One of my aunt/uncle couples hosts a cook out and it's a family event that's been going on for decades. Last year, the actual hostess was out of town for the event so my cousin (her daughter) tried to organize things. She's in her 20's, doesn't host things etc. so I could see that this was becoming a communication mess and suggested that she set up a sign up genius to coordinate who was bringing what. She asked if I could do it, I said sure, and that was that. I tried to make her the owner of the event but she didn't accept it.
Anyway...she asked again if I could set it up and re-send the invite. It takes all of 15 minutes, so I said sure and did it. All is well except for that one relative. There's always one! This relative has 1 kid who is in school all day, doesn't work, and spends copious amounts of time on FaceBook complaining about how busy she is. She's only a few years older than me and computer savvy. What does she do? Sends me a FB message with her RSVP and a request that I update the sign up *for her* with the info. Right...because working mom of 4 kids here has nothing better to do...
If she were my sibling or cousin I'd bounce it back because she's in my dad's generation, I'll probably just do it and not make a big deal but really, do people who impose on others just not even think?
I know we all have these nudges in our lives...who has imposed on you lately?
You have now become the new family party coordinator. Next year if you do not want to do it, let people know.
Good luck to you and I hope the party is great.
the other S.
I guess I'm in the minority here. Thus wouldn't bother me too badly. I like to be the organizer and know what's going on with everything. I just keep lists of who is bringing what and who is coming, but that's the control freak in me.
If you don't want to do it, tell her you need her to do it otherwise everyone will expect you to do it and you flat out don't have time. Saying no is a powerful thing.
Ah...
Brings back memories from LONG ago regarding my ex SIL.
We had just come back from germany with our newborn son. My inlaws were kind enough to allow us to live with them while we were house hunting. They were going away for a few weeks, so my then husband and I decided to host a BBQ for some friends visiting in the area at that time.
The SIL got wind of it, and suggested 'we' come to her home...
Then she called to ask if we could bring the meat.
Next she called to see if we could bring the sides.
Then...I KID YOU NOT...she asked if we could bring the grill!!
She was (and remains) a piece of work.
I find myself taking deep breaths and doing visualizations in preparation for one of my son's wedding coming up in October. Hoping there is enough time for me to find my 'calm' space!
***And it has been 10 years since divorce!!!***
breathe deeply...drink heavily??
In any case, BEST!!
You didn't say anything that would mean a no was inappropriate. Sounded like it may be because she's in an earlier generation. Why not? When someone asks for your help, it's always important to answer based on your needs. When you say ok to make them happy you won't be happy.
I suggest that you practice saying no so you can say, sorry I can't help you. I have to say no. Think about why you feel obligated.
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I agree with Marda. Why are you doing it for her? If she took the time to message you all the info she could have done it herself. I think you should just say, oh sorry, I set up the whole thing but you need to sign in yourself because it won't let me do it for you. That's it. If she needs help doing it she can google it since she's online all day. lol
Haha, oh stuff like this does get under my skin. Last Thanksgiving I asked my inlaws to bring lemon meringue pie (MIL favorite thing to make), and she showed up with a sack of flour, a bag of lemons, sugar, and some eggs. She slapped it all on the crowded counter (I was slaving away in the kitchen), and said she didn't want to dirty her kitchen so she figured she could use ours. SO, no lemon meringue pie that year.
I don't ask for much from her, but man, that one really got me.
I would just full out tell your niece she can figure it out. Otherwise just say no next time.
I'm computer savvy and manage businesses pages on FB and would have zero idea of how to do what you're asking her to do. Maybe she simply doesn't know how or didn't see the link to click.
You could always send it back and tell her that the program won't let you do it for some reason and can she re-open the program then click on the word "XXXXX" and that will send it to the program.
Annoying for sure!!!!
Tell her everyone has to sign up themselves.
Sounds like you do not like this lady for other reasons considering the Aunt (a hostess not hosting) and cousin (taking over hosting, yet unable to organize) are imposing 10 times more and it is no bother, yet she is.
I have set up Sign up Genius for school events and most do not sign-up. They will do a google doc. Many just refuse to add one more sign-up website to their life. They are saying NO and I respect that (even though I am doing all the work organizing it).
Sounds like you and this relative may be on the same page, yet both can not see it. She may think you are imposing this website on her and you think she is imposing you to add her info to the website. You can send her the link via Facebook, but no guarantee she will use it.
I really, really HATE when family doesn't seem to realize how full your plate is and dumps more on you.
My stepmother is like this. She knows how busy I am and refuses to learn technology. She will not facebook or email. She wants me to print out pictures of the kids and snail mail to her. I understand that not everyone is tech savy, but she flat refuses to learn. I cannot seem to make her understand that she would get more photos from me if she used technology.
My MIL drove me crazy when I was pregnant with my first child. She refused to use our registry to buy baby items. She would just write a check and tell us to go buy something off the registry. It was wonderful that she was generous, but if she had just ordered from the registry, she could have gotten free shipping and things would have been delivered to our front door. As it was, I was working full time and was hugely pregnant...these were large heavy items too.
I honestly don't think that these folks even realize that they are being a pain...they are just trying to make it easier for themselves.
Until we learn to say no, people will continue to do this type of stuff. Send quick message "swamped at work and with the kids, no time. Please go ahead yourself." What's the worse that can happen? My annoyance is with another mom who is invited to our social functions bc her husband is good friends with the other husbands. But she can never host or even rsvp. She just shows up or when it's a kids function like scouts and the troop leader asks for a reply, nope. She just sends the kids. Last time I hosted a mom's night potluck. Everyone else brings something nice. She shows up with literally a bag of carrots and plastic container of dip from the store. Yes she works but not quite full time and she has an au pair. She had no more on her plate than the rest of us and less than some. We all made comments this time when she showed up bc we're all sick of it. But I couldn't say no. Go home. At least you can give a quick and casual no.
I think the real imposition was by the cousin who couldn't be bothered to set up a simple SignUp Genius list for HER event that she is hosting. It was nice of you to do it for her, though. As for the one relative asking you to do the sign up for her -- I'd just do it and put it under the "this is part of the favor to cousin" heading.
If lots of recipients were asking you to sign up for them, I'd be saying to shoot them all an e-mail explaining that it would take them maybe 60 seconds to sign up, and informing them that SignUp Genius does NOT require them to register to use it or give any personal information to the site itself. Simply to register yes or no, or even to list what you're bringing to an event, is just a few clicks. The site does not require them to register--only you as the person creating the list have to register with the site. That's why I like it so much--it's SO easy to use and doesn't track me or collect information on me if I'm just signing up.
I suspect you and this relative who asked for the sign-up favor have some other history that is making this loom larger for you than maybe it would otherwise--? If so, I'd just let it go. I try to do that when I get imposed on but it's minor and not a real infringement on my time. Focus on the fact you did a nice thing for a younger relative who was getting overwhelmed. (And teach cousin to use Sign Up Genius before her next event!)
Thankfully my family isn't imposing type. I think the most I ever got was some relatives wanting to stay with us and I just said sorry it wasn't possible and told them of nearby hotels.
My mom taught us to say no (she would say "what cheek!" if people asked us to do things they very well could do for themselves) - but if we said "yes" and then complained about it or badmouthed the person, she'd be on us big time. She'd say one person will silly and rude for asking - but it's mean to badmouth others behind their backs. So we had to shut up and suck it up, learn to say no next time.
My in-laws are more the imposing type. It does bug me for sure. Rudeness is such a sign of disrespect. But sometimes it's nothing personal - the person is just stunned. Once I realized that with my in-laws, I just would explain what was involved and why I wasn't available for it.
If they asked me say to do what your relative is doing I'd say "Sorry, are you asking me to fill this out for you? I'm not clear one what you're asking.." which gives them an out. I find that works with my in-laws very well. They get my tone, and just by asking for clarification (like, are you really asking me to do your work for you????) .. it takes care of it. They don't typically try it again.
I would delay responding and then try that tactic - or maybe "Maybe you don't understand how the program works ... I set it up so that everyone could look after their own info, so that I'm not having to keep updating it as I'm also very busy - it's a great system!"... and if it is someone older or you don't want to offend, you could add "let me know if you have problems!".
i dunno. that sounds pretty minor to me.
but then, i'm the non-tech-savvy person in my family who's on FB all the time.
:)
i don't have a ton of impositions, i suppose i don't really invite them, forbidding beast that i am. there is someone whom i do consider a friend, although sometimes i question why. we're both scatter-brained and constantly, impossibly behind ourselves, so i do get it at least to some degree. she often complains that we never see each other, but whenever i invite her to lunch or to pop by for coffee she's too busy. but the decline inevitably comes with 'but if you're going to the feed store this week, would you mind dreadfully picking me up a bag?'
i'm slow, but eventually i do get a clue.
:) khairete
S.
I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it. I might even just pretend like I didn't get the email.
Yeah. SIL. Hubby and son visited grandparents for a week during our spring break. Spring break there was 2 weeks later. SIL shows up, starts planning THEIR stay to fit HER whims - basically trying to ride grandma's -her mom's- coat-tails wherever she wanted to take visiting grandson during vacation. That got stopped quick, but she was a royal pain since she didn't get her way - during THEIR vacation. GRRR.
