Question for Moms of 2 or More

You might always worry more about him more, if he is more fragile. That is normal and perfectly ok. And as he grows he might become a lot less fragile, and then you will stop worrying.

I just had this conversation with my mother the other evening. She comforted me and told me it was perfectly normal that I hardly worry about my youngest (3 next month), but my 7 year keeps me awake at night. My youngest just has that easy going personality, takes everything in stride, easy to console, laughs so easily at life, etc. My 7yo has ADHD and severe anxiety. He's very smart and talented, but it is so hard for him to get through a day without some sort of break down. I am constantly worried about his future and providing him with a healthy, functioning adult life. And yes, he has always been this way. My husband and I have 5 families between us and for my 7yo's first Christmas, he screamed through the whole thing. Any time someone would get excited and get loud over a present, he would freak at the noise level. I eventually had to just sit in a bedroom and play with him. He has gotten better, but we still avoid large crowds and loud events.

So, anyway, you are normal. :-)

Hi,
I totally know what you mean ...I am a mother of 3 children (girl 4 years, boy 2 years old and 6 months old baby boy).
I worry the most about our 2 year old. I think it is because we almost lost him when he was 9 days old, horrible experience..He used to be ill also many many times and probably that is why I worry so much ? I notice that I am more relaxed about my other children. He is now a healthy wonderful boy, loving life, NO FEAR at all and I keep telling him everyday "be carefull, don't run so fast" which is of course no effect on him at all... lol. I guess I will be always more worry about him. Of course it does not mean I love him more than my other children. I truly love them all the same and nothing comes first before those kids. My husband tells me sometimes that I have to learn to let go....that he is not baby anymore. But I just can not help it. I will always worry about him more, I guess. I totally understand you, please do not feel guilty, you are an excellent mother!

Hi Mandy, As the mother of 5, I know that some children need more than others. Some more attention, more care. My first was always a worrier and I was afraid he would have ulsers by the time he was 10! HE is still the most concerned and responsible (at43) There is no doubt your first needed more attention and you as his mom understand this, I cannot tell you how to feel but you are not doing anything wrong, just attending to each child as you see fit. Keep up the good work... and it is work :-) the rewards are great!! :-0 Grandma Mary

I have a similar situation. I have three children, an older daughter (age 7) and twin boys (age 4). When the twins were 4 months old, one of them had a heart problem that required him to be in the ICU for a week and on medication for another 7 months. He is totally fine now (the twins are 4 1/2 years old now) but I still feel like I give him some extra attention and just worry about him more. I guess because he's kind of like the "underdog," if you know what I mean. I check on all of my kids at night, but I really spend more time hovering over his bed. I guess that must be normal... if one child is more sickly (even though my little guy isn't sick any more), it's natural to check that one more often and to worry more over every little thing.
I don't think it has anything to do with being your first child. It has more to do with the fact that he has (or has had) health issues.

Totally Normal... I have 4 kids, My 6 year old daughter I check on all the time. The other ones have some medical issues, but she has alot! So I always find myself checking her more than the others. She has GERD, Chronic Constipation, severe Asthma, Failure to Thrive with enzyme deficency, ADHD and Allergies. My oldest daughter has Asthma, (but it is well controlled) enlarged bladder & kidneys, Allergies and when she was younger had VUR, but had surgery to correct it. She also had chronic ear infections, but had ear tubes put in.... then there is my oldest son; who is in the spectrum for Autism, has Sensory Intergration Dysfunction & is allergic to heat (wierd allergy I know but its true, he gets Hives when his body gets hot, he takes 3 different medications to help controll it). My youngest son so far is healthy as could be. Its just that my little girl snowballs so qucik, a minor cold can turn in to a massive infection in the blink of an eye... So dont feel guilty! Mothers love their children the same ammount, just in different ways.

Yup!!!! :)

My 2 1/2 year old is still high needs and my 6 month old is way more relaxed and is happy to be put down here and there, whereas my 2 1/2 year old never was.

I love them both equally, but I have a feeling that my older son will always "need" me in different ways than my first. The way that I feel better about this is to wear my second son in a carrier as much as possible so that no matter what or when or where, he is still with me.

Of course, he's not as into the carrier as #1 was, so he does get put down a bit, whereas number 1 never ever wanted to be out of my sight.

For example, I went to bed with #1 (we coslept) for 15 months.....he nursed all night and wanted to be with mama. My second one is happy to go to bed (in our bed still) all alone and I join him after I've had a few hours to have a life! :)

Hang in and I think it's totally normal. I'd give my life for both of my kiddos.....but they have totally different needs on some level.

Mandy, I have a 4 1/2 yo son and a 22 mo daughter and I still check on my son before my daughter (although I have taken the monitor out of his room, when he was about 4, she still has one). I think it is very normal to worry more about the unknown, (eg - the older child) as you have never been thru those experiences yet). I find that I am much more comfortable with the phases my daughter is going thru since I have been there already, not to say that it is the same (she started her terrible 2s at 12 months and is still going thru them, where my son did not start them until 2 1/2 and finished them around 3 1/2). Of course you love your children equally and you expressing the way you feel demonstrates that even more. Just know that you will always do what is right for your children as they are your precious gifts.

You can see from the other responses that your totally normal and I know it's hard to not feel guilty. I am thankful that you asked this question. I was wondering the exact same thing and was overwhelmed with guilt about two weeks ago for the exact same reason. My three year old is fiercly independent and can be at times a really big bully and mean to her older sister. My six year old is very sensitive, very dependent, has language delays and suffers from low self esteem. I find myself protecting my six year old from my three year old and I hate that I feel that way. I don't want my three year old to feel has if I favor my six year old because I truly love them equally. It's just that my six year old breaks down very easily and my three year old is constantly pushing her buttons. I asked many of my friends the same question and they told me it was normal the way I was feeling but the answers to your questions really hit it home for me. Good luck and now you know your not alone.

Kids are different and need different types of our attention. It may change as they both get older. Have you considered putting them in the same room? We have 2 kids 20 mos apart and we put them together when the baby was about 8 weeks and they love it.

Please don't worry!! I have an almost 6 year old, a 4 year old, and a 3 month old. My oldest has always had bronchial issues. He gets a cold and it turns into pneumonia, bronchitis, etc. My middle has always been healthy as a horse. I always seem to worry about the oldest more. In fact, this fall, my oldest got a cold, ended in a cough. Made a dr. apt. Took him, but he ended up being fine. My middle got the same thing, but ended up with a double ear infection. I felt so bad, because I didn't take him to the doc sooner. I just think as moms, we respond to each child differently because they are all so different. I love them all three with my whole heart, and would lay down my life for them, but as a mom, I know them, and generally know when who needs what. Such as, my middle needs more attention than my oldest, who has always been laid back and self pacifying. My middle one wants to be played with constantly. When big brother is at school, I constantly entertain him. The oldest will play in his room with dinosaurs and you would never know he is here. I am anxious to find out what my new little guy turns out to be!

So, no worries. You are doing fine. Your kids will know you love them. Just make sure (which I'm sure you will) to always carve out special time for each of them. Also, I think that first one will always have a special bond. The first one you carried, the first one you gave birth to, etc. But once again, it doesn't mean you love either more or less. It just means they are all different.

***Also, check out the book, "I Love You the Purplest" It's all about a mom loving each of her sons for their own unique abilities, and relating this to them. I think you'll love it, and your kids will, too!

I have four and I worry so much about my oldest and number three. they are 21 and 12 and I still worry. Yes the other two I love to death and would do anything for them but they are not as emotionally fragile or physically incapable.
When my oldest went to knidergarten I cried for two days, when he went to bootcamp I cried for two weeks. When my next one went to school I knew she had the capabilities to handle anythign that came her way and I sent her off with a smile. I also know that she will do well in any college she so chooses or if she wants to do the military thing she will do tha well too. I don't have to worry incessantly with her.
INcidently number one was 3 pounds and preemie and number three was sickly. My second and fourth were very healthy babies. It's jsut natural to worry more about the ones who may need more care.