My husband's friend was over the other night without his wife. He mentioned to us that his wife never listens to him - for ex, he will tell her he is going someplace after work tomorrow, she will nod in acknowledgement, and then the next night when he isn't home, call him angry because she doesn't know where he is. She will claim he never told her. Another example, he will email something to her about finances, she will respond she understands or agrees, and then will completely forget or not understand the email, as he discovers later. He will tell her something needs to happen with regard to their bank acct, something only she can change under her name for ex, and she won't do it.
He is frustrated that she seems to never listen to him. I really don't have much advice for him, as my hubby and I don't have this issue, other than she is going to have to deal with the ramifications of things not getting done (ie bank acct info change) before she will learn to care, and of course, sit her down and tell her this is bothering him, but he has tried to no avail. Suggestions?
Some info - they are in their early 30's, been married only a couple years.
ETA: Thanks all. I didn't really give him much by way of advice, other than "this is just something you are going to have to work through, I suggest approaching it differently than you have, in other words, if you orally tell her stuff, start writing it down, etc" I also reminded him that there are MUCH worse things. He was simply asking us because he wanted a "woman's" perspective and he also asked my husband (we were all three together) because he trusts him. He is just very frustrated and doesn;t know what to do. But trust me, anything I said to him I would GLADLY say directly to his wife, as NONE of us were dissing anyone. Anything I said was very neutral and not something I would be ashamed to admit to his wife I said. I know my husband has complained about me before! Who hasn't?!
Posty notes! Lol. I would have him leave her reminders everywhere, house, her car. It would be a lot of work, but may be worth it. :)
He might just have to become a nag.
H: I'm going for a round of golf after work tomorrow.
W: Hmmm? Oh, ok.
H: Where will I be after work tomorrow?
W: What? Oh, golf...
H: Yes, after work I'm golfing.
The next day before going to work:
H: I'm leaving for work now. Remember, I'm going to play a round after work.
W: Yeah.
When leaving work, text or call wife to say I'm going to play golf now. See you later.
Seems like overkill, but some people need to hear things multiple times before they retain the info.
Does she forget other things or just things he tells her? If she is forgetting many things, often or seems confused often, then she needs to be seen by a doctor.
Tell him to find out how she learns. If she is a visual learner he may have to leave a written note on the bathroom mirror the morning of the day he is going to be late, he may have to jot her a note and leave it on the fridge, etc...
If she is a written learner nothing goes in her brain unless she writes it down, SHE WRITES IT DOWN. I worked with a lady that learned by writing and it was very very very very very annoying to sit and wait for her to copy company notes or emails into her little book she carried with her. I would get so frustrated. We had a class in learning styles and I had a light bulb moment. She was a wonderful woman and this was the one thing that had bothered everyone, she had been moved from group home to group home to sheltered workshop to a supported living home, etc...then finally to my group home. Once I realized her learning style we got along wonderfully and had the best relationship.
She may be one of those odd styles that he does not understand. They will continue to have this type of relationship if he does not figure this out.
If she did not respond to him I would make sure she was looking eye to eye to him, and they discussed it, not "Hey, I have a meeting after hours tomorrow, I'll be late" as he goes through the room and she is reading or watching TV. They need to actually discuss it. They may need to do some interaction/communication training too.
We had to do it...we had to practice in the therapist's office.
We sat facing each other, one of us would have the floor and say something like "I want to talk about seatbelts". The other would say "I heard you say that you wanted to talk about seatbelts and I think XXXX (whatever they had to add)". Then the first person would say "I heard you say XXXX and I want to say I love you and want to grow old with you, I don't want you hurt in an accident by not wearing your seatbelt". Then the 2nd person "I heard you say you loved me", 1st person " I said I am concerned about you not wearing your seatbelt". Then they keep going back and forth until both parties are talking about the same thing.
It takes practice and can be a hard thing to do if they are on different pages, maybe even in different books...lol.
I remember one time my husband and I were doing this and the therapist told me to tell Hubby something about him that I liked. I lit up and said " I think you are totally handsome in a suit"...He said back to me "You think I am ugly if I don't have on a suit and tie"...so it can be difficult.
My husband is ADHD and this is his life. He cannot recall these things. Especially if it involves dates and times. He is just not work that way.
I like to say our daughter saved our marriage. I could turn to her and ask. "Did mom tell dad about the wedding this weekend?". And she would answer "yes! We were eating breakfast at ihop and you told him we were going to a wedding in 2 weeks. He told you he did not have anything to wear and you told him , he could just wear nice pants with a tie and shirt.."
Saved my sanity.. Up until then I thought I was losing my mind.
From then on he began to believe me that he was the one with the problem..
I now tell him, I write it down on our calendar that is in our bathroom. I email it to him and send updates.. I leave post it notes on the bathroom mirror.
Yes it is overboard, but it is what he needs..
FYI, ever since he was a child, trash day is always friday's. He is 51 and still cannot remember this.
Your friend needs to email her important information.. That way it is documented.
Well, I make my 8 year old repeat back to me what I just said if he seems distracted. Not sure how well that would fly with a grown woman though....
Does she have ADHD? It doesn't happen often because I make notes and have my phone harass me but if not I would forget. The problem is if that is the case then he needs to say, did you write this down.
There are sooo many ways to cope but first he needs to figure out whether she is listening and forgetting or just not listening.
Just remember there is always two sides to a story, is he helping out at home? Or putting all the household chores on her, does she work outside the house as well. And yes maybe she's just a little scatter brained. But it's HIS marriage and only he and she can fix it. Stay out of it, how would you feel if your hubby is going over to their home and dissing you? It's not normal for men to go around talking about their problems unless they're trying to skirt issuse regarding their bad behavior as well.
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I agree, she may have ADD. My husband does and we've been married 15+ years...it can be very frustrating. I have to repeat things all the time and communicate in many different forms (verbally, by sticky note, email, etc.).
A couple of things I have found that help are to make sure we are making eye contact when I'm talking--if not, he is often in his own world and only half listening. Also, sometimes just a gentle touch--like my hand on his arm or shoulder helps him realize I need his attention. These tatics also work with my kids!
And make sure that the time he is talking to her she is not doing something else. I have told my family that if they really want me to hear what they are saying they need to try and have a conversation when I'm not doing something else (i.e. housework, cooking, etc.)....either wait until I'm done or ask me to stop for a few minutes.
My husband acts this way, and I suspect he has learning disability or attention issues. But he refuses testing. One of them or both of them has communication issues. My husband says he tells me things I know he doesn't. I put EVERYTHING on a datebook, but he will inevitably forget to tell me dates, times, etc. He also ignores the date book and schedules things without checking. On the advice of my therapist, I email him everything and send him Outlook reminders. And he still won't follow through. I dont' have an answer, but I suggest therapy and super-organization and over-documentation of everything to avoid confusion. I know it sounds like a silly problem, but it is exceptionally aggrevating and I always perceive these issues as a lack of respect on my husband's part. I have to remind myself al the time that his behavior is not as passive aggressive as it seems. He thinks way differently than I do. doesn't make it any less annoying, but helps me cope and not take everyting personally.
Maybe she's busy. I advise a shared calendar. On Outlook or iPhone or SOMETHING. And it doesn't hurt to send a sweet, loving text at about the time he'd normally be home saying "Don't forget, I'm going to... after work tonight! I love you!"
I'm pretty forgetful too...because I've lived with ADD for my whole life. But I've learned to cope. She'll need tools to cope too...and he'll need to be extra mindful to help her get into the habit of using the tools they've agreed upon.
ok, less any medical problems here and or drinking habits..... she may act this way because the pay off is rewarding.. she obviously gets his attention and even if negative, apparently it is what she thinks she needs.. could be she is used to being a victim in life and her behavior causes others to respond in a blaming fashion.. hence.... her victim role is complete.. people act out for different reasons and it's usually because the pay off from their actions is their reward.. I don't think we have all the pieces of the puzzle here.... could be plain and simple... she likes to push his buttons..... and his getting upset is her reward.. some people like to play a lot of head games.. I bet this isn't something new and there were redflags before they got married..
She sounds a bit distracted to me. My husband is like this. If I want to be sure he's heard me and understands what I just said/asked, I have to ask him to tell me in his own words what he heard. That way I know he got it, and didn't interpret something else in his head.
I don't thing it's malicious or even careless in his case. It does not seem to be in his control. He's just thinking about a lot of stuff, and I have to be the one to make sure 'my' message got put on his mental list correctly.
Hmm.. after reading your responses so far... maybe I am ADD!! My husband claims I do this all the time (only about the same amount of instances that he says I never told him something and I KNOW that I did, usually just before he says: can we talk about this later?)..
It could be something like ADD, or it could be that she is a "typical" multi-tasking woman/mom who is trying to juggle 14 things at the same time WHILE he is telling her these things. Is she in the middle of cooking dinner, keeping something from burning while timing when to start something else so that everything is done at the same time, while trying to remember to pull the clothes out of the dryer before they wrinkle and he walks in, sees her "just standing there" and starts talking? My husband does that sort of thing to me, and has no clue that my mind is already processing 6 different things including math computations, and he just starts into a deep conversation. Ummm... What did you just say??
I would say, barring that she DOES have ADD, then maybe he just is a bit clueless about what she is doing when he is talking...
Sounds like he has to take charge of these things. She sounds like a male! I know I could pretty much make the same claims about my hubby, which is why I do the banking and important stuff. As for unimportant stuff like her not remembering where he's going, he'll have to remind her! I say things like, "I told you I was going" When hubby calls perplexed that a sitter answered...the list goes on. I also make him repeat stuff back to me and if he doesn't quite get what he's saying, I say, "Nevermind, I'll do it" when it comes to making important calls and stuff. How can he make her be alert? Not sure.
I would not entertain or listen to these concerns. IMHO, to do so is to dance very close to the line of coming between two married people (which is forbidden spiritually in my book).
There are proper venues for marital issues (i.e., a neutral counselor).
I respond to marriage questions here, sometimes, because it is relatively anonymous. Even then I worry.
Maybe I'm wrong - I just feel like outsiders can never know, exactly, what is going on behind closed doors in a marriage. Therefore it is tough to give good guidance that isn't tainted by bias of some sort (especially when a friend is involved).
JMO.
She may not be very good at remembering things. I am terrible with that. i have an awful memory. Always have. If I don't write it down, I forget. I need reminders, and often tell my husband to remind me of this or that. I also am strictly a visual learner, and if someone tells me something audially and not in writing, I forget it. Unless it is a serious matter. She may just need more reminders! They are a young couple, and are still in need of figuring each other out.
I know some adults w/ ADD and this is what it sounds like to me. That doesn't make it any easier, because she may not want to admit it or accept help or meds. Notes for EVERYTHING and a calender will help. I would advise the husband to just start one and write EVERYTHING she may need to know (like when he will be late or when he has other plans) and then tell her he wrote it, then when she claims he didn't tell her, he can show her that it was also written down. It's a start anyway!
