Question About Complicated Situation with My Husband...

Ask him if he needs some time to do something he enjoys. You're probably right. He probably does look at you having "fun" in his mind while he "toils" at his job. When was the last time he took some time off? I get what you mean. You're never getting a break, really, and personally I commend you for working at all with six children. Let him know you appreciate him and then let him share his feelings with you. .

I'm all in favor of the direct approach and having an open line of communication, but he still just might not get it. How about making a list of all the things you need to get done each day or a daily schedule of activites and posting it somewhere conspicuous? Then he can see in black and white how you don't really have time to get to those home projects either.

L.:

My husband had this misconception that SAHM sat around at ate bon-bon's all day. When he was laid off in 2002, he was home with me and the kids for 6 weeks and his blinders came off - he saw everything that was going on during the day while he was at work and realized that I was working harder and more than he did!

I would ask him to take a few days off while you are doing what you do to give him insight into what you do during the day. It's not all peaches and cream!

YOU TOTALLY Need a break too. A mother's job is NEVER ending - we are short order cooks, chefs, taxi drivers, events coordinator, psychiatrist, sociologist, scientist, launderer and the list goes on and on!

If he can't take a few days off, explain to him about your day - what you do, etc. and let him know that while it seems that SAHM's get it easy - we don't. You still work - you still earn money for the family.

This is the time you get for JUST you and your kids - no one else's kids - this should be a special time for you. I hope you get it!

It's a perspective thing. He envys the choices and variety your position offers. Also, people tend to think the grass is greener on the other side - he doesn't realize how much work reigning over 6 kids is. You appreciate what a good provider he is, but don't fully appreciate how trapped he is in his role. It's not like either of you can really do anything about it (you can't switch places), but you can have some honest communication about what you both experience as good and bad points of your situation - each needs to appreciate the other's point of view. Don't take eachother for granted. Eventually the kids will be grown and gone, and it will be just you two again. Count your blessings and work as a team.

Does he feel appreciated? I think what you do for your family is great and I know it's a ton of work!! Sounds like either he feels left out or just doesn't comprehend your daytime life. I'd try talking to him about it emphasizing comprehension and not confrontation. It may be something simple to fix, Good Luck!!

Ah, the age old failure of men to understand that taking care of ones children constitutes a full time job every bit as difficult as the one they do at work. Even the best men seem to have trouble with this from time to time. Having six children to entertain is both mentally and physically exhausting, but of course also extremely rewarding. Incidentally I sat and listened to one of my girlfriends complain about the same things to her husband who is a stay at home dad (and work from home acountant too) - "if he just got up at 5:00 like her he would get so much more done".

I think it is hard for them to imagine the amount of work that it takes to maintain a family - if the kids are at school all day and no-one is home no mess is made. With six kids in the house you are probably running ragged when they are all there.

I don't really have a solution for you except to say that most of us are there often, and even the best bread winners have this failing. So even though you have evey right to be mad at your husband know that this is a common problem, not a major personal failing.

It sounds like he may just be feeling left out of all the fun and extra time with the kids. I wonder if there is anyway to include dad with some of these activities. Does he get time off, can you do it on the weekend or the evening. Maybe every once in awhile you and the kids can plan a help-dad-activity. You mentioned he had things he can not take care of. Do something that makes him feel special and included. It can be hard on dads because they are usually left out, even when moms work because usually moms still plan time together with the kids while dads do not.I am referring to moms that get together. Maybe even try to plan something just for dad to do with the kids and you could get a break yourself. I hope this is helpful and God Bless.

Show your request/letter to him.

I just want to add my own spin to a couple of things, since you've already gotten some good suggestions:

1) You cannot overestimate the value of having him take 3 days off work to stay home all day alone with all 6 kids. Even if he has to use valuable, coveted vacation time to do it, it is equally valuable for him to get a ~real~ sense of what you do. And he needs to do it for more than one day, he needs to understand the monotony of it, and the physical exhaustion that builds up. And he needs to see how important it is that you DO find joy in the monotony, in the exhaustion, because it is time with your kids, and your kids deserve to be surrounded by love and joy (which is, actually, part of your job, to tamp down any unhappiness so that your kids are happy.... not an easy part of the job, I might add!).

During those three days, it would be really helpful if you took a temp job or something, so that you guys really are able to do an "exchange" (you can volunteer to do office work for a non-profit or something, if you have trouble getting hired by a temp agency or don't want to invest in that sort of relationship for just a 3-day gig). it's helpful if you spend those 3 days in his shoes, or as close as possible, so that you can also recognize that special kind of tired that comes from a long day at the office. It sounds like you've never worked an office job, or at least not in a long time, and it would probably do you some good to get some perspective on his life, too.

of course, I'm assuming here that he works an office job.... if he's working construction, or teaching, or a mechanic, or whatever, then adjust my advice accordingly (volunteer for habitat for humanity, or in a local school, or for a trade school... you see where I'm going with this....).

2) Talk talk talk to him. It sounds like he's feeling trapped and resentful. And he has a right to; it is extremely stressful to be the sole breadwinner, even for brief periods of time, and you need to acknowledge that stress for him. It is also not uncommon for a "regular" job to be monotonous, so it may be that you pointing out that there is monotony in your day seems to him to be dismissing the monotony in his. Let him talk about what's bothering him. Really listen. And then ask him what would help make things easier on him. Give him some power to address his own complaints. For example, you mention his comment about you getting to sleep in. If that's true, then maybe you shouldn't get to sleep in. Maybe it would be helpful if you balance your work days, so that you're both up at 6am, for example, and both of you spend your mornings "getting ready for work," which means showering and dressing, getting breakfast (and both of you can be involved in dressing and feeding kids, for example, because neither of you is "on the clock" yet). Then, it's agreed that when he heads out the door, you're both "on the clock," which means he's responsible for his job, and you're responsible for yours. You need to delineate exactly what your job is: is it just the kids? (and make sure he knows what "just" the kids is: outings, education, skills-building, what you'll be doing all day to accomplish what goals in terms of their development -- don't get out of control here, I'm not saying to micromanage your day or to become one of those crazy moms who can't just have fun with her kids.... I'm just saying, make a point of what you'll be doing that isn't sitting around watching TV and painting your nails all day!) and if it's more than the kids, then what? the kids and the house? what does "and the house" mean? cleaning? cooking? laundry? how often? what are his expectations of what you can accomplish during the day? are they reasonable? are you being reasonable? Really talk about this stuff, listen to him, ask that he listen to you, and write down your ideas so that you both end up on the same page. So much of this is about perception and expectations, so if you can clarify those, man, the battle is almost over.

then, once you really lay out your job description (because, for the record, that's what you're doing here: you have a job, and someone is questioning whether you're performing your job appropriately, so you need to sit down and define what your job is, so as better to assess whether or not you're doing your job... I suggest you talk in these terms b/c this isn't about "staying home with the kids," it's about what your job is, what your contribution to the family welfare is, and he needs to see that in the same light, the same terms, as when his job is evaluated.), you need to perform the duties as laid out, and he needs to leave you alone about any "extras."

with your job descriptions understood and your job performance no longer an issue, I suggest that you address your non-work hours and days: because you're both working during the day and thus both "on the clock" all day, the minute he gets home from work, you're both "off the clock." which means you're both done with your work days and you no longer answer to your job descriptions. which means you tag-team the kids, house, dinner, chores, etc. from that point on. At night and on the weekends, if he's not at his job, then you're not at yours. you're both just a couple of parents working together to do the best you can. Sure, sometimes one of you can make a point of "taking it from here" so that the other one gets a break, if one of you has had a particularly bad or particularly good day. but most of the time, you're a team, and you both recognize that you've both had long days but you're both parents and the day isn't over yet.

I really think that so much resentment about who does more (whether or not there are kids involved, but especially when there's a stay-at-home), is because couples forget to communicate and instead rely on passive aggression, insinuation, and side-comments, all of which lead to simmering resentment. Those aren't fun things. Neither are hard conversations, frankly, but they're a heck of a lot better than the alternative, right?

sheesh! this is long. I hope it's helpful, though. good luck!

best,
K.

i love that you are so appreciative of him even if he's not reciprocating right now. while my boys were smaller i had to work non-stop and i'm SO enjoying my new schedule as a teacher which allows me summers to enjoy!
i feel pretty guilty that my husband works so hard without a break, but like you i make sure that he's aware of how much he's appreciated.
i think the best thing to do is far from the easiest, and that's sit down and say 'honey, i'm getting some pretty weird vibes from you. let me tell you what i'm thinking and you tell me if i'm right or not.' then tell him what you've shared with us here. it may be that he's preoccupied with something else and just grumping at you to vent, or it may be you're right and he needs to confront it and think it through.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Hello,

Personally, I think you should have a talk with him and find out why he is making you feel this way. You should not feel guilty! I stay home to raise my children as well and take care of the home. My husband understands that this is my full time job. Taking care of 6 kids is no easy task...lots to do! Communication with him is key! That's what is huge in a marriage to avoid resentment and misunderstanding towards one another needlessly!
Good luck!

You know, I read somewhere what a stay at home would make in income if she got paid for all the jobs she did! Let's just say, our husbands couldn't afford us! ;) I think if your husband had a full day at home with your kids, doing all the things you do while your "having fun with your kids" like laundry, food prep, house cleaning, directing activities for the kids, etc.--he would then have a greater respect for what you do! But let's face it--even if guys stay at home with the kids, 9 times out of ten they will not do everything we do. So I've learned that we have to just understand how hard our job can be sometimes, knowing all it entails, and realize we probably will never be truly understood by our husbands! But be encouraged--every momma I have ever talked to, gets it! I f you don't think talking to him will do anything, you may just have to be the bigger person and just let his jealousy roll off your back, knowing that the sisterhood of moms know your right and we get it!

What we're talking about here is "unpaid caregiving." What you are doing IS work, and just because you enjoy it doesn't make it "not work." It's good to see this in a bigger context, too--there's currently a push to get some form of Social Security credit for the years women tend to take off during their working lives to stay home and "not work." The attitude you're talking about is very ingrained.

Having said that, I do think men can feel handcuffed to their jobs. They see women moving in and out of the workforce and all they see is "flexibility" and none of the downsides (lifetime loss of earnings, mommy tracks etc). It might help things if you could talk to your husband about his own feelings of being tied down, and look at ways he and you might deal with that. Just don't allow him to say what you're doing isn't work, because it is. Isn't it possible to have a job you love? Of course it is!

Well most husbands dont understand what it is to watch a bunch of kids all day. Chances are if he were in your shoes for the day he would gladly go back to his own. That being said something to make him stop making you feel guilty would be to estimate the cost of childcare for all your kids all summer long if you were working full-time. That usually puts things in perspective. You are making money in the sense that you are saving a ton of money by being home with your kids and not having to send them to daycamps etc.

What you are doing is valuable to you and your children and he needs to get over it. Your children are forming memories that will last their whole lives and mean a lot to them. Maybe you need to thank him often about how hard he works and help him to feel that what he does is important.

Hi L.,

I don't think you're being selfish nor should you feel guilty about doing what you're doing and time with your own children. However, what you might want to do is make "date nights" for just the two of you where you can keep "in touch" and remember why you fell in love and got married to begin with. I'm sure he's feeling guilty himself about not being able to spend that time with the family and having to work. Maybe you can find some time where he has "free time" where at certain times in the month/week where he does whatever he feels like doing - including sleeping in and/or maybe the kids could take him breakfast in bed occasionally.
Not sure what others are doing or their ideas but I have found with my married friends that once they take time for themselves it has always helped make things better. Hope this helps and God bless.

Hi L.,
You have gotten some good advice. I agree that you should talk with him and see why he feels the way he does.It could be something going on at work that he is having to deal with. So when he comes home it seems as though you are having the time of your life and he is hard at work.

Don't misunderstand me. I know that being at home with 6 kids is work all by itself.

I agree with Renee as well. If you can, spend some quality time with him. I am not sure if you do this or not but have his favorite dinner ready for him when he gets home one day and whatever else he likes. Sometimes men can get a little envious of the time that their wives are spending with the children and they tend to feel neglected and left out.

Be blessed!