My father died 45 years ago and I have no memories of him My sister has his old truck (owned with my uncle) from when they farmed together. She has stored it at my moms for 27 years. Today when I called just to chat with my mom, she mentioned they were pulling the truck out of the garage so that my sister could sell it because she needs the money. My sister had no children; I have two sons and I have mentioned several times wanting to restore the truck for them so that I and my son's have some kind of connection to my father and the farm. When my mom mentioned what was happening, I got very upset and she did not seem to understand why my sister should let me know what was going on so that I could buy it from her or at least have the first chance to refuse to buy it. (We don't really have the $ right now but we could try to borrow.) I kept trying to get my mom to understand and she was truly mystified. I tried to mention my sons and she just kept saying, but it isn't your truck. When I tried to explain that I felt like my feelings (and my kids) were being ignored, she just kept saying "I don't know." My sister has a long history of impulsive behavior (she once took one of my father's guns from my mom's house without asking and gave it to a man she had been dating so that he could "clean it?" and he stole it and sold it to a pawn shop. She was only later able to recover it when she found the pawn stub in his pants pocket. ). I also feel like on some level she just wants to hurt me. So do I just let her sell the truck to someone else? Do I ask her to consider my kids' feelings or mine? Does anyone else have any kind of experience like this that was resolved?
Wow. To those of you who said I had no relationship with my father, it is because he died when I was two. Only a person who has experienced the death of a parent while a child could understand this.....and could understand the difference between having no memories and "no relationship."
I asked for folks with similar experiences with dealing with conflicts like this and I do appreciate your responses. There are some very good ideas here, like the photo and taking a piece from the truck and making it a business transaction with no emotions...all good ideas.
I do know how much it would cost (around 30K) (the engine is frozen, but in good shape, it was stored on cement, in a garage and it is actually 61 years old) and I have researched people who could do the work. My sons have been interested in this for a long time and have been saving money. My oldest is especially connected to the truck. We do not have the money right now because we just did two major remodels, but we do make good money and could afford this (my husband who has no connection to this truck is actually all for it). We also live in a agricultural area, so people would not be horrified by an old truck...one of my neighbors restores old cars.
I have not all of the sudden decided this. My mom and sister both knew that I wanted to buy it. My sister would NOT sell it too me earlier and did not mention to me at all that she was planning on selling it now. She would vaguely say things like "You need to let me have it for a year after you restore it?" and I think that is why she won't sell it to me. She can't afford to fix it and never will, but she doesn't want me to have it either. And that pisses me off. (I also don't think my dad would be okay with it either....yes I know the dead don't really care, but you know what I mean....)
Does a family member have any obligation to mention to other family members that she is selling an heirloom? What if a sister got a wedding ring and needed money and just sold it to a stranger because she needed money fast? Is that okay? To me, it isn't. And yes, there is history, but I tried not to get into it in detail out of some kind of respect to my sister. She has taken MANY family items and simply claimed them...I never said anything in order to keep the peace. I think I have gotten tired of keeping the peace.
If she is selling it, call her and ask if you can buy it. I get how you feel but I doubt there is anyway to make her sell it to you.
If she needs the money, she needs to work for it. You don't just get rid of family history without asking the rest of the family first. She should not sell it to you either in my opinion, she should give it to you. The amount of money she would probably get for it is not worth taking it out of the family, as the history behind it is worth much more. I'm not a materialistic person at all, but some things have sentimental value that cannot be replaced.
I don't know what you should do though. Just ask her and see if you can buy it I guess?
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A 45 year old truck that has been sitting in a garage somewhere for 27 years??? I am sorry I just don't see why you would want this to suddenly be sitting in YOUR garage!!! You said yourself that you never had a relationship with your Father...why would an old truck that is going to suck every bit of money that you and your sons can invest in it make you feel any closer to him?
I think there is some "history" between you and your sister that this is a lot more about than it is about your Fathers truck.
If I were you, I would forget about the truck...the chances of you ever getting it into a shape to actually be road worthy are pretty slim...and then you would be upset that your sister had given you a clunker that sucked up all of your money.
March your boys down there, take a picture of them in front of it, frame it, put it on the mantle and call it good.
I'm sorry you lost your dad. I lost my dad over a decade ago and I understand wanting to hang on to something of his, but in the end it's just a truck and not even one you had a strong connection to. *I* understand. I do, but don't turn this into a big thing. I'm sure you don't like your sister and you don't want your toes to be stepped on by her more than they already have in your lives together, but don't put your toes in the way to be stepped on.
Heck, ask for a license plate off of it, a hubcap if you want. Be gracious and don't create drama where it doesn't need to be created. This isn't a thing. Do your dad the honor of not tainting his possions/memories with a cat-fight.
You mentioned that you don't even have the money to purchase the truck right now unless you borrow. Think through this: You also very likely would have to come up with money to have the truck towed to your home (it's not going to drive there, is it?), and then store it at your home (do you have a garage? If not, will your local laws let you put a clearly old and unuseable vehicle out on a driveway or at the curb, or will neighbors complain if it sits out in the open indefinitely?). Or you'll have to pay someone to store it somewhere. All those expenses are even before you attempt to have it restored, and unless you, your husband and sons are already whizzes at truck restoration....You get the picture. And again -- you can't even afford the initial purchase, before any of these other questions and costs get started. Yes, cost is no object for a deeply beloved heirloom, but this heirloom has been in someone else's possession for decades and they may be surprised that you really meant you wanted it. If you have only "mentioned" having the truck for your sons, how recently did you mention it? To whom, your mom, or your sister who has possession? Did you say in passing that "it would be nice if..." or did you say straight out, "I'm asking you if we can have the truck for our boys to remember Dad?" Do your kids really have feelings about this that she should consider, or have the boys shown any interest in this truck and restoring it, or are all the feelings between you and your sister? If your sons had asked about the truck, she and your mom would better understand the interest.
Maybe you approach her without seeming upset to ask if she would consider selling you the truck for your boys. If you don't have a good relationship with her & there is a possibility that she is doing it out of spite, then don't let her know it bothers you. Just make it a business deal. Try & keep all emotions out of it:)
If the truck means that much to you, just ask her to sell it to you. I'm sure that your money is as good as anyone else's. I'd keep the whole feelings aspect out of the conversation because that really doesn't have anything to do with what this really is, a simple transaction. I think by bringing up all these old feelings and how hurt you are, you confused your mom and are pretty much clouding what you are really wanting to say to sister: "I'd like the truck. Will you sell it to me?"
Call her soon before it is too late and just work out some kind of deal that is mutually beneficial to the both of you. To your sister, it is probably just an old truck that she needs to sell in order to get some money but to you it is clearly so much more. She doesn't have to know that. All she needs to know is that you are a viable seller. Tell her clearly and calmly what you want and I am sure that you can work out a deal. No use bringing up all these past hurts and feelings into it to cause turmoil when turmoil is absolutely not needed.
Good luck.
I can understand the sentimentality of it, but if it has been stored there for 27 years and you haven't yet acted on your desire to buy it from her to restore for your sons, then how long do you expect her to wait?
I'm not sure why you immediately jump to the concern that she is doing this to spite/hurt you. Is there something more to your history with your sister that you left out?
It is easier said than done, but a bird in the hand is usually worth more than 2 in the bush. Why ruin your relationship with your mother (by putting her in the middle of this) and your sister, whom are both still living, over a truck that belonged to someone whom you had no relationship with (per your own admission), nor did your sons?
Call your sister. Let her know that your mother said she was selling the truck and you'd like to have it for your boys. See what she says. You should have first choice to purchase it! I'm on your side here...
I lost both my parents, when I was young. I understand where you are coming from. There are a few things that I wish I had, and they are in the possesion of non-family members. I totally understand what you are feeling. What I have told myself is "it won't bring them back". What I mean is, if I had X that belonged to my dad, its still not going to bring him back. Its not really going to make me feel any closer to him if I had that object. I have really learned to let go of the "objects". The only thing I really like to have is pictures.
I am sorry you lost your dad at such a young age. I know what that is like. My heart goes out to you, good luck.
"So do I just let her sell the truck"?
Your mother is right, it isn't your truck? It's clear that your sister and you don't get along and you feel like your mom is taking sides. I hope you have lots photo's of you father and stories that the family remembers about him. As for truck, after 45 years +, it's time to let it go. If there is a possibility that you and your sister could reconcile, that would be the most respectful thing the both of you could do to honor the memory of your father.
I know that is not always possible, I have one sister who is better at hating then loving or forgiving who can hold a grudge FOREVER. I can assure you it hurts her more than anyone else. So all I can do is pray for her and forgive her.
Blessings....
Could you ask your mom if there is something else of your fathers you could have? How about one of the other old guns? I agree with Dawn that a 45 year old truck will be a money pit and you acknowledged you don't have it although you should have been given first dibbs on the truck.
If she won't sell it to you, have a friend contact her and buy it for you. Is it sneaky? Yep but if you want the truck and she won't sell it then work around the problem. But be ready to hear the ramifications from family members, like your mom. I'm sorry for the loss of your father. While you might not have "known" him he was and is a part of you. Good luck!
Just ask her how much is she going to sell it for. Then let her know if she cannot sell it, you would like to purchase it from her.. Or offer her what she wants..
BEFORE you do any of this, get a realistic price of what it really going to take to first.. get it running, then to restore it to the condition you are thinking of..
My husband has had great intension of restoring vehicles.. He is great at purchasing cars for a REALLY good price and getting them running, but once you get to the "making it look good".. he has never been able to complete those projects.. We just have never had the money to bring it up to his "dream level". The good news he has always made a profit, but he also knows a lot about cars and where to get parts for free or hardly any cost around here.
my mom and her brothers went through this and one uncle never talked to the other 2 till he died. my so and his sisters went through this and they havent talked for over a year. so the only thing resolved was hurt feelings and divided families. but in my opinion offering to buy it is more than fair and the saying it isnt your truck also holds true. I wish you luck
I'm with Jessica M. here, and Kansasmom. Even if you could afford it, had a shop to store it in, and your sons were budding mechanics, restoring this truck would not necessarily create a connection for them to your father.
I lost my mother five years before my only daughter was born. She has her grandmother's name as a middle name, and she hears stories about her grandma, and has seen pictures. That's all I can do.
I assume somehow the truck is legally hers versus yours and it was decided in a fair way? If so, technically it is hers but I agree with you that it's unkind to not offer it to you. If she really needs the money and you can't pay now, then nothing you can do. But she sounds like someone perhaps you shouldn't go out of your way for... Try not to let it eat you up because it won't help but I'd sure remember if I were you and she wants you to do something for her.
