I have a friend whose father died a few days ago. She and I met through our daughters in school. We recently moved a ways away and our girls don't get together often, but I do still consider her a friend of mine although we don't get to talk as often. We are not best friends by any means. But we do enjoy each others company when we are together.
She is having a memorial service for her father in a few days and sent me and a lot of other people an invitation through Facebook. I know she will have a lot of people there including a lot of her local friends and her family. However, I would like to pay my respects in some way. I did not know her father, as he lives out of the country.
What is the proper thing to do in this situation? Should I make the drive to the service? Should I send a card? What would you do? I have already let her know I am praying for their family and that I love them all very much. So she does know I am thinking of them.
Thanks!
Make the drive to the service and show up personally if you can. Nothing beats that, BUT if you are definitely unable to make the service, send flowers and a card.
I would look at the obituary or call the funeral home to find if they have selected a charity "in lieu" of flowers. If they have, make a donation in her father's name and send a hand-written card. If they have not selected a charity, send a card to the home and a potted plant to the funeral home.
If you really feel like making the drive, I would do so in a month or two when things have calmed down and others have stopped checking in on her.
I think a heartfelt card would probably be good enough if long travel is involved. But the hug she would recieve from you by you being present is not to be discounted either. It's hard, I hate going to services and will be attending one this saturday myself.
I was always taught if at all possible, Go to the funeral. It shows the greatest respect and effort.
If that is not possible a beautiful card and a donation (if they have requested no flowers) to a charity you think she is fond of or the Charity they have requested.
I am sorry your friend has lost her beloved father. Anything you do from your heart will be appreciated.
You can send flowers. Not many people think to send flowers to a mans funeral, so it is always appreciated.
Send a card. A card is the bare minimum that you should do if you don't do anything else.
Also go to the service if you can. Even though you are not BFF close to her, you are friends and I'm sure that she would appreciate your showing of support on this day.
If it is not possible for you to make it to the memorial, then call her and let her know that you won't be able to make it and let her know that you are thinking of her and give her a chance to talk if she is up for it.
I try to attend all funerals, or at least send a card. Below is what I do for the different situations.
Family funeral: I go unless I can not afford the plane ticket. If I am unable to go then I call to see if anything is needed (money for food, flowers and so on) and pitch in by sending money or ordering something.
Friend funeral:
--- Good friend who has passed, I try my best to go unless I can not afford it. As well as send card, flowers or donation.
--- For a so-so friend, I send a card. If it is close by I go but more then two hours I just send a card to the family.
--- For a child of a friend, I go unless I can not afford to. Send card, flowers or donation.
--- If it is for a family member of a friend I go if I knew the family member well, or if I am very close with that friend as they would need support from me. Card and donation or flowers. I usually do not go if I have to fly or the drive it over 5 hours. Still send the card and donations/flowers.
--- If it is for someone I never meet, not very close with the friend and the funeral is over an hour away I send a card, sometimes with a little donation or flowers but do not go.
Having gone through the deaths of both my parents, I would just like to say that ANY expression of kindness and sympathy on ANY level, from ANYone, meant the world to me. Do what you feel comfortable with, and also consider, if the tables were turned, what you would appreciate the most.
In addition to the other advice, you might also call her around holidays to check on her. My experience is people forget about the person's loss very quickly and don't realize how hard those times are for them.
In my experience and view, I have seen people very pleased to see that you set things aside to be there to support them during their difficult times.
The only time I saw this as overwhelming was a co-worker who lost her son who was a Freshman in college, to a drunk driver. There were so many co-workers, HS students, HS teachers, family, and friends, that she literally went down in distress.
If you think there is going to be so many people there that it will be overwhelming to her, than don't go. If it is affordable and you are able to make it, make her day and show your support.
If you can't make it to the memorial service, send something to her house--a plant, a fruit basket, a memorial throw, etc. and send a nice card to let her know (again) that she & her family are in your thoughts and prayers.
My Dad died a few weeks ago, we had him cremated and had a memorial service for him. We had plants and flowers from friends and family at the service. But the one thing that really was helpful were the food giftcards we recieved. My parents live a good distance from us and other relatives and friends. His service was very quick and there were a lot that couldn't make it because of the day and time of the service. We understood. Not all can make it. Send her a card with a gift card to a resteraunt or grocery store. That way she knows you are thinking of her and are helping in anyway you can. Hope this helps. Good luck and God Bless.
I agree that continuing to keep in touch can be particularly helpful. When my sister died several years ago I got support the first two weeks from friends and co-workers and then nothing. Needless to say, I wasn't over her death in two weeks. I really needed someone to keep periodically asking how I was doing or being willing to listen while I talked about how much I missed my sister. Holidays and anniversaries can be particularly tough, too. But I also found that my graduation was tough because she'd been there for all of them (even when she was pretty sick with cancer) except the last one, which was a few years after her death and my wedding was hard too. So, continuing to check in might be helpful. I've also sent gift certificates for restaurants that delivery food or have take-out so people don't have to cook if they're not feeling up to it. No one ever said whether that was helpful, but I know if I were there I'd be bringing over meals, so I try to do something for friends who are far away.
I would do what you feel comfortable doing. I would go to the service if you can. If not, send a card. Definitely keep in touch over the next few months as that's when the contact from others dissipates even though your emotions are still strong.
