Putting down Nana and Grandpa's Dog

This exact thing just happened to my 5 yr old (& my inlaws). The kids got one goodbye, and then tey put her to sleep. Tell her, so she can understand (a little anyway) that the puppy is going to heaven. She might be sad, but if she gets to say goodbye it may be easier. My kids still talk about the dog, but she was also really sick, so they understood.

Good luck, I know this is a hard thing to go through :)

I am probably too late to help you, but I feel very strongly that you should not use the phrases "put to sleep" or "put down" - kids can be afraid to go to sleep, or to be put down after they are being held! "Euthanize" is a big word for little kids, but you can say that the dog was very sick with no hope of getting better (that is KEY - no hope) and that the vet helped the dog to die so that it wouldn't be in pain. Or you can say that the dog died. Dogs are family members and it is very sad, it's okay to cry, and so on. Getting another dog doesn't make the pain go away. Stress that the dog loved the family members and the kids, and maybe say that the dog wasn't alone when it died. I SO sympathize with all of you - it's so painful!

My advice would be to gently explain to them that the dog is very sick and that it is time for the dog to rest. I always explained to mine that it was going to heaven to a place where it wouldn't hurt anymore. I think it's an important part of training them in life experiences. Death doesn't have to be scary. By telling them today or tonight, you will give them the opportunity to love on her and to say goodbyes to her. Closure is something we all need when things like this happen. Tears are okay. They are healthy when shared with loved ones for a common reason. This will also give them the opportunity to talk about the dog's life and all that they have shared with her. It will be sad, but hopefully will help instill in them the value of life and being able to share in the everyday goodness we have with each other and the animals that we share life with.

K.: Your 5 your old is old enough to understand about death. This is actually a perfect opportunity to explain the life cycle to your child. Use whatever terms - except don't say "THE DOG WENT TO SLEEP" - that will scare her.

We had to put our guinea pig to sleep when my son was 6 - I told him that she was very very sick, the doctors are doing their best to make her better, but sometimes people and animals get so sick, that nothing the doctor does will help them get better. We have decided that instead of having Lola (our pig) suffer, we have decided to help her get to piggy heaven (or some other happy place). The doctor will give her medicine and it will help her pass away from us and go to heaven.

When I explained it this way, my son instantly said - "So Poppy will be able to take care of her?" Poppy is my dad who passed away about 3 years before - we talk about him all the time, and my son knows he is in heaven too. So I told him yes, that Poppy will take care of her. That made him feel better.

We cried ALOT that day, and for a few days after we put her down. I told my son that I was sad that Lola had to leave us, but she was in a better place and wasn't suffering anymore. He seemed okay with it and actually cried over it - which I was sort of pleased about - I'd rather he cry than keep those feelings bottled up inside (like some men we probably all know!)

You might be surprised how well your daughter handles it. You also don't want her to see everyone crying and not knowing why.

Good luck, and I'm so sorry that your parents have to put their beloved pet down.

C.

i would not say anything to the children before the fact. next time you go over, when the dog is gone, then you can explain.

So sorry about your in-law's dog and the loss it will bring in the family. Your 5 year old will notice the loss and will have lots of questions, so it may be a good idea to go into it letting your daughter take the lead. Sometimes we as adults get too involved in how and what to say, how much to say etc. and we should really take it slow and answer what the child asks. Start out realistically and explain the sickness briefly to her, that its not the kind that lets the dog get well again. The dog isn't "Sleeping" and using the term "put to sleep" is difficult to get at that age...be real and say the dog died. Children will fear "sleep" if they think its related to death. Kids at that age also usually want to know how it will impact them, or how it relates to them...so I would keep reassuring your child that they didn't do anything to make the dog sick, they won't get sick because of the dog, and that when they go to Nana and Grandpa's they'll be able to talk about all the fun memories and what they will miss the most, with them as well. To help ease the sadness your daughter may go through, she can dictate a letter to the dog about how much she loves him/her, draw pictures etc. Sometimes having a little memorial will ease the pain and loss for everyone. Its okay for children to see adults grieve too as its all a learning process and part of life. Your wonderful family friend is not going to suffer, and that can be emphasized with your daughter as well. There's wonderful books about losing a pet that have worked really well for me for children in my class. You can get most in your public library and I would highly recommend having them on hand to allow your child to experience how other children have dealt with this kind of loss, and they they aren't alone in their sadness and loss. "I'll Always Love You," by Hans Wilhem "Dog Heaven" by Cynthia Rylant, "For Every Dog There is an Angel" by Christine Davis, "10th Good Thing About Barney" by Judith Viorst. Hope that helps.

I'm so sorry to hear about the dog! That kind of situation is never easy.

Let your daughter enjoy the dog tonight. You could mention that she's sick but I wouldn't play that up too much. Take some pictures and enjoy the time spent together. Your daughter will remember that.

Next time you're together and the dog's not there - remind your little girl about the dog being sick and let her know that it didn't make it through. It may be her first experience with death and dying and it's a tough issue to explain. There are some great kids' books from the library that approach the subject (even pets) with care.

Don't mention the 'putting to sleep' part of it at all. When my folks put my dog down (I was 25) I can honestly say I wish they'd 'fibbed' and told me she'd passed in the night - that they had a hand in it crushed me, even at that age and even though she was really sick. We always think that there's more we could do. We did the same when our dog passed from kidney failure last year and told our girls that the vet did all he could but that she didn't make it. We talk about her from time to time and how she's keeping grampa company in heaven. Very tough subject - it's awesome that you're figuring out a gentle way to manage it. Good luck to you!

Be honest. Tell her the dog was sick and died. Tell her that she doesn't hurt anymore but that grandma and grandpa are very sad because they loved the dog. Tell her that grandma and grandpa got to say goodbye to the dog and that she can't come back but you can talk about her and remember what a good dog she was.
Children deal with death and loss better than most adults realize. I brought my son with me when I took a friend to have her cat put down and explained the above to him. he was understanding and matter of fact. Occasionally he says, JJ (the cat) no come back, I say yes that is correct and he nods.
Don't avoid death. the sooner they learn the easier it will be later.
Good Luck

Hi K., I know how hard this is for your family. We had an unfortunate experience with our family dog, although our situation was a lot different. My husband and I had a Cocker Spaniel named Mickey. LOOOOOved the dog. We had him well before our first daughter was born. He was older, about 12 years. Very unfortuately, because he was an older dog, he was possesive about food. Well, one day he snapped at our daughter over a bowl of popcorn. He got her right in the face, thank God, it was not serious! Needless to say, we just could not take a chance with him again, since we had another little one under a year old. It was not worth the safety of our children. Sadly, to the point of when you get when you feel you can't breath, we had to make a decision to turn the dog over to a shelter. Unfortunately, because of his age and what had happened, they told us he was not adoptable and we had to make that heartbreaking decision to put him down. Well, that was my daughters best friend, she loved him more than anything. He was her constant companion. That dog was like our baby. Well, getting to what to say to a child I guess being honest with a little white lie is the best way. We told her that Mickey was old and that because he was "sick", he wanted to go to see his family, his mommy, daddy and his brothers and sisters and it was important for him to see them and stay with them. We told her that he missed them. We have a picture of Mickey on a shelf in her bedroom. She sees it everyday. She still gets upset and cries over him. He has been gone almost 3 years. She asked if she could go visit him. I finally told her that his body was so sick and was not working for him so God decided to take him to heavan to live with him. I told her that Mickey is with her everyday even though she can't see him. He runs next to her when she is out playing, he sleeps on the floor next to her bed at night. He does all the things he did with her before, only she can't see him, but he is there. I hate to ramble on, but she is doing better now. We adopted a dog that was a Hurricane Katrina rescue about 2 years ago. She has not taken the place of Mickey, just helps us to heal. Good luck, I know it is hard. A.

Hopefully I'm not too late in responding. Tell them before it happens. If you have time, explain to them about life and death. Too bad there isn't a book to find in time that explains it. Let them say their goodbyes.

My mother had our dog put down without telling us. Two of my siblings and I were looking all over for our dog. We asked our mother where he was. She said she took him to the vet to be put down because he was in a lot of pain. :(
I was a little older than your eldest child. That hurt me for YEARS.

Hi K.,
I have 2 boys and my husband and I had dogs (normally5-6) in our home way before we had children. We have had to put down our sick dogs as well and our children were understanding of what was happening. We explained to them that they have been our wonderful companions and friends and were there to cuddle up when we were sick and became part of our family, now it is our turn to help them when they cannot help themselves, to let them die with dignity and without anymore suffering. I was amazed how understanding these little boys were. Yes there was a lot of hugging and crying and feeding the dogs stuff they would have never been able to eat before (like ice cream) in their final days being spoiled. It was ok, I think I had a harder time than they did, they are young, movies like the Lion King and the Dinosaur movies with Little Foot explained the circle of life to them and they coped incredibly well.
This is never easy, but it is part of having a dog at least they have the chance to say good bye, sometimes a dog dies suddenly whether by a vehicle or a heart attack and you don't have that opportunity to be with them. I have always been with my dogs holding them until they are actually gone at the vet's crying and saying how much I love them and that they are a good girl. (you've got me crying now!) I have them cremated and then we decide what to do with the ashes later when it is easier to handle.
I hope this helps you and your family. I'm sorry for your loss. L.

K.,
Jenn P. said everything I would. Follow your child's lead, and be honest with the answers you give. I recommend take LOTS of pictures! Then you and the children would be able to put together a remembrance album if they would like to. Their will be questions, and she may ask them again and again. Death is a hard concept to grasp. You can also let her know that due to this happening she will be able to help her friends should it happen to them - a positive coming from a negative.
Also, I didn't see if your parents were going to do after. If they choose to burial/cremetion, there may be other questions.
My thoughts are with you and family during such a difficult time.
PS You can ask the Vet (or tech) to shave some fur near the heart if you think keeping some for anyone in the family would be nice. We used to do it at our office all the time.

So sorry for your families loss. I too had to a beloved pet put to sleep when my child was 5. I told him that the pet was not doing well and I was taking her to the animal doctor. When he came home from school and the she was not there I explained that there was nothing that the vet could do for our her and she went to live in heaven. That she was with another recently passed away relative. You know you child and what terminology may work best. Good luck

You know, it's really nice to know that we are not alone. We just went through this exact situation a few weeks ago. My kids are 4 and 18 mos and my parents' dog of nearly 13 years was in amazing health for her whole life until her last 4-6 weeks of life. She suddenly developed lyme disease and had a tumor and a collasped lung, lost several pounds...it was just awful! Since she was suffering my parents decided that when the MD treatments didn't work it was time to put her down. We started to talk about how sick she was to the kids (and you could see how much trouble she was having with her breathing, so this helped that they didn't need to just imagine it all). We said that she "probably wasn't going to live much longer", and yes "she was going to die". We did not tell them when b/c that seemed creepy that we would know in advance. The kids spent the afternoon with my parents the day before she was put down, so when I picked them up, beside the fact that I was a complete mess and could not stop crying, we told the kids to give the dog a hug and tell her they loved her and we took a few pictures together. My husband and I told the kids that Dreidel was a good dog and that we all loved her very much and that we knew that she loved us too and that when she died we had lots of memories of fun time playing together. She was put to sleep the next day and then that evening after I knew from my mom that it had really happened, I told my 4 year old that Dreidel had died today and that we were all very sad. but that my parents had been with her and she wasn't alone. I told him it was ok to be sad and ok to cry. He said he was sad but that he was ok, and then he ran off to play, which made me sad!! The next 2 times we went over to my parents' house, he asked for her and I had to remind him that she had died and wasn't coming back.
he took it in and moved on. Wow - this was long - sorry! So bascially, I strongly recommend NOT saying anything about "sleep" b/c you don't want the kids to be afraid to go to sleep at night. We told the kids that the dog was very old and that when people and dogs, and other animals get old sometimes they get sick and eventually everyone dies. I mean, I didn't want to lie, but didn't want to scare them either. We said that the doctors tried their best to help her but that in the end she was just too sick. He has asked if he's going to die, and we said yes, but not until he's a very very very old man. So, that's pretty much it. We also didn't want to tell them that my parents had actively played a role in her death b/c we didn't want them to be resentful. ok - so good luck with the kids and I'm really sorry to hear that you have go through this - it was tough, but if you tell the truth - well, semi truth you'll feel better.

This is a tough subject at a tough age - I sympathize! We had to put both our old cats down within a few months of each other when my son was about 4. He has always had a morbid curiosity and asked a lot of questions from about the age of 3 on about every dead bug he found on the side walk. So we had to jump into philosophical converstations about death and dying much earlier than we had planned! We are not religious and he seemed to have a hard time understanding the fuzzy explanations we were giving him about what death is and where things go when they die.
So we ended up lying to him when we put the cats down! We told him the cats went to the "old sick kitty farm in Maine." He still asked a lot of questions, but we assured him the cats were well taken care of by the experts who ran the farm and could give them the comfort and special care they needed. It was a good solution at the time - he was upset about not having the cats around, but not traumatized by the finality of their existence.
My son is now 6 and pretty much figured out on his own that the cats have died. He has become fascinated by dinosaurs and evolution and so has learned much about nature's life cycle and seems ok with it now.
I hate to otherwise ever "lie" to my kids or even soft-pedal life for them - but as you know, sometimes your gut just tells you, as a parent, whether your own kid is ready to handle something or not.
Good luck!

I am so sorry for what you are going through. It's so hard to lose a pet. I wouldn't tell the kids that the dog is being put to sleep, because they're a little young to understand that animals get put down but not people. It's a very scary thought that they could get sick and maybe you would do the same thing to them. I would tell at least the five year old that you just found out that the dog is very old and very sick and you're not sure how much longer he's going to live. That way she can know that this time with the dog is very special, but without knowing exactly how finite it is. That way also you can explain that the dog passed away and you don't just spring it on her the next time she visits her grandparents. I would actually do the same thing with the three year old, although he won't understand as much, obviously. But it is a good opportunity, if the kids bring it up, to talk about what dying means and being sad and all that hard stuff. The five year old will probably be sad, but having her know might actually be easier on your in-laws too, because if they're a little distracted, they can explain that they're sad because the dog they love is very sick. I think it's really good for kids to see adults have a whole range of emotions (as long as they're not hysterical, of course). Good luck.

Hi K.,
I feel for you and your in-laws. It's such a sad thing to have to put a loved family pet down. I personally would tell your kids before the next time they go over. I wouldn't do it before their sleep over, but definitely before they go again. Wishing you and your family the best.

hi K. 2 good books are Dog Heaven and the 5th or 10 th good thing about Barney. I forget what number sorry Cat Heaven is good if you can't find Dog heaven. L.

I would explain to them that the dog is very very very old and is very sick. I would not go into the putting to sleep part. But I would let the child know so that they can say goodbye.
I have children ages 2,4, and 6 and our dog got off leash and was hit by a car. I had the kids with me and my husband was at work. Lucking our small dog aftre being hit looked like she was sleeping. I let the children pet her and say thier goodbyes and they know where she is buried on our property. My sons were more concrned about where she was buried and if she went to "heaven" so to speak than anything else. Our dog was not old or sick and it was an unexpected loss butI did let them say thier goodbyes which seemed to help thier process of grieving. I hope that helps.

Hi K.,

This happened to two of our dogs. At different ages in my grandsons life, so we basically told him the the dog got too sick for the vet to treat and he went to heaven to see his great grand parents. That now they were going to be able to spend more time with them. That worked for us and when the second dog passed, my grandson was about 2 years older and almost, word for word, repeated back to us what he had been told.

I think losing our dogs was harder on my husband and I as I was closest to the smaller rottie and my husband was closer to the larger one. As a matter of fact, my husband wouldn't go to the vet when the last one passed and he knew the minute they put the dog down. I called for confirmation and he was so closed to that dog, he just had that 6th sense about it and he was right on target with the time.

Hi K.,

So sorry to hear about your loss. We just had to put the family cat down due to a long sickness. My 2 year old was in love with the cat. It was really hard for all of us. We just explained to her that Ollie was very sick and had to go to heaven. And that he is watching over her. so if you ask her where he is she says he lives in heaven now and is taking care of her. Hope this helps.

Hi K.,

Try the book When a Pet Dies by Fred Rogers. It is sure to be comforting to all of you.