Question for Single Mamas

S. - You are a good friend to be telling your single mother friend the truth about her boyfriend. I was a single mother for 5 years and it is a tough road, especially when you introduce someone new into your children's life. A couple of thoughts came to my mind when I read your note. First, your friend should tell the psychologist about the things that her daughter has gone through, including the incident with the boyfriend. It sounds like her daughter is confused and most likely depressed. Kids are too often mis-diagnosed with ADHD (my son was), but her daughter probably could benefit from some therapy. They can do wonderful things with play therapy with kids her daughter's age. I had both my kids in therapy over the years and it has helped tremedously. Second piece of advice is don't date men who are not going to be sensitive to your child. The reaction by this man tells me that he probalby is struggling with the fact that she has a child and how that plays in their relationship. If he is not willing to talk about it without anger or even willing to go with them to therapy if needed, then he is not worth it. There are men who are wonderful step dads (I married one), but it takes a lot of hard work. While he is not (and never will be) her daughter's father, they are a package deal and he can't have your friend without her daughter. It might also be a good idea to have your friend see a therapist. Sometimes talking things out with an objective person can be really helpful.

well, obviously you are either close enough to be present to witness the interaction you described or your friend is confident that she can confide things about her relationship that bother her.

I can guarantee this: if you choose to give her advice, make sure it's always from your opinion perspective and not "you should do this." I say this because no matter what, your advice to her will be WRONG. It won't matter if it's well thought out, from the heart, honest, or objective. If she takes it and it doesn't work out, which is likely the case if she's been with him for 2 years, you were the bad one for convincing her. If she ignores your considerate advice, you will become irritated and will resent the friendship.

The only thing that I would ever point out in a situation like that is to build on your friend's strengths (which appear to be many and diverse) and also point out that the family structure she has set up means that this guy has a role to play in her child's life and it's probably time to figure out what exactly that role is.

Whatever you do, don't point out that he seems to be a jerk, that the kid looks like she's going to be troubled and looking for love in all the wrong places, or that she may be playing out a family pattern from her own life. Also, do not tell her to see a therapist. Instead, share insights you may have gotten from your own (or a make believe friend if you don't know anyone) therapeutic treatments. If she starts with herself, it's not a stretch for her to get her child into care.

Build on the strengths of her character.

Just keep loving and supporting your friend. Keep lifting her up as a friend and a mother when you can. Encourage her to just tell her daughter like it is. Just tell the girl the truth. Children understand more than we give them credit for. I finally had to tell my daughter about why her father wasn't around at 6. I just her that her father chose not to be with us, and that he didn't know how to love. At the time I was dating someone who wanted to be a father figure. Too bad this guy isn't more supportive, but there's not much you can do about that.

From experience - tell her to move on!!!!

If she does stay with him her daughter will definately struggle especially if she has a kid with this jerk!!!

My heart breaks for that poor little girl! What a jerk! That mother should kick that idiot out of her life immediately, but she probably won't. That's why women shouldn't just randomly date guys when they have kids. And the repercussions of it are already happening in the little girl's behavior. It will be worse when she's a teen.

Oh, and this is how the mother should explain to her daughter that he's not her daddy, she should say, "he's not your daddy, he's just some guy I'm screwing."

What people do to their kids makes me so MAD!!!!!

It sounds like they could use some family counseling rather than trying to put it all on the little girl! That aside, my husband and I met 8 years ago when my girls were 2 and 3. Mind you, they knew who there "real" daddy was, but when they were at a point where they wanted to call him "daddy" he was uncomfortable at first. He didn't get mad, but he did correct them. We didn't get married until the girls were 6 and 7 and now we are one happy family and most would never know to look at my husband and the way he treats our girls that he is a step-father. I don't know what other issues there might be, but ultimately it is up to your friend to decide what's best and there is always 2 sides to every story.
There were times when we needed counseling to help us through some tough times (individual, couples, and family) and I'm sure there will be more in the future. This could help their situation especially with helping her daughter understand the truth about her father which maybe she doesn't need to know the whole of it just yet.
I am concerned that at the tender age of 4 the teachers are already trying to diagnose her as having ADHD. My eldest daughter was diagnosed with it at 9 which is a more common age for it to be more clear. I don't know what your friend's daughter's behaviors are, but I would recommend a few books for mom to get a little more educated about ADHD. One book is from a more traditional approach called, "Taking Charge of ADHD" by Russell A. Barkley. It will help clarify the symptoms and clinical approaches to ADHD. The other two I find more positive and helpful in understanding and having compassion for children with ADHD, "the Gift of ADHD" by Lara Honos-Webb and "The Edison Gene-ADHD and the Gift of the Hunter Child" by Thom Hartmann.
Personally, I refused to put my daughter on drugs, but instead put her in the Waldorf school, give her plenty of creative outlets, give her lots of positivity and choices to empower her (more praise and love than punishment) and keep refined sugars to a minimum and added Omega 3-6-9 to her diet. Now it is very hard to tell she has ADHD, she compensates for it pretty well and is happy, healthy, enthusiastic, getting good grades in school and VERY well behaved. (At the age of 4 she was very angry, bullied, and didn't listen to commands well at all) Sorry about the ADHD soap box, but I think people are too quick to jump to conclusions when a child doesn't behave "perfectly."