Quality Time - Sandy,UT

I am a firm believer in quality not quantity, you are upset about quantity, I have 7 kids in age from 16-16 months, and used to deal w/ the same thing, what I have learned is it isn't how much time you are spending with them but how much you give of yourself to them when you do spend time with them, even if all you have is 10 minutes every hour, during those 10 minutes are you giving them all of your attention and focus? If so don't worry you are ok, children need to learn that life and the world doesn't rely around them that they have to entertain themselves and that they have to learn to take care of themselves.

There constant fighting is VERY normal my 6 year old and 3 1/2 year old are at it non stop, and when it is really bad I send them to opposite side of the house to play alone, for 1 hour they can not talk to each other, look at each other, nothing. Know one other thing I do when they get a little older and have used this on all of mine at one point or another is I handcuff thier hands to each other it starts w/ one hour but if they can't figure out how to get along during that hour I extend it out even longer. I did this with my oldest and middle daughter once when we were out at our other sons soccer game,they just wouldn't stop bickering and fighting, they were so embaressed by people reaction, most though ti was great, I never ran into that problem again in public, my best friends family still brings it up and loves the idea and has even used it a time or two, I would wait until they are at least 5, The only reason I haven't done it yet with my two is that she is a lot younger then him and at an unfair advantage. I hope I helped a little good luck, you are so not alone, I feel your frustration!

This seems to be a pretty common theme among parents of multiples. I work with twin boys in my daycare who are the same age and their mother and I have had numerous conversations about this exact thing. See if your situation is the same and if so then maybe this solution will help you. The boys don't like to do things apart but fight alot for mom's attention when they are together....we came up with a thought that maybe neither of them has something to call their very own. What I did for the twin boys in my daycare was let them each make a "just for me" box. We took an old cardboard box and I wrapped them in plain white paper and allowed the boys to decorate the outside with stickers, pictures, etc whatever they liked and then I put their name on the lid. The rules of the box were that each boy could go home and put X number (I let Mom determine the number) of toys/clothes etc whatever they fight over into their own boxes for one week. During that week, if the other twin wanted any of the toys/clothes in the other twin's box he had to ask permission. It gave the boys a sense of ownership but it also taught them a great lesson about sharing. They had a great time decorating them also which was fun. This is a good activity that you can do with them together but yet still give each one of them quality attention while helping them find their unique way to decorate. Hope this helps.

S. - WI

I just joined this site and am still a little ubelieving, b/c I have the exact situation. I have 4 1/2 year old twins as well. My kids do exactly the same thing, but if I tell one to stop doing something, the other one does it IMMEDIATELY. I do not have any family here or any daycare, I am a stay-at-home mom. Have you tried putting them down for a nap at seperate times? My kids still take an hour or more nap everyday after lunch. The other thing I do is constant supervision. I put them on the barstools and give them playdough and different things they can use to cut out shapes. They each get some, I set a timer and they have to trade. This is how I get my kitchen cleaned up. I also have lots of puzzles. They get to do a puzzle when I need 10-15 minutes to complete a task, like throwing the laundry in or fixing a quick lunch. Mine get very little one-on-one time, but we occasionally try to do this even for 10-15 minutes when my husband is home. I'll take one to the barn to feed horses or to the mailbox. They really need this time to feel like individuals. Quality time is time spent lettng your kids know you care and they are important. Play or read to them at least once a day, even if it is for a short time. But I still believe that quantity time leads to important questions and values taught. What works well with my twins is asking them, how would you like it if (So-and-so) did that to you? Let me know if this helps. Take a deep breath and give them a hug. I tell mine that I need a bologna sandwich hug and mom gets to be the bologna! Don't feel guilty, every mom needs time to herself. I used to take my kids to daycare a few hours a week so I could go ride, but my son's behavior at the preschool forced me to keep them at home.

While you don't want to be a referree, you sometimes do have to teach them some good ways to work it out. my kids are 3 & 5 and they get into it at times. I've found sometimes that they don't stop long enough to think about what they need to do. All they know is that #1 took something from #2. so I stop them and explain what to do. Like "If i play with Diesel, can you play with ???? (pick another train)"...or "can we trade this train for that train.".....or if #1 has been playing with it a long time, it would be nice to let #2 play with it for a while. It sometimes takes a few times of repetition to have them start attempting it, but I found it does work for my kids.

That being said, they may also be competitive with each other and it won't matter, so your only option may be to separate them. It could be a plea for your attention, not to make you feel guilty, but maybe incorporate them into your chores, it will keep them busy while getting to do something with you.

but even if your doing something like folding laundry, who said that they can't help you. And quality time does necessarily mean "play time"....if your doing something that engages with them..like teaching them to fold towels and washcloths that's great. my 5 yr old could fold an awesome towel at age 3. Now, I will have a folding party in living room where they fold the towels and I am working on other clothes. Right now, were working on matching socks. (Which works on their matching skills...nobody said that learning couldn't include everyday objects).

I think you are right in the fact that they need time with Mom or Dad...quality time is key. When my kids seem to be acting up I usually have been in the house too long! Take a ride in the car, go to the store, give them something to do. They may be fighting because they are just simply bored and poking Bother is fun! Give them your attention in every thing. They are almost 5 and can help in everything. Setting the table, measuring water when you are cooking, they can even put clothes on hangers and hang them up. It is fun to see who can shoot the most socks into the washer and then reward the winner. If they are helping you, they are not fighting as much and you get your quality time. However, you have to make sure you get your time as well, if that means getting up earlier it is well worth it. We also tried a jelly bean jar. When they are good they get to put jelly beans in their jar and when they are naughty they come out! When it is full they get to pick the activity we do, whether it is swimming or going out for ice cream. For twins, I would have two jars. Make it a contest to see who can fill it up 1st. Make a big deal out of it and it works like a charm. Good Luck!

I don't have twins, but my two oldest are only about 20 months apart, so they are still pretty close. .. and they fight all the time. I send the older one (girl) to school four days a week, and the younger (boy) stays home with me and his little sister (who is one). There are a lot of jealousy issues with them, so we talk a lot about how they are each special to us, and that we can love each of them the same amount. I know a lot of their acting out is because they are wanting attention.
Sending my oldest one is really good for her, because she gets a change of scenary, and she loves school. And it's good for me because I get a break - which is HUGE. If it's something that is good for YOU, then it will be good for THEM. Because if we get too burnt out, then we're not much good to them. So, I would definitely keep that in mind. We also talk a lot about how we are all friends, because they know not to treat their friends likd they do their siblings.
I have also noticed that if I get them separated doing different things, in different parts of the house, they do a lot better. (for example, the older one likes to play the computer, and the younger one likes to color or watch movies).. and they will stay with activities a lot longer that way. When all else fails, I take them to the mall and let them run around on the "ice cream toys" to get their energy out. They still fight like crazy, and probably will for the next 10+ years, but they are also really good friends and sometimes really enjoy playing together. Good luck!

I think you're doing fine. Probably the best way to stay sane and actually enjoy time with them is letting yourself have that time while they're in school to do whatever helps you. it could be cleaning and feeling a bit organized for a moment, or maybe it's taking a nap or reading. You know you won't have time to do any of that once they're home, and you'll be too tired later. Enjoy it. You'll be a better mom if you have that alone time, and then the time you do have will feel better to all of you. Sometimes quality time is just being the mom while they play. Just being there gives them security. As far as them fighting...no great solutions, but wonder if they might have separate tasks to accomplish with you, like getting the laundry out of the dryer or putting the toys in the toy box? May God give you strength!

I liked the sending them to opposite sides of the house,and also handcuffing when they are older!

Maybe they are sick of being together,do they share a room,if they do, do you have a spare that you could switch one of them to? This way they have thier own space in the house.

Also, why don't you pick one day a week where your husband takes one, and you take the other for "special time". Look into Love and Locic ( http://www.loveandlogic.com )thier advise is wonderful!

My twins are a bit older now, but not long ago I was in your shoes! They didn't fight with each other, but they found other ways to always be in trouble and in time out, they worked together as a team to get in to trouble. I felt the same way, our days were spent dealing with time outs and that I never had quality time and I worried they would grow up to remember that time as negative because of the trouble they were always in, and how frustrated I always was. I ended up bying a book that my peditrican recommended on the Boys Town Parenting Classes,called Commen Sense Parenting, It worked really well for me! I also started getting out of the house more at night, and that seemed to help also, I think the girls missed me so much they really honestly stopped and thought about it before they got in trouble once in a while. After a while, they really enjoyed the "good days" and the fun things we were able to do. Kids are kids and they will always have their days,(just like us:) but that book really helped my husband and I! I hoped this helped you!

Stop playing referee. Tell them they have to work it out between themselves in respectful manners (No hitting, name calling, tattling, yelling/crying) This worked really well for my friends twin boys. Let them figure out how to work and play well with each other. That will make your life a lot less stressful

I don't know about in Utah, but here in Idaho they have an awesome parenting class called "Love and Logic" it's offered free through the School District. You might try calling up your school district office and see if they have anything like this. I know I was totally thrilled because not only did I get some great ideas, but I also got a break from my children because they provided free child care and after the class it was easier to have quality time with my kids.
Even if the district office doesn't offer the class they might have some resources that you can check out from their library even if your children aren't in school.
Best of luck to you and your twins. =)

Jet

Our 2 and 3 1/2 year old fight a lot. Sometimes we tell them they don't "get" to play with their brother and send them to their own rooms, hoping they'll realize that it's a priviledge to have a brother to play with.
I think young kids need to be taught how to play with each other. So when our kids are fighting over, say, Legos, my husband and I will sit down with them and "play nicely" with each other. "Can I have that blue Lego?" "Sure, here you go. I'll share with you". "Thank you, I like playing with you." "Don't knock down my house please." "Ok, I'll help you build it." As "syrupy" as it sounds, it usually does work, at least short term.