My husband has done a LOT of maturing in the last year, to the point where I really hardly recognize him compared to the guy he was before. We have a 3 year old boy and a baby on the way and although it took him about 2 years to "get with the program", he's one of the most loving and involved dads I've ever seen. He's gone from someone who has been notoriously self-centered and a bit greedy to getting EXCITED about buying me a fairly expensive "mommy car" so that the "kids are safe and you all are comfortable". WHAT!? I love my husband but I absolutely never imagined those words coming out of his mouth.
He expressed to me tonight that something has changed for him, that he "gets it", that he finally "understands what it means to feel fulfilled by being a provider".
I realize it's stupid but I can't sleep. I feel a little guilty about the car purchase because it is SO MUCH to my benefit. I am a SAHM, and because of a kind of rough pregnancy I haven't been able to pull my weight as much and he's been busting his butt to take care of things above and beyond his job so part of me feels like I don't deserve something so nice.
Honestly, he does WAY more for us than I could ever hope to repay directly to him as a SAHM. The best I can do is be the best mom I can be to our kids, make sure I honor the sacrifices he makes for us by working so hard, but there's no way I could contribute financially the way he does or contribute in the same way by having to wear so many hats (he goes to work, comes home and helps me and finds time to spend quality time with our son).
I don't want him to get tired of/worn out/burnt out by everything. I'm excited by this new version of him, if that's what you want to call it, but we are in uncharted territory. His father is kind of a selfish kind of guy who always looked out for himself first. There is absolutely NO model in his life for this type of thing.
So, my question is to the dads...do you feel fulfilled by providing for your family? Is your payback for "slaving for a paycheck", taking care of your wife and kids? He used to kind of feel like he was stuck in a grind because of his obligations and so this represents a shift in his thinking to being grateful he has a way to put food on the table and seeing that everything we have is because he has been able to give it us.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
OK, I'm not a man, but at one time I was the main provider. And I was OK with that. I loved coming home to a clean house with dinner on the table and no household chores to do. All I did was go to work and make the money. If that man wasn't an abusive SOB I would have been happy to continue in the provider role, and for a decent and loving relationship, I would gladly do it again.
Mr. Mom shares my thoughts. You HAVE to express how thankful you are to your husband. If he doesn't feel appreciated his newfound self worth will fade fast. Us guys, it really doesn't take much to make us feel special and needed.
If he likes 'things', get HIM something new, it doesn't have to break the budget.
If he likes time with you, set that up. Or just stop him in passing, hold him and say " I really appreciate what you are doing for this family", trust me, it will work.
My wife brings home the bacon, so to the flip side of your question, I frequently thank her for allowing me to take care of things here because I know how much her job means to her. And knowing that she can focus on her job, make me happy!
I just want to tell you that I loved reading your post. You sound so grateful and aware of what your DH is doing for you - and the fact that he is enjoying it. Super nice. I believe my husband enjoys providing for us. I work part time and was the sole breadwinner before kids. We'd always talked about me staying home with the kids long before we had them. Just something we felt strongly about. So, he went back to school when I became pregnant so he would be able to earn enough for all of us.
I also want to point out that you may feel like he is doing more than you are right now, but you are growing a child and taking care of a little one. That is no easy task. Once baby gets here, you will work harder than you ever thought you could. :)
It's not a race or something to constantly compare --- just be grateful and show respect to each other. And, enjoy that new vehicle. :)
I don't slave for the paycheck anymore. My wife does.
When I did work outside the home - I did get burnt out. I didn't like missing soccer games or dance recitals or things at school. Now. I'm there. I love my girls. I loved walking in the door and hearing their screams DADDDDDYYY!!! It made it all worth while.
It's great that you have acknowledged how your husband has "grown up". I am curious, how did you tell him that you noticed?
My hubby works full time over nights and then comes home and sleeps for 3 hours and then gets up and is a stay at home dad while I work. I don't know how he does it. He does a lot of the house work and carts the kids to all there activities. I have tried to get him to work days and then do daycare durring the day so that he does not have to do so much and he can actualy get sleep, but he says he will never go back until the kids are older and do not need him so much. He to was once a very selfish guy and I had to do a lot of growing up to get to this point. I used to feel gulty becasue I come home and feel tired, even though he did twice the work I did. He always tells me it's no big deal becasue he just has fun doing it!! good luck and congrats on the new baby!!!
Just a thought: while you are home, try to conserve his hard-earned money through couponing. You will feel better about taking his support if you know you are contributing in a major way. Couponing and budget shopping can be your part-time job to add to your full-time job as a SAHM.
Build up a small stockpile and match coupons to sales, rebates and store rewards.
There are a lot of couponing sites on the Internet to teach and support your efforts.
I would mention the sites I like, but it may be against the rules of this board. Find couponing sites by using a search engine such as Yahoo! or Google.
Not a Dad, but just curious (as my hubby is still mostly in the self-centered mindset) - did he change all on his own or did you do/say anything to influence him or help him get to that point? If so, could you pass along a few pointers? I'm a bit jealous, LOL. But seriously, you sound very grateful & your post was very refreshing to see! Gives me a little hope ;-)
My husband loves being the provider. He believes it is a part of his "calling", and he would rather work at a job that he hates than to have no job at all. He speaks from experience. About 5 years ago, he went through a period of unemployment (nearly a year), and it was one of the most difficult things for him - mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. He has an excellent job now, even though it may not be a dream job, but he feels fulfilled in providing for his family. What he appreciates from me is respect. Affirm him by acknowledging the shift in his attitude (but don't tell him he used to be selfish, he probably already knows that and doesn't need to be reminded). Brag about him to your friends and in front of his friends. Nag less and pray for him more. And of course, the best affirmation? Sex. :)
Isn't it the best? My husband had a dad who wasn't involved and so from the beginning he made it his mission to provide the best for his daughter by being actively involved. We take a very balanced approach to how we raise our daughter and manage housework since we both work outside the home. I think the best thing was that when our daughter was born we both stayed home one day a week for her first year. It gave us both a perspective for what stay at home parents contribute on a daily basis and how truly hard it can be. I would say show him appreciation but watch how you frame it because things like helping when you're having a difficult pregnancy are things he should be doing regardless.
