Rasing Two Children with No Support

When I was a stay at home I got up and got them dressed and out every morning. We went to the park, mall, indoor playgrounds, just whatever was out there.

Here is the thing, when you force yourself to get them out, two wonderful things happen. You are forced to discipline them for every little thing so no one looks at you funny so you end up with really behaved kids. The second is you are around other moms fleeing their homes that understand exactly what you are going through. Once you can control them you can add grooming to your morning routine and then you will understand why the other moms look like that.

It is a win win!

You ask how you raise kids on your own, you are not raising your kids on your own. If you were you would be working because that is how you pay your bills, ya know?

I don't think your husband is an emotional or verbal abuser, I believe he is probably exhausted. Years ago, the woman stayed at home, the man worked, they had no help from their husband. It will get easier when your children get a bit older, trust me.
You need to get out more, to the park, to playdates, to the mall, wherever - when you are not there your house Doesn't get so dirty!
Find a mops group, or somewhere you can leave the kids like mothers morning out. I was a stay at home mom for 5 years, and believe me it was harder than any job I had in my life, but now my kids are nearly 4 and 9, things are so much easier. But you need a break - don't expect your husband to change or help, if you expect nothing, then anything he does will be appreciated. That is what I do. My husband works 60 hours a week or more, and has an hour commute, so I don't expect him to do much with the kids when he gets home.

I second Julie's response. Being a SAHM doesn't seem to be working for you--and that's okay. Would you be interested in finding care for the kids so you can work either part-time or full-time? You would make friends (or at least have some adult conversation) and your girls would not be so reliant on you. Just think about it:) ((HUGS))

I understand that being at home is important but what kind of life are you truly offering your children? A single mom and a dad they never see. When he's home he's about brain dead with no life either.

This is what I would do. I would start on Monday looking for part time work so hubby can actually live, have a life with his family and be able to have a day off work during the week. How sad for him to never have a moment to himself that is not allotted to making enough money so you can stay home.

These kids need to see a mom and a dad who love them enough to compromise and even if that means mom needs to go to work so dad can enjoy being alive and spent 5 minutes with his kids then it is time to start looking for work.

Sounds like you are spending way too much time alone with the kids and your husband is spending way to much time working. Can he cut back his hours and you pick up at least some part time if you need the $$. It would likely do you good to get out of the house and deal with grown ups on a regular basis. It would likely do your husband good to have some non-exhausted time at home. Plus - he is really missing out on being a dad if he is really working 7 days a week. That is time he will never get back. Also - the two of you probably need to decide what you can let go - probably either let some of the housework go or get a cleaning person in every week or two.

Not knowing how to care for a baby is NO EXCUSE for not learning. Neither my husband or I had any experience with babies (since we were babies) and guess what - when we had one we learned. Your husband can too - there's nothing technically difficult about it. HE won't trust anyone else to care for the kids - well then - he can do it so you can get out. Sorry but that is just silly. I suspect his parents used a babysitter when he was a kid.

God.

You are sooooo describing my early years (heck, the majority of my years) as a mother.

I can't even tell you how many people are crawling out of the woodwork to help now that I'm doing the single mom thing... but it's SO MUCH EASIER than it was when my husband was "here".

It (from this side of the fence, not at the time) is hysterically funny. I DON'T HAVE ANYONE MAKING THINGS HARDER!!!! Life is sooooooooo much easier!!! Huge. Giant. Weights. Lifted. Off. My. Shoulders.

I've had glimpses of this in the past, when my husband was touring, or when I'd kicked him out for a time (until I felt I had the strength to 'deal with' him again)... but I can't even express how much easier it is without someone CONSTANTLY UNDERMINING me. I feel like I've lost 50lbs.

Myself... I couldn't afford to work when my son was little. Daycare cost more than I made. Which, may or may not seem like a nonsequitor, depending on your situation. If it isn't, you'll know what I mean. It's an added layer of being "trapped". And then to have someone who you're SUPPOSED TO TRUST, who is supposed to make life better by being in it (sure, everyone has a bad day, complete and total disregard, disrespect, and outright sabotage... the constant disappointment, as yet again you're let down, kicked in the teeth, made to feel awful is NOT a "bad day" OR normal)... just tears you down and makes life harder???

It's intolerable.

And it's 1000x harder than being completely on your own.

When you're on your own... you've got your bases covered. You get your support systems up and running (and no one comes along and messes them up). You KNOW what you have/need/and can count on.

How do people do it when married to a jerk who makes life harder by their presence? Not happily.

At least... Not in my experience.

I am sad to see so many moms telling you to go back to work. I want to be the one to write on my childs heart, especially in those formative years. Now, I'm not trying to say that there aren't very wonderful providers out there. I was blessed to have them when I had to work ~ especially when they are the grandparents. But there is no one like you for your children ~ even if you are sometimes like oscar the grouch! Jo W. has given you some wonderful advice. I'd like to add that getting up earlier than they do and taking time to pray and maybe have coffee or tea and just take that time for you in the quiet has helped me a great deal. Another thing I need is a short nap in the afternoon. 15-20 minutes even just resting changes my disposition. If I don't, I can turn into the "mommy monster". Also, a gratitude list is a great way to maybe begin to appreciate what your husband is doing. They love when we appreciate and admire them for their hard work. Try to always use the "W" words when asking him for help. "Will you carry the laundry up?" " I know you are exhausted, but would you consider taking the kids for maybe an hour so that I could _______.?" (Would you consider are great words) Just come right out and ask for what you need or want. Dropping hints or throwing tantrums just won't work. Many will just walk by that laundry basket a hundred times without picking it up. They honestly can't read minds. If he says no, just try as hard as you can to say ok and go about your business. I will pray for you. Raising children is the hardest job on earth ~ really. The family is what received God's first blessing after he created everything. May He richly bless yours with both his hands today and every day.
M.

I think what you're feeling is totally normal. I remember when my 2nd child was born. My oldest was 21 months old and he worked so hard to get my attention - especially when I was nursing the baby (even if he was getting a time out, he was happy because he was still getting my attention). It seemed to get a little easier for him (and me) with each of the baby's milestones (crawling, walking, talking, etc). When my oldest was 3-1/2 and "the baby" was 23 months old I had my 3rd child and it was the same thing all over again. It's absolutely not easy. I don't have any family nearby either and my husband is gone for work from 7-7:30 M-F so I do know how you feel.
Not that he's a bad husband or dad for working so much, but that's the way it has to be if I want to stay home. I remember my husband telling me that I wasn't fun anymore, which really hurt since I was working so hard with these little ones. I was so tired by the time he came home, and just wanted to sit in the quiet. And I think we both resented each other a little (I imagined him getting to go out for lunch and talk to other grown-ups, and he probably imagined I was getting to watch TV and sit on the couch and spend time with the kids all day - neither of us realizing how truly hard the other's job was). We got though it though. Like I said, every milestone of the baby's, made everyone's life a little easier on the family. When the baby starts to sleep (and you get to sleep) things will change dramatically.
I can think of a few things that helped me:
1. It helps me that my husband takes on the children's last 1/2 hour of the day. So he comes home, and reads their bedtime stories, brushes teeth and puts them to bed (while I make dinner for him and me). It's only 30 minutes, but it's a big big help.
2. I've made several friends at library and bookstore story times. You can bring both children and you'll meet other mothers with children the same ages. It starts with getting a snack afterward or heading to a park afterward and can bring about a great relationship for you and your children. It gets you out of the house too.
3. Schedule is key! My 2 were in daycare until #3 came, and the daycare woman got my boys on a schedule that saved my life! When they were babies, they napped religiously from 9-10 & 1-3 (she woke them up). They had a snack every day at 10 & at 3 and lunch at 12:30. I carried this on to my 3rd and made a schedule around it for my boys.
4. "Special Time". Since my youngest was the only one with a morning nap, the older 2 got 1 hour of "special time with mom" every day. It was tough for me at first to stop my own chores and sit with them, but it ended up really working in my favor because they no longer acted out as much. They would use their hour to do a craft, read books, watch their favorite cartoons, play outside, etc, but the deal was that I had to do it with them (my favorite was cartoons because I could doze off without them knowing).
5. Do everything in your power to get both of your kids to nap at the same time in the afternoon. It's a tough task, but it will save you so much of your sanity to get that mid-day break.
I hope I've helped you. My kids are now 6, 5 & 3 and I'm finally just now starting to feel like I've got it together.
Angi

I also second Julie's response. Well said. good luck.

First of all take a deep breath and exhale. Do this about 4 times. Second is there ANYONE around that you trust with your children or anyone who can come visit for a day to give you a MUCH needed break. If not I would suggest looking into a mother's day out program for the kids and you too. Can you work part-time so your husband can be home a bit more to help out?

As for the 7 month old only a few more months and the spitting up will just stop. At a year it just seems to get better or at least it did with mine. We actually have to replace our couch because it smells so bad from spit up. :(

You def need some me time and if you don't get it yes, you will snap.

One other tiny tiny suggestion. You mentioned that you go to My Gym. I go to one of those too. They also offer open play sessions once per week, which would give you another hour of play, that you are already paying for. I too have 2 little ones, a 1 and 2 year old, and I totally get what you are saying. Parenting at this age is extremely isolating if you don't have friends or family nearby (which I don't either). But it WILL get better eventually. Will be crossing my fingers for you.

Updated

One other tiny tiny suggestion. You mentioned that you go to My Gym. I go to one of those too. They also offer open play sessions once per week, which would give you another hour of play, that you are already paying for. I too have 2 little ones, a 1 and 2 year old, and I totally get what you are saying. Parenting at this age is extremely isolating if you don't have friends or family nearby (which I don't either). But it WILL get better eventually. Will be crossing my fingers for you.

You need to get some time for yourself. I would get a part time job, even if it just covers the child care cost. I understand he is stressed but draw the line with belittling comments. He needs to learn how to handle his anger. And be direct with the play group - they might have just assumed you weren't interested. I'm guessing those other mom's have more support... don't be hard on yourself. I was in a bad marriage and my perspective was worse than the reality, e.g. I always thought things were messier than they were. Being a single parent was actually easier but I was the breadwinner. Sorry you are in a tough spot!

I agree with the advice from mamalucky. You will get through this, I promise!

Get the 2 yo in some part time nursery school. Even if only 2 xs a week, 2 hrs each time.

Join a gym that has childcare, so you can get a little break, and some exercise to make yourself feel good.

Near me, there are a TON of kids programs that are either free or inexpensive. For example:
1. Our local library has children's programs, varying in age from 6 months to 9 years old, all kinds of reading and/or music or art etc. It is a nice way to meet other local moms, and get out of the house. (Even if there's no program, just going to the library to play and/or read can be good).
2. Our local Barnes and Noble has a story time every Tuesday morning. Before my girls were in full day school, we used to go.
3. We have a playplace at a nearby mall, where it is way too crowded and scary with bigger kids on the weekends and afternoons, on weekday mornings, it is very quiet, and when the girls were toddlers, it was a great (and free) place to play and meet other moms too.
4. Our local children's museum is really nice, and very reasonable membership cost. It is a great place to go, the kids have never been bored. We've gone for years.
5. Wood Kingdom has open play for like $8 and it is a nice and safe place for the very little ones. I'm not sure if you have this near you or not.
6. Any of the bouncey type of places would be a good place for your 2 yo for a once in a while thing.
7. Gymboree has classes but these may be pricier.

In the summers, it's going to the beach or the pool or sprinkler park or playground etc. In winter, do indoor things like those I've suggested above.

For me, the key with the kids has always been going out and doing things. If you're in the house all the time, it is bound to drive you nuts.

As for the 7 month old, I hope you're getting good help and advice from your ped on this. I have no experience with this, so I'm sorry I don't have good advice to give.

In addition, do your best to reconnect with your husband, and get out and have a date night. It is important.

Please do not group "most men" in with your husband. Most men WILL change dirty diapers and wipe drool as long as it is their own child, niece or nephew! TEACH HIM, SHOW him, praise him, SHARE your kids with him! Do not pretend it is the 1940s
Does your husband really want to work all those hours and be shut out of his children's lives? Children, even very young children, do better when they interact with fathers. Google the role of fathers and share articles withhim. Also google how men are happier and healthier the more they are involved in their homes and families. Start small and get out of the house without the kids so he can connect and bond. Know you are doing everyone a favor! Even if he resists. Take a class, if you pay for it, it will be too important to miss, even when you are tired. Would a part time job help you to give your husband more time with his kids? A family should be more about team work, i was a single mom for a while and it's not what's best for your kids. Daycare is not terrible for kids. Not having a father is. Find a way to make changes for your kids sake.

I feel for you sweetie. Most SAHMs have been there to some degree. You are not alone.

Some options...
Is it possible for you to work part-time and your husband cut back his hours a little? I don't blame him for feeling like he is not responsible for helping around the house if he is truly working 7 days a week. But he is still 1/2 of the parenthood and when he is home, he should be just as involved with the kids as you are all day. Maybe though if you were working part-time and he was working a little less, things would balance out. You'd get your out of the house time and he'd not feel so overworked.

As for the kids and keeping your sanity - it is hard, very hard...but doable.
Some suggestions would be to schedule your day with them down to the hour. Always have things worked out so they get used to a schedule and are not bored. The times my children drive me nuts is when they are unoccupied and start teasing eachother. That's when I lose it, but in the end, it's my fault. I should have given them something to do. I would cut out as much television as possible, and the only things they watch should be educational.

At that age, your children should still be taking naps. Use nap-time as ME time. Take a hot bath, get in a quick work-out, or read a book.

Go on walks. It is amazing what a little fresh air can do.

Join MeetUp.com. There are so many groups and events you can go to, with the kids. You can meet some new friends that way, and build your support group.

Try not to gripe. I know it's easy to be ungrateful. But think how it will be if you had to work full-time in addition to your husbands salary. Kids in daycare (sick more often), hectic strained schedules, etc.

Start asking questions...like, "What did you do at work today honey?" "What would you like for dinner?"
Get him involved in conversation.

Sex is hard when none of your needs are being met. If nothing changes with your work schedule, the change you need is all going to be up to you. Join a gym for your health and a break from the kids. The childcare at gyms is very inexpensive and usually high quality. That's two hours of your day you could be losing weight, toning, sitting in the sauna or steam room, swimming, etc. And your children will be getting some socializing in too - happier kids for you! Most gyms are waiving fees right now for New Years Resolutions promotions, so it's the best time to get in.

Onto the husband...he won't change unless he sees that you are happy with his efforts. Which means that he is getting what he needs from you - and if that is sex (of course it is!) then that is one of the answers. I know it sounds crazy! But lead by example.
Simple things you can do...make his coffee for him and have it ready when he gets out of the shower. If he likes to read the paper or jump on the computer when he gets home, have a snack ready for him at that location. Write him silly love notes on the bathroom mirror in lipstick or on a post-it. So he will see them in the morning when he gets up. Help the kids make handmade cards for him to read when he gets home like, "Thank you for working so hard for us! We love you!" You may see that he starts doing more little things for you that make you feel good...then the whole sex dillemma ususally flies out the window.

Read the books: "The 5 Love Languages", and "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands." You'll gain so much from them. The second is catered exactly to your situation - and even though the title sounds condescending, you'll get more out of it than him.

Find a babysitter and schedule two date nights a month. Choose an activity that you two can accomplish together, frequently - like hiking or attending a frequent event that you both enjoy.

Are you goals the same and are you both focused on them? Finances, religion, future family planning, vacations, retirement, kids education? If not, your life will always feel like chaos. These can sometimes be tough discussions, but they must be had.

If all else fails, seek counseling. Your life is completely unbalanced. As is his. You may need a neutral party to help you sort it out.

Best of luck to you!

It sounds that you are overwhelmed and my heart goes out to you. I was a single mom working full time with one child; I know how hard that was and how much I desperately wanted and needed someone to at least bounce things off of. As new parents, we don't always know how to handle all situations and it's just nice to have the support of a partner.

But, alas, that was not in the cards for me and you also have a hard hand of cards dealt to you. During the day, if possible, try to just go into your room, if only for a few minutes, and have some quiet time where you can take deep breaths and try to rejuvinate. You'll be surprised how much better you will feel after only five minutes of peace and quiet. Also, I assume your children take naps - when they nap, you rest. Don't be up trying to do everything; let it go and sit down, relax, close your eyes, or watch some mindless stuff on television and just get a break.

Here the city Parks and Recreation Department does a Parents Night Out where you can drop your kids off for about 3 hours on a Friday night and go out. They do charge, but not much and it's definitely worth it, especially if you're going at it alone. Perhaps you can check in the area you're in to see if the City, County or any churches have any such program. Your baby might be too young, but they might take the 2 year old.

As far as your kids always getting hurt or getting into trouble when you turn your back, they are kids and it's what they do. Perhaps you can get one of those corral things that they can play in while you try to accomplish something. That way, you won't have to worry about what they're in to or where they are and you can get something done at a normal pace instead of trying to rush like a mad woman because you have to keep an eye on the kids all the time.

There are solutions; you just need to think it through at a time when you're not stressed.

Good luck and know that we are here for you! You are not alone!

M.,
SO hear you.
2 yo needs constant redirection. You can't turn your back. You will get through this. Don't worry. Take a deep breath before you rant/yell/scream. Your children will thank you for it later in life.

Your husband needs to have a wake up call. You can't dial it!

Take your baby to a chiropractor. one who works on infants. We have one here in Rochester (more probably) NY . Made all the difference in the spit up and reflux. 90% reduction!

So much more but you can mail me, so hear you, hang in! care for your kids and you and your husband first, house second.

This is such a short period in their lives. I know it is hard to look at it that way from the inside out, but you must. your babies are growing and learning from YOU! You are your child's first teachers.

good luck,
M.

I completely understand. I don't have any family nearby to help because they are taking care of my ailing mother (whom I take c/o 3/week).
-Rest when they nap even if you can't sleep. Just rest, don't move.
-Let the housework go for now
-See if there is a nearby drop in nursery you could utilize for 30 mins once a week. First go visit the faciility, check costs & the staff to ensure you feel comfortable.
-Even if your older one doesn't nap anymore, when your little one is asleep see if your toddler will lay down w/you in your bed & look at a book for quiet time.
-while your husb is busy working for the household & tired, he can still help in some way. Ask him, don't "tell" him.
-Know that the light at the end of the tunnel is nearby
-Just try to get through each day, one at a time. Even if it is in 1/2 hr blocks
-Keep reminding yourself that soon, very soon things will look up. Nothing lasts forever.
-Can you call your petiatrician abt your baby's acid reflux
-Do you have any old friends you can re-connect call & talk to?
-How about going to the library for reading time? Your 2 1/2 yr old will likely enjoy it, it's quiet & maybe your baby will be okay in a stroller
-take any time you can get for yourself
-when hubby is home just try sitting on the couch & talking about your days and what they entailed. This can help you re-connect so that possibly you will want to have some intimacy w/him. For men, this seems to be what keeps the relationship going FOR THEM. (We had this issue 7 it's a vicious cycle...it got better when I was no longer sleep depirved & taking care of my infant).
-treat yourself to things: a Netflix rental even if you hv to watch it in over a whole day due to taking c/o kids, call an old friend to chat on the phone for 10-15 mins just to make you feel beetter
- watch the comedy channel for 10 mins to help you laugh (laughter really is the best medicine)
-Know that things will look up soon!!
-Ask your hubby for help w/things he can do & time it right (not right when he gets home or when he just sits down to relax).
-get sleep however/whenever you can
-can your oldest go to preschool 2 days a week?
-Hang in there. It will get better soon. Best wishes sweetie!

I can understand where youre coming from. I have a just turned 3 little boy and my husband works 6 days a week, 12 hour shifts. I too have no one to help and my boy is a screamer. One thing i have found that has helped sooo much is a MOPS group. I drop him off for 2 hours at the childcare at the church and me and some other moms get to do a different activity each time. Some things we do is Yoga, self defense, crafts. Its a blast. My son gets to play with other kids and I get a break. I LOVE it. You can find a group at MOPS.org.

Well my initial thought is you need to get out. No friends why? Get a job
if you can, put kids in daycare and then maybe your husband will not have
to work seven days a week etc. Sounds like each of you need to step up to
the plate and work out your differences for the sake of the kids. Force yourself to get out. You are in a rut. Your husband may not be very supportive at this moment, but then again if you are cranky and miserable
being home all day, it comes thru when he comes home. So you go round
and round. So in the end, find some other mothers, get dressed, get out,
maybe a job. Your self esteem with improve and your relaationship with your husband will improve. Good luck.

Updated

Well my initial thought is you need to get out. No friends why? Get a job
if you can, put kids in daycare and then maybe your husband will not have
to work seven days a week etc. Sounds like each of you need to step up to
the plate and work out your differences for the sake of the kids. Force yourself to get out. You are in a rut. Your husband may not be very supportive at this moment, but then again if you are cranky and miserable
being home all day, it comes thru when he comes home. So you go round
and round. So in the end, find some other mothers, get dressed, get out,
maybe a job. Your self esteem with improve and your relaationship with your husband will improve. Good luck.

Do you have your kids on a schedule? I feel like that is the best way to keep your sanity. Put them on a schedule and stick to it. Then your 2 yr old will be able to anticipate what is coming and hopefully minimize any tantrums. Also, maybe you should get a part time job. That way you can get out for a little while. I understand completely that you want to be home with your kids but not everyone is cut out to be a sahm. Or get involved in some children's classes. Your library or YMCA should have them for cheap. Either way hang in there

I understand i'm a divorced sahm with very little suport to 3. age 8mos, 3, and 8yrs.
Last night i felt like running away. My 8yr old threw the biggest tantrum (yes my 8yr old) and told me im the worst mommy, she hates me, i'm stupid.
Then my 3 yr old started crying and refusing to eat dinner. My 8 yr old spit hers on the table then my baby broke out in hives.
I'm so surprised i still have hair on my head sometimes.
Then my ex who is supose to take the 2 older ones tonight tells me he's going to a going away party for some 23 yr old girl he met. He's 33! And can i keep them. I get 4 nights a month where i feel like i get a little break. Even though i still have the baby who is attached to my boob 24/7.
I'm sorry and i think you really need a break. You have to tell your husband that his 7 day a wk schedule is not working and you can not do everything alone. Thats why im divorced. he didnt want to help me and he cheated but thats another story.
I think your hiusband cutting back on his hours and you picking up a part time job is a great idea.
If you need to vent feel free to im me. I so know where you are comming from. Its lonely and stressful and very repetitive to live the way we are.

You are burned out - and no wonder with how hard you are working with no breaks! Is there any way to make time for yourself a couple times a week? There is a family meeting place here where I live called the Family Strengths Network. I started going there when we moved here and met lots of other moms. I made it a priority to get everyone up and dressed (and make myself look presentable...jeans, sweater, hair brushed) and each morning I go do something (music time at the library or swimming at the pool or whatever). It renews me somewhat to just talk to other moms. I met many nice people by getting out almost daily and I swap with another mom watching each others kids. I go for a run during that time. I also hired a babysitter for one morning a week. I also have the option of a mom's swimming group or running group (the mom's all take turns watching the kids in a couple shifts) which I never seem to go to. Just getting time for myself a couple mornings a week really helps. Can you start going to toddler activities where you live and perhaps start your own play group with new people you meet that you think are nice? It's hard. Take care of yourself. Try to get enough sleep. Exercise! That really really helps. When I start getting burned out it takes forever to feel rested again.

Hang in there. Having a rough day myself. Am also a SAHM. Have been since my oldest was born, over 4yrs ago. Husband is in military and last yr alone was gone for 3 and 1/2 mos all broken up, so a month here, a month there, which is almost worse than all at once because it takes time to adjust to when he leaves and takes time to adjust when he gets back. They are only this little once and all you can do is your best. I don't remember the last time my husband had a meal with us and he again is on another trip, somewhere warm and nice, while we sit in 0' weather and buttloads of snow that I now get to go and figure out how to clear off my driveway. Am feeling pretty annoyed, i know that he does so much and that he deserves a break. But I don't want to hear about the great time that he's having and I know that is so selfish on my part but I can empathize with what you're going through. hang in there is all i can say, it does get easier in certain ways.

Honestly? It sounds like everyone would be happier if you both worked day jobs & had quality family time during evenings & weekends. What is the point of staying home if you are miserable? How does that benefit your kids? Just because you can stay home doesn't always mean you will be good at or enjoy it. I speak from experience.

And, is staying home really worth your DH working this horrible shift, that prevents him being awake when his family is awake, that affects his energy level, his sleeping patterns, and his mood? It wouldn't be worth it to me, I'd find a way to find a balance. You get to stay home, but it's at your DH's expense, it seems. Night shifts, in & of themselves are known to cause divorces, and a host of other issues.

If you want to stay home so badly that this is worth it, then I guess that is your choice. But you'll need to start being more positive & proactive when it comes to your own happiness. You can't have it both ways - this is what you wanted. Be happy that your DH can provide for your family & that you are able to be with your kids.

I have noticed a trend with SAHMs (and having been there/done that), and that is that they often don't have a full grasp on the pressure their DH's feel to be a good provider, to pay all the bills, and to be the perfect dad & still be expected to pitch in 50/50 at home. I just don't think it's fair, honestly. They just think about themselves & how hard they have it & forget about their partners somewhere along the line.

Your kids will not die if they are in daycare. They will happier there than at home with a miserable mom & sleep deprived, irritable father.

First you need support. Go to the library - I am sure they have story time. Make some friends.
As for your husband - you need to reconnect.
Pick an evening - put the kids to bed - order some chinese food and sit together and talk -- I mean really talk. Don't complain. Talk. Talk about your day, his day, the kids, what they learned...
When he gets home at night, make the children engage him. Make them get up and give him a hug hello. Have your oldest show Daddy what she's making or what she's building, or whatever. I'm sure he's as frustrated with the situation as you are.
If he wants sex, he will have to learn that an exhausted wife is not interested, but a wife whose husband helped put the kids to bed is far more interested even when she's pooped out!
You need to sit and talk -- if it takes therapy, do it. Do it for your family.
LBC