Question About Daycare

Let the mom know the secret may be out of the bag but that you totally understand why she made this choice. Otherwise, she might feel guilty . For no reason IMO...I think it is nice that she is giving the new baby the same kind of undivided attention that the first born got. Not to mention not making her inquisitive daughter be stuck and home bored to tears.

I am a middle child and felt the disadvanatges of not being firstborn or "the baby" keenly and so I may be biased in thinking this mom is making a great choice.

I understand a new mom wanting to give her newborn some special attention. But full time? Between you and me and the lampost, I would definitely tell that mother a thing or two if I were you! But it is all in your approach so she does not come back at you as defensive. I think you are already sensitive because your concern for her is a little more forgiving than I might offer nor would I be so sensitive worrying about upsetting her.... but the little girl knows and is definitely feeling left out.

I feel that a parent who has managed to avoid sibling rivalry or jealousy is exampletory. More parents than not, have not figured out how to avoid this. But this mother is just asking for this poor child to have raging issues and jealousy from the very start!

My vote is YES tell the mom what her child is saying.
You might say:
" I know that you think Katie doesn't know you are home with the baby but yesterday she told me this and today she said that and I feel she is very sad and confused. Perhaps we could call the time she is with me her special big girl time (though this little girl is only 3 for heavens sake!) but maybe cut it down to half the amount so she is not feeling left out?"
And then I guess the ball is in her court.
I admire your heart and the little girl is lucky to have you in her life. Maybe it might not be such a bad thing for her to be with you as much as possible!
The mentality of moms now days about how it is all about them and not the children who they chose to have saddens me. Too bad that they feel judged. How selfish to say that they would rather not know???! I'm afraid we live in such an "ALL ABOUT ME" world and are so concerned about OUR feelings....God bless the children!!!

I would want to know, but have it presented kindly (operating on zero sleep, I remember how tired I was and extra emotional). Our son also went to daycare after his sister was born, but all went smoothly. He was glad to get away from his crying sister! :)

I would say something like, "Daughter had a hard time today and said she missed being at home. I reassured her M. and daddy loved her so much and wanted her to have lots of fun. Then, I distracted her by working on an art project ..."

An energetic 3 year old can be a lot if you had a hard labour & delivery and recovery doesn't happen overnight. If you tell her anything try to keep in mind that you don't know the entire situation. There could be issues with the new baby that you are unaware of also. I agree with CAWriter mom below on the type of response.

Most caregivers know that having a new sibling at home is hard enough on little ones and then if that mom goes and messes up her routine too no telling how hard it will be on the little girl. I would simply tell the mom something like Jennifer S said below. That way the mom will know what is going on and she can give input. I would also let her know that you support her decision to keep the little girl in childcare and on her regular schedule. I like this mom for doing that. She understands how important consistency is.

Also, it is really not the caregivers business as to what a parent is doing while the child is in your care. It is your job to care for the child if they are at work, at the beauty shop, getting a massage, having a fling, taking dance lessons, playing hookie from work themselves, etc...they can hire someone to watch their children for any reason they want.

Well I too remember your first post on this so that might be coloring my perspective on how accurate your interpretation of the situation is. Assuming you are presenting this accurately...

I would approach it as "Suzy mentioned today that she was sad that you were home alone with the baby and she was upset that she didn't get to be there. How can I help? What do you think that I could offer to do here with her that will help her look forward to coming to daycare?"

Work as a team to make this transition period better for the child. I would hope that rather than unconsciously passing along your resentment about the situation that you are nothing but sunshine and happiness about this and emphasize that M. is busy with the baby changing stinky diapers and feeding the baby and helping the baby not cry that it wouldn't be much fun at home and isn't she lucky to be with you where she can play and learn and do all kinds of wonderful big girl things just like before the baby was born. That's the approach that my daycare providers took. And yes, I kept my children in daycare even when I was on maternity leave. It was better for them to maintain their schedules than to stop and start up again, and each baby should get as much one on one bonding time as possible. I was definitely more lax with our schedule, dropping them off a bit later or picking up earlier, but those days were actually quite busy and by having that time during the week to do errands with a newborn, I had more time on the weekends and at night to spend with my bigger kids. Please stop judging this woman for her choice.

I would not tell the mother- it sounds like you are making a judgment regarding her decision to have the older child in daycare. Honestly, she is probably exhausted and tyring to get used to the "up-all-night" again and needs her rest. Most of my friends have sent their older children to daycare after the birth of a sibling (sometimes just 1/2 days or 3 days a week). If their children expressed anything to the provider, they never knew.

I'm sure that she does want to be home b/c she has no idea how "quiet and boring" home is right now! I would encourage her to talk about the new baby, bring in pictures, build-up the "big girl going to school" concept and let mom rest.

If my provider said something to me, I would be really upset and probably keep her home... which would mean less sleep, more crankiness, less good time together, etc. Those of us who work full-time have a hard time when we are "full time" parents- I know, who admits to that? Well- me. I pay my daycare providers to enrich my child, love him and play with him when I can't (for whatever reason).

It won't come off as "not wanting to watch your daughter"... it will likely come off as "you aren't spending enough time with your child", which isn't the message you want to send to someone who is a hormonal roller coaster and who is completely guilt-ridden over working and having her kids away from her all day.

I would clue her in. With a new baby, she may need and want the break and may be thinking that it is better for the 3 yr old to have consistency. If she's on maternity leave, she may also be thinking that this is temporary and doesn't want to have to go back to FT and it be a tough transition back. She may also not want to lose her slot. If the baby will be with you, too, then maybe you and the mom can make calendars for the 3 yr old to point out when things will be "back to normal" with M. working. Or if you/she can swing it, maybe do a shorter week so the older one isn't so jealous.

It doesn't sound like you are passing judgment on this mom. As a daycare provider myself I would see how it would be a hard decision for a parent to make since there are pros and cons with either decision. As long as you tell her very gently or even tell the child to tell her mom how she feels about M. and baby being home without her. Make sure if you tell her to make it clear you don't expect her to change her daycare plan with you, just that you didn't want to hide these numerous comments from her daughter and felt she had a right to know. She can then make the decision to change the schedule some if the situation warrants it or simply to figure out how to give her daughter more one on one time when she is home. Good luck!

I would want to know. Maybe suggest she bring the little girl late or pick her up early....or keep her home at least once a week. Could she trade a day baby for daughter and have a day with the older child?

Hi,
I would want to know if it were my child. I think, we as parents sometime forget or dont realize how much our children understand. I would try and talk to the mother without the child present and in the gentlest way you know how. If the mom has all the hormones that you do after the birth of a baby you need to be prepared for the initial talk to not go well but I think if you just tell her that you enjoy caring for her child but that she does not seem happy. Hopefully she will think about it and either keep the child at home or have a conversation with her to explain the situation.
Good luck!

I think that it's part of your job to let the mom know what the child is communicating to you. You don't have to give your point of view - just tell her the facts.

Is the daughter with you FT 5 days a week. I'd feel bad, too. I'm all for bonding but if she is sending the daughter to you FT, that's kind of odd.

I remember your last post about this subject. you need to come clean with the family and just say "I need/want time off to spend with my own daughter before she takes off for summer break. You are wanting a break and sounds like you need it. You need to just say it and not push it off on the 3 year old lol.

for what it is worth, I would expect my caregiver to tell me everything that is worrying my child. Would you hesitate to tell the mom that her daughter told you about a scary dream involving water and she didn't want to go swimming now? Just an example but you can't overthink these things.

It is possible, the mom wanted as little disruption as possible in the 3 yo routine and perhaps didn't want to deprive you of any income