Question - Rancho Cucamonga,CA

Hi Krystal:
I believe,this incident made you second guess your fiances true feelings regarding his relationship with your son more than anything else.Yes, it hurt your feelings,but more than that,you hurt for your son.Hes still very young,and won't remember this incident years from now,however you will.Unfortunately,we can't take back,whats already been said.Thats why its important to (think before you speak)Whats troubling,is that your fiance barely knew this individual,yet felt,it warranted an explanation.Had your son been four or five,and he openly denied his close relationship with him,this could have been extremely damaging to the boys self, esteem, and destroyed an otherwise wonderful relationship.I'm not saying,this incident,should be reason to end your relationship,however, it is good reason to have a very serious discussion regarding his true feelings. I believe,he needs to make up his mind.If he wants to be your sons father figure,then act like a father.Don't confuse him,by denying the relationship he has built with him. EVER.Don't profess,to play a vital part in this boys life,then make lite of the significant difference the boy has made in his own.I want to add,that I have two beautiful Grandchildren, 14 and 15 whom I love more than life itself.Their mother abandoned them about 2 years ago and their Grandfather and I spend a great deal of time with them.I can't count the times,that i've been out with them,and someone would comment" Your mom" It's touching,when neither of my Grandchildren will dispute my given title at the time.No correction from them and who am I to deny them? To have someone declare their mother cared enough to take them shopping? We simply smile at one another.I think you need to let your fiance know, that you didn't take his comments lightly,and that he needs to do some soul searching. You need to come to some agreements regarding his relationship with your son.You don't want him hurt.I wish you and your son the very best.

Men's brains don't always work real well when caught off guard, and they can't always think of an "answer."

Since this was just an acquaintance and not a real good/close friend... there is no obligation to give all details about "who" or "what" or "how" his position is with your son. Not everyone has to know, nor do we have to feel we "have to" give all the details to a "stranger" about our personal lives.

He could simply say "yes" when someone asks if this is his son. No need to go into detailed "explanations."

Next, does your Fiance "really" feel like your son's "Dad?" Emotionally? THIS makes the difference... you can't "force" someone to feel like a "Dad"..... nor to feel completely unconditionally "bonded" with a child. It can take time. But since your Fiance has known your son since he was 4 months old... you certainly do deserve a heart to heart talk about it... and how he feels about it. Without criticism. HOW exactly DOES your Fiance feel about his "role" with your son? I REALLY think you need to know this.... especially for future decision making. This is important after all. If not, well, you really don't have much to go on... nor for a future together. Your son IS a component in this relationship....and in your son's stability and well being, and as a future "family" together. I think you really need to get this figured out.

Your son calls your Fiance "Dad." Now, does your Fiance feel comfortable about this and with his role in all this?

You should be able to talk openly about it with your Fiance...and if you are "irked" about it and his reaction to that acquaintance.... then talk about it, but not in an "accusatory" way... but just about what it all means, to you and to him and your son. A situation like this will probably occur again... so, figure it all out now.

Really, sometimes though, Men are just "clumsy" with things like "social" etiquette... so give your Fiance the benefit of the doubt.. BUT do have a nice talk about it. And DO figure it all out... because since he is your Fiance... one day you will be married.. and then what about your son, the legality of it... will he "adopt" your son... how much does all this matter to you all as a 'Dad', a "Mom" and for your son? You need to get it figured out... because sooner or later, it will all need to be put down on paper and made "legal." Right?

Good luck,
Susan

Some people like to keep things like that a secret like others will judge the kid if one of the adults is not the biological parent. Mostly people don't. Anyway, I don't think that his response was horrible, because she did ask "is he yours" as in is he your biological son and he said no, but he did say that basically he raised him. You should feel comfort that he takes the interest and care in your son that he does and remember that he is more of a father then the guy who helped you conceive him in the first place.

He was caught off guard. I would not worry about it at all.
Let him know it hurt you and you wish he would have responded differently but let it go after that. I am sure he loves your son and meant no harm.

I would say just let it go. Maybe he was caught of guard, but the definately not part would bother me! I would just let him know it hurt your feelings if he is otherwise a nice guy.

Hi, Krystal,

Here's my view--don't let what happened bother you. Your fiance was HONEST. I think that honesty is in very short supply, so you are luckier than a lot of people in terms of who you are choosing to marry.

Good luck,
Lynne E

Krystal, I definitely know how you feel. No, you did not over react. I think it's normal & actually feels good to know I haven't been over reacting. I have 2 kids from prev relationships & I am the same way with my husband. I don't like when he or the kids tell people "this is my "step" kid or dad ". The "step" makes a seperation & anyone who is a friend knows the situation & doesn't have to ask. I think that as mothers we tend to want the best for our children & do not want them growing up with the complex that some people have who grew up with "step-parents" I agree with you 100%. That lady was not a friend & he should have gave her a simple "yes, this is my son". I think you should sit him down, tell him how you feel, & what your expectations are as your son's father. That way he know where you are coming from & you nor your son will not have that problem in the future. Fight for your baby!

Hello Krystal,
I can only share my experiences with you. My now adult daughter has never had anything to do with her father. She only knows his name and spent some time with him when she was very young.

My husband has been around since she was 12 years old. He completely accepts her as his daughter even when she was young and defiant. In my opinion, I am surprised he didn't run because she was such a handful as a teenaged girl. If asked he will always say that is his daughter, however, she tells her friends that is her dad, but will NOT call him dad. She says she is fine without a dad and it is just weird.

So when we had our baby, he asked her if she would call him dad around the baby and she had the okay whatever that is just weird attitude about it and never did it. Now the baby is 3 and will probably soon be asking why sissy doesn't call dad dad and where is her dad. Although she deserves to know the truth, it is difficult to explain.

Bottomline...everyone is happy and healthy. She annoys me when I think about it too much, but it is not the end of the world so I have to shake it off. So my suggestion to you is if you are happy in your relationship, let it go.

don't give him any grief. talk to him and ask him if he felt uncomfortable in that situation and why. tell him you understand, and are so happy that he's your son's "dad", even if isn't biological.

He doesn't love you or your son any less, just because he tripped on his tongue. Guys are really bad at communication and knowing the "right" thing to say, especially in weird situations. I think it was innocent enough. but do talk w/ him and help him know what kind of response you were hoping for, and hopefully you both can work on a response that works for both of you for the next time you run into old friends! :)

Krystal, I certainly understand your hurt. However, you're not married and he hasn't adopted your son, so nothing is set in stone. Maybe he loves your son, but deep down he's feeling a little insecure about the relationship? It is possible that he didn't want to misrepresent things. If your son is two, and she thought he was his, that would put him impregnating you almost three years ago. If he was in another relationship at that time, maybe he didn't want a timing conflict that might cause some talk among old friends and acquaintances. Have a heart-to-heart talk and discuss what you would have expected him to say and what you'd prefer he say in the future. I'm sure as time goes on and after the marriage, he will say exactly what you wanted. My father also met my mother when I was just weeks old. He was the only father I ever knew and he loved me. So much so, that I was 16 before I ever found out he wasn't my biological father. Good luck!

Hi Krystal - I'm sure that exchange took everyone by surprise. It sounds like he's a good guy, that he made an oops (especially because he said this boy is pretty much mine). I'd have you ask him to consider how confusing that conversation must have been to your son. And how you couldn't help having your feelings hurt, even though it was innocent. Tell him how much you love him and how important he is to you and your son. And then forgive him and move on!

he should have deffinately handled it better because you two ar getting married soon and he will be taking legal responcablity for your son. he should have told her that he is his son but not biologically. that i think would have sounded better. i would be severely upset if my husband did that especially if my child called him dad. i think that he will get better as time goes on he will settle into his roll as dad :)

Not alot of resonses yet so I'll give my two cents.

I agree with Krystal L. I think he was just caught off guard. Not that his response was ok, I toke it as hurtful also and can totally understand your hurt in this matter.
But he isn't his biological father, so his response is correct it just came out very bitter instead of, no he's not my biological son but he does know me as daddy because I've been around since he was a newborn, and I love him as my own.

I would talk to him about his answer let him know that it hurt you, even though you know he didn't mean for it to have come out the way it did. But go over his response with him so that if this conversation ever comes up again he'll already know what to say, and he won't say anything that your son could take the wrong way. Because you never know when kids are listening, and this could have really hurt his feelings. Don't come off as bossy or demanding. Just concerned as to how he want's this info to bounce of your son. Because the stupidest things can come out of our mouths, and that's not how we ment them. Hope this helps. Maybe you should let him read your responses. Good luck! J.