Question About Including Cousins When They Live Together

hi jen.
life is not fair.
boundaries have to be learned young.
the children need to learn to self soothe.
what do you do when you feel left out.
D.

Is there any way that you can take the kids while he takes his daughter ... I am sorry, but as a child of divorce who only saw my dad for dinner on Tuesday's I was annoyed that my older sister came along sometimes that was the ONLY time I had to spend with him, it's important that it is not forced to be shared.

I think he should be allowed alone time with his daughter and that she should be allowed alone time with her father. Every girl needs that special time with her dad. It would be unfair to her too to have to share that time.

Your ex is right in wanting to take only his daughter. If this bothers you so much, then maybe you could take the kids to do something fun, but it isn't your ex's responsibility when you were the one who decided that it was best for your daughter to be at her cousins all week. Sorry, to disagree with you!

Sorry, but you EX has no obligation to take along other peoples children unless HE wants too. No guilt either..

I am a child of divorce and the one thing we really wanted, was our time with our father to be OURS.

Now if he wanted to take your daughters cousins along, that would be between him and your brother.

I think it is very nice of you to always include your nieces and nephews, but I also think you should consider some alone time with your daughter since you work full time, live with other people and someone other than the 2 of you are always with you guys.. I bet your brother would also enjoy SOME alone time with HIS own kids too.. J. a thought..

I think they need to time alone. I would hope your brother understands this. Kids have to learn that sometimes it is not always about them. You do not
say how old the kids are so it is a bit more difficult to really understand. J.
as with siblings, sometimes one gets to go with Mom or Dad and the others
will have their time another day. It is part of life.

I agree with your ex.

Life isn't always fair so your niece and nephew will J. have to understand. They are not his niece and nephew anymore. You made the choice to have this babysitting arrangement. He wants time alone with his child. He should be able to have that. If your brother chose to take his son and daughter out without your daughter I'd be fine with that, as long as I was home. It wouldn't be fair to single out his own kids when he's babysitting his niece.

It is totally fair for a father to want to spend time alone with his daughter since he doesn't see her much. That is important to their father/daughter relationship. 4 is a hard age to understand but life is what it is. I was explain to the 4 year old niece that she has her daddy every day. Her cousin does not and needs some alone to share together. I would ask your daughter not to discuss too much about things they've done if it upsets the others. But it is what it is, period.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

I think it's up to him. If you were remarried, would you expect him to take your stepkids? I think it would feel very different to you in this case!

All that said, I do get that your brother's kids probably feel left out! I agree with the other posters that maybe you should spend that time period with his kids.....to give your brother a break!

This time should be for J. him and her and not the other kids. Even siblings don't get to go to everything and they learn to deal with it. My step-daughter has two younger brothers who are not my husband's kids. He used to have one weekend a month when he would take her for J. the day so he would stay local and go somewhere with her - he sure as heck didn't bring her brothers along because they felt bad being left at home. This is HER time with HER dad. They will understand being excluded if it's explained to them appropriately, and if you feel that bad about it, then maybe you can try to do something simple with them after work while your ex is out with your daughter (go for ice cream, go to the park etc.). While it would be nice for him to include them every now and again, this is about him spending time with HIS child.

It's totally fine for your ex to take your daughter out alone. This is special time with her daddy.
Mabey when you are there, you can take the whole bunch out to the park and let your brother have some time alone.

Your brother is doing a wonderful thing by watching your daughter for free, but your ex shouldn't feel obligated to take all the kids based on the circumstances.

I think your ex should be allowed to spend time with his daughter & not have to include the cousins.

Your ex is under no obligation to spend time with the other children in the house. While it would be nice for him to take the other kids, his visitation time is for his child.

While you may be upset, children have the ability and capacity to understand stiuations like this. My son when he was small, would go on visits with his paternal grandparents every Sunday. The other 5 children in the house understood that to be J. what it was. Since the adults didn't make a big deal out of it, neither did they.

If your infirmed brother needs a break during the visitation time would it be possible for you to take the other kids on some outting with you? Outtings don't always have to cost money. I have had some of the best times at the parks or beaches with the other kids while my son was out of the house.

.

First off, I think that it's awesome that everybody is civil in this situation. That being said, I think that it's OK and important for your daughter and her dad to have alone time. You don't say how old any of these kids are, but like JB said, explain to them in an appropriate manner, that your daughter only gets a limited time with her dad. Kids understand more than adults give them credit for. My parents were divorced, and my brother and I always got both together AND alone time with our dad when he was around.

I think your ex is entitled to take your children without having to take your brother's child/ren as well. Your children need one on one time with their father and it sounds like although they see him regularly, they don't get to spend a lot of time with him. That time is valuable and they need time to bond with him.

It's perfectly acceptable and reasonable for cousins not to be included in every single aspect of each others lives EVEN THOUGH for all intents they're currently living together as siblings. The fact is that they're not siblings and your ex has no obligation to them, and it's unfair of you to expect him to take this on. And it would be equally unfair for you to expect your brother to ALWAYS expect to take your kids on as well.

There's still the other 95% of the time that the kids spend together. Give the kids a break from each other and let your ex enjoy his time with his own children. If he OFFERS to take your kids' cousins, power to him.

I vote with those who side with your ex. Not everybody is comfortable dragging extra kids along to things. My ex is a great dad, but he isn't big on hanging with a lot of kids. Let your daughter and her dad have their special time together. Life's too short and they don't get that very much.

It's nice that you want to include cousins because they do live together during the summer BUT dad has no contractual obligation to them. He wants to spend time with HIS child and not the others. He wants to bond with his daughter without having to worry about someone else's child. You have to remember men are strange when it comes to kids let alone ones that they did not father. So let him have his time with his child alone. Maybe on occasion he will include the others but don't force the issue.

As others have pointed out life is not fair. As others have pointed out that they wished the other sibling didn't go along to get private time to talk to dad privately. As others have pointed out children understand more than we give them credit for and it will teach them that they are not always included in everything in life.

Think how you all put it into words so that everyone understands and the feelings don't get too bruised as this is a on going issue for the next x years of their lives.

Since you feel so strongly about including you should take the nephew and nieces so that your brother gets a break from everyone as a thank you for what he does for you during the week.

Love to you all and hope that an arrangement can be made quickly.

The other S.

PS Life is too short for family craziness.

I haven't read the other responses, but I wanted to offer an opinion. I think that this one is all about compromise. You and your brother compromise that some weeks your ex needs time alone with his daughter (and your daughter needs this too, or else she will come to believe that she is simply one of three who never gets treated to a special treat). Your ex compromises that some weeks he includes the other kids. Perhaps a third option is that one week (perhaps the last one of the summer), each kid gets some special time - your ex could do something with your daughter, you could do something special with your niece, and your brother could do something special with your nephew. I would at least ask your brother if he wants some one on one time with each of his children while you watch the other for him...

my husband sure wouldn't do it. he would tell M. that, the niece/nephew weren't his kids and that he would want to spend quality time with his kids. without others. i think that if it was M., i would have mixed emotions about it. on the one hand, i would feel bad for the other child. but then, i would like to spend time with my kids so that it wasn't "interupted" or i wasn't being ignored because of the other child. your right, it is a tough call. i think that it should be a decision that your ex makes, without having to feel bad or pressured because of the other child

If your ex REALLY only wants to spend one on one time with your daughter (understandable to all, I would think, it's not THAT big of a deal the cousins don't get to do something with her, and leaving people home with J. their own kids is not an inconvenience to them) and he does NOT want to haul all the kids, you should offer your brother some child care at a different time or other favor as a nice gesture after explaining why only your daughter is going.

It would be so nice for dad to take everyone for at least one excursion together. However, I understand dad's desire not to want to do that.

My suggestion would be for dad to ask his daughter what she prefers. She sounds like she is old enough to state clearly what she wants. She may be happier only doing a dad-and-M. thing (and remember this Sunday is Father's Day so she really may prefer this) OR she may feel like she may have more fun if everyone is together. It would be nice and respectful to honor her preferences.

Does it have to be an all or none situation? I mean, while the primary goal is to spend time with /his/ daughter and the other children need to understand that, can he once in a while take the other kids along too? Not everytime, so it is not expected, but wouldn't seeing his daughter happily sharing in the company of her cousins make him happy too? Also, it is a great way for him to show his appreciation since your brother is not only helping you out but him as well? I would think if your family wasn't watching your daughter for free that child care costs would become part of his child support fees? (I know nothing about divorces so...)

I think there is a compromise in here somewhere.

Good luck.
~C.

I see a bit more your pov though it's not a clear cut decision in my mind - so is it possible for your ex to J. take the cousin for an hour or two? It sounds like he has your daughter for 24 hours so an hour or two with both girls might kind of cover all the bases... IMO

When dad comes to get his daughter he is obligated to take the other children that are living in the same home!!!
Dad can spend time alone with his daughter when you guys are at your house. Summer is not that long, he (dad) can make wonderful memories with all of the children and looking back your daughter is going to know what a great guy her dad is that he was willing to take the other kids with him.

I also think dad needs to think how is his daughter going to feel if she is the one that is left at home while the other people she is living with all go out and have a good time.

Cousins raised together are brothers and sisters. I grew up in a large extended family where my aunt's SIL and BIL were like aunts and uncles for M. as well. The nieces and nephews were like cousins to M. as well.
However, you are divorced from your child's father. He is her father and not a member of your family anymore. If he wants to be alone with his child that is fair.
Your family of course treats all the children as one unit but you cannot expect that of your ex who really has no other interest in your family than his own child.

I think if your ex wants to have *alone time* with his daughter he should keep her overnight! OR bite the bullet for the summer and include the other kids. Can he keep her on Mondays? How close does he live to your parents/brother's house? Can HIS parents keep her O. day? How old are all the kids?

Oh have him take them all.
It is a small "price" to pay for free child care.
Plus, he gets alone time with her on the weekends.
And it would be a nice bonding time for him with the other kids.
Everyone will wind up with fun memories of the summer.

Good Luck
God Bless

I see both sides. I understand that your ex wants to spend time with his daughter alone and she probably also wants that but... remember being the odd kid out? Kids feelings are hurt very easily and the neices and nephews may not understand that uncle is not uncle any more. They were taught to love uncle from the time they were born and now they aren't supposed to love him anymore????
I think the best thing to do would be to have a talk with them, include your brother, ex and the kids. Explain to them that uncle is still daddy to your daughter and he wants to be able to spend time with her. But he loves them and likes seeing them. Maybe once a month he could take them for an ice cream cone and they could all spend some time together.
I know that when I divorced my ex I lost my only neices and nephews and I missed the relationship I had with them.