Problem with Son Who "Hates" His Dad

hi K.,

i completely agree with most of the other posts about him wanting more attention, the newborn in the house, him not really understanding the meaning of the word, and you being his lifeline. i don't believe punishing him is the answer. i also don't think ignoring it is the solution either.

self reflection is not something 4 year olds excel at but if i were in your shoes i would sit him down (either just you and him or with your husband as well) and talk to him about the behavior. explain to him that this is hurtful to daddy and that you both need to find a better way for him to get attention. you could try perhaps a secret word between the 3 of you. almost like a password that he can use if he needs a moment or two of undivided attention from you or your husband.

best of luck with everything. :-) S.

I don't think punishing him will help...it may actually make it worse.

I think the more he and Dad spend together the better. And be sure to encourage and enforce the good times...i.e. "wow...what a nice Dad you have to play ball with you" or whatever.

K. - I wasn't too concerned about the behaviour (my daughter tried it for a while at age 3) but coupled with your post about your son not wanting to use the toilet anymore makes it seem like there is something else going on. Have you considerd talking to a child psychologist? I have no idea how you would go about locating one and maybe I am way off base - but I just wanted to give you my outside (untrained) perspective.

Good luck

I've been reading the book "Playful Parenting" by Dr. Lawrence Cohen and it addresses this exact issue. I really recommend you pick it up.

Basically the idea is that your son is crying out for more attention, and because he's not getting it in the ways he's craving it, he's begging for it in other ways (ie: telling his dad he hates him). What your husband should do is really push your son phsyically. For instance, your son says "I hate you!" and runs to you. Your husband should acknowledge it and then turn it around on your son in a fun way: *dramatically* "Oh, you hate me do you? Then I guess I'll just have to build this fort of loneliness all by myself here. No, I can't take your help! This is my fortress of solitude." And when your son takes the bait, they can play. Let your son play on his own terms, not what your husband wants to do. He needs a sense of control in his play environment.

I completely understand how crazy it sounds, right? It sounds like you're indulging the bad behavior and condoning his actions. But you're not; you're acknowledging his feelings and giving him an outlet to express them.

Good luck!

I did notice that you have a newborn in the house. Can some of the behavior be because there is a new baby in the house? Maybe he is afraid of being angry at you for bringing the new baby in the house so dad get his anger because it is safer to be mad at dad. I think just keep having your husband tell him that is so sad because he loves him so much that he needs your sons love to be happy. have you husband talk to your son about the things he loves most about your son, maybe while they are working in the garage. This will make you son feel special. Good luck and hang in there, I am learning that things do work out.

"Hate" is a pretty strong word, I doubt if he knows the real meaning of it. Ask him what it means to HIM to hate someone....how can this apply to Daddy? Maybe he has heard it on TV, from friends etc, He is probably finding this is a "buzz word" that gets alot of attention. Make sure you don't use it, as we all do very lightly not realizing how kids pick up on explicatives! Be a great example, this will pass.
Kids his age always prefer Mom...you are his lifeline!