So this isn't really "mom" related but a friend of mine is trying to get a female's perspective on his current situation. I know what I think but being his friend I may be a bit biased so I was hoping you all could share your thoughts in case I'm missing something. So here is the situation as I know it.
My friend is 43, separated from his wife for over 2 years (not sure how long he's been married but they were together for years before they were married and have a 17 yr old together). Just over 2 years ago, she said she wanted a divorce. He left for a few days figuring to give her time/space. Was still there when she wanted or needed something (financially, car advice, etc). Then she blocked access to their home, their son, his stuff (including his mother's ashes) and moved in her new "girl friend" and I don't mean platonic. He was devastated. After a few months of not taking care of himself at all, he started working through it. Any contact with his wife was limited but she was not cooperative at all. Later emptied his bank account (without telling him) that he had left her access to in case their son needed something...she just took it ALL. **He knows he can file court proceeding to address his belongings and their son but is not in a financial position to do that right now.
So after over a year and a half of separation, he met a few people but never clicked with anyone. Then in Oct he met someone. He was upfront about his situation so she is aware that the divorce is not final. They have a good relationship.
Out of the blue, the wife has started contacting him and being nice. Allowing him to get some of his stuff, when she feels like it, and being friendly. He is trying to be nice cause he sees it as the path to his son and his stuff. Her friendliness started after she found out he was seeing someone. Occasionally she will make a snide comment here or there. She is still with the girl friend with no indication of any changes there.
Recently she asked if his girlfriend was "thick" or "chubby" cause all he had previously said was she was nice. He told her that her sources were wrong (she's actually thin). The next day she randomly texted him that she was ovulating.
So what my friend and his girlfriend are trying to figure out is what is wrong with this woman and what is her intent.
My take is that either she 1. wants him back, 2. wants to know if she can have him back (even if she's not sure she does), or 3. just messing with his head (cause she was fine without him as long as he was miserable).
What do you all think?
They are residents of PA which does not recognize "legal separation" like we do here in DE.
As for sperm donation...LOL! Maybe the old fashioned way so naturally the girlfriend is not too happy about that text. She's not holding it against him but given that she's the girlfriend but he's still married she's uncomfortable to say the least.
OnePerfectOne...they know the answer to those questions already.
They were not stewing over it but really just mulling the situation over and wanted someone else's take on it. He hasn't filed for divorce out of principle because at first he didn't want it (the wife did) and he didn't readily sign the papers she had done online because he knew he couldn't get his stuff if he did. He figures if she wanted the divorce she'd pay to file. For him, it wasn't a big deal before he wanted to move on himself. Now, he's hit a rough patch financially (lost his job) and is trying to get things lined up (job, bills, court, etc).
Thanks for all the feed back...it's mostly in line with what I was thinking so I'm comfortable with telling him all these things.
She is a narcissist. As long as he was miserable, she was still the center of his world. Now that he is moving on, she wants a way back in to being the center of his life.
He needs to finish the divorce ASAP. There is a lot of damage she can do to his life as long as they married. And if her fishing for attention doesn't work, she will retaliate.
ETA - Light bulb!! Julie S, that's exactly it. Wow. The gall of some people! Tell him to get his stuff out of that house while she's still ovulating and have him take a friend (not the girlfriend) with him so that he can get out of that place without her taking her clothes off...
Original:
What I think is that he should get all his stuff out of that house and stop talking to this woman about anything other than their son. He shouldn't engage with her about ANYTHING else. And no more answering any texts about anything personal!
And he should never help her with anything ever again. Thankfully his son is almost grown and he can just deal with the son soon without having to go through her.
I would play nice and get my stuff out of the house and then I would file for divorce and be done with the wife.
He has control over what he does not her. He can allow her room in his head or not.
After almost two years of this drama it is time for it to be done. Life is too short for all this mess.
My best to your friend.
the other S.
PS Whatever happens make sure he does not impregnate either one if they are asking about a donor for a baby.
I think your friend needs to go get his stuff out of her house (after 2 years, really now?), and file for divorce. I think he needs to get a court ordered custody agreement and quit tiptoeing around this situation.
It's time to bring closure to the marriage. It doesn't matter what her intent might be...they aren't in a relationship, they have a legal contract which needs to be severed, that's it.
I"m sorry for his situation. Please tell him that he and girlfriend should just stop trying to figure out her intent. They cannot read her mind and should not waste time doing so.
When you say "a year and a half of separation," do you mean actual LEGAL separation in a court of law? Because if not -- it is past time for him to lawyer up. Yes, it will cost him. But he needs to find the money, or find a lawyer who does payment plans. It is time to make some things formal here.
As Suzanne rightly says below: I'd tell him to get her to let him in one last time (don't tell her it's the last time), when she is not going to be around, and haul ALL his stuff out. No more bits-and-pieces trips back to the house.
Then he presents her with divorce papers. His son is old enough to tell a court what son wants regarding where he lives and how he visits both parents.
He also needs to stop, as you put it, "trying to be nice cause he sees it as the path to his son and his stuff." No. The path to his son is a full and formal custody agreement detailed in court documents. etc. His property should be dealt with in the divorce.
He cannot fully commit to the new girlfriend until his wife is out of his life in this way and only in his life as his ex-wife with whom he has a custody agreement, period.
And frankly, a divorce would be good for HER in the long run. As long as they are not divorced she may feel she can keep him on a string, and she knows that as long as they are legally married, he cannot move on with his life, marry the girlfriend if he wants, etc. She needs the reality check of a divorce, which might help her realize she can't yank around another adult this way and might help her move on in her own relationship.
Please update us here.
I think she's messing with him and if he really wants his stuff and his son and to be rid of her manipulations, he should go to court and get it all legal. You don't randomly text your ex that you are ovulating. He should ignore anything that isn't specifically about his belongings or his child. I think he should re-evaluate what his rights are and what it really means to sit on his hands for 2 years instead of fighting for his child.
ETA:
Regardless of whether or not he wanted it, he's now in a tricky situation where not having legal documents is hurting himself and his son. He really needs to re-evaluate this whole "I don't want to file first" mentality and I hope you encourage him to stand up for himself. His ex isn't coming back and everyone has moved on romantically. Time to cut the legal ties.
I think your friend needs to go ahead, man up, lawyer up and get that divorce. Since it's been over a year and a half since he has had access to his "things". He should probably just walk away from the things and from her. The only thing he needs to consider is the physical care for his son who is old enough to spend time with his father without the mother's interference.
There is no more conversation to be had with her. She has no good intention toward him. It's time to "Let it Go".
She's playing games and in my opinion shouldn't allow her to use him like he is a toy.
I would say the same thing if the shoe was on the other foot.
Sounds to me like she is playing with his head.
I would advise him to show up with a moving van and get ALL of his remaining beloingings the next itme she allows him to come over and retrieve some of his things.
He should not discuss his girlfriend AT ALL with his ex. If she brings up the subject respond with "So, how about them (insert favorite sports team)?"
Do not respond or reply AT ALL to any messages of a sexual nature. Do not delete them either. Keep them in case he needs them in court to demonstrate inappropriate behavior on her part.
Her intent doesn't matter......his does.
He needs to 'intend' to move on away from her.
Get his stuff and get divorced. Done.
Suzanne and Sarah and Robert E. are correct. His wife is gonna turn real nasty real quick.
These people are nuts. At least, the ex. He does NOT want to make a baby with this woman. First, because she's nuts and secondly,because he'd be making another child who has to suffer a nutso mom, and knowing that she is so unpredictable-- that is an unfair thing to do to a child.
He needs to just push the divorce through, get a decree stating the division of property, visitation, etc.
I would never date a man with this sort of drama in his life. If you want to tell him anything, tell him that if he really sees a future with this girlfriend of his, he needs to get a fire under his butt and go about moving on with his life. Not following through on getting a divorce because it might upset his ex only tells everyone the ex is still calling the shots and very important to him. Not prime material for a relationship for any thinking woman.
The wife is a straight up immature %÷×' and she
A. Wants a baby to raise with her lover
B. Wants to eat her cake and eat it too now that he's found someone
He needs to stay away from her. His son will be 18 soon but in the meantime he nerds to get a divorce and have custody agreement.
I think it doesn't matter, she's crazy, he needs to RUN. FAST. Don't even look back. Just GO.
Wow. THAT'S their question?
You'd think it would be something like "what's the first step to file for a divorce" or "can I legally get visitation with a 17 year old."
He should just use this window to get his stuff back, but he should also get a lawyer ASAP even if he can't afford it and get every thing hammered out legally once and for all.
My answer disappeard. I'll summerize. I just answered your post after this one and skimmed thru the one before this. I suggest that these friends need to decide what they want. Good to discuss their options, to help them look at different options and dicussions how they can get what they want. These people seem passive to me. They are letting the other people in these relations ships make the rules for the relationship. It's time for them to decide what they want and make boundaries to help going in that direction.
In this situation l, it doesn't matter why his wife is doing this. Does he want to get back together or not? Does he want to explore the possibility? He needs to have a direct and honest conversation with her discussing both of there wishes. It sounds like he let his wife push him out and accepted what she decided for their child and his involvement.
If he wants to remain separated, it's past time to file for divorce. If he wants more time with his child he needs to demand it. He needs to take a stand on what's best for him and his child.
He can purchase a kit l, from the Internet or stationers store to help him with a divorce. Sure, it may be best to have a lawyer. He doesn't need one to get started.
If he wants to go back to his wife, he needs professional counseling to learn whether or not it's possible. He needs to learn how to make his own boundaries and his own decisions.
When people ask for advice, it's good to be a friend and help them look at all angles. It can ruin a friendship to tell them what to do. If your advice doesn't work, you're to blame I suggest that it's possible they are doing so to avoid taking responsibility for their decision.
I see these people as immature and passive. They are letting their exes control their lives. I suggest professional counseling would help them know what they want and find a way to either make it happen or realize they need to rethink their goal.
He should avoid this crazy lady, even if he was (is) married to her.
The ovulating text is so crazy considering the way she treated him. I could think of a dig to say to her "Are you sure it's not menopause?" but he should stay classy and ignore her.
Sounds like her and her girlfriend want a baby.....
