Brother & SIL Never Remember My Kids on Special Occasions

Next Christmas give them a calendar with all of the birthdays marked in it. A friend's mother does this for him and he always remembers to call or send cards. Otherwise, the important dates would be forgotten.
Best of luck to you.

I know you have a lot of replies already and I didn't read all of them. But I too have a brother and SIL like this as well as a SIL and BIL. I have done what you are proposing... not sent anything to them. One year it sparked in their minds that they had forgotten and the next year they remembered. After that we went into the same behavior... they didn't do anything.
So now I do not spend as much as I have in the past, but send their children something because it is not the kids faults, some years it is even just a birthday card with stickers in.

Hi S. :) Siblings frustrate us, don't they? I have 5 so I have an idea of how you feel ;) My advice is to be the bigger person. Besides, gift-giving is a joy and more so when it's for kids we love!

I would not buy gifts for the kids but instead a couple of times a year take their kids and your kids to do something fun...bowling, pizza whatever they like and call it a birthday celebration. We all got away from giving gifts as all the kids have too much as it is and everyone is too busy. Instead we celebrate the winter and the summer birthdays by getting together. I let my kids know that it is more about spending time and having fun together than anything else.

S.,
Two years ago, when I was dealing with a number of family issues that I found very painful, I read a book called The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Living the four agreements has changed my life. I mention this because two of the agreements seem to apply in your family situation: Don't Take Anything Personally and Don't Make Assumptions. The Four Agreements are about how I can feel better and not about getting other people to change.

If you can avoid personalizing your brother and SIL's actions, and avoid assuming why it's happening, you will be happier even if they don't give your children gifts. I know it's difficult to see your children overlooked but it's your reaction that is causing you pain ... if you can depersonalize the situation you will find that it's not painful at all.

In terms of giving their children gifts, I think you should base your decision on what makes you feel good and what model you want your children to see. That puts you in control and lets you be the thoughtful person you are regardless how others behave.

Hope this isn't too much of a lecture ... I didn't intend it that way but sometimes I can appear to be lecturing even when I'm not!

Good luck!

I've read all of the other replies, and you have a lot of great advise here. Just wanted to add one thing - since this is your brother, I think it would be a nice idea to talk to him before taking any decisive steps. Does he realize this is going on? Has this already been negotiated between him/wife that he is supposed to be getting the gifts? Or is it her "job" but perhaps she doesn't know the dates of all of the occasions because it's not her side of the family? Or maybe it's her job and she's been slacking, but he hasn't noticed for one reason or the other, would feel bad about it when brought to his attention, and would like to talk to her about it? Or perhaps they have made some sort of decision that they are doing this on purpose. I think if you went to him in a very nonjudgemental way, with no agenda, just looking for information, this could help the situation. I suspect that if you take the advise of some of the others - to just keep giving gifts (but then keep on resenting them) or to stop giving gifts to their kids (but then feel guilty because it's not the kids fault) - the issue will not really feel resolved for you.

Good luck. Family is never easy, as much as it's a blessing.
T.

S.,
I have to admit that I am the culprit when it comes to not doing anything special for birthdays and other special occasions. I am not much for gifts. I don't like getting them very much and I am hate shopping. I only go shopping for food unless my son's pants are an inch short and I HAVE to get something else. I hate buying stuff and in general think that the world doesn't need any more than what it has. I try to focus on spending good time with my nieces and nephew when I see them, but I don't even send cards. This isn't something I do to be spiteful, or neglectful and it doesn't say anything about my love for them. I just don't express myself that way. Everyone is different. That said, if it bothers you or you feel like it's unfair, you should talk to your brother about it and see what's going on. I think that what is unfair is getting upset about it and making decisions based on that instead of being upfront about it and getting it resolved. Don't let this be the seed that drives a wedge in between you and your brother's family. It's not worth it and if it's a big deal, you should should be a grown up and talk to him about it and then decide what you want to do.
That's my two cents.

I have a SIL and BRO just like that. I makes me SO mad that they totally don't remember my kids. Even a stupid birthday card is too much to ask.
I know that many people have said that it's not a big deal but if they were in that situation they would see that it IS. My kids go with me and pick out presents for the cousins and are excited about it. I love my brothers 2 kids and I'm not going to slight them because of their stupid parents. But then my kids know that they are forgotten. Even a phone call from my nieces saying "happy birthday" would be fine but just to forget them is SO rude. When you marry someone you are joining a family and they, together, should be remembering your family. It's not just up to him or her but them together. It may be hard to remember birthdays but Christmas??? It's just rude.
I could've written your question because it's SO like my SIL. Everything is about her family. She doesn't forget any of them. But, of course, this is the same SIL that thanked my parents for an all expenses paid trip to Disney World for a week by saying that they should be thankful that they "shared" their kids' first plane ride with them and that they overstepped their bounds by making them share their first Disney experience with them because they are THEIR kids and they had their chance! Of course that was AFTER we all got BACK from the trip. Funny how she couldn't have had this discovery before we left and then maybe the rest of us would've enjoyed it more :o)
Hang tough, I have finally just started getting my nieces gift cards and sending them and telling my kids that we aren't exchanging gifts because I get sick of my kids getting their feelings hurt.
Good luck,
J.
Mom to 4 and soon one more through another adoption.

I am old fashioned and agree with you that the SIL should be doing this for your brother and including your children. She is obviously making it clear that his family doesn't matter etc.

I would stop all gift giving with her children. I know it's not fair to your nieces and nephews but hey it's not fair to your kids either. It's not the money spent it's the thought. And your being walked all over if you keep doing for them and you get nothing in return.

Your SIL can't be stupid, she's got to know when you give a nice caring gift and think or remember to herself gee we didn't get their kids anything.

I come from a large family, 9 siblings and so does my husband, 7 siblings, and the fact is that some people are good about remembering others with cards etc. and some aren't. I would advise you to not make a big deal about it, but if you want to remember your neices and nephews, then do so for their sake and don't get into a pity party if you and your kids don't receive in return.

I would stop exchanging gifts with them. Tell them that it's getting to be too much to keep up with, and you don't want to do it anymore. If they seem offended, point out when your kids got the shaft.

DON'T punish the child for their parents misfortunes. Communication between you and your brother is the key. If it really is a time factor for him, just suggest a gift card and either you can give that to your chidlren if thy're old enough, or use it to buy something for your children on your brother's behalf.

No one is obligated to give anyone gifts. If it's an obligation, it's not a gift. What you GIVE should have no relation to any payback.

If you want to give your niece or nephew a GIFT, give it! If you want to encourage others to give things to your kids, just invite them to the party. Better yet, teach your kids that they are lucky and loved EVEN IF your brother doesn't buy them gifts.

You might check with your sister-in-law in case she would be more comfortable without all the "stuff" coming to her kids, but not as an un-subtle way of pressuring her to give things to yours.

Sorry to be so blunt, but it bothers me that so many people don't even seem to see how greedy and materialistic our society has become.

Hi S.
It is so tricky to know what to do I am in a simalar situation with my brother and I have decided no matter what his children are my nephews and as a aunt I want to buy them a gift and I feel proud to do so. So my advice is to decide how do you want the children to see you. I also will take my nephews and do special things with them so I am not just seen as a gift. I hope this helps.:)T.

S.,

If this situation is bothering you so much why don't you have a private talk with your brother. I hope you realize that it's not their children's fault that your kids are not getting gifts. Do you care about their children at all? Do you love them? I have to tell you that you are sounding extremely childish and jealous. You never even stated if you children are feeling hurt because they're not receiving gifts. Do they even care? It really all boils down to choices. Also, who are you really trying to impress here? I have a feeling that it's the parents and not the children. If this is true your intentions are all wrong.

I'm sorry if I'm sounding like a mean person, but what kind of example do you want to set for your own children? Isn't better to give than to receive? This is a perfect opportunity for you to teach your children this concept. Why don't you try turning this situation into a positive.

I am in such a similar situation.
I have two sisters who make sure that my oldest sister's kids get presents for birthdays and they take them out to movies and bring them treats all the time. My kids have, for years, felt really bad about it. they are always talking about how aunt A or aunt B took their cousins to this movie or that movie but they never take them. I really don't get it. I chalk it up to me being the black sheep in my family and I guess inadvertently my kids get to ignored because no one really knows how to get to know me.
It hurts my feelings just as much as theirs that my sisters make my kids feel less important than my first sister's kids. My oldest has asked me so many times why their cousins are more important than they are. It wouldn't be so bad if my kids never talked to their cousins, but they do and they always get to hear about all the fun stuff they get to do with my two sisters. I've told my kids that maybe they should just let it out and confront my sisters about it, but they are too non confrontational and I suppose I am as well so that boat will most likely never get rocked. other than that I just don't know how to help my kids understand why they get forgotten or passed over. My two sisters who do this don't have any kids and so I can't really 'return the favor' so to speak. actually I have wondered what I would do in this situation if they did have kids, but I guess it wouldn't even be a problem because they'd be taking their own kids to movies and getting them presents instead of taking my nieces and nephews.

So I suppose in that situation I would just send a card to let them know that you thought of them for their birthday and maybe if they don't get a present your brother and sister in law may get the message

Boy, there is a lot of this out there. I had no idea. Yes, we have issues in our family of keeping track of things and I have been very upset that my BIL (who has been single - but is getting married April 26) has never really recognized my children, aged 13 and 9. My 9 year old didn't even realize until recently that she even had an uncle on my husband's side of the family. Family dynamics are very difficult and in this day of high tech gadgets and so many things to think about, it's easy to forget our priorities. I think it's probably a VERY difficult subject to talk about (as many people suggested talking to your brother and/or SIL). I have found that it is easier to do it yourself if you want something done and I've been good about doing Christmas for all my husband's relatives, but not birthdays. Maybe that is a compromise you could make in your heart with your neice/nephews. Or pick some other time/holiday and send stuff and do stuff so that your brother's kids do know that there is a different side to the family, too. Start a new, fun tradition lots of ideas from decorating "family" tshirts to painting a plate with the names of your family members and the year- but realize that you may be doing a lot of the work and planning alone. I think that it's not always fun, but perhaps do it in honor of your parents or some other cause that you're passionate about, so that it doesn't matter. Remember, what you do one way or another is a gift to your own children about modeling positive and strong ways to deal with difficult situations. I would advise not to complain about it in the family, but just explain that this is YOUR VALUE and your choice and it doesn't really matter what other people think.

We have a big family, and have started to trim stuff down. But I am also in a similar situation. My husband and I both agreed that if they live out of town, they are getting cards...it is getting too much to be sending everybody gifts that you don't know if they even like or not...I try to think of it as if it were my kids. If somebody remembered my kids' birthday with a card I would be tickled to know that they thought of them on their special day.

I know that your brother should really remember, but come on, he is a guy!!! Plus since he is married!, and his wife seems to run the show at the house with dates to remember and what ever else, she should really include both sides of the family, not just hers. She did marry into the family, so that means you and your kids are her family are her family as well. If she can keep track of everyone on her side, add more names to the calendar!!!! Talk to your brother about it.

Be the person you want to be, and the example you want for your children to see. peace, A.

Hi S. -- I assume you think it's nice for the kids to exchange gifts, so as long as money isn't an issue for you, I'd keep sending them. For one thing, if you stop, you can be sure that the tradition of exchanging will never get started (although it probably won't anyway!); and, two, keeping score with family members rarely leads to improved relations. You love your brother's kids, so send them little gifts. If that seems to hurt your kids' feelings, you'll have the opportunity to explain to them that different families have different routines and that even though you wish they sent presents, too, that's no reason to deny them (and YOURSELVES!) the pleasure of your giving.

Whatever you decide, I don't see anything wrong with explaining to your brother (not his wife) your thinking on the matter, as long as you can do it in a pleasant, non-victimized way. Maybe that will inspire him to reciprocate, which would be neat, and maybe it won't, which would be exactly where you are anyway.

Good luck and Merry Christmas! L.

S.,

I have a situation that sounds a lot like yours and I understand that you feel that your children are getting the shaft of things but, I just want to remind you not to take your hurt out on your neices and nephews it is not their fault that mom and dad can't seem to get it together. I would probably metion it to my brother also if you communitcate well with him and maybe he can help his wife by sending her a reminder with the gift that he has in mind that he would like to get the kids. Hope this helps. :-)

Buy the gifts for his kids, dont give his kids the memory of you forgetting their day, its not their fault.

Buy your kids gifts from your brother, have them write the thank you notes to them and politely mention to them beforehand you picked some gifts up for them since you know how busy they are. They may get it. If they dont, atleast your kids dont have a memory growing up that auntie and uncle forgot about them. When they are old enough they will figure it out on their own.

Here is my thought on it. It is not the child's fault that his/her parents suck at remembering family. So buy the kid a gift, I just wouldn't go overboard on it.

Next time you talk to your brother, ask him why. TALK TO HIM!

If he gives the excuse of 'too busy', do as my brother did for me. My brother gives me money around christmas time and then tells me to get gifts for the next year. Then I split it up amongst the kids and get a gift from 'uncle sean' for the kids. another option is set up a reminder to call him, text, or email him saying 'fyi its ________'s birthday in a week'...that will give him time to send you money for a gift or at least to get something for the kid.

Hi S.. I think from the way you posed your last question you know what to do. Don't lay the faults of the parents at the feet of the child. Not getting him/her a gift is punishing the child (and yes, probably the parent too).

I don't mean at all to be harsh but I think you are making a few excuses for your brother. My hubby and I have the same arrangement - I take care of my family and he is expected to take care of his. I think the best thing to do may be to simply try and talk to your brother. Take it from a "it really disapoints the kids" aspect instead of an "I'm really mad" aspect. Good luck!

I have a similar problem. My SIL (no kids but a lot of money) frequently pays to send my stepson and her other nephews on expensive ski trips, fancy camps, etc. But she has never offered to do the same for my two kids. I haven't said anything to her about it though because my kids haven't noticed yet. Once they do, and if it hurts their feelings, then I will definately mention it to my husband so he can talk to his sister or be aware that I will do it if he doesn't.

So I guess my advice to you would depend on whether your kids have noticed that their Aunt soandso never sends them gifts or not. And if so, does it hurt their feelings? If it bothers them, I would definately talk to your husband about it so either he or you can mention it to your SIL. She may not even be aware of how you, or the kids are feeling.

I would only purchase a gift for the niece/nephew if its something you want to do for the child. Don't do it if its only because you feel obligated to do it. Otherwise, just send a nice card.

Good luck.

we all have one of those in every family. we have it on both sides./ you know in your heart it is the right thing to do by sending a gift and it is family. blood is thicker than water

Dear S.,

Although I cannot offer any advice, I just want to let you know that you are not in this boat alone. I have the exact same problem.

I hope this problem is resolved soon for you. It is very hurtful and frustrating.

I would say to swollow your hurt. It would be your neice or nephew that got hurt by this. A child is innocent in the doings of their family.

Gift giving is something you do because you enjoy giving the person a gift not because you expect something in return. In the case of children they would be the ones hurt not your brother or his wife. If you like the child then send a gift or in the case of an older kid just a card so they know you are thinking of them. Have you talked to your brother about the situation? Maybe he just needs a gentle reminder. My experience with men is that they have all they can do to remember the wife's birthday and their anniversary...he probably doesn't remember instantly his own kids birthdays without the wife's reminder. You have the opportunity to show your children how to give and not expect something in return. Just follow your heart...good luck! CJ

I would go ahead and get your niece or nephew a birthday gift. It is not their fault that their parents are forgetful, too busy, etc. You don't approve of your brother and sister-in-law's behavior, so why would you want to mimic it? Be the kind of aunt you wish your children had. Maybe you could suggest to your brother that you can do the shopping for him where your children's gifts are concerned, and he can just send you a check. He probably would appreciate it. I have done that for my brother as he lives out of state and mailing can be a hassle. You know what kind of person your brother is, I would give him the benefit of the doubt.

This is such a hard subject.. On one hand you want to make the kids happy and get something, but on the other hand you feel it is only fair if you buy something for their kids they SHOULD do the same.

My husband and I just had our youngest (his 2nd child - my 3rd) daughter in October 07'. My SIL had her first child (boy) in September. Well we had purchased stuff for the baby shower, than even more when he was born and than he had a baptism a week or so after being born and we than bought a present for that too.
When our daughter was born, she didn't buy 1 single item for her - not even a simple card, after we spent about $100 on her son.. We would have appreciated a simple card - she was on maternity leave and was still receiving her full income, so money was not an issue. However, I was out of work 1 1/2 months before having my daughter due to pregnany complications and money was very short for us, but we still bought presents. To this day it still makes my husband and I mad.
When Christmas time came, she sent me an email and asked what the kids needed for Christmas. I didn't email her back, instead my husband made a comment to his Mom to tell his sister that our kids didn't need anything and we would just skip trading gifts between all of us.
I sooo want to ask her "so why didn't you get ______ anything when she was born????" But I know I shouldn't....

If you are going to a Birthday party for the child, than I would say to buy something small - maybe some stuff from the dollar store. If you are not going to see them, just send a Birthday card.... Try to be the bigger person...

Good Luck - In laws are hard to deal with at times....

Please dont forget the children. They are after all just kids.. I would send a card to your sister in law.. asking her to remember your children.. or invite her and her children out for your childs b-days or a special dinner around holidays.. just for you and your babes, and her and her babes.. that way she must remember..

Call her and talk to her about what other people got for you babes as gifts .. just in passing. Maybe she will say oh my i forgot...

Either way dont forget the kids.

S.~

Oh dear! I am the person you're talking about! I live fairly close to my parents/siblings/niece and nephews and always give them cards and gifts. My husband, however, is from another state and his family is just not good at communication. When we got engaged, I was full of love and good intentions and asked my MIL-to-be for all of the birthdays and anniversaries for themselves and my husband's brothers, their wives and children, grandparents, etc. Herein lies the problem:

She didn't know!

She couldn't even be sure of what year she and her husband were married! She didn't know her own children or grandkids' birthdays. I tried asking his brothers, but they couldn't remember their wives' birthdays or the years for the children, either!

The point to this little story is that sometimes a person with the best of intentions either doesn't have access to the information they need or simply doesn't want to chase it down. The families have never exchanged cards or anything and we're all fine with that, I think. Now that I'm reading of your hurt feelings, I think I'll call my sisters-in-law!

I would suggest sending out a little organizer or family calendar just to keep everyone up to date. At the very least you'll know they have the information before you get too upset.

I guess I wouldn't "punish" their kids by stopping sending gifts, when they've always gotten them from you. It's not their fault their parents are so thoughtless. But that is so AWFUL that your own brother does not give your kids gifts for Christmas and their birthdays!! I'm sure you're right, about your SIL leaving it up to him - but he's not getting the job done! And she should make sure he does it - just to be a good aunt & uncle! It's her responsibility too. I would be VERY HURT if I were you - and your kids. Does it hurt them? Maybe someday, you can sit down and talk to him about how much it hurts you. That's not unreasonable. Men just don't realize those things sometimes! Good luck to you.

Being the non-confrontational person that I am, I would go out and buy a greeting card organizer and give it to them. We got one from my SIL and believe me, it has saved my butt! I'm new to the family and we have 12 nieces and nephews to remember, plus the adults! So, that might be a nice way to help them if they're the forgetful type. Just don't let it fuel the fire if they do forget. (By the way, it will definitely help if you write your kids' birthdays in the correct spots along with the year they were born.)

It's not your niece/nephews fault that your brother doesn't buy gifts. So send a gift. About your brother not getting a gift: What you could do is when b-day or Christmas rolls around say to him "If you don't know what to get for the kids, get a gift cert to (favorite store inserted here)." This way he knows you would like him to send something so the kids don't feel left out and gift certs are an easy option.

Or you could send him links to the stuff that you want him to get the kids and he can have the sites send them to you. Online shopping is fast and easy and easier if you send him the info.

You could also tell him if he doesn't have time for shopping, so send you the money and you'll pick out gifts and put his name on them. I've done that, and it worked out great.

Just some ideas.

Well, I was in that situation last year.

It was between, of all people, my twin & me.

My kids are 21 & 18 now. Hers are 4 & 6.

My sister used to take the kids everywhere, take them places and do things with them until she got pregnant and had her own children. then her kids were more important and that is the way it should be. But my kids didn't understand that because my sister was always there for them.

When my daughter turned 16(April 13th), my sister didn't even send Loren a card. Then we got an ivite to her daughter's 3rd BD. (April 20th). So my daughter was very upset.

But we went anyways. I do it for the kids. They don't know any better. My sister never shows up to anything, mother's day, father's day, easter, she always has an excuse.

But she expects us to go by her which is 45 minutes away.

I don't have a problem with it. Yes, I was mad as hell that she hurt my daughter's feelings. I think that is the worst feeling in the world. I did let her know how I felt. She blew up & said I was no longer her sister. But later in the week we worked things out like always.

It's hard these days to keep up with everybody's BD.
I don't send my hubby's nieces & nephews anything. They live three hours away, and there are way too many of them. Ha!

My side, I do take care of. I take care of my parents & my hubby's parents. we don't miss those dates.

It's hard to say. I really wouldn't let what she does bother you. Wait until the day your kids go up to your sil and ask her why she didn't acknowledge their BD. Kids learn early on. They aren't stupid.

You never know what is going on. Have you ever brought it up to your SIL? I know I have a few in-laws that have their own quirks!

Kids don't any better. Be the bigger person and spend time with them. But I definately would say what your thinking to your SIL & brother. because nothing gets solved when you keep it inside and let it eat at you. And your kids see it!

God Bless,

J.

I look at it this way..... It's all about what kind of Aunt YOU want to be, and what kind of relationship you want with your nieces and nephews.

This is a tough one and I understand that you are hurt, but don't want to hurt the kids who have nothing to do with this... what if instead of a gift, you involved your own kids in making a nice card? Are these nieces/nephews close enough to you so that they can be invited over to play for a day?

Families get bigger and bigger and sometimes the gift giving thing gets out of hand... even though your SIL gives things to her side of the family, if you wind down your giving, she can't fault you for it since she's not reciprocating. You can't force her to reciprocate, and you might start a family ruckus if you broach the subject with her. I wouldn't stress out about it, but if it were me, I would probably wind it down a bit until I got to the point that where I would just send a card with maybe a $5 or $10 tucked in. Involve your kids though so they can be part of the well-wishing and thoughtfulness.

As long as you don't make a big deal that "Auntie and Uncle So-and-so never remember your birthday" I think it will go right over your kids' heads. I know it's hard when you have inconsiderate relatives, I've been there! And that's why I just send cards now, and there's been no hurt feelings on the other side that I know of. Good luck!

S. in MN

I can definitely see how it would be hard to go out of your way to get their child a gift when they haven't done the same for yours, but I would do it and try to focus on the fact that it's a gift for a child and not for them. Now, if it was your SIL's birthday I definitely wouldn't get her anything!

When your next child's birthday is approaching, what about sending your brother an email saying something like 'I know you're super busy, so I'm just sending a friendly reminder that child X is having a birthday in two weeks. If you'd like to send a present, I know that s/he would really love....' and then attach a link to the item where he could order it online and it would automatically be sent? If it's really just an issue of his being busy, then you're taking 99% of the work out of it for him.

As for Christmas, I'd suggest just casually asking them in early December if you're exchanging gifts this year, and go by what they say... it doesn't have to be a big deal at all, just a 'hey I was starting to think about Christmas presents and was wondering if you wanted to exchange gifts/give gifts to each other's kids?'

Good luck!

K.

Everyone has different expectations and habits when it comes to family dynamics. If you love giving gifts to her chilldren, do! Your children probably don't know the difference unless you are talking to them about it and setting them up with the expectation and disappointment that you, yourself, are feeling.

If it is a better relationship with her that you want, send your SIL cards and gifts some times too... this will encourage her to establish the relationship with you (that she may be missing) that keeps her from connecting with you AND the kids.

In laws can see gift-giving to their children as something that YOU feel obligated to do rather than something that is meant to connect the two of you. She probably doesn't get that you want to have this mutual gift-giving be about you and her... If you do want this relationship, pursue IT rather than gifts for your children.

The gifts will follow once the relationship is secured.

Hi S.,

Instead of focusing on the fact that your brother doesn't send gifts, why not focus on how much your children have? I have never made my children's birthdays about the gifts. In fact, in general, WE don't even get them anything. They are so fortunate to have the things they "need" (I am one of those moms who doesn't buy designer clothes, electronic gadgets, etc.) but instead, a family who loves them, who is present in their lives, and parents who make their birthday special from the moment they wake up, until the moment they go to bed. We sing Happy Birthday many times during the day, we snuggle with them in the morning and I tell them their birth stories, we fix the meal they want for dinner, that type of thing. This is not because we can't afford it, but because we want the focus to be on them, not the gifts. My husband and I choose to take our children on frequent trips (skiing 2-3 times a year, overseas trips, vacations to Miami, etc.) so that we can spend quality time as a family. We do it inexpensively and still have a great time.

One year for my daughter's birthday, we asked that the guests bring books instead of a gift for her. We had invited her entire class to her party. We took the books to our local Women/Children shelter. Other years, we save the gifts for the collection boxes at Christmas time. For my kids, it is more about the party, spending time with their friends/family and having a great time.

Personally, I wouldn't ask your brother why he doesn't send gifts, I wouldn't buy them ahead and tell him he can pay you back, I simply wouldn't mention it. This can be a great learning experience for your children. Talk to them about how much they have...how other children in this country and other countries don't have nearly what they need. They are lucky children to have a mom who cares so much about them, feeds them, clothes them, loves them, keeps them safe.

Focus on all the positive things in their lives and not on something as inimportant as a missed birthday present.

I never buy gifts for my nieces or nephews but they know for sure that Aunt C. loves them. I tell them that every time I see them. I hug them and I kiss them and I ask them about their day, what is going on in school, tell me about your boy/girl scout troop, etc.

C.

No, it isn't about the recieving it is about the giving...blah, blah, blah. :) I had a friend who went through this and she and her husband finally spoke with a therapist because they really didn't know how to handle it. The suggestion: Don't give gifts...then you don't feel slighted when they don't make the extra effort for your family. Send cards on birthdays and whatnot to show that you are thinking of them. OR talk with your brother. I had to do this with mine when he forgot to give my stepkids gifts at Christmas. I told him how it made me feel and ask him if he would prefer not to give gifts at special occasions. Good Luck! God Bless Family - they try their best to drive each other crazy...

We had a similar situation with my husband's cousin. She would sometimes send gifts, but not always, so we decided that since they weren't close anymore to just forget it. If you are close to your brother then I woudn't do that. Giving a birthday gift is exactly that, about the giving. I understand your not wanting your kids to get hurt feelings and if they are older or as they get older it can be a learning experience about how giving is a good feeling and we don't do it to get something in return.

Hi S..

My hubby is not as busy as your brother sounds but hubby hardly remember birthdays of his own sister, mother and so on. I have now taken on getting stuff for the important events of his side of the family (as I do for my side of the family). I know that he does not mean to miss them or he waits till the last minute to get something (usually because he does not know what to get) so I want to help him. So don't be hard on your brother, it is sad that his wife does not take on the responsibility because she married into the family but that is their family choice.

In my family we always have made up a 'gift list' of what we wanted (variety of prices from $5 - $50 and where it can be bought) and sent it to everyone. Maybe you could make a list of gift ideas saying 'I know that Christmas can be stressful so -kids name here- has made up a little gift list to help take away some of the pressure of think of the perfect gift' or '-kids name here- birthday is right around the corner on -date of birth- and he/she wanted to share some gift ideas with you.' Just simple ways to remind your brother of what is coming up and with a simple list to pick something off of it might take of some of the pressure of finding a good gift. Maybe with an idea of what to get your child your brother can quick hop online, buy the gift, and have it shipped to you. That would take 5 – 10 mins tops, maybe suggested that so he knows it can be that easy.

Sorry it got so long... I am not the best at keeping things short! - K.

We have had a similar issue. It's tough! If you can, I would discuss gift exchanges with them. Find out what they would like to do, not to do. Cards versus gifts, etc.

If this is not comfortable for you, I would just follow your heart. If you are a gift giver and want to continue, do so! If it feels like a chore, then maybe just a card? You are obviously the more thoughtful person. I would stick to the high ground and not stop what you are doing out of spite. Believe me, I know that's what you feel like doing!

Good luck!

I know what you mean. My hubby has a sister who had her children while she was young. They are now 26, 19 and 15. All of those years, we sent presents and cards, etc because we genuinely cared about them even though they lived 1500 miles away from us. It was rare that we ever rec'd an acknowledgment. Towards the end, we began to stop sending presents to the 2 older ones (both easy-going boys) but sent cards with a little money $5 or $10. The younger child is a girl so we continued to send her presents. Then we had our first child 3 years ago. SIL moved to our town (only lives 10 miles from us) and forgets that she has a nephew. So, I think that some people are wired to think of their family more than people outside of their "family". I did also find out that SIL began disliking me shortly after she moved to our town (guess we were too close for comfort)so I know that's also an issue. I'm afraid we've never discussed it. It's just been communicated through my husband's parents. I do have my child send cards in his name to all of them at birthdays and holidays because that makes "me" happy to do but we don't exchange presents.Good luck! Please remember, do whatever makes "you" feel happiest and not what you think you "should" do.

I could very easily have written this - my brother and sil have all but forgotten they have a nephew and nieces. In eight years' time, my son (their godchild) has received two gifts from them - and we continue to remember their son's events, holidays, etc - and yes - it truly tormented me that my children get no more than a nod when in the presence of their aunt and uncle - and ask why later - but... i'm with most of the posts. i will absolutely continue to recognize my godchildren - because i am so honored to have them! as for my children - i did approach my brother - asking him if we've done something (by way of our children) so that they don't get so much as a hello - when present - (we go out of our way to visit with their children, etc, but due to STRANGE things with my sil - are limited to family gatherings only with them) - he admitted that he's busy - that he does forget to acknowlege the kids - and felt pretty badly about my calling it to his attention. forward? nothing's changed - but it's off my chest - and i'm ok with it. it's the way they perceive as 'ok' to handle communication/relationships/gift-giving. i continue to have my children shop for gifts for others - and encourage their giving little gifts to friends from time to time, not always with their name on them, etc - to encourage the gift of giving - and through the years, it's somehow lessened the blow of not receiving from their only uncle (on my side) - and also has taught them that we do things one way and other families do things another way - sort of tradition for us to remember everyone on our list, etc

i typed this quickly - have a fussy child behind me, but felt compelled to post - please ignore the typos and lack of sentences :)

My new sil has left my kids as well as me and my husband out of everything! She did ask my girls to be flower girls in her wedding but treated my oldest (10) differently than her 11 yr old cousin that was in the wedding including buying them different gifts and including her cousin but not my daughter in all of the bridesmaids fun...then she "forgot" to invite my husband to a diaper shower for my brother...she recently had a baby and she has made it clear several times that she doesn't want me to do anything to help her with the room, pictures (I take pictures on the side), or anything...she wants her friend that she calls the baby's "aunt" to do everything but then it never gets done...my brother works 14 hour shifts and isn't aware of a lot that goes on...they didn't call my daughter today on her birthday but she makes a huge post about all of her family or friends birthdays...I just don't know why after 3 years she doesn't treat us like her family!

S.,

I think you would be a lot happier if you let go of the "gift exchange" expectation. No where in the book of manners does it say that aunts and uncles need to give gifts. If you give your neices and nephews gifts, it should be because you want to, not because your kids will get them in return. In our family, my side give cards and gifts for every holiday. In my husband's family, they forget most holidays, (including birthdays and Christmas half the time) but will then be really generous for no occasion at all. Neither is right or wrong, just different.

S.

My brother who lives out of town doesn't do anything for the kids at Christmas or Birthdays either unless he happens to be in town. We always tried to send birthday cards with money when they were less than college aged, and his kids are 10 yrs older than our oldest so they always were around for Christmas and got gifts in the early years. It's just his preference, he'd rather spend the money on his own family and get what he knows they want/need than guessing about kids he doesn't know anything about. HOWEVER, I'm one of 5 siblings, so I could see where you would be bothered more.

Regarding your brother's kids, they will remember what Aunt S. did or didn't do, not what their dad did or didn't do for Aunt S.'s kids. So choose how you want them to think about you, not that it matters either way, except to you. If you choose not to continue gift giving, then sometime with your brother, notify the kids that it's been decided not to do so bc of ...

Have you ever told your brother it hurts your feelings? He could then ask his wife to fill in when he's too busy, or at least know it's an issue.

I think in this situation it is best to be the better more thoughtful person you already are. It can be hurtful that the thought is not returned, but ultimately that is not the reason why we choose to acknowledge and celebrate someone on their special day. Know in your heart that YOU are doing the right thing no matter how the rest of the family conducts their personal business.

I am not a huge gift giver and I rarely even send out cards. I also don't expect anyone to buy me or my child Christmas or birthday gifts (even my husband). When I come across something that I feel is just the perfect thing for someone then I give it but I don't wait until some holiday, I just give it spontaneously. I think getting all upset about someone not sending gifts is a waste of energy. Gift giving is not an obligation and frankly I feel is WAY overdone in our consumer oriented society. If you enjoy giving gifts then by all means do it. But to resent your sibling because he doesn't feel the same is only setting yourself up for unhappiness in life.

As far as the kids in my extended family, we decided as a family that we would draw names at Christmas and just send a gift to one niece/nephew. That way my son only receives one gift from his cousins rather than a pile of junkhe doesn't need.

HI S. - Have you talked to your brother about this? It seems like this is really bothering you and it's going to continue bothering you. If this has been going on for years, it's not going to stop unless you bring it up. And even then, it might continue, but at least you'll know you brought it up and tried to resolve it for your kids. When you do it, make sure that you stay objective and don't get emotional, because he may check out. But if you stay objective and just lay out why it bothers you, he's more likely to listen. This is really important to you! (I would leave out anything about what your SIL does for her family; this is about your brother and you and your kids....)

If after you talk to him he still forgets, you need to decide: does it bother you more to buy his kids gifts and remember he never does for yours, or does it bother you more that his kids might not get gifts from you and feel slighted? Then, you act based on that.

I understand how this happens when one person is doing all the shopping. I do all the shopping and if I left it up to my hubby to do his side, they would also not get anything. If you're brother is too busy and absent minded...there probably isn't much you can do about that other than maybe mention something nicely before the christmas event.

It is no fault of the children that they are the victims of someones absentmindedness. You can only control what you do. If you WANT to give his kids a b-day gift, then do so. It will be from your heart and you will be able to sleep better at night knowing that the child isn't wondering why he didn't get one from your family. The present would be from your family...not just you. So,...I'd still give one, and I'd probably make it a point to mention it to your brother. To help make it easier for him to give gifts for your children, you could suggest buying the gifts ahead of time for him and at Christmas, etc...he could just write you a check for what he owes you for the presents.

I have a friend who does this with her kids and her youngest brother, who is alwo very absentminded. He'll call and ask her what they want for christmas/birthday and she'll say..."Don't buy anything, I have the perfect gift already for them and if you just want to just pay me for it, I'll wrap it with your name on it from you." He ALWAYS agrees. Payment sometimes is missed, but at least her kids are not left out and she knows in her heart that her kids are being taken care of with no real loss to her, other than the cost of a present in which she was going to give them anyway.

I think that you should still remember your neice or nephew. It is not the childs fault that their parents have "forgotten" your children and it will be an example to your children that giving is the fun thing.

We are to live by example.

i have the same problem in our family...but as the saying goes "two wrongs don't make a right" I continue to send gifts for all seasons...in hopes that they will get the hint!

I would personally not send gifts to my brother's kids if it wasn't reciprocated. That is just me.

How lucky you are to get to stay home with your children now. How lucky they are to have you. Cherish your time with them and do not fret about the behavior of your brother and his wife. It seems a waste of time.

I'm curious, why do you give your niece and nephew presents, out of love or obligation? Your brother does not send presents but that does not make him an awful person, just a person who is busy. You cannot know for sure why his wife does not buy presents for your children, it might be due to something in their marriage that you do not need to know. If you love your niece and nephew do not punish them for the thoughtlessness of their parents. It is entirely up to you; however, do not expect to feel better if you stop sending presents, it seems to be important to you.

Hi S.;

I would call you brother and let him know that you understand how busy he is and may not have remembered his niece/nephew for the holidays and birthdays. Let him know that from now on you will purchase a gift of (agreed amount) and put his name on it.
He can then buy his kids gifts for the same amount and put your name on it. We do this with our SIL because it's easier we don't have to exchange $ or make the kids wait for a gift. I hope I have explained this well enough, if not let me know.
good luck
mary

Hi, i'm guilty of this too. I can never remember my husband's family birthdays. Christmas they are well covered but there are too many birthdays. I told him he should do his side and i will do my side. he has 6 nieces and nephews while i have 10 on my side and over half of mine live in town.
here is and idea make up a family photo calender for your family with everyones b-day on it and give it out as a christmas gift. that way everyone will know when peoples b-days are.