My Daughter's Boyfriend

How could you be friends with such a bigoted person?

I would not have asked to change the subject

I would have told I find her opinions repulsive and trashy. I would tell her I had no idea she thought this way and continuing this friendship would be pointless as clearly we are not compatible as friends. I would tell her that if she teaches that trash to her son I question her parenting and ability to raise children that will grow up to make positive contributions to society.

Then I would say goodbye.

I couldn't continue to be friends with this person. She doesn't recognize that people are people regardless of their skin color. That's a deal breaker for me plain and simple.

Who wants to be friends with a racist?
She can take the boys to the park to play and drop him off after.

If your question is, "Omg how could I think a person who is so repulsively bigoted was my friend all this time?!", than my answer is:

She's not.

You were wrong. Take a stand.

:)

No reason for YOU to be hurt just because your friend is a racist. Honestly, if a close friend of mine reacted like that, it would really change our relationship. I would lose respect for her and, sadly, she would be someone I'd distance myself from. She really showed you her true persona. Do you like the "real" her?

I would turn it right back to her. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you were such a racist." Because, truly, that's what she is. She questioned your parenting decisions... YOU should really be questioning her HUMAN decisions.

You know, some people are beyond ignorant. I will never understand it.

I started "dating" black guys as early as 8th grade, and married one when I was 21. The horror! LOL...we just passed our 10th anniversary and are more in love than ever. We also have three beautiful mixed children. I would PAY for their skin tone year round, it's honestly the most perfect shade of tan. My daughter will never have to worry about a tan in the summer because it's her natural skin color!!

So, I guess I'm curios, how do you know someone for 3 years and not know they are racist? I guess color never comes up in conversation? I'm very open about it and talk about it when I want to, my friends know this about me.

My husband is from southern MS and when I first went to meet his family (our daughter was 5 months old) the only people who would speak to us (outside of his family) were the little, old, white ladies! Go figure!!

So if any of my kids had friends who had issues with my families choice of other friends, I'm sorry they would have to be weaned out. I honestly don't know what I would do since her son is your son's best friend...but I would not allow that influence on my children at all.

I'd be like, "Hello, this is 2015. Are you serious?!?"

I don't understand your being "hurt" over this -- the woman is a bigot, you should take a stronger stand. It's less about your parenting decisions than it is about her racism.

Your son and her son can still be friends, and you can go to the park with her. If she brings up the subject of your daughter's bf again, tell her to stop being racist.

You can choose better friends. I'd simply say I'm busy. She's prejudiced at her core and you just found out. That's so completely sad.

What if your daughter ends up with this young man and has children? Your friend would always be making rude remarks about his coloring, hair texture, if he got "good" skin or not, if he got your daughter facial features, and more. I couldn't live like that. I'd be telling her off and saying good bye.

Your son that is friends with her son is who you need to watch out for. Please have a talk with him and tell him what was said so he can decide ahead of time how he's going to handle this other child's racist remarks. He has them, he may not know it yet but if he's been raised and heard these things all his life he's going to use them someday.

I'd have my child prepared in the event anyone says anything to him.

T.,

Hurt? I'd be angry!

I wouldn't be so offended for the questioning of parenting decisions, but rather, I'd be shocked and disgusted by her racist views.

I would not have put up with this from her, and the second she started shouting, the conversation would be over.

I really don't know how I'd remain friends with someone like this, so I don't know what to tell you. Maybe after you've had some time away from her, you might try and have a discussion with her in the hopes that she'd had time to think about how out of line her reaction was, had reconsidered her words, and apologizes to you for being such a jerk and promises never to say these things again. Maybe.

If she's still saying the same things, the friendship would be over for me.

I'm sorry I don't have anything more to help you with this. It's just sad that there are still people who judge others on the color of their skin.

Unbelievable.

J. F.

Well sometimes you think you know someone until something like this comes up. She has shown her true colors. I would no longer associate with her and I would not care if she contacted me again because...... I do not knowingly associate with racists.

Your son does not need racist friends either.

I had a similar issue with my daughter. While she was a senior in high school, she was varsity cheer captain, smart, pretty, straight A student, academic scholarship for college and she dated..... the very handsome, bright, football player from an exceptional family and he was black.

When prom rolled around, I thought nothing of posting one of the beautiful pictures that we had professionally taken on my FB page. WOW is all I can say.

I am from rural MS and after this post, I deleted about 1/2 of my friends and I made a statement on my FB page that I would be deleting racists from my page. I went on a nice rant.... These people are devout "Christians" who are at church every time the door is open. I said they were very hypocritical to spew the hate they did toward me and my family just because my daughter was dating a black guy.

My daughter and he did break up they headed to college. He left for a top notch college and is playing football there. She is at a great college and focused with her college career. Who's to say if they ever reconnect... they parted on good terms because they both knew it is vital to pursue college. They graduated in 2013. Daughter just turned 20.

I am sorry you went through this as well. NO ONE at the school or here where we live in TX thought a thing about it or had anything negative to say. It was the relatives in bass ackwards rural MS that blew my mind. And they have the gall to invite us to anything and everything they have in MS for gifts and money but they can't support and be happy for my child.... NOPE... I wrote that side of my family off in 2013 and never looked back.

Her son and your son are friends. Let them play together.
Make the subject of your daughter's boyfriend off-limits.

Hmmm... a lot of anger against the person you describe in the answers below. I disagree with ending the relationship/friendship. We have a very diverse country, but it is still fractured on many issues. There are some areas where past views & behaviors are still pervasive - it may be that your friend is from that area, or was brought up by family who are. Or, they could have their own experiences, which painted a different picture of people than you have formed yourself.

I have a friend who was very concerned when she found out my sister was dating/engaged to a man from Lebanon. She went on more than once about the dangers to my sister & our family. I took it as an opportunity to find out WHY she had these viewpoints (which seemed very racist/biggoted & extremist to me), and over the course of a few conversations, was able to show her that her perceptions of people from the Middle East were not accurate to all people. She has since met my brother in law, and told me that she is glad we had the talks, and can see that he is a wonderful man, husband & father.

I hope that you will be able to get together with your friend, and be open-minded about approaching such a difficult subject with her. Maybe having a pointed conversation is not the best approach - it will likely set her on the defensive, and be as off-putting as her comments were to you. But I hope that you will have opportunities to discuss her viewpoints further, and help her to realize that her past experiences or learnings about different people may no longer apply, or at least do not apply in this case.

Best of luck. T. :)

If tell her that you don't want to have her make such an outburst again, and ask if she will leave the crazy at home.

I'm not sure I could be friends with a person like that.

Next time she mentions your daughter's boyfriend, tell her that you value his morals and standards much more than you value the color of his skin, and that he is a better person than many other people you know.

See what she says to that.

As far as your sons being friends, well, not sure what to say about that.

This is not a friend. She is a very prejudiced human being. Your call on whether you want to meet for the playdate but I believe we are living in an age where we have struggled to eliminate this kind of thinking and I'm wondering how much further you want to go with this. Your sons can get continue a friendship when they are older or able to get together on their own.It sounds like any further contact will simply produce high anxiety.

Not everyone believes in 'mixed' relationships. These people come from 'all shades of the rainbow'.

I've met black people and asian people who would never date 'out'. They will even tell a mixed couple to their face about their opinion. I've seen this first hand.

I suggest you just suck it up/ignore it or else move on to more supportive friends.

Honestly, I've never had this happen, so I don't know what I'd say to her. You're not over-reacting.

You may need to have a frank conversation with your son. Don't assume her son is racist. Sometimes kids distance themselves from this kind of parental behavior. He needs to know what's going on, because he's going to hear it from his friend if the mom went on a rant about it at home. Perhaps follow his lead re. his friend.

I do find it interesting that she went all ranty-pants on you, BUT she's fine with the play-date... that's a bit confusing and mixed-message-y.

I don't know about what you need to do for you.

I'd possibly have asked her to leave my house and considered the friendship over. I'm surprised it took 3 years before she outed herself as a racist.

Alternately, maybe she isn't so much hateful as simply raised to be ignorant and is open to change. You can put the decision in her hands by being explicitly clear that her behavior and outlook is not acceptable to you and you don't want your kids exposed to it.

A third option is to not be confrontational, but stop interacting with her except when you're put into the same place like a school event. That means you don't invite her or her child over, and you're 'busy' when she invites you to meet at the park. Eventually she'll stop trying, or she will confront you about it, and then you can revert to the above plan.

Talk to your son about issues like this to make sure his friend hasn't been a negative influence, but you shouldn't necessarily end your son's friendship if things seem okay. The other mom might prohibit it though, if she thinks her precious will be soiled by proximity to others who may visit your home.

That's weird. Your friend must be living in a different era.

I wonder what she would have done or said if your daughter was dating a girl?

I would just hope she doesn't bring it up again, and if she does, tell her flat out that she's being racist and it's not OK and she needs to shut up and get over it. She might disagree, but telling you white girls can't date black guys because they are black is racist. Stand up for this nice young man and your daughter too, because it sounds like they both deserve it.

Yuck! She does not sound like someone I would choose to be around.

Being the person that I am , I'd meet up anNDtalk it out with her. And let her know how you feel and think.

My cousin had an issue not long ago where a little girl that is friends with her daughter was having a birthday party. Her mother invited the class except for my cousin and another little black girl. My cousin and her daughter ran into them at the store and the little girl asked my cousin if she was coming to her birthday party. The mother said oh I ran out of invitations so I didn't send one to your daughter and the other black girl. My cousin told her that it was funny that she ran out of invitations for the black kids but she didn't have to worry about her daughter coming. She told her she was clearly racist and she didn't want her daughter around anyone like her. She said the woman turned red and walked away.

I say this to say sometimes parents who are racist don't always affect the children in the same way. There are many who do though. You will have to decide how important her friendship is to you. You can spend years trying to educate her or you can just drop her.

If your daughter and her boyfriend get married they are going to have to deal with comments and stares. Make sure she is aware of that. As long as you and your husband are supportive of her choice in a partner she should be fine running into idiots like your friend.

It is 2015 but unfortunately some people don't realize that there are differences and that they need to learn to embrace other people for who they are and not the stereotypes that they are used to hearing about.

I would have a long conversation with your friend. If she is unwilling to accept your parenting skills then I would tell her that I don't value her friendship any longer and that you can't be friends with her and move on. Good luck!!

I'm sorry for this. This is going to be a thing for your daughter and her young man. It really sucks, but inter-racial couples still stir up the ugly worst in people. Simply say "So what's the real issue?" Let her go on as long as she likes, then ask her if she's done. Tell her what you told us about him. Then ask her why wouldn't she allow her daughter to date a young man with goals and intellect. A young man who care and respects her daughter. A young man who comes from a home where he has love and security.

Good luck.

Your friend is a racist. You have to figure out for yourself if that is a deal breaker and if that type of interaction it healthy for you and your son.

Good luck! Peace and blessings

No ur not over reacting...u have the right to feel some type of way... She's in the wrong because for one she is racist and she criticized ur parenting.... And know whats funny??? She like the guy until she knew what race he is....so overall hes a good guys. Shes just mad hes black.. And thats soooio messed up

If the kids enjoy playing together, I'd still let them, but at places like a park, not at her home and not without you present. You don't want her telling your kid that there's something wrong with his sister's boyfriend because of his skin tone. I don't leave my kid alone with some of my relatives because I know they're homophobic and she has a gay uncle- and I don't want to risk her hearing something that I don't know about and can't talk to her about.

There is no reason your son and hers can not continue to be friends. If you want to remain friends with someone so narrow-minded is up to you. Maybe she was just surprised, give her the benefit of the doubt and see what happens.

If she brings it up again, just tell her that you base your opinions of people based on their character and not the color of their skin. Explain if you are so inclined that this young man is intelligent, has goals, and has a good family. He treats your daughter with respect and that is what matters to you. You hope she understands, even if she disagrees with your decision. End of discussion.

T., I haven't read the other responses yet, but this is my initial reaction.

I would not have playdates anymore. You have NO idea what kind of stuff she will say in front of your son. The fact that she went on and on with you when she knew you didn't want the conversation means that she doesn't have boundaries. I wouldn't trust her not to talk about white people not dating black people.

Here's the thing. She's an adult and she made the decision to bust your chops over this. You are an adult and you don't have to accept it.