The mother of the maid of honor in my wedding passed away recently and the funeral is this week. I'm going back and forth as to whether I should go as it's a 5 1/2 hour drive which I'd have to do at 5 am in order to get there in time. I also need to be back by 6PM as my husband has to work. Am I crazy for even considering this? My husband thinks so since I haven't really seen her Mom in 10 years or so, but I don't want to not go just because it's inconvenient.
Thoughts?
Oh honey. Send a card, send flowers, make a donation in her name, whatever. No one would reasonably expect you to make that drive.
If it were me, I would call her, send flowers or make a contribution in her Mom's memory, and plan to visit her a few weeks after the funeral when you may have enough time to spend with her without being rushed. She will need a good shoulder, and that would likely mean so much to her.
Send a card - add a personal sentiment and I'm sure your maid of honor will understand. I would NEVER expect someone to drive that far for my Mother's funeral; especially since you hadn't seen her in 10 years. Would it be nice that you attended? Sure! But trust me, I've just been thru this and I would never have expected non-family members to drive that far. If you had been in contact with her and corresponded on a regular basis then it would be different.
You might also look at the announcement and see if donations are asked for a charity (in lieu of flowers) - maybe send in something to honor her. Some people did that with me for my Mom; it meant a lot!!
Drive 11 hours in one day? I would certainly understand if my friend didn't come to the funeral if she had to drive that much. Of course call her and send flowers or make a donation to what she believed in.
Your proposed schedule is
Leave at 5a.
Arrive at 11a
Leave at 12p
Arrive by 6p
I don't see it as doable. I can guarantee that there will be some traffic incident that ties up traffic one or both ways. I can guarantee that even if you do make back in time, is only spending 45 mins to an hour worth 12 hours driving? What about stopping to eat? What happens when you do get home by 5:45, you'll then be in charge of the kids when all you want to do is sleep.
Send a card, a gift basket and/or a really nice arrangement for the service.
Wow, under those circumstances (5.5 hrs away, need to be back 13 hrs after you left home & not seeing the mom in 10+ yrs), it would be too much to do. (This coming from a woman who drives/flies/or takes a train 400 miles home for every close family or friend's funeral).
5.5 hrs of driving each way = 11 hrs of driving, only 2 hrs of time for the funeral. It doesn't allow time for any roadside mishaps, delays with the funeral, etc. I would just call your friend and express your condolences and explain that you wish you could be with her for the funeral, but can't. She will understand.
My sympathies to you and your friend. No you aren't crazy. You should go if at all possible. I don't think you will ever regret being there for your friend. Maybe husband could go into work late considering the circumstances. People are generally very understanding when it comes to things like this, work may give him a few hours off so you don't feel rushed. After all she was a friend of the family.
It doesn't matter how often you have seen her mother, funerals are about the living. If this is your friend you need to be there for her.
My usual thought on things like this is simply a question. Would they be there for you? If their situation was the same? If you can answer it with a yes, then you have your answer.
My maid of honor is my best friend. She also lives a 2 hour plane trip away. However, if her mother died, their is not question in my mind. I would attend. My husband also works different hours, as well as has to travel on business. If it were me, I would find another person to watch your children so you could attend.
You are not crazy, you are considerate. How close were you to her mom and are you still close with your maid of honor? And, you would go because your heart tells you to go. Now, if it is difficult and you will have to turn everybody's schedule upside down, race there and race back, then do not go. Call, give your heartfelt condolences, explain why you can't go and I am sure your MOH will understand.
The highest form of respect is to attend the funeral.
If there is any way to make this happen, do consider it. If not,send a nice card and make plans to go and see your fiend soon.. Maybe even offer to help her, go through her mothers things.
This is one of those times when you send a card and go visit her after the funeral. While she would undoubtedly appreciate you being there, spending 12 hours in the car is unreasonable and unnecessary. I know that may sound uncaring, but you won't have time to stay and visit following the service and she really won't be in the "visiting mood".
After my daughter was born, my parents were with me in NY. Their closest friends lost a parent and they had the same thought. Why not drive 4 hours each way to attend the Mass? My mom was angry with me at first, but I talked with her about whether or not it really made sense to spend 8 hours in the car for a 45 minute service where you would not have time to spend with the friend. After her initial annoyance at my suggestion, she realized that it made more sense to send a donation (per the family's request) and make plans to visit them at another time. She called her girlfriend who appreciated the idea and they made plans then to go to Aruba for a long weekend together. In the end, more supportive and enjoyable for all parties!
This sounds "reasonable" to you right now because you want to be there, but in reality if you hit traffic or the service runs long or you can't get out of there on time... you're putting your husband in a real jam.
Your husband is right.
Since you're not close just send some flowers with a nice card. You could write in some nice memories you had of her if you like. But as for going this far, no it's not expected of you.
She is your best friend, you should be there for her if you can be.
It isn't about her mother, it is about your friend. Only you can decide if it is worth it to spend that much time in the car, but I will tell you this. I remember each and every person that came to my dad’s funeral. I especially remember those who made a significant trip to be there and it meant the WORLD to me..even to this day - 8 years later. Even though I didn’t spend hours talking to each and every one, it was a tremendous comfort to know that they cared enough to come. I spoke at my dad’s funeral and seeing those faces are what helped give me strength.
Can your hubby rent a car or make other arrangements for work? I would try and go and be there for your friend!
You don't have to go to the funeral but I would send flowers to let her know you were thinking of her during her loss.
If it were me, and I believe in the scripture- mourn with those who mourn. I attend lots of funerals & visitations, for friends parents whom I haven't seen in 20+ years. If it's a 5 hour drive and the time constraints are that tight, I would probably skip it. I have missed numerous out of town funerals, and sent cards of concolence instead. I would say if you really feel the need to go, go to the visitation the night before, and maybe stay the night?
Yes, go. No question. My mother passed away many years ago and I still remember the people who were there to support me and those who weren't. It means so much to the family, so please make the effort for your friend.
Its not only for the mom...its also about being there for your friend. I've gone to a few where I didn't know the grandparents who passed away but I wanted to support my friend who lost someone they cared about. I also know that if I was in her position, it would mean a lot that you came.
