should have read years ago. Stay strong,and true to yourself.I wish you the best S..J.

Hi S.

It can be a little awkward to comment on someone else's marriage, but since you've asked for comments...

Your husband sounds like he has some issues to deal with, and he obviously feels like he can't work them out at the moment, or perhaps he doesn't want to. You can't help someone unless they are open to being helped....

If you are being so seriously unappreciated (you sound very down and unhappy), then perhaps the best thing is to stand back and let him leave. Believe me, once he's out on his own somewhere (perhaps back with his mother?!) and he has limited access to his children (because he'll have to fit in with YOUR plans initially), and there is nobody to cook and clean for him, it may make him realise just how good he has it at home. This may then lead to him opening up and talking to you about what's really going on.

I think in situations like this, you have to let loved ones make their own decisions/mistakes and just be there to pick up the pieces afterwards (if that's what you want to do)

Good luck
C. x

S.,
Sounds like your husband might be depressed. How long has this been going on? Is he still active? Meaning, does he still see friends, does he go to the gym, stuff like that.
Maybe he has to deal with stuff at work that really stresses him out or he might be in a full blown midlife crisis?

I know how he's feeling having been depressed a little while ago. The only thing I wanted to do is: LEAVING! and I'm a mommy of four little ones and a housewife and supposed to hold the family together. Luckily I got out of it.

Keep on talking to him. Maybe you can convince him to seek medical help? Does he have a friend he can talk to?

If he's not depressed, ask him whether he's willing to work on your relationship. Marriage counseling might be an option.

Good luck to you.

Hi S.,

Family therapy. If he's not willing, ask yourself why you feel you want him anyway. Sometimes, you're better off without, even if there are kids. Maybe you should see a therapist to understand why you think you don't deserve better.

V.

I suggest you let him go. As you know it is tough being a single mom but it sounds like you are that already. Collect support owed and start a new life. Be good to yourself, you will have more to give to your children and they will learn to respect you for honoring yourself.
All best wishes

I'll pray for you both

Let him go. I am not telling you to divorce him. I am just saying let him find himself. Don't become bitter, mad, or think tt is your fault. Just keep him in prayer and keep loving him... I was once told just becaue someone stops loving you doesn't mean you have to stop loving them. Begging him will only make you and he feel worse. Don't talk about him to your children or your friends...just keep yourself busy...find a good church home or a good friend that won't take sides. And stop talking about all you do around the house and stop looking for thanks...that is your job as a wife and mother...if you don't like doing it then stop. Make a chore list for the children so they can help you.

S.,
Suggest counseling that you and he could go to together. If he does not want that, then go yourself to sort things out. It sounds like you are really trying and he has given up. Maybe you just really need a heart to heart talk with him and find out the true details. It sounds like he is interested in someone or something else to give up you and your three kids! You deserve better!
L. K.

I feel for you been there. Counceling if possible, at least that way you get a different persons perspective that is not going to be bias. I wish my ex would have gone. What ever happened did not happen over night. There could be some resentments from years ago that he can not let go of. My ex had issues (and still does)from many yrs ago. He was always home never went out without me. But there was another woman. Nothing happened with her until he asked for a divorce. Sometimes men think we are there to only make them happy. I feel that if they are not happy with themselves how can they be happy with anyone else? They may feel that someone can make them happy, with out figureing out how you got to this place in your life you will always have questions. I had a few sessions of therapy and did realize it wasn't me he was doing it to himself. We all suffer especially the kids. It's hard for us to understand, if we don't understand it how do we explain it to the kids when they ask? All you can do is support your kids. If you don't work or need to get educated do it! I thought my life was perfect being married for 29 yrs then in an instant it crumbled. Now at 51 I am back in college so that I can join the work force again. Prayer helps if you are spiritual. It's helped me a great heal. There are different Divorce Ministy groups, they are not just for people that are divorcing, people who go are having problems in their marriages, separated and divorced. It helps to get other peoples view points and you will realize that there are others that are going through a lot of the same issues. Hang tough It will only get worse before it can get better. If you want to talk let me know.
An excellent book is "Why Good People Do Bad Things" Debbie Ford
The best of luck
C.

S.,

My heart goes out to you. I do not know your whole story - and I'm sure there must be more - but i will say that many times people who have trouble connecting emotionally with others, people who have been rejected over and over in the past, typically by parents, have a very difficult time connecting with their spouse and children. The only advise i have really is to be compassionate towards him. This does not mean let him be unkind and keep apologizing but understand that people who hurt people, are hurt people.....

I know that this is very painful for you and believe me, many people in this situation want to be different as much as you want them to be, but the pull in the other direction - that compulsive, conditioned way of being - is a particularly powerful and sinister force.

And because this is your life there is a lesson for you here as well. I do not presume to know what it is but i do know that our time on this plant is like advanced education. If we come upon a lesson and we don't learn it the first time, it will repeat itself until we do. Fortunately there is no social promotion in the school of life. Every situation is a grand opportunity to learn to a valuable lesson about ourselves.

Best to you,

J.

check out www.stopyourdivorce.com and prepare to be very patient. My sister found this website when her husband of 14 years walked out on her 4 years ago and it has been a lot of comfort to her.

There is also a great book "Getting Through to the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women" by Michele Weiner-Davis. It is great, really opened my eyes to how I contribute to my marriage issues.

God bless you

A.

I do not think you are the problem. You need to get out of that.

I would suggest a book called "Love and Respect". If you live near me I will rush my copy over to you so you can start it while he is still there. No promises but it focuses on what men and women need most.

I will pray for your marraige, and your husband and you. Do not take responsibility for this. Do not blame yourself and do not hesitate to talk to your children. You may be doing something wrong but it is apparent that you are trying.

I agree with reading Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. But let me tell you, as a "modern career woman," it was a very hard read for me. I am single now, but trying to learn from my divorce and plan for the future. If you wade past all the women-bashing and what might appear to be required subservience, there is some good, simple advice that you can implement immediately. Like pay attention to him, cook him a good meal. These are the things I used to do when I was first married--gave him the best meal, the larger piece of chicken, etc.

After a while, we stop noticing each other and stop caring, and that comes out in our actions.

Ultimately you cannot change him, only yourself, your actions, or how you think of him--and hope that he changes too. I'll be thinking of you.

db

Please get a life with your kids. He has already made up his mind he is going to leave so let him. He will find after a few months things may not be as green as they seem. Plus the expence of tow houses! Gratitude letter. PLease, he should be grateful you are still there! You need some self asteam work shops. What a great lady you are and I bet you are a great mother! Look what your children are observing! Sit down and talk with your kids. He is probably going through mid life crisis. What kind of picture does he want to paint for his kids? Selfish,he does not care about his children only his feelings. Get rid of him! Patty

I'm so sorry that you and your family are facing this dilemma. Good for you for reaching out for help. There is hope for reconciliation even in the darkest times. A tool that has been essential in my marriage is the book, "Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie O'Martian. While we have all heard that prayer changes everything, this book reveals heart issues and invites healing into our hearts for our husbands and the wounds we have suffered while opening the door to address issues we all face in marriage. It is a very easy read, each chapter covering a different issue with a prayer at the end of each chapter. It is a Christian resource, non-judgmental while encouraging the reader to take responsibility. It is a good tool regardless of where you are spiritually. Without a doubt, my husband and I would have a different relationship today if I didn't apply the truth and ask God to guide our marriage. Another tool that has been indispensable is "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. We all show love and receive love in different ways. If love isn't shown for us in a way we perceive, we don't feel love. For example, my husband tells me he loves me all the time. To him, that is revealing love. However, I don't FEEL loved or appreciated without acts of service. In other words, he call tell me he loves me a 100 times a day, but if he doesn't take care of his responsibilities and he spends all of his time watching TV, I don't feel loved. If he makes the bed or takes the garbage out it rocks my world. What we give can be very different from what our husbands need. The book breaks down the 5 main ways that we give and receive love and shows how miscommunication occurs in relationship when we don't give love in the way the other person needs to receive it. This information has transformed many of my relationships. Dr. Chapman's website is www.fivelovelanguages.com. I wish you, your husband, and your children the best.
Blessings,
L.

Hi S., i would say if he is acting bitter about the things you mentioned, chances are, there is something more going on, and he may be usuing these things to start arguments, so he can have a reason to leave. our kids at an age that id dad walks out, they will be devestated. While he is in the house, do what you can to be plesant, even if he isnt, if he is willing to talk to you, try and find out why he is un happy, and what can the two of you do to make things better, i know you said he doesn't really do much with the kids, are they boys girls what, and how long have you been married. S. all marriages go through a rough time, mine did, when my huband retited from the navy, together we almost ruined everything, and almost destroyed the family, thank God neither one of us believed in divorce, and out kids were the world to us, so we got help, and tomorrow is our 27th annivarsary. Sounds like you still love your husband.
ake yourself attractive, try and be intentive to him, hey if he is sleeping on the couch, try and join him, see what happens, and when you have done all you can do, if he still leaves, at least you know you tried. Do you guys belong to a church? cause that's where we got our help, and I am so thankful that we did Let me know what happens, what ever you do, not engage in arguments, J.

Hi, S.. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. May I suggest you buy the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", by Dr. Laura. This is a revolutionary book and quick read. It is not about Tarzan/Jane - he-man stuff or about women being subserviant, but about how we women control our marriages and situations by our attitudes and actions. Based on the fact that you want to make things work,I don't think your husband sounds like a jerk. If he's not, this should work. I hope you give this a try. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose (except a few hours of reading). Best of luck.

Hi S. - surround yourself right now with people who love and care about you and the survival of your family. YOU must do whatever it takes to keep your family together. Don't let him move out easily, that is a step in the wrong direction - seperations cause further seperations in couples - it never brings closeness.

Ask him to be honest with you about why he wants to leave, and pray for both of you to have forgiving hearts. There may be more to this than you can even imagine, he may have done something he can't forgive himself for, cheated, etc. For your children's sake, you must try to help him get through this time. Tell him you are here for him, that you are his partner and his best friend, even if he has lost sight of that, and together you can overcome anything.

If he does leave despite your best attempts, then arm yourself with what you need. Get your finances in order, rally your troop of friends to be a support system for you, and start thinking about counceling for yourself and the kids - you will all need some help to get through the loss of your family "unit."

I hope you guys can work through this - hang in there and I will pray for your family.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I strongly suggest calling Dr. Laura's radio show Monday morning and ask her advice. You might want to get her book, Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands/ Marriage and read this weekend. Also ask him to please share exactly what is going on with him, why it's too late, and to please stay for the children and to possibly consider marital counseling.

Since he won't read your letter, just talk to him and tell him how much he means to you and the children. When he talks, try your best to just let him say whatever he wants without becomming defensive. Hear him out and be supportive.

My thoughts and prayers that your marriage will survive whatever is going on.

that sound slike clinical depression to me. a lot of people in my family have that. hes got all the symptoms. if he doesnt want to take medications for it he at least should vent his frustration on some kind of hobby or talking to someon, preferably a psychologist, somewhere his thoughts and feelings can be confidential. i hope everything works out for you. just keep love i n your heart and everything will be okay. message me if you need some more support!

Your Husband is definately going through what
I think is a "control" issue.
After all these years, he is trying to get you
to change, and that is NOT what a relationship
is all about.
If he wants to leave, then let him go.
Some men reach a certain age, and don't
think they are "good enough" so they
take it out on the one they love.
As much as it hurts, there MAY be someone else
Hope I have helped a little. J.

Here are some good resources:

How to Hug A Porcupine by Dr. John Lewis Lund. It is worth its weight in gold.

Another winner is I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundgrens. This is based on a million dollar research project and is tailored to deliver the very best kind of family communication skills there are.

The Peacegiver by James Ferrell.

This may seem like a very inconvinient time to do some reading, but these will make a difference! =) Especially if you want to sustain your marriage and help your husband through to a deeper, healthier, more satisfying place together.

Try the book Love And Respect by Dr Emmerson Eggerichs. He is a christian author and it is based of the instruction we are given in the bible Eph 5:33 "However, each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband." it is great and has helped my relationship with my husband so much! I'm not sure if your a christian from your post but even if your not, please, please, please don't let that keep you from looking into it. In his book he still addresses the non-christian in a non judgemental way, his passion is to save marriages, not preach. It will really help you. If you need help or have any other questions about the book private message me and I'll give you my number, I live in Clairemont so I'm not far from you. Good luck and I'll pray for you and your family.
Leah

I would lay it all out- say that expecting gratitude when none is shown on his part is ridiculous. Tell him everything you are feeling without being purposely hurtful (obviously some of the things you will say will hurt, but don't go out of your way to do it). And then I would ask him to do the same. Basically you both just need to be honest. If he still leaves, yes it sucks, but you're probably better off if he doesn't want to change.

S.,

I answered to a similar question about hubby's and talking to them. This was a long story so see if you can look it up in other things J. P has wrote. If you can't find it please email me back, I really want to help you. I had the same issues as you. I just wanted my hubby to fall of the earth and leave me alone. Now I can't wait to see him when I get home or he gets home. I probable tell him I love him to much now. Please let me know what you find or don't find. And know this (you are not alone, and you have many many many friends out here that want to help you and make this better) your loved by all of us mothers to mothers.
J.

Read Dr. Laura's book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." You will quickly find a few things you can do that she believes (and I do, too) will turn his attitude around. good luck! you can save your marriage! you can!

he obviously does not think you are giving him what he needs and it does not sound like he is giving you what you need. Get your self up...get confident—Start dressing sexy, start showing that you can be you without him...the hardest part is letting him go but do not write him off. Do your thing have fun..Look like a million especially when he comes to pick up the kids. and after a while ask him on a date. start dating him and if it is meant to be...he will be back!

Sounds like he's depressed, or something very like it. He should probably check with his doctor. Many people don't want to see a psychiatrist, but a general practitioner can prescribe anti-depressants and such, also. I hope you or someone else can get him to a doctor soon. He really sounds like he needs immediate help. Please don't blame yourself for how he feels! Take care. - J. (widowed mom of 1, age 6)

Pray, Pray & Pray some more! God helps us if we ask for his help. Try to meet with your husband on neutral turf; when kids aren't around and in a non-defensive/combative mood. Find out when he started to feel the way he feels, and LISTEN to him. We all tend to defend our actions and blame the other; give him a chance to talk. Pray for the right words, the right timing, and the courage to listen, and then pray some more! Good Luck

S., I feel you. Yet you are much deeper than I. All you can do is set your intentions for each and every day...Nurture yourself, love yourself, Know thy self. I have come out of this bitterness with my husband, and you know what it was, He hated his job. we lost our house when he quit but it has been the best thing he could do for himself and no matter what know this....Love is all that matters. be there for him, and the only way you will be able to be there for him is to first be there for yourself. Know when the conversation is healthy, speak less, it's all energy. learn how to move his energy. Let him know that if moving out will make him feel better that you support that. wellness is what you are all searching for. www.selfawareness.com
My arms are wrapped around you, know that I Love you. We as women have so much to overcome, patterns, all we want is respect and acknowlegement and love, He does not respect you, he does not respect himself, give him space as he asks, listen without reaction, give response with compassion. Have compassion. This will heal. You have the power to heal. You are the mother, you have created humanity through your womb. know this. know this and alow the space to heal your family. quiet your soul, find your peace. and go from there.

So much love and support,

Your fellow maiden, J.

silvia,

my husband was very cold to me on our early marriage. always making me feel ugly and at gatherings he leave me alone while he makes his rounds with the guys and ladies as well. but i kept hovering over him, until i said enough. i told him i was going to talk to my minister and that he should go live with his guy friends and that he could visit our 2 young girls any time and i walked out the door.

when i returned later that night, we didn't talk but he did a 180 and settled down. we been married for 29 years. we have our ups and downs but who doesn't. i hope the situation with your husband works out. is he losing weight and not eating, is there something traumatic that occured? i agree with the many friends here and seek counseling especially a phycologist(sp), i did.

I'm no psychologist but it sounds like mid-life crisis, depression, or long-standing issues that have needed to be aired for a long time that have just gone beyond the point of no return. Have you had family counseling? Has he gone for counseling? Are the kids acting out or showing signs of recent stress? Perhaps the best thing to do at this point is to get counseling for the children and yourself and let the healing begin. Hopefully, once the family balance begins to be restored, your husband will find a healthy place in the family dynamics. In the mean time, at least the children may be able to make some sense of the situation and not blame themselves or find themselves forced to "take sides" in an unpleasant and bitter separation/divorce. Good luck!

Hi S.,
I can totally relate to you from previous relationship. It sucks when try your best to make him happy by doing everything yet he is very unappreciative of it. There was one point in my life where I felt soo low because of how badly he treated me and I didn't have anybody to turn to.

You have done the right thing by asking questions on what needs to be done at this point. Wanting to work it out specially with three kids is totally the right thing to do. My suggestion to you is to pray to GOD to give you guidance, directions and strength so that you may be able to deal with whatever decision both you and your husband makes.

You deserve better and your husband needs to see that. I do believe that things happen for a reason and that God have purpose (better ones) for each one us because he loves us.

Take care,
Lyn

Hello, S.,

If you are in the Pasadena area, check out Foothill Family Services and a counselor there by the name of Dr. Merideth Taylor. They work on a sliding scale there, if that is necessary.

Dr. Taylor is excellent and is working with the methods of Dr. John Gottman, noted for The Gottman Method.

If your husband grumbles, "It's too late for that", you may let him know that you will be interacting with him for a long time because of your children together and that this could help you better relate to each other for their sake.

I had no idea how so much of how my husband was relating to me had more to do with his childhood than even he could realize. This work has been very useful for us. We have learned a lot. Dr. Taylor is excellent.

My very best to you,

T.

Ask a man what to do. I just did, and here is the answer I got for things to make your man want you again:

1)Get into really good shape.
2)Offer to get into kinky sex.
3)Convince a hot girlfriend of yours to join you for a threesome.

Here are my ideas about what you can do:

1)Wear new clothes. Raid your girlfriend’s closet or buy at a second hand store, but wear things he hasn’t seen.
2)Exercise.
3)Give him space. Don’t be home. Be out on a walk with the kids when he gets home, or take them out to dinner and a movie so he can have an evening off.
4)Pack the fridge with wholesome snacks: apples, cherries, grapes, plums, olives, avocado, cheeses, salsa… and healthy beverages too.
5)Rearrange the bedroom furniture. That man should not stare at the same spot on the ceiling if ever he joins you in your bed again. If you can afford to… buy new bed linens.
6)Massage him… if he lets you touch him. Non-sexual, healing massage. Rub his shoulders, head, feet. Touch, touch, touch… as much as possible, even if it is just a kind hand on his arm as he passes by…
7)Insist upon closure sex if he does decide to leave. Tell him it will help with your healing process to have one last good night together.
8)Write him a “gratitude” note every day – but not long, and not mushy. Make it a memory, something small. Things that you love and appreciate about him. “I love the way your neck smells.” “I love that you feel comfortable enough to fart around me.” “I love that our children look like you.” “I love your strength, and how much safer the house feels when you are home.”
9)Help him reconnect with his dreams. Did he always want to take a maul flying course, or learn to sail, or surf, or run for City Council, or whatever… Hunt down the information for him & and encourage him towards some healthy extracurricular activities.
10)Sneak out of the house at night & leave an “I love you” post-it in his car.
11)Fill the house with flowers… not just the usual places… there’s nothing like seeing daisy in the shower to cheer your mind.
12)Bake cookies.
13)Blow jobs... but get imaginative in your mind as you administer them… pretend you’re different people & let him feel your fantasies and enthusiasm.
14)Clean out closets & Feng Shui the house.
15)Get recipes from the internet and prepare new meals.
16)Get your kids to help you clean and organize and reinvigorate the house.
17)Buy magazines and books on subjects that interest him to have in the living room, bedroom, bathroom.
18)Plan a vacation together with or without the kids.
19)Take walks together at night to discuss things.
20)Get a part-time job to ease his financial burdens. Help him pay the bills.
21)Get Netflix & order comedies – bring some levity into your home.
22)Have music playing when he gets home. Old classics, tunes that have memory.
23)Pray and ask for God to heal your husband. Envision healing light completely surrounding your home & entering each of you.
24)Buy houseplants – have live oxygen in your home.
25)Open the windows and let in fresh air.
26)Boil pots of water with spices on the stove – cloves, cinnamon, nutmeg…
27)Play “Nobody” by S. and fight for your man. http://www.apple.com/search/ipoditunes/?q=Nobody+S.

Hello there,
I'm a single mom of 3 kids. I think he's not telling you something or you're not paying attention to the red flags. If he wants to go, let him go but as my husband always said: The grass in NOT greener and it's cheaper to keep her! HAHA! We were friends in the end but he was shot and killed in 2006 due to a car break in.
I wish you the best of luck, Hang in there it only gets better! You can't mae someone stay who is not IN IT! Sounds like your doing all the work yourself anyway. He needs to make himself happy before he can make anyone else happy. Maybe he's depressed or something more serious is going on.
GOOD LUCK!

Yup....Dr. Laura and her book....'Proper care and feeding of husbands'.

If after reading it you can honestly unequivocally say you've done all that you can do....and you didn't miss anything...and you've tried to right any 'wrongs' you may have made...and he still chooses to move?
Let him go. If you can stand before God knowing that your conscious is clear, let him go. He needs to see what he is missing and losing if HE makes this decision. You aren't even asking him to leave and it sounds like you don't even know what he's bitter about?
Then let him find his way, and figure things out for himself. There is never a lose of hope. I've heard stories where people have divorced and remarried.
But don't force him, don't guilt him, and if you already gave him the gratitude for all he 'does' do, showing your appreciation, then let him go and give him some time.
While he's gone - you PRAY! And continue to be honest and cordial with him, so that he can see YOU...and not receive bitterness back. Whether this is old or new behavior on his part, it is on him as an adult to CHOOSE to change and work it out. Whether with you or within himself.
But it's clear right now that he's the only one most important in his world. If he, as an adult, thought about his kids first or the commitment to marriage....he would be, along side with you, be looking for a solution to whatever it is that he is so bitter about.

Also get the book 'The Power of a Praying Wife' by Stormie Omartian...both in long form and daily prayer form. You'll be touching on all areas of your husbands life, areas that you may not even KNOW he's hurting about.

Meanwhile, you take care of YOU and the kids, move about your day as usual and be strong for them. You're already the stronger one here. Let them see what strength is....so that they can feel secure even amongst the storm around them.

Godspeed and hang tight......

I'd like to recommend you read, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It was a real eye opener for me. I wish you the best of luck.

I highly recommend "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman. I know you probably want quick advice, but if you can take the time to read it, it may just help you save your marriage, and reading all of the explanations and examples really help you to understand the languages and how to "speak" them. It has been indispensible in our marriage and we give it to every new couple we know getting married. If you can't find a copy of it, I have an extra copy and I'll send it to you. I can remember he had examples in the book of women that he counselled in similar situations to yours. I have also heard very good things about "Love and Respect" - I recently got the book and have only just started reading.

If that were me, I would think he were hiding something. Like cheating maybe he cheated and feels guilty. Or mid-life crisis. I would sit and talk not yell but talk Husband to Wife, Wife to Husband. He is not happy with himself, and I know from personal experience, unless you have God in your life, not religion or a building or a group but God he is not ever going to be truely happy, neither will your family. Not everybody takes to God or Church because they think of Hypocrites in the Church. But I bet if he finds God for himself he will be the happiest man, and your family will follow. But that is just from my experience and from what I see around me. Just pray to God for the right answer according to His will, God's will is for us to prosper and be happy not for us to hurt and be confused.
C.

Let him go for now. He needs his space. Be strong and try not to let him see you at your weakest. You don't deserve to live with someone that is bitter and unhappy. Why would you want a relationship like that? Don't you deserve better? Yes, he is the father of your children but your children probably already feel the tension and unhappiness in your relationship. They come first, so let him go for now to restore some peace back in your home.