Question About Additional Frozen Embryos

Updated on September 28, 2006
K.L. asks from North Haven, CT
6 answers

The baby that I am carrying now is the product of in vitro fertilization. Our second round of IVF was successful, leaving us with 7 additional frozen embryos. I am really having such a hard time with this. I am not a religious person so those factors don't weigh in for me. However, I believe my ethical concerns on the matter are the same as for everyone else. And I am just really struggling here. I think about our 7 embryos constantly. So, the question I am posing is - What do you think you would do with any "extra" embryos? Assuming that you had all the children you wanted and you ended up with additional embryos, what would you do with them? I know that for many this is just a hypothetical and you might have difficulty imagining what you would do in such a situation, however, I thought maybe this message would also reach ladies who've gone through IVF and have been there.

What I would love to be able to do is embryo adoption for a couple battling with infertility. I think that would just be such a wonderful thing to do. I just don't know if I CAN do it, no matter how much I WANT to. I think that I could have been an egg donor with minimal internal struggle. I think I could let go of my eggs for someone else quite easily. But to give up OUR child - mine and my husband's child, our children's 100% biological siblings - it just seems so much different and so much harder. It feels more like giving up one of my kids for adoption rather than just donating an egg, you know? On the other hand, I just berate myself for being so selfish! I mean, I would be giving those embryos a chance at life and giving a couple the chance to be parents. So, it just feels selfish to NOT do it. And then I worry about things like - Would I be plagued with worry over whether or not they're good parents and are treating "our" child well? Would it be easier to do an open or closed adoption in this case? Would it be better to hear frequent updates or to never hear updates at all? Would I feel a sense of loss and feel like a part of our family is missing? Or would I just feel happiness over giving such a great gift? AHHH! It's all so confusing!

Anyway, I know this is a very personal decision and everyone has different thoughts and feelings on it. I was just wondering what others thought about it and what they might consider doing in this situation. Maybe it will help me to gain a little more perspective reading the thoughts of others. Right now, I think the only options I would consider are embryo adoption or to donate them for stem cell research. Just to discard them or to donate them to just any couple are out of the question (doing an embryo adoption is pretty much the same as adopting a baby/child in that the parents have to be screened and we get to choose).

Thanks so much for considering such a complex question!

Edited to add: And I just want to reiterate what Jodi said in her response, "we each are entitled to our own beliefs and opinions." I know that this is a very emotionally charged topic and that each of our beliefs on it will be very different. It's not my intention to start a debate here or to upset anyone so please just try to keep in mind that every believes differently and lets keep this friendly. Thanks so much everyone!

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J.M.

answers from Washington DC on

I am almost hesitant to answer this question for fear of being verbally crucified, however I do have an opinion I am willing to share. Adoption is a wonderful thing, I myself was adopted and raised by wonderful people, and I believe that your consideration is both warrented and unselfish. However, as a mom, if I were to put myself in your shoes, I would worry about the "embryo" and the family that is was given to. Yes, screenings can be done, but people and situations can change, making an ideal one go wrong. I feel very stongly that stem-cell research is completely worthwhile and needed; that if I had the option to help by donating cells to save lives, possibly thousands of lives, then that is the way I would go. I hope this helps, and please to everyone else, we each are entitled to our own beliefs and opinions.

2 moms found this helpful
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D.

answers from New York on

Your situation is a tough one. I think it's wonderful that you are considering donating your embryo's to stem cell research or going the adoption route. My personal feelings would be to not keep in touch with the parents that would be doing the adoption. I would want to know the facts of course of their history, medical background, etc. & I would like to meet them, but I think it would be really hard to hear updates about the children. It would give me a false sense of hope that I may one day see them & be part of their life. It wouldn't be fair to their adoptive parent's. There are many people who are not able to have their own children & this is a way to share your life with theirs. Stem cell research is also vital for finding many cures for illness that take so many lives. What would I do? I think I would do 1/2 & 1/2. I would donate to both causes. I wish you well with your new child and I hope you find peace in the decision that you & your husband make. It takes a very "special person" to do what you are doing. Best of Luck!

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J.H.

answers from Boston on

Hi K.!
Wow - this is a subject I too thought of constantly. I went thru a regular IVF that didnt take, so I had 13 frozen embryos remaining. Before going thru the frozen embryo transfer I wondered what I would do with the remaining if the transfer resulted in a pregnancy (which it did! yay us!). During the defrosting process of the 13, only 4 survived. I felt sad for those that didn't make it and thought of them often. My sisters do not understand that feeling, but - I felt a loss.
Before the transfer, tho i gave it a lot of thought. For all the reasons you stated - I could not offer them up for adoption. It would drive me crazy knowing "my" child was out there. Altho, I wanted to help all those that werent as lucky as I was. So - I thought the next best thing would be donating them for research. Which is what I would have done. I am a full donor myself, and believe we have to learn and advance with whatever methods available to us. Good for you for researching and soul searching your decision. Whatever you decide, know that you are making a good decision.
Congrats on your pregnancy!
Jo.

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D.

answers from New York on

You are right, this is one of those hot point subjects, but here goes. I would do the adoption thing. There are so many people out there that want children so badly and can't have them on their own. I personally have a friend who, all 6 of his sisters went through early menopause (late 20's early 30's) and can't have their own kids. Honestly, people who want kids that badly are the kind of people that we want as parents. My aunt and uncle couldn't have kids of their own and have adopted 4 kids, but it's still different. You never get to feel that child growing inside you. I personally love that feeling. And if I had the chance to offer that to another mother I would. There is nothing like it in the world. You know your child before it's even here. And yes these are your biological children, but you don't know them like you know your own kids, so it's not quiet the same. If given the oppurtuntity, I would opt for the adoption.

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J.

answers from Washington DC on

hi K.,
to be short and sweet -- i have 1 or 2 (it's been a while) frozen embryos from ivf. not sure if i will use them or not, probably not. i would love to donate them for stem cell research. i feel the same way you do about donating them to a couple. i LOVE the thought of that, esp b/c what i've been through, but just can't. i feel like i'd need to know the child... anyway, donating to research would be my choice if the fertility center would do that. i haven't looked into it in depth though.
good luck w your decision :)
J.
ps congrats on your baby girl!

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T.L.

answers from York on

Hi K.! I currently have 4 frozen embryos that I plan to use but if I didn't and had all the children I wanted I think I would donate them to a couple who could not have children. My husband and I know the pain of infertility all too well and I would want to help someone else in any way that I could. Of course I would think about them but then I would look at the child I do have and know that the other couple are as happy as I am. Ultimately the decision has to be up to you and your husband. Good luck in whatever you choose. And Congratulations on your new little bundle!!!!

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