Question for Moms with Teenage Daughters

I am reading a book called "Boundaries for Teens" by John Townsend and Henry Cloud. It would be helpful for her to read then she can see why the teen acts the way she does and how to rebuild a relationship with her. It's helping me!

I am going to try to be as nice about this as I can.

Your friend needs counseling for several reasons, including:
#1 the emotional issues she is having.
#2 for the hell she must be putting her teenage daughter through. I had a parent like this, it is called CONTROLLING. It is psychologically damaging to the child. She should be ashamed of herself.

As her friend, all you can do is suggest it might help her to talk to someone about the way she is feeling. You may not get far though... often times these personalities think they are fine and everyone else is the problem.

Good luck.

She needs counseling.
LBC

I dont think you should bring up the subject unless your friend does. She is hurting because her daughter has chosen to go live with her dad. She needs time to wrap her mind and heart around it. If you talk cavalierly about her daughter, the mom is feeling left out of the loop. You are rubbing salt in her wound. I would softly encourage her to get a facebook account because communicating with her daughter over the internet might be the loophole she needs, but I wouldnt rush her into it at this juncture. Teen aged daughter is posturing, trying to find some control of her own, no different than a 3 year old. Mom's have to be patient with both of those ages.

this is part of the mourning process and anger to a child going to the other side so to speak. mother is hurting deeply, its like all that work for nothing, but the child will come back. my sister said the same thing, in done being a parent, its just a way of coping cause she has no child to parent.

i wouldnt be so nonchalant about this, she needs support of a different kind, she doesnt want to hear about how happy her child is and having fun and all without her. get my drift?

Your friend is depressed and no wonder.. It sounds like she was probably depressed before her daughter left to live with her father.. Her daughter may have realized something was not right.

There is no shame. This is a physiological problem. She needs to get a full physical and then she needs to see a therapist.

She deserves to be healthy physically and mentally..

We never know what goes on in any one else's home, even if we are their very best friends..

Please stop bringing up her daughter and instead focus on her health. She needs a friend that is there for her. Everything that is said to her may feel like judgement, even if it is not meant that way..

Find a way to express you are on her side and are not judging, but mainly concerned about this friend.. Drop the daughter talk right now..

It is good you are keeping up with the daughter. If the daughter reaches out to you, do not take sides.. ever.. There are no right or wrong in their relationships.. There is each persons version and if you get pulled into judging or taking sides.. you will be in a terrible spot.

Oh that poor lady - my heart goes out to her! It sounds like her daughter is her only child. I had such rough teenage years with my daughter (only child-single parent) and I lived in fear that she would go live with her dad so I can just imagine how much she is hurting. My daughter and I were so close when it was her and I against the world and then the teenage years really hit our relationship hard. Your friend needs to talk to other moms who have been through this. You know looking back on everything I now think it wouldn't have been the end of the world if she went to live with her dad during that time of her life. My daughter will be 35 this year. There are so many parent opportunities through college and even when they are on their own calling you for recipes and needing you to help hang curtains and then struggling with the "adult daughter"/mom relationship issues. There is so much ahead of her, this time period will look like a blip on the screen in the rear view mirror...and believe me my daughter and I spent the years from 14 through 19 mad at each other much of the time. It's a blip. Why don't you tell her about this site so she can get in touch with others who have been through this? She is still a mama, a very special mama. And as a side note, when you are really down and out, when others tell you to buck up and that you're really lucky...sometimes it sounds like they are trivalizing the trauma you feel. This woman is probably getting up with a hole in her heart every day. I think you are her friend so let her grieve - she has suffered a loss. Then throw out positive advice here and there - like you are not alone, this happens to a lot of single moms during the teenage years, maybe encourage her to look into ways to maximize your relationship, stress that she hasn't failed anything. Tell her this is a lifetime relationship. Maybe she can plan a vacation with her daughter. Do they have any common interests? Maybe they can volunteer at the humane society together. Start brainstorming relationship building activities with her. Please give her my very best wishes.

She needs counseling, big time. I don't know if there really is anything you can do as a friend. She has pretty much driven her daughter away with her behavior. If that didn't drive her to find help I don't see anything getting her there.

Your friend is not depressed, she is controlling. She is controlling you with her statements. She wants to be the victim and you are allowing her to be the victim. Not that it is easy but I would tell her to get help and you will not talk to her until she does. As long as she can find people to enable her behavior she will not seek help.

If she was overprotective and sheltering, maybe she was too involved and cannot handle a teenager's natural inclination to pull away (as part of growing up). I can understand being really torn up if your child moves away (regardless of where) and you weren't ready for it. But I also think that wallowing after a certain point is just perpetuating her own issues and it's no longer about the child. Your friend needs a hobby other than her child or grieving about her child. Her child is not GONE just relocated. It can be really hard to step back from your kid (we went through this when SS went to college) but you have to redefine the relationship or lose it, IMO.

On the flip side, if she absolutely refuses not to dwell, I might ask her 1) what do you get out of this? and 2) I will no longer discuss this with you. I had to pull the plug on talking with a friend about her grandmother for a while because she knew what I thought but didn't want to do it. So we had to not discuss it. If she brings up her kid to get your sympathy, you can say, "I don't know why you're bringing this up. You get angry with me when I talk to you about your daughter and you don't seem to want to get to a healthier place so I will not discuss her with you."

It is not your job to mend the rift. Your friend doesn't seem to want it.

Good advice so far. Your friend just needs time. If she doesn't want to hear things, then don't tell her. As was said below, this will all be a blip someday.

It doesn't sound like the daughter is pining for her mother right now, so your friend doesn't need to be parenting at this point.

Wow, this woman has some very serious issues, and she will be the fault if her relationship fails with her child. No wonder the daughter chose to go live with her dad. I would suggest to your friend that it sounds like she could benefit from talking with a counselor. Also, stop bringing up her daughter. Just be a constant for her as she navigates through this. Why would you continue to bring it up to her? I know you have good intentions, but stop for now until she is more stable and willing to talk.

Maybe she is done being a parent. Maybe she should be - she sounds mentally ill. Glad to know she's in counseling.

Maybe the right response is either to agree with her (yes, you sound done, what will you do now?) or not say anything.

You can't force her to do what you want her to do or whatever is the right thing. She has to figure that out for herself - she might never figure it out though. Can you accept that? If you can't, you should put some distance between the two of you.

when i sent my daughter to live out in ham lake with her dad at 14-the cities were just to much-and with 2 teenagers-it was time for disneyland dad to pitch in and help-although i knew this was the best decision-it was also the hardest-i went thru pure hell-it didnt help that her dad n wife were constantly bashing me-told the school that i was dead-yep so i had to go prove i was alive-it was crazy-but in time we got thru it-shes just gonna have to buck up n deal with it.just tell her to give her daughter space n go live her life.my kids are now 30-and your rite your NEVER done being a parent-my daughter n i are extremly close...maybe just let her be for a while to work thru it.

You stated in your post that the mother has "been very verty over protectigve and sheltering". Her daughter has probably tried to ask her mom for a little extra space and mom would not let go. Yes controlling is the word here. So the daughter went to live with dad to get a balance of being a teenaged kid and not having someone constantly hovering over her.

Mom has done more bad than good but can see it as she is in the forest and can't see the daylight. Keeping and controlling a child can cause rebellion in many forms (running away, pregnancy, hanging out with the wrong crowd) and so far she seems to have avoided all of this.

Don't bring up the child to the mom as she says she is done with parenting so go with that. When the mom mentions the child advise her that she is done with parenting. Hopefully mom will seek counseling and try to find hobbies to fill in the void of no kid around.

Keep up with the daughter but don't tell mom. If this doesn't work you may have to distance yourself from her because she will put a dark cloud over on you and bring you down with her.

Life is too short to wallow in the "what ifs and I should haves" once a decision has been made that you did not make. Learn to roll with the punches of life and it will get easier.

Her daughter will probably come back to her in a few years with a different perspective about life. She is trying to find herself and what she wants and being with mom won't let her.

My best to you, your friend and her daughter.

The other S.

PS Sometimes when you keep them too close the world falls apart. I have a friend that did that and all four of their daughters went in different directions in life.

It is going to take time for your friend to figure this out and adjust. Therapy can help and so does your support as her friend. I wouldn't bring up her daughter unless she asks you. This is all so new to her and her daughter. Your friend will find a way to communicate with her daughter. This is one of those things that happens when parents are divorced. Kids play sides. Hopefully, her daughter will be the one who comes to mama rather than mama going to the daughter. My daughter went to live with her dad four years ago because she thought the grass was greener on the other side. As soon as she was ready to come back, I told her that she couldn't. As painful as it was, I knew that she had to learn that if you make decisions, you suffer the consequences. That was the best thing I ever could do for her. My daughter has grown and matured so much from all of this. She's learned that she cannot call the shots and she's learned to have to live with her dad because the buck stops there. Teens are self-centered for the most part, they don't get it. I don't think these kids often realize how much pain this causes their moms until they have children of their own. I always thought of my situation as an early empty nest syndrome. Eventually, our children leave to pursue their own lives; some just do it before the age of 18.

Hope this helps some:)

It is heartbreaking to have your child decide to move out when they aren't adults yet. My daughter moved out the day she turned 18 and I cried for months afterwards. I knew it was rebellion and knew she had to find out it isn't so fun out on her own. Your friends daughter feels a loss that is almost like a death to her. My daughter and I were a lot closer after she moved out on her own once I got passed the feeling slapped in the face over her moving out like she did. My daughter eloped with a guy much older then she is a year ago and I was again so angry and hurt. I found out about it on Facebook. Then a month after she eloped my youngest son was killed in a car accident and I realized that there is things much worse then my daughter marrying someone I didn't like. I accepted her husband because I wasn't going to lose my daughter too, especially by my own actions. Her husband has been a great source of support for her and for us and is always here to help out when we need it. We are thankful for him now. Talk with your friend and encourage her to mend her relationship with her daughter and to get past the hurt and feeling betrayed. Remind her that there is times that people never get the chance to make amends with loved ones and she wouldn't want to lose her daughter or her daughter lose her and not have the chance to amend the differences. Don't tell her that she is wrong to feel the way she does because she isn't wrong, she just needs to accept those things she can't change and know that she has chosen to lose her daughter in her life, her daughter only changed residence, not decides she wasn't her mom anymore. Tell her that it is now time she friends her daughter and she will soon be coming around again and perhaps even decide to move back home if she isn't feeling smothered.