I have a real touchy question. My son is 25 months old & I am a stay at home mom. Everyone Sunday we go to my inlaws for dinner & my son & his cousin, who is about 30 months, play after dinner. Since my son is home with me all the time & not around too many other kids we have issues with sharing & hitting. I try my best to punish him, mostly with time out, for hitting me, my husband or anyone else. We also work on sharing, mostly mommys turn & daddys turn & his turn stuff. He really is a good kid but I can't get it thru his head that hitting is not nice. His cousin has a bad habit of taking toys from him, he is in daycare & should be much better at sharing, or bossing him around & my son ends up hitting him. My inlaws have a toy room down the hall & lately that is where they want to play, but we have to run in there several time to my nephew crying about my son hitting him. I know that most, and I say most not all, of the time it is provoked but because they are in the other room only my son is the one to get in trouble. I am having a realy hard time with this. My nephews parents don't really acknowledge him not sharing & never get on to him if he does take a toy. Now I face a major issue that my stop the family dinner nights all together. I brother in law is now telling his son to hit my son back if he gets hit. How do I deal with this situcation? I do not want my son hitting at all & do not feel that hitting back is the right solution. I want to tell them that if that is what they want to teach their son, then they either need to play where we can see them at all times or we will have to end the family dinners for a while. Suggestions would be good on how to deal with such a bad situation. I am not saying that my son is at perfect, but we do punish him if he hits his cousin & we constantly have talks with him about how it is not nice to hit & his cousin won't want to play with him if he keeps hitting!! Please help
My husband & I have discussed this in great detail and have decided to ask his parents to keep the room closed so they do not go in there & just bring toys out. That is what they used to do until his parents decided to make a toy/kids room. My father-in-law watched my son today while I had tests done & he also babysits my nephew every monday too. He did say that he had to get on to both of them for not sharing but there was no hitting or aggression! I do feel that most of the hitting & aggession comes from not having adults in the room. I have felt from the beginning that they do not play well together 100% of the time. My son does play well with other cousins & friends kids who are the same age. I however do not want to send the message of hitting back to my son because once his cousin hits him back, I know it will continue with a hitting war. Unfortunately my son is very head strong & doesn't give up easily which is why we are having problems with discipline! We are taking the approach of spanking if he continues to hit & it seems to be helping a little! Thank you all very much for all of your instight & responses.
Well, perhaps if your son gets a liitle taste of his own medicine, then that may make him stop hitting.
Hi J., I stayed home with my daughter until she was 2.5 yrs old. We did go to a 2 hour play time once a week (it was not a play group, but a mom's group - so we got adult talk and let the kids play). We also did a lot of 'sharing' at home - same thing, mommy's turn, etc. First, you are right, your son should not be hitting. And your nephew should not be taking things from him. I personally think they are too young to be playing down the hall from the adults - I think you probably need to be in there with them. I raised my daughter not to take things from people, to share and not to hit. Well...I quickly found out that almost no one else does that and she was being taken advantage of and it was very upsetting for me. So, I finally got to the point and still do it - where I point out the issue. So, if nephew takes the toy away, I would take the toy back and say "nephew, we have to share with our cousin" and if your son hits, same deal. Keep them both in line. Now...not that I like hitting at all, but it might be more persuasive with your son if his cousin hits him - then you tell him, "see that hurts, you do not hit". Daycare kids can sometimes be big snatchers of toys, they are expecting the other kids to take it away. So, anyway, I think you need to watch them more closely, they are too little to work it out (unless you all agree not to run in there and let them figure it out - and I don't think that is going to work). I also think if you try to stop BOTH the hitting and the toy snatching, that will help. Maybe your in-laws will notice their angel is guilty too, maybe not. BUT you will probably help the kids play better. Good luck!! K.
Flat-out honest answer: adult supervision for children this age. You're throwing 2 toddlers into a situation where there are no rules, no boundaries....& not only expecting them to behave responsibly, but expect them to behave in a manner in which there is no adult modeling.
With kids this age, you have to model the expected behavior & reinforce it through books, videos, & creative play. And even then you're going to have issues! That's normal.
It's also normal for parents to disagree on how to handle these situations. Each family will have their own way of approaching issues, & it's really unfair to judge each other....or to assume that someone's going to have to drop out of the activity- especially with family events!
On another note, the fact that your brother-in-law is encouraging his child to "hit back" says that you....as the adults....have allowed this to go on for too long!
That is really hard - it seems like from what you said that your family is not working with you, but it would be a shame to miss out on the time you're getting to spend with them. Would it be possible regardless of what the other child does to have your son bring some toys out where you can keep an eye on him and play there? It would not be ideal for conversation's sake but you may need to insist on that given the circumstances, to protect your child from getting stuck with the unfair stigma of the soul trouble maker. Just an idea.
I really agree with Amanda & could repeat everything she has said... I really think 25 & 30 months is really too little to be left alone in a play room. I know its nice to let them play there & have some adult time, but too bad, your the parent so someone needs to be watching the kids, you can take turns or bring them out were you are. My daughter is 3 1/2 & I'm just now letting her go off with her cousin in the play room by themselves.
But with that said, I also want to say I know how you feel. I think it is pretty normal when you get family together of the same age groups & each family parents a little differently. You are always going to take your sons side & try to protect him and same with your brother in law, he will always take his son's side. You can not change that. You can also not change the way they parent & if you try, they will probably just get mad. I have the same thing with my sister. She never steps in and disciplines her kids, I usually do, but if I do I am ALWAYS fair, who ever had the toy first gets it doesnt' matter if its my kid or hers, and if we didn't see who had it first, then it is taken away and noone gets it. Sometimes this makes my sister mad, but I know I'm being fair about it. This only works if you in the room with them watching, you can't teach your kids these things if they are in a room alone, you don't know what lead up to the hitting, so its hard to disipline appropertely. Even this weekend, my daughter was playing with my cousin little girl the exact same age, they both wanted the stroller & doll... we were border line about ready to fight when I steped in and said nicely, "lets take turns, you had it first so now let her have a turn" they both went around the circle once & then went back & forth taking turns & haveing fun. You have to step in before it gets to the hitting point.
Stoping family dinners in not the solution, unless you want to start tention for the rest of your lives. You are going to be facing problems like this for the rest of your sons life, with starting school & other bad kids in his class.... All you can do is raise your kido the best you can & teach him the values you want to teach him.
Hitting and not sharing are very normal for this age, just continue with what your are doing to teach him this in not nice and he will grow out of it.
J., I wish that my oldest daughter was a part of Mamapedia...she would be so much more elpful with a response that I could ever be!!! She is raising a fabulous 26 month old (OK I admit I am predjudiced just a bit!!) and one of the things she has been talking about on her blog ( http://codenamemama.com/ if you are interested in her thoughts on the subject, she has addressed it rather specifically in the last week or so.) You are raisinga little person there who has thoughts and feelings of his own. Not wanting to share and hitting are two typical pieces of being 2 years old. My feeling is that your main goal should be teaching your little fellow to be considerate of other peoples feelings, and to acknowledge his OWN feelings, NOT to just teach him that if he doesnt respond in a situation like the adults in his world want him to, he is going to be punished in some way. My daughter will draw our grandson aside if he is having an issue on one of their play dates and talk with him about how his actions are making the other child feel, she will let him know that she understands how he is feeling and normally, within a few minutes he will give up the toy that he had snatched away or he will go and apologize to the playmate that he has hit. In this way he is working it out in his own 2 year old mind, and LEARNING how to act and react to certain situtions...not just bebing forced by an adult to DO something that is going against every instinct in his little body. I think this approach will help to develop caring, thoughtful children and adults, instead of just teaching a child that if he doesn't do the right thing he is going to be punished. (What do you want him to do when you are not there to supervise?? That is why you want to help him think things through on his own). As far as the other child hitting your son, you might need to bring toys into the room where you are and suggest that they play in there, since "they seem to have issues of being able to get along on their own" ( that phrase doesn't seem to be blaming one child over the other and won't cause quite so much tension between you and the other childs parents!!)
DO go visit my daughters website if you are interested...not only does she have some really fabulous ideas ( I wish I could take credit but I can't...I wish I had been this wise when I was raising HER!!) but you get to see some fabulous shots of my grandsons which is a decided bonus...lol.
Good luck to you!!
R. Ann
Playtime should be supervised by an adult, period. At 25 and 30 months, neither child should be expected to be in control of their emotions at all times. Part of your job as a parent is to help your child learn how to negotiate interactions with other children. It takes a lot of time and a lot of repetition for the message to sink in for most children. They also need time for their brains to mature enough to develop more self-control. Hitting shouldn't be tolerated, but at this age, intervention before the situation escalates to hitting or separating the children after someone gets hit are your best options. I know it's frustrating and you'd like time to spend with the other adults in the family, but right now your son needs a responsible adult with him when he plays with other children.
J., I think you need to get your son out and about more often. It's never too early to learn how to socially navigate situations. Yes, he may witness hitting and other undesirable behaviors. but you can help him to learn from them and how he should handle himself in these situations.
Think about finding a playgroup, library story hour, gymboree, anything to put your son in more social situations.
I agree with the other posts that think these kids shouldn't be unsupervised. Bring toys out where the grown ups are and just understand that for a year or two more, you may need to keep them in your line of vision when you are at family gatherings. Hopefully, it will make the experience a happier one for everyone in your family. Keep us posted on how things turn out!
First, I suggest that there is an adult in the room with them at all times. At their age, they are not yet old enough to understand sharing fully nor do they/can they play by themselves without having some sort of tif! They still need direction and ideas of things to do and play because they are both still the center of their own worlds!!
As far as your brother not punishing your nephew, there is nothing you can do about how he does/doesn't raise him. Saying something would only make things uncomfortable. Instead, I would model good behavior when either one of them hits and say "We do not hit. Hands are for hugging and helping! Let's play a different game." They are probaby fighting over a toy or something very simple and by steering them in a different direction or to a different game, all will be forgotten soon.
If you do not want to be the one stuck watching them, ask your husband too or ask your brother to keep an eye on them since you've noticed they do not fight when there is an adult around.
