Quarrling Brothers at Playtime

We have the same problem at our house only my boys are 2 and 3. What I do is set aside a half hour everyday for my oldest to play in his room. I explain he is not in trouble and his little brother is not aloud to bother him. He gets to take toy of his choice or blocks or something that his brother never lets him finish when thay are together. This also gives me 1 on 1 time with the little one who tends to need more attention.

Hi A.,

I realize that you mentioned that you typically make the older one "try" for 5 minutes to play with the little one or just "cave in" and play for a little while, but believe me when I tell you that this is ONLY making the situation worse. I know with 4 kids (especially when two are twins) that it is sometimes easier on you to have your older son entertain the younger one so that you can care for your twin girls. However, the younger brother is learning that if he pesters long enough, he will get his way. And your older son will grow to resent the fact that he feels like he has to 'parent' his younger brother. Your younger son will continue his strategy as long as it is working and he is getting his way, and he is learning that if he is persistent and pesters longer, you will eventually give in and make his brother play with him. Instead, maybe you can teach your younger son ways to entertain himself so that the older brother can get some time to himself. Even kids need time alone.

And if the little one won't cooperate with verbal instruction, then it's time to put him on a 'naughty' mat or take away privileges if he continues to pester his brother about playing with him. He may ask, but if big brother says no, then "no" means "no." Please nip this in the bud now before your little one is disillusioned into thinking he will always get his way in life and become a disruption in school as well.

IF it was my kids, I would not be telling the older one that he has to give in to his brothers bad behavior and play with him. Your older child is not there to entertain your younger one. The younger one needs to learn that, and you are preventing by making your older child give in. THat will only cause resentment on the part of the older one. Let him do his own thing, and make an effort ot find something that they do have in common and can do together. Perhaps they like the same movies, or perhaps you can get the younger one a sport coloring book/playdough set, so they can do something crafty the older one likes, that has to do with somehting the younger one likes too. You should be teaching your youngest son about boundaries, and personal space/time. The older one should not have to entertain your other children if he does not want too, he is not their parent.

Have you tried having playdates for your younger son ?
When he is so bored and won't leave the older alone, call a friend with a child of similar age and interests, and ask if their child can come play for an hour or two. He will be entertained and get his energy spent without bothering his brother. Maybe later he will be willing to do something more quiet with his brother, or even play by himself.
He appears to be a social person, so meeting that need for a couple of hours may satisfy him.
Also, if the other child's mom comes along,(on the playdate) you will have a little social time, too, and that's always nice.
:o)

:-) Your boys sound like my boys. Really! They're 7 &4, my oldest is very cerebral and my youngest, while bright, really likes superheroes, sports and physical activity. I do try not to make my oldest give in to his brother, but I will tell my youngest that no one wants to play with someone who has fits. I tell him that it's okay for his brother to not want to play and we have to find something else to do. Or maybe he could act nicer about it. I've also not emphasized the 'big brother' role with my oldest in the past, but I have been lately. He's old enough. There are decisions he makes regarding his little brother that seem to instigate too and it's hard on a 4 year old to process feelings of such abrupt rejection. So I work on both of them. There are certain instances also that I let them work it out because it seems like there are days when I'm too involved because they try to involve me. And that's a skill too - them working out their own problems. It's really just a constant work in progress. Luckily they provide lots of opportunity! Hang in there!

Hi, A.. Have you tried setting aside some brother play time? Each of them decide what they want to do and for 15-20 minutes they do what the other wants. Then, the younger one will look forward to that time each day, and the older one might find out he enjoys playing with his younger brother. Eventually, they may not need a time set aside and will play together more often. Good Luck!

You need to remember that your boys are in two totally different stages of development. It is not just that they have different personalities and interests, but their differences come from the difference in there age as well. You can't always have another friend over to the house but some time away from eachother to play with friends their own ages will help. Also, I'm sure that the younger one can't wait for the older one to get home from school and that causes problems too. Have you thought about putting the younger one in pre-school? This might also help him with some of the bordom. I also agree with the other mom that said not to force the older one to play with his brother. While they should have play time together, it needs to come from them and if the younger one is always getting his way, I can understand why the older one doesn't want to play with him. They need to learn to work out their differences together without mom interfering all the time. If the younger one starts getting violent, let him know that is NOT ok and that is NOT how he gets what he wants.