Question for All You Teachers - Virginia Beach,VA

It's hard to answer since the only behavior you mention is kissing them on the cheek, which doesn't seem that bad to me. Tell him, honey, don't kiss people on the cheek if they don't like it.

"He is an only child"...............that means NOTHING. Plenty of children with siblings have issues adjusting to school/preschool.

Get that only child syndrome out of your head. I have an only child so the "syndrome" people that judge really irk me. Our almost 16 yr od is very well adjusted and I see a lot more kids from broken homes, homes with siblings that are far more self absorbed and unruly than some of the only children I know (and have)

In elementary school....we use behavior charts. Children are rewarded for GOOD behavior, staying on tasks, keeping hands to themselves, not disrupting class, etc. This chart stays with them all day and it is signed off by each teacher or class the child is in, including PE, and extras.

The chart is copied and sent home with the child daily. When they receive a certain number of "smileys", they go to the treasure box. These kids thrive on this process.

There is constant communication with parents. I don't understand why your school would keep you out of that line of communication.

I do suggest the positive reward system. I've seen it work wonders at elementary school.

And for your "only" child..... Maybe he is not being challenged because he is challenged at home mentally and the behavior is offsetting his boredom at school.

Best wishes to you.

Honestly, there is *almost* NOTHING that you can do.

Infractions need to be dealt with AS they happen. Not 4 hours later. How well does it go at home if your toddler gets in trouble 4 hours after something happens? They're sad you're unhappy but the "connect" between what they did wrong and being punished for it just doesn't click unless it's right then. They just feel bad. Not correct. It's the teacher's job to be guiding, teaching, disciplining As Things Occur. If they CAN'T be doing those things fluidly and calmly, you really don't want that individual teaching your child.

Which leads me to point #2. I strongly urge you NOT to punish twice. More than anything else... in encourages lying &/or avoiding talking with parents about things they aren't proud of and could really use some guidance on.

But back to the little that one CAN do as a parent:

- Gentle reminders before school (Remember, if you want to hit do _______. Remember, listen to your teacher.... Remember, ________.) And a plug "You're gonna do great!" hugs, kisses, "See you soon!"

- Talk with the teachers every day

- Get your child excited about school / positive reinforcement. First words out of your mouth asking about what was great / fun / silly/ exciting at school today? If they can't pull a whole day out of their memory yet... start with pieces. How about recess? Did you run? Climb? Play chase? What did you eat for lunch? Was there a story? ... AKA get them talking. Period. This will also encourage them talking freely about their struggles... especially if they learn that they have a kind and impartial ear with good advice about "what to do next time" instead of a 2nd round of punishments after the first round at the school.

Even though starting the lines of communication sounds (and is) huge, ALL the heavy lifting for day to day behavior falls to the adult who is actually present. If the CANNOT be dealing with your son, you soooo don't want them to be.

B

i see several areas here to be addressed. most of my concern is about the school, which seems singularly ill-prepared to deal with a little boy who sounds very nice and quite normal to me. that's a bit alarming.
having 'bad days but also good days' is....what? sounds like a 4 year old to me. kissing his classmates on the cheek is pretty tame for a kid who is also reported to be 'doing all he can to disrupt the classes.' a good teacher with a stern 'no' and the right look over the top of her glasses should never need to resort to the principal for that.
what specifically are they doing to reinforce his good behavior?
what specifically do they expect you to do from home?
he's FOUR. a lecture when he gets home from school isn't going to do much. it's a shame schools are so hampered from doing much to keep order in the classroom, but since that's where they and the parents have 'evolved' the situation, everyone has to deal with it.
my concern with this situation is that your anxiety over it and their over-reaction and under-coping with a very typical and no-biggie four year old behavior is that this could result in a very negative attitude toward school at large. this should barely be a bump, and yet it's causing all this angst, which he will surely pick up on.
is it possible for you to find a school that actually has experience with littles and knows how to handle them?
khairete
S.

The kissing thing must be unique to all 4 year olds because my son started doing it this week. I told him I didn't want him sharing germs with others and not to do it anymore. I realized that if I yelled at him or made a big deal of it it would encourage it more. My ped told me that some 4 year olds need to learn to respect others space and we should tell him not to hug or "kiss" any other child without asking their permission first. As for the school, it my be just the teachers. At my son's previous school, he was in time out several times each day to the point that he looked at time outs as a good thing. The teachers were young and just didn't know how to deal with him. At his new school it is such a difference. A look and a few words are enough to get him on the right track and only one time out this entire year. This school is also a little less structured than the other one. I would encourage you to look around for a better place for him.

Yep, I think that your school is over-reacting a bit.
Your son does seem to be a bit of an extrovert! Meaning, he needs positive attention from other people all day long.
I think teachers are more prepared for introverts, who would be more content without so much attention. (My oldest is an introvert, but it kind of drives me nuts that she won't socialize more!)
So, your job seems to me to just try to help him funnel his attention ploys into a more socially acceptable pathway. Maybe ask the teacher for help with this too -- what kinds of attention are acceptable in the classroom?

How about making gifts for people -- like play-doh creations or towers of blocks for others to knock down? What about putting on a play or puppet show? Or taking turns throwing balled up pieces of paper into a trash can? Maybe ask the teacher if there is a way to make time for extroverted activities like putting on shows or playing sports during the day. If he doesn't have a job in the classroom, ask her if she can think of something important for him to do that he can get recognition for. At home, reinforce these activities as "good ways to get warm fuzzies" or "good ways to get positive attention."

He can't help needing attention, that's just the way his brain and his heart work! And being extroverted is really quite useful in making friends and developing leadership skills. So just work with your teacher to help redirect his efforts to ways she can use in her classroom. She will be happier too once she realizes that he will behave better when he has an outlet for his extoverted needs.

I had a student who did not control his impulsive behaviors or emotions in class, and he did control them at home. The mom offered to stay and observe the behavior we were concerned about, since she did not see it at home. As she stayed with us for 2 1/2 hours, he was clearly controlling all his impulses and emotions. From this point we knew he had the ability, and it was up to us teachers to support his continuing to control his impulses in the classroom. Therefore, we set up a behavior goal that he would keep his personal space at all times at school. We had a box for every ten minutes and if he maintained personal space from self to others (defined as elbow can't reach to touch another person), the box got a star. He got a reward for getting a certain number of stars per day (extra time on computer or got to call home to tell the good news, etc.). Mom rewarded the high number of stars for the day with extra time at the park or an extra book at the library, etc.
Good Luck. Your instincts are right to question what is going on!

Try a Behavior Intervention Plan. This is where you would have a chart and you would give him a sticker or check for each day he goes without getting into "trouble." After he gets a set number of checks or stickers...maybe 10 since he is only 4..he can earn a reward. This reward has to be something he really really wants to earn. If 10 days seems to long than lower it to your satisfaction. Make sure you talk to him about it and pump him up about earning the reward. I just did one in my Early Childhood Education class and they seemed to be more successful than not. Good Luck!

Positive reinfocement for smileys from the teacher.
Make it something he would go for. MIne loved chocolate milk, easy, pretty wholesome, and when he behaved at school, teacher would give him a smiley and then he would then get chocolate milk at dinner.
The teacher has to be willing to give smileys, most teachers are at the preschool age though.