Proper Etiquette When Dating a Man with Children

After five years this is "all new" to him?
Honey, you are the other woman, and even if you're not, you're a fool to have a "boyfriend" for five years.

If it were ME, I'd stay home while he was out of town and take that time to move out of his mother and father's house. No way would I be ok with this. You're either in his life or not. I'd choose not to be under the circumstances. You deserve better.

Time to move on.

He lives with his mother, though his children are grown....
You aren't included in family things though you've been seeing each other for FIVE YEARS.

"Baby steps" is year 1-2. And his kids are NOT BABIES.

Step back and look at what's going on. And move on and out.

This arrangement makes you seem like "the other woman" - are you 100% sure he's even divorced? I would imagine that because you live with his parents he is, but this is very strange.

I would point out to him that he's treating you like he's in an illicit affair. If he's divorced, he has every right to move on and be in a relationship with you. His children aren't babies and it's OK for them to know that dad has a significant other and for them to get to know you. If it makes he ex-wife uncomfortable, too bad.

I really can't fathom why you've let this go on for 5 years.

I saw a good quote by Mark Twain today on Facebook:
"Never allow someone else to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

If his baby steps get any smaller, he's going to be walking backwards.

You're either together or you're not. If they are divorced, his ex gets no say in his social/love life.
I would think a high school football game would be a good place for everyone to meet. There's not a lot of time for in-depth chit-chat, and you can all root for the same team. After the game,if you all go out to eat, you have a built-in conversation starter - how great your kid played, the blind referee, etc.

I would be concerned about a man who has two almost grown kids, lives with his parents, and takes orders from his ex.

I don't know how to say this nicely, you are being used. He doesn't want to be with you in the long term, he will deal with you as long as you are compliant.

Get away, live on your own

ETA: I just read what you wrote to Christy Lee. Your boyfriend still pays all of his ex's bills, mortgage, and insurance after five years??

Sweetie, be realistic. Do you really see yourself fitting into this arrangement?

Original:
I'm shocked that you'd tolerate this treatment from him.

When I read your title, I thought it was going to be about a newly divorced dad with very young children.

Baby steps??? That would be for your first year or so together. You've been together FIVE years, didn't meet his daughter for the first three of those years, and have never met the ex. That's a problem.

I married a man who had three children when we met. They ranged from early elementary through middle school. I met his ex-wife within the first few months.

The fact that this man does not include you in significant life events like his children's graduations and family trips and the fact that he cares more about what other people think and his ex-wife's comfort level than yours tells you everything you need to know. He is not truly committed to you. That or he is completely immature and unable to separate emotionally from his ex and live his own life.

You need to have a serious talk with him, and if he doesn't start acting like a man in a committed relationship and give you the respect you deserve and treat you as a priority, you need to ask yourself why on earth you'd stay.

Wishing you the best and hoping you stand up for yourself. It's beyond time.

J. F.

Yep, I'd take baby steps right out mom and pops front door. Something is amiss.

ETA: From your SWH, it sure sounds like you a desperate woman wanting a man to love her and will put up with anything. Be thankful that you don't have any children with this guy. Please leave and find one that will be into you. There are so many red flags in this relationship that I don't know where to begin with what you should do.

You now know the pecking order of where you fit into this relationship: 1) kids, 2) wife (or ex), 3) parents, and/or pets then you. Nothing left for you sweetheart.

Original: It sounds like they are separated but not officially divorced. Why on god's green earth would an ex pay for their insurance and such without there being a legal connection?

Sounds like the train has been pulled out the station a long time and you are just wondering if you are on it or not. You need to look for a man that is into you for all the right reasons and not just a booty call. Sorry to be so blunt but five years of your life have been wasted on someone who doesn't care what you think or feel.

Good luck in finding the real you and your respect of self to move on to someone who wants to be with you for all the right reasons. I would start with moving out of the parents' house and back into my own apartment.

the other S.

PS Life is too short for all this extra negative drama.

this is just weird.
i think the waiting to meet his kids was fine. i think the not-meeting his ex is fine up to the point that you started interacting with the kids. but i think you being butthurt about him and the mother of his kids going out to celebrate their daughter's graduation is weird.
even weirder is his wanting you to stay in the hotel room during his son's game. it IS true that it's not the right place for you and the ex to meet. so why not just meet beforehand? it's past time by now. it should have happened before you moved in together, as i presume you're having regular contact with his kids, and SHE should have demanded a fuller picture of the woman who is there in their father's life.
if he wanted baby steps, he might have considered introducing everyone before y'all moved in together.
with his parents.
everything about this feels very uncomfortable.
:/ khairete
S.

I can possibly understand his being uncomfortable if it were, say, an event where it was just him, his ex, his children, and you, like at a private family dinner or funeral. That might be awkward.

However, if he is too uncomfortable, at a public football game, for "other parents" to know that he is in a relationship with you, and that you're at the game as his guest and as his girlfriend, and he asks you to stay hidden in a hotel room, well, that speaks volumes.

His ex is the mother of his children. Of course, she'll be present at significant celebrations and family events. The children's father - your boyfriend - will be, too. And each parent, after a legal divorce and a discrete amount of time, and after the children have adjusted to the divorce and new arrangements (whether that involves just the passing of time, family talks, or counseling, and depending upon the children's ages and emotional states), has the right to bring their significant other to social events.

If you are willing to be hidden away as if you two are having an affair, and if you're willing to stay with a guy who hasn't established a home with you (unless you two moved in with his elderly parents in order to help care for them, if they're ill or disabled) and if you're willing to be treated so shamefully by such a coward, well, that's your decision.

BIG RED FLAGS are what I see. You have been dating 5 years yet this is all "new" to him? Seriously? AND you have been ok with this?

Honestly, you sound like the "other woman". It took 3 years to meet his daughter? And you were not invited to the graduation but you and Dad have been dating for 5 years and now live together? Did the daughter even know about you? I know the son met you but did the son know y'all were even dating? I would be curious as to how that meeting happened.

I have to ask, what do YOU get out of this relationship? Because it doesn't sound like you get respect, affection or courtesy. He is more worried about an "ex" wife's feelings than yours. I would not be okay with that. I get co-parenting but this goes beyond co-parenting. This is weird. He would "leave" if his kids stopped talking to him? Really?

Personally, I would tell him to go ahead an go with the ex to the game and when he gets back I would be moved out. He is not in a committed relationship with you. That is the bottom line.

I can't believe you've been gullible enough to allow him to string you along this many years, treat you like the "other woman" and you put up with it.

5 years??? I suppose he really is divorced if you are loving with his parents which is another HUGE RED FLAG but I personally would not allow anyone to treat me like that.

Do you have children? If you do, you need to really rethink this because look at the example you are setting. You are setting the example to his children that it is ok to treat you like a doormat.

Sounds like he wants his ex back. I wouldn't have moved in or stayed with a guy this long if he kept me hidden away like "the other woman". She cheated(supposedly) and he's been divorced for years. Time for him to move on or you should bolt.

Oh, and the BABY STEPS thing after 5 years!? Are you kidding me!?

My guess is he is over 40. He lives with his parents...why????? You have been dating 5 years and have not met his children????? He doesn't want you to go to his son's game or meet his ex-wife??????

Honey, this is a man who refuses to take responsibility for his life. Find YOUR OWN place to live and leave this loser behind.

Sorry to be blunt but it's time you took off the rose colored glasses and saw through his lies.

I guess it comes down to what type of relationship you want to have.

What are YOUR goals for a significant, committed relationship?

Do you want to have kids, buy a house together, travel, get married or are you independent enough to just need companionship on the weekend or at limited times?

I don't think this is about etiquette as much as it is getting your needs met.

Look at what you want in a relationship, what goals you would like from that significant relationship, and then honestly ask yourself (a close friend or therapist) if he is going to be able to meet them.

How has he met them in the last 5 years?

YOU deserve to have someone see YOUR relationship wants/needs/goals as significant and you deserve a person who will partner WITH YOU to try to get them.

He has shown you who he really is.

He has shown you what type of relationship you are going to have with him, his children and his ex-wife. How does this align with your relationship goals?

**And don't go sit in the hotel!!! Goodness sakes. Let him know if he can't sit with you at a game or introduce you to his ex after five years, you're not going at all and you're packing.***

BABY STEPS?!! You've been with him five years and you live with him? And he can't take you to a sports event where his cheating ex will be?

This is all your boyfriend's issue. He's either man enough to be comfortable with you or he isn't. So far....he isn't. He has EVERY right to do stuff with you in front of the ex, and he chooses not to for whatever reason.

My ex is doing this exact same thing which is how I know you're in a bad situation. The only difference is that my ex cheated, and his "girlfriend" (in quotes because he has many girlfriends but she's the main one) is one of the women he cheated on me with. So I guess I can see where he's ashamed to bring her around..but bottom line: He and I are divorced and if HE would step up and say, "This is my girlfriend, she's coming to this event!" then I'd have to deal with it, take the high road, be friendly, etc. But he doesn't. So I don't have to. He keeps her away from us. We still do stuff as a family. He never admits she exists (I check her instagram for all their latest couples shots). I don't ask him to do any of this hiding, he's just THAT SPINELESS with her and he's never going to man up. I don't know why she puts up with it.

So. I don't know what your boyfriend's excuse is. What would other people think if he showed up at an event with a girlfriend of five years and his ex wife was also there? Nothing, that's what people do. What would his ex-wife have to say about it? Nothing. She cheated and they're divorced.

Now he's just teaching his kids that relationships after ended marriages are something to be ashamed of. Personally, moving in with someone's parents and then sitting in hotel rooms while he goes to sports events with his ex would have me GETTING the heck out. He does not sound mature.

Don't feel bad to command some respect here.

Weird situation. You lost me when you said you moved in with his parents!

Alright, my answer here: nonononono...if I get this right you moved in with him and his parents, but now you aren't supposed to be at a game? sitting with him? I guess the question is you have been with him five years, but did he just get divorced or something six months ago? He needs to let go of his ex and you can remind him of that. What the heck -proper place or not, he is divorced and he should move on. So should she. And don't you dare stay in a hotel by yourself for a couple of hours. Ridiculous

I'm having trouble with what appears to be his relationship with his ex. why is he travelling with her? WHY is he choosing to travel with her over you?

That's not normal procedure for divorced parents, I don't care what the event is.

He's putting her above you. You guys have been together 5 years and you're just getting the crumbs of his attention. That's not right. You've been together 5 years and you've barely spent time with his kids? You haven't been given a place in their lives? For fear of ruffling mom's feathers? Hate to break it to her (and him), 5 years is supposed to be a serious relationship. You should be at your boyfriend's side at these things. Like someone else said, this smells fishy.

ETA- what Christy lee said. all of that.

This is all weird to me. I get him helping his family, but you moved in also? I don't know - I don't think I could do that. And you still haven't met the mother of his children? That's odd to me. I would think she would want to know who is around her children....and you would want to meet them and get to know them.

I know these relationships aren't easy, but a lot seems off here.

Either you trust him that it's over with his ex or you don't. If you trust him, then you need to trust him to go on trips without you. If you don't trust him, then no amount of you tagging along is going to fix this. That said, I can understand why you don't trust him because this situation has all kinds of red flags.

As for meeting his ex, you live with him. You met his kids. Surely she knows that he's in a relationship with you, the kids would have talked about it. This shouldn't be a big thing, he should just introduce you already. He can go to her and say "Hey, I'm going to bring L., my girlfriend, to the game next week. Can we stop by for a minute tonight so you can meet her before we go?"

If you do go, I see no reason for you to sit in the hotel during the game. He sits with you. If she doesn't want to sit alone, she should bring a friend.

You've been with him for 5 years, met the son right away but took three years to meet the daughter? That sounds odd. After 5 years and now living together, I would think you would have met the ex wife by now if only in passing for the kids' events...especially graduation.

I would tell him that living together means you are a couple. Couples attend events together. He and the ex can attend the same events especially for the children and don't have to sit together (although they could if all is ok with that). I would agree that maybe you shouldn't meet with an audience so why not meet before the weekend of the out of town game or the night before the game when you can all then depart and have space before attending the game.

I question if they are divorced or just separated. Or if he still has a thing for her or if either still has hope of reconcilation.

You've been dating for 5 yrs and this hasn't all been worked out? I have kids so I can tell you that they will always count into anything I decide however after 5 yrs he should have some sort of balance that includes you in things. He doesn't want to rock the boat with his ex and is afraid this might happen if you come along. But treating you like you don't matter to him (having you stay in the hotel by yourself) is disrespectful to you. Things will never change and you will always be an after thought to him. If you aren't ok with this then its time to pack you bags and move on.

Your question is a little hard to understand due to the run-on sentences.

However, if you've been dating for 5 years, no you should not have to sit in a hotel room. That's ridiculous.

But, you should also be okay with him doing something without you, that includes his ex. She shouldn't be a threat to you after 5 years.

This whole relationship seems a little odd.

5 years is a long time to spend with a guy and not meet his daughter.

Considering the whole situation is a bit odd, I'd skip this trip altogether and make a point of meeting his ex on neutral ground.

I don't think that you belonged at the graduation celebration since that is no where to meet an ex's new GF. But you do need to meet and get it over with.

It's been 5 years. Baby steps? They should have started happening 4 years and 6 months ago. Then you need to baby step it out of his parents house if you're going to move forward with this guy.

Good luck. Guys with baggage can be gun shy, so keep pushing him along.

I'm a big believer in parents taking a good long time to introduce their kids to the person they are dating. If a divorce is messy, if kids are little and not ready to see their parent with someone new (at least until it's a sure thing that the relationship is going to last), and many other reasons say "wait and see."

However, 5 years? You met the son but not the daughter? Why?

If you just met the daughter, I can see that you weren't invited to her graduation. But why hadn't you met her? What is your boyfriend's reasoning? Even so, you have known her for 2 years - so why aren't you allowed in her company?

Now you are living with him and his parents, but you are not a part of family events? That sounds really strange to me. He doesn't know what "other parents" would say? About him dating a woman after being divorced for 5 years? If you aren't going to the game or meeting anyone, what is the point of you going at all to sit in the hotel?

And what part of you is not comfortable with him going if his ex is there? Do you think he is seeing her behind your back?

Get into counseling NOW with your boyfriend. He needs to figure out why he is so concerned with what things "look like" to his ex and to other parents of high school kids in the 21st century. Half of those parents are with non-spouses, for crying out loud! He's not all that "proper" if he is living with you under his parents' roof.

If you haven't given up your own apartment, I'd think about holding on to it until you work things out. Apparently you two need some space and are not entirely committed to each other yet.

At this point, I would think you would be going to pretty much everything, with the exception of medical appointments and school teacher conferences. But social things, holidays, graduations, games, dance recitals? You should be there. The kids are plenty old enough to understand that parents date after divorce. Something's wrong here, and I think it's with your boyfriend as well as your willingness to put up with it.

Very weird, they all should be used to this by now.

Hi L.,
ohh nooo like the rest has stated, this is not right on any level. I've been dating a man w/children, we also live together ( our own place ) its been less than 2 years, I've met his children 18&21, met and spent time with his parents several times ( they don't live in town ) invited to his son's graduation (with ex wife there ) we're openly together and every one knows it; those who don't like it- well....too bad.

There's something he's not being honest with you about. I mean, who does this? Stay in the hotel? Wow. I would've had some choice words to say over that.
I'm sorry hon, but if this what you settle for this is what you'll get. You deserve better!

If he's divorced why are you referring to her as "his wife"? This sounds all wrong. If after 5 years you are not included in his kids events, then it's time to move on...well, like 3 years ago you should have...

You've known the son for 5 years and the daughter for 2 and he's wondering if it's ok if you go to his game? No. Move on. You clearly are not a priority. JMO. Good luck.

My brain hurts after reading this.

Cut your losses and consider yourself lucky that you have a way out of this mess.

He moved in with his parents after his divorce?
Ok but now that you and he are ready to live together BOTH of you living with his folks is kind of weird.
You and he need to have your own place together.
As far as his ex and kids goes - he has a past that's not going to go away.
Either you trust him or you don't.
He and his ex are divorced for a reason - what do you THINK is going to happen if they attend their kids activities without you?
These kids are HIS kids and although you will presumably be a part of the family eventually - the kids are old enough where you probably are not going to need much (if any) parenting from you.
They probably don't care one way or the other if you go to their events.
Sounds like he and his ex are feeling out how to divide up family time and your presence is an added complication.
Baby steps is a fine idea.
You had a life before this boyfriend - does he want to attend all the things you use to (and presumably still do) go to?
Blending families takes time.

Additional:
You guys need some family counseling.
It's been 15 years and it sounds like he's acting still married to his ex in almost every way and in spite of having you for a girlfriend - he's still caught in limbo and not fully able to move on.
It's great he's taking care of his parents (and not the other way around).
He's taking care of EVERYBODY except himself (and you).
He's got a right to a life - but HE'S got to want it and you can't make him.
His ex cheated while she was married but where's her boyfriend now?
This guy is not committing to you - and after 5 years I'm not sure how much longer I could be patient with this situation.
Figure out where you want this relationship to go and if he's not willing to go there with you then you need to dump him and find someone else.