Racist Comments

It's frustrating and unacceptable, but I think the uncle is beyond your reach.

I also think that reaching out to the child's father is going to be fruitless. Why do I say that? Because he has no regard for the mom or her feelings anyway, because the mom is doing all of the work with shuttling the child for meager visitation with a disinterested father. This is the most unequal parenting program I've seen in a long time. There's no way the mom should be doing this! If the dad wants to see his child, he needs to show up at the child's door at lot more often, and not make the mom jump through so many hoops. If there's an occasional situation where it's more convenient to pick the child up at an activity, fine. If Grandma has to help out now and then and Mom doesn't want to inconvenience Grandma, maybe it's okay to help out. But this intense scheduling of the custodial parent (Mom) is all about manipulation and selfishness. I think, if Mom can say "no way this is continuing" and Dad can start showing some respect and dignity toward her, he won't permit Uncle to bash the child's mother. But right now, I don't see a whole lot of regard for Mom so I doubt very much that I'd worry about the racist remark. I'd be much more concerned about a little girl growing up to not respect her mother in every other way!

Mom should grow a set and tell uncle herself that while she has no control over how he feels about other races, that if he EVER uses racial epithets in his niece's earshot, it will be a long goddamn time before he sees her again.

Most people from past generations had to grow up and figure out a relative they once respected has beliefs that are not respectable.

The uncle sounds ignorant and once the child gets older, she may be able to determine this on her own (unless she is ignorant too). Seems less likely to be ignorant on that topic if the main influence in her life (the mother) does not think the same way as the uncle.

I would just let it go. Children are going to be exposed to racist comments, and this can serve as a teachable moment. The best thing Mom can do is react in a mature way. She should try not to let it get to her and show her daughter that those kinds of comments do exist, but she's not going to get upset about it. It would be good for her to try to not say anything negative about the uncle, but that won't be easy. Still, children are not stupid and do pick up on these kinds of things. It's important to acknowledge any feelings and thoughts her daughter has and do her best to respond to any questions.

She's not going to get anywhere trying to make the uncle stop, so the best thing she can do is take the high road.

Hard question! I don't think anyone can control the uncle, so if she's going to be around him, someone will have to explain to the child that uncle Joe is one of the people in the world who doesn't like people of other races, or is racist. Lots of people have relatives with negative tendencies that kids have to learn to navigate. In my case soon I need to explain to the kids that even though their grandma loves them and they lover her (my ex MIL), she does drink way too much alcohol. I'm actually going to post a question here to ask come advice how to best address it...

Also, in your case, I would approach uncle if I was the girl's mom. I would know my ex would have no effect over his brother and probably wouldn't try. I'd probably have no effect either, but setting boundaries is important to diffuse future incidents because things tend to pile up gradually and then explode in a big mess. "Hey, Joe, I know you don't like the fact that my boyfriend is _____, but please try not to say anything negative about him around my daughter. We love you a lot and I want my daughter to see us all getting along like civilized people."

This way if he continues or it gets worse, she has grounds to limit contact, escalate her complaint and pass it to other people to tell him, whatever.

I hate speaker phones, don't understand why anyone uses them.

I have to ask, wonder, was the brother aware he was on speaker and others were there? Even when I use my hands free, which is obviously a speaker phone, I start the conversation with the list of ears in the car. Just seems the polite thing to do.

The conversation you gave doesn't indicate brother knew mom was listening let alone the child. So how exactly was the brother talking bad about mom around the child?

I just know when my ex or his family are being exceptionally annoying I just go off in crazy directions though I never act on it. That is what it seems like happened here except you are suggesting she act on those emotions. Don't do it, never turns out good for the kids.
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Your what happened doesn't make sense, but the point is both your ideas will hurt the child so why suggest them? To make mom feel better? Part of being a good parent is choking down this nonsense and always putting your child's feelings first.

Hmm... well, I had a hard time understanding your post (sorry mom!), so I might not have the drop off / pick up stuff correct in my head. So... what I would say is that your friend is being taken advantage of and needs to stop being so "convenient" for her ex.

If she needs to go back to court and get the court orders to document everything, that might be what needs to happen to get him to understand that "easy street" is over.

It also sounds like email and text messages should be used from now on and Grandma should not be doing ANY of the picking up and dropping off. If she's not part of it, then all of this will be between the child's parents and the extended family won't be in the picture.

I'd let the ex have it for what his brother said on the phone. I take it the child is mixed race? That uncle is calling his niece that hateful word as well. Has he ever thought of THAT?

Time to tighten the reins and stop being the ex's chauffeur and helper. And REALLY time for grandma to step out of this. Grandma should keep her mouth shut about stuff to the rest of that family, too. They seem to be a bit too big for their britches about all this.