Questions You Would Have Liked to Ask Before You Said "I DO"

My 8 yo already has her list. She told me "Well, Mom, before I marry ANYone, they have to pass my test! I'm going to ask them if they have a job, if they like to read, and if they like singing. And if they answer no to any of them, I'm OUTTA there!"

My girl rocks!

This may sound awful but after being married to my ex, I learned you live with someone before you marry them. Lord some guys are really good at hiding things. :(

I mean who would know to ask, are you going to change 100% of who you are after you trap me in marriage. Even if you do do you think the guy will answer it truthfully?

I would want to know the dynamics of my potential spouse's family as he was growing up. Namely, the relationship with parents.

Do you ever plan to cook anything?

Does my job include buying gifts for anyone/everyone in your family with zero input from you?

Do you realize that when the wife goes out and the husband stays home, he is NOT babysitting. He is simply at home with the kid(s).

'is there a history of mental illness in your family?'

Is your mom going to be here all the damn time?
Do you know that dirty laundry doesnt pick its self up?
Can you balance a checkbook?

"Any chance at all that your snoring is going to lessen over the years?"

"Are you aware that your mother suffers from untreated clinical depression and a possible break from reality?"

"Do you EVER throw anything away?"

I think it is important for EVERYONE to live together for 2 years before the get engaged. You can hide who you really are for a couple of hours each day but you cannot hide it if you live with them. (I am not saying you have to have sex so no bashing this please it is my opinion)

It is amazing how much you learn.

In this time she needs to observe his family dinamic, their humor is it funny joking or sarcatic bulling ? Do they treat eachother with love and evenally? Does the Mother take a back seat to the father? Does the father listen to the mother? Can the Mother do anything with out being the center of attention? Can the father do anything with out being in control of it. Do the parents respect their son's life and choices/opinions. Is he allowed to volcalize his thoughts freely infront of them? Does his parents value his talents and make him work through his weaknesses or do they just do everything for him? Does his family manage $$ right or do you deserve that ^&*%*$ so who cares buy it? How many times have they gone bankrupt? Can he clean, cook, ect? Does he tell you what is on his mind and listen to what is on yours? Can you find compramises? Do his parents make coments around their other g-kids I am G-ma I can do what ever I want? Do you see them allow the other kids to disrespect them? (G-ma get you big butt out of the way? I want more! and drop his plate to the floor and she gets it gives him more and says there you go dear?

OK I so wish I paid more attention!

OMG, what an awesome question!

Current trend in our home: "It's not my job to wipe your a**." (said by me, of course! The lone female in a houseful of men....oh, excuse me, I live in a 2 1/2 Men household + 2 male dogs.)

Just shoot me now. Okay, soooo, my question would be: are you capable of being self-sufficient, self-reliant, self-wiping? (geez, I just can't get away from that phrase!)

Examples: when my DH makes his a.m. coffee, he never wipes the counter. This weekend, I left the coffee stains.....& he was complaining about it this a.m. His coffee, his mess....his wipe job.

When he eats, he salts everything. He rarely puts his dishes away - neither the sink nor the dishwasher. AND he never, ever wipes his placemat.....which means the salt is everywhere. His mess....his wipe job.

& the list goes on & on. I need a nap....the sleepy music for my daycare is getting to me!

How long do you let dishes sit in the sink before washing/putting in the dishwasher?

How frequently do you talk to/see your parents?

Will you support me?

Tell her to find someone rich! LOL!

In addition to the things the other moms have already mentioned (so important to ask him how he managed a particular serious adversity in his life), I suggest a couple who intend to get married has sex. Yes, that's what i said. Sex is a very important way of express love/care/adoration to the other person and is also avery important indicator of the deep, unspoken personality. There are some seriously deviant sexual behaviors out there and, frankly I would not want to find out after marriage. Sex is a big indicator of how the man respects the woman, her desires, her needs. Is he selfish? Is he attentive, gentle, giving? I don't care what bigots have to say, sex is part of marital life and should have the same consideration as the other, important, matters.

"Once kids arrive, are you the only one that will get "me" time?"

"Even though we'll be married will I basically be a single parent?"...this one doesn't have to be game changer but they should at least know what they are in for....but don't count on this being an honest answer...that comes once the child is here and you can't his "undo".

Our reverend had us ask these questions of one another:

"What did you learn from your parents marriage that you want to bring into our marriage?"

"What did you learn from your parents marriage that you do NOT want to bring into our marriage?"

"What have you observed about my parents marriage that you like/dislike?"

You can ask all the questions in the world and it really doesn't matter until the question is being answered with life experiences.

Witnessing a person's character in the face of adversity is the truest test of who they are as person.

I agree with the suggestion that you should take the time to really know a person, cohabitating or not, before you make that decision.

Questions you should know the answer to but you can't learn just by asking include:

Will you support me when life is hard?
Will you be respectful and tolerant when we disagree?
Will you shut me out when you are hurting?
Do you mean what you say? Do you follow through on your word?
Can I trust you?

It may sound awful, but I think I would have liked to have asked about the possibility of unknown children turning up. My husband already had two kids, but until it came up in a totally different aspect of our life it never occurred to me that he may have other children he was unaware of. The thought, and the fact that when asked, he did say it was possible was quite scary.

None, we covered all bases. By our second date, we had already discussed our 5 year plans in full detail, and in the next few months we discussed in depth things like: plans on children, getting married (not to each other, just our ideas on marriage in general) working, college, the importance of finances and savings/credit card debt, sex before marriage, morality, family expectations, religion, our expectations of ourselves, stay at home mom vs working moms, marital roles (like does he have lazy man bread winner complex and the woman must be his house slave), politics...

I've known people who have dated for years that still have no clue if their partner ever wants kids, or if they believe in God. People don't know if their husband will help fold laundry or cook with them... It strikes me as odd that people can't just have conversations about important life issues without someone feeling like they are moving too fast. What are they talking about for that long if they aren't at least talking about social issues and things that are important to them? Obviously there must not be any actual depth to the relationship. I do not think this needs to be discovered by living together. Even people who do that still are clueless on many of these important topics. My hubs and I got married 10 months after we met, (now been married for 8 years). We knew each other better than our friends who had been married for years. Also, the statisticians for cohabiting before marriage have a very high breakup and non-committal rate, I would never do it.

Do you know how to throw things away?

Do you know where the washer and dryer are and how they work?

Seriously though- I think asking questions about their beliefs on money (saving money, investing money, and spending what you have) is important. I also think that asking questions about beliefs on baptising their child and punishments for children.

My step mom always told me not to make ANY life choice (marriage included) until you were at least 30. Now, while that didn't actually happen- it was a good goal because the things that I learned between 25 and 30 (heaven knows the things you learn between 20 and 30!!) are soooo huge that I can see her point.

I love the ones posted below!! Those are great! Mommy of 1!!!! you are soooo right!! Not babysitting when you are watching your OWN children!!!

Hi, S. -
We had some pastoral counseling sessions before getting married, and it was really helpful. The Pastor had a lot of "test" questions that we had to answer about ourselves and about each other. It was really an eye-opener. I would recommend that any couple get pre-marital counseling. In terms of specific questions I would have asked, there is only one that tripped hubby and I up, and it was about kids. We never really talked about it. We both just sort of assumed we would, but never made a plan. The years went by, and long story short, I ended up having my three children VERY late in life. It was like we both suddenly woke up at 40 and said "Wait!!" We never had our kids!"
So.... the question I would like my daughters to ask is "do you want a family?" "How large a family would you like to have?" "When would you like us to start our family?".
What a great idea, Mom, to help your girls find marriages that will last.
Good luck.

how much debt do you have? what are your prospects for jobs? how is your family going to deal with giving advice on how WE raise OUR kids?
If i was ever raped, what would ou do? how would you feel? (big question cause some guys might think that the girl like dit/or might get disgusted and leave the girl)

When I got married, I knew to the cent how much money my husband made and what his debt was and vice-versa. We also talked about how many kids we wanted and our discipline strategy. Always examine the relationship between a son and his mother. You want a good relationship, but not a dependent relationship. My sister's MIL is so dependent on her son, that is has on more than one occasion come between the marriage. The MIL doesn't understand why her son can't drop everything and be at her beckon call anytime she "needs" him. He would drop my sister for his mom before they got married and it should of been a sign that he would do it after they got married. As a wife you should be the most important woman in your husband's life, if you not, there's a problem. The best piece of advice I got, was to treat your husband like you would want someone to treat your son, and treat your wife like you would want someone to treat your daughter. If there behavior is not good enough for your kid, it's not good enough for you.

Honestly, nothing.
I was with DH 6 years before we got married, and we lived together for a year prior. There were literally zero surprises for us.

My advice to my daughter will be to do that first.

I know some religions don't agree with cohabitating, but I personally believe that you learn a LOT about a person by living with them.

In our per-wedding counseling by the priest we took the Meyers Briggs personality test. The actual test is not that crucial, but what he did was read my results and ask me if I agreed with them and then asked my husband if he agreed. He then read hubbie's results and asked the same questions. It triggered a lot of good discussions. Also questions about children, money, taking care of aging parents, what if kids have birth defects or life long illnesses. Some exercises like what would you take with you if you were stranded on a deserted island - again, not for the actual things but the ensuing discussion about what is important to us. We also drew our families that we grew up in and then discussed how we drew them (horizontal, vertical, father bigger than mom or not, etc.). Nothing had any definitive answer, but it started a lot of discussions that we had not had over dinner and drinks.
I tell my girls to marry a man who makes them laugh since I did. I always dreamed of marrying a man who would ballroom dance with me (since my parents did so beautifully) but while he hates to dance, he is the perfect guy for me with his outgoing personality, full of optimism and cheerfulness.

The only ones i can think of are funny, not sure they would be helpful.

There is a good book that I purchased from Amazon for myself (even though I was married). My husband and I were surprised to find that we had discussed most of it. The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do"

A good read before or even after marriage.

Talk about politics and can you live with each other if you are on 2 different sides. This may change over the years, but ....
1. Can you agree to disagree and still be happy with each other?

MONEY, MONEY, and MONEY!!!! Saving, investing, debt, spending, anything and everything to do about money.
1. How much of each paycheck is saved?
2. How much is too much? What amount should be discussed before spending? (we agree to discuss anything over $200)
3. Do you have debt? How much, what for, etc?

How you will discipline and raise your children?
1. Do you handle with spanking or ignoring the behavior? BIG problem if you are on opposite ends of this one.

Finding out how they spend money is the first thing that comes to my mind. Money is the cause of more than 50% of divorces, so both need to be on the same page in that regard. Also, if there are any habits the man has now, don't assume it will stop ANY time after getting married. For example, if he smokes now, you are marrying a smoker, plain and simple. Find out about any habits you can't put up with because you won't change him later.

http://wwnh.wordpress.com is CHOCK-FULL of wisdom from an older gentleman (now in his 80s, I think) for women and young women. I can only wish I had that advice (and had listened to it) while growing up. Even though I was "a good kid" and had few regrets, and my marriage is solid, I think it could have been even better had I known these things in my teens and 20s.

We went to premarital counseling, and the 5 things she said were disagreements were: Money, Sex, Kids, In Laws, housework.

Being married for 8 years now, it sure does help when he knows how to do basic stuff around the house....lawn, plumbing, computer, car etc....these are practical skills that a lot of men losing.

It isn't only specific questions though it is good to discuss many of the topics mentioned on other posts. You need to date long enough to really know one another. I dated my husband 6 years and lived together for the last 18 months or so. 2 things that decided me--we almost broke up because we were had a long distance for several months but when we saw each other we knew we wanted to be together enough to work past the distance. The other thing was we took a 2 week camping road trip and managed to get along with the exception of one disagreement about when to stop for dinner the second to last day. To me that was a good test of our getting along. So far so good (9 years).

Great Idea!
I wish i would have stuck with my gut feeling of once a cheater always a cheater. Morals
religious-- do you want to go church, religion, raising kids in the church.
how many kids?
Do you want two incomes? Or shall someone stay home with the kids?
What is your credit score? Do you want to rent or buy a house?
Should we combine bank accounts? Have seperate? or both?