Question for Parents with an Adopted Child

L.,
I was not adopted nor do I have an adopted child. I feel that Lyn is very right how she speaks of not knowing. I knew a girl that felt the same way in High School. If you would like to still send pictures I would recommend telling her that you wish to communicate through the mail and will send pictures only. Get more than one address for her family and a few family members so maybe later in life in your child chooses to find his/her birth family that it is possible. It sounds like you have all of that information. As far as telling the birthmother. I would say to tell her that you feel more comfortable not speaking to her. Or that you would rather correspond through the mail only. Whichever option it is that you choose for your family. I wish you the best in everything.

I would send pictures and be pleasant if she calls but keep the conversations short and uninvolved.
she will get the idea
if not write and say you were advised by the agency / experts or whomever that too much contact blurs the line and prevents you all getting on with your chosen roles.

This was our biggest concern when we first looked into adoption. We had heard a lot of stories of adoptive parents who became good friends with the birth parents and knew that just wouldn't be us. So I empathize with you. We wound up not going through with it because we didn't feel strong enough to deal with all of the emotional issues.

You are completely within your rights to "sever" ties with her but can't there be a happy medium? Calls every 4-6 weeks seem excessive, though I think that a phone call around birthday time and yearly photos would be nice. What strikes me is that if she is calling this often and asking for pictures, she probably hasn't gone through the greif proccess yet which will make it impossible for her to move on. Perhaps instead of jumping all of a sudden to yearly calls or photos you can ask her to not call for 3 months, then six months, and so on. Having more time between calls would force her to grieve and hopefully she would grow from that and move on.
Don't shut the door on her though. If she can in fact grow from this experience, once she moves on the calls may not be so uncomfortable anymore. And they will probably be less frequent.

Maybe you and your husband and the birth mother could all see a family counselor who deals with adoption situations. Or you and your husband could just go to get ideas on how to approach her.

L.,

I have a 11 month old son whom I adopted at birth. Just this last weekend I took him to Arizona to visit his birthparents. It was the first time his birthfather saw him (since birth), and the third time his birthmother saw him.

I too grapple with the uncomfortable feeling, as it is clear that his birthparents love him very much - and continue to be conflicted over their decision. HOWEVER, I continue to maintain contact because I truly believe that this is best for my child. I cannot imagine what he would think of me if he found out that I kept him from having a relationship with them. I want him to know that he was not rejected by them, that he was deeply loved, but that they just couldn't care for him at that time in their lives. I don't think you can say this if they are absent. Also, I don't want there to be any mystery about his origin, and want him to be able to address questions that may be posed by other people.

My suggestion (this is what I did) is that you be 100% honest with them. Tell her that you feel uncomfortable because you're not sure how to handle this, and that you'd like to work out a system with timing so you can still keep in touch, but not have it interfere with your lives on a daily level. Propose a plan that works for you and ask her what she thinks. Maybe schedule a call and send pictures every 4 months, with a visit once a year...?

Good luck - and let me know what you do.

It's difficult, I know!

This is definitely a hard one.....Things have changed so much, and I don't think there is an easy way out of this. You actually have the legal right to severe ties with the mother and yet, these days, many adopted children eventually want to know their birth parents and are likely to rekindle relationships. Although I have not adopted a child, I do know that it is not much different from relationships that occur with extended or blended families. Without understanding all that is, personally, I don't think pushing her out of the picture benefits any of you. You can however set limits, and establish a relationship based on those limits. She is the biological mother but you and your husband are mommy and daddy. Your baby will eventually grow-up and the choice will be up to them, and this is the gray area. Do you stop communicating with her all together and not tell your child he or she was adopted, will you need (for medical or otherwise) the mother? In today's day and age, and for the sole purpose of raising your child well, you have to take into consideration all the other aspects.

Perhaps you can have her over a couple of times a year, have her establish a relationship for the sake of what's to come and the inevitability of you baby growing up. You are legally this child's parents and although I totally empathize with your feelings, how you may approach it may make all the difference in the world. Although some children may never want or need anything from their biological parents, statiscally, the majority do inquire about them, they want to know, that's just a fact. You cannot deny this for them, not if you love them. You can control the extent of your obligation though, you can control and limit the biological mother's expectations and demands to meet the need of you and your family's wellness. You are this child's parent now in all aspects and the two of you can move on with your lives, you had and have the power to do this at any time, even at this moment. You just have to realize that overall the obligation is not to her, it is to your baby, and with that in mind, discuss the details with your husband and set the ground rules from there.....DONE DEAL.....If I for whatever reason gave up my baby, my motherly instinct would far surpass any logical reaction so expect things to get harder before they get better, but they will get better when you realize this is not a dilema just another responsibility associated with being a parent! GOOD LUCK! May God Bless you and your newly found FAMILY!

Oh and one more thing....Your motherly instincts have kicked in.....you can tell by the tone of your request, biological or not, you're in! We're here and I hold up my hand to all my sisters in this universe who try to make the world a better place one little angel at a time! PEACE!

I'm the mother of a 2 year old whom we adopted from birth.

Honestly, if you cut off contact she wont know if her child is okay, and what her child is up to or how things are going with babe.

Some mothers who relinquish go into a depression when they dont know where their child is or how their child is.

Is she dangerous to you and the child? If not, then why not keep the door open? Maybe she doesnt automatically ask about the child because she's still coping with having relinquished.

It is not easy--my son's first mother even said to me that the first year after he was born was very very hard for her. She had to deal with the emotional and physiological after-effects of having carried a baby and then this baby isn't in her arms anymore.

She loves our son and feels that she made the best decision, yet it didn't erase the pain for her...plus I am more than happy to continue to send pics no matter what.

Imagine that your child is adopted and raised by someone else and your ability to get pics and be in contact is determined by whether the aparents feel uneasy with you or change their mind and close contact. Maybe she is careful around you due to knowing that you have the power to cut off contact and information from her on how her child's doing.

By the way I have friends who are adoptees who are in contact with their first mother. And knowing them I can tell it was important to them that they had that contact as adults.

By all means, you can take a break and then re-visit contact with her again--its normal for people to go back and forth between being in contact and long periods of time of not being in contact.

Good luck!

Hi L.,

My husband and I adopted our son at birth, too. He's now 16 months old. We were also sending pictures every few months for the first year but, like you, would like to bring an end to that if possible. Our birth mom never wavered from her decision about adoption -- but the facilitator that we used calls every couple of months with a guilt trip about sending updates. Maybe the next time she calls you can simply tell her how great the baby's doing, ask her how her life is going and offer encouragement to keep her moving forward and not looking back on her decision.

I agree with you that moving forward is best for everyone. We'll never lie to our son about his adoption -- but we don't make a big deal out of it, either. And the birth mom has two other children who really need her. Our greatest wish for her is that she gets her life together and is able to be there for her daughters.

Hang in there.

Hi L.
I am not a parent of an adopted child but I was adopted. My birth mother and mom went their own ways after I was born. My birth mother and mom were best friends. My parents planned on raisng me without ever telling me that I was adopted but I was told at an early age that I was adopted. I can give you a perspective of being adopted and maybe that will help you with your situation. As an adopted child, the parents who raised me are the only parents I know and I have no desire to call my birth mother "mom" but I do want to know her and all my siblings. I'd like to know all of my family history, who they are , where did they come from, all the family history that most every one I know has. I don't have that history and it makes me feel lost and like an outsider from my family that I was raised with. I personally wished that my mom would have stayed in contact with my birth mom so I could have the answers to all the questions I have about who I am ....I don't really even know what nationality I am. I hear my husbands family tell stories about their great-great grand parents and their journey to America.....I feel so resentful when I hear those stories because I don't know my family story. It's a major hole in my life. This is what it's like for me, an adopted child, I'm 44 now, but I've spent 44 years wondering about my family history and my family stories. I wish you luck with your situation....I hope this helps you with your decision. L. K.