Problem in a Boys Group - What Do I Say to the Mom?

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A 12 year old boy says "too bad sucker"? and a Mom wants to have a meeting about it? Overkill if you ask me. I would tell the Mom you don't think a meeting is necessary for such a minor comment.

Let me clarify your post. You're a leader who assigns teams to leaders? And she's asking you to put her son into a different leader's group? If so then I'd just transfer the kid and tell her that you will talk with the leader she's unhappy with and take appropriate action.

I'm unclear about calling a meeting. A meeting with whom? If it's parents then I'd just be frank with her and say that doing this is inappropriate.

Are you the supervisor of the various leaders? If so you can handle it any way that you want to handle it. Why are you concerned about offending her? It appears that she is trying to stir up discontent. If other parents have not complained there is no grounds for any sort of action.

Be diplomatic when you explain to her what you've decided to do. Don't let her force you into taking action that you don't think is right. Stand up and be the supervisor. You don't have to explain anything. You can tell her that you're aware of his language and he's working on it. You don't see any grounds for further action at this point. And you'll be glad to move her son.

What is written down as a way to handle this sort of complaint? You can cite policy if there is a written one.

Is the 12 year old a leader of other 12-13 year olds? If so for that age, I would not call "sucker" bad language. If he's leading younger boys, say under 9 or something, then maybe he should curb it.

??? I didn't understand the question. What is the boy a leader of? Did I miss something?

The post is confusing. You are a leader, the boy is a leader; the mom is --the mom of another child, right? Someone else seemed to post thinking that the mom is the parent of the boy who supposedly said "sucker."

Going on what we have here, and as a Girl Scout troop leader -- I agree with the person who said that if "sucker" is the worst thing a boy this age says, you're actually doing OK.

The mom (assuming here it is a mom of another boy in the group, not the mom of the boy leader who has the language issue) sounds like she is overreacting. She may have a point here IF this boy-leader has had a serious issue in the past with language around the other boys; maybe this is a last straw for her and that's why she's so worked up about "sucker." But it also sounds to me as if she's undermining your adult leadership. She could just ask that you talk to all the boys about language and what is and is not appropriate in meetings of this group.

In fact that's what I'd offer her: "We know about the use of the term 'sucker' and we know Boy Leader has had issues with language. But we also know he is actually trying to curb this habit, and although we too find 'sucker' crude, it isn't cursing. We have already told him that it's off limits to say that, and at the next meeting we are having a talk with all the boys about language and what is and is not appropriate. And then the boys themselves are going to lead the discussion and set their own rules for real and meaningful consequences for bad language during meetings and events."

Yep, these boys are old enough to come up with their own "contract" they would write out and all sign, pledging not to curse or use crude or derogatory language. Seriously. Use this as a teaching moment. In Girl Scouting, it's all about "girl empowerment" and many troops create their own rules at the start of the year and sign off on them, and girls hold each other accountable. That might help here. Do NOT single out this one boy or this one remark that MAY have happened (you say in the post that it was "something along the lines of..." so it seems you, yourself, did not hear the alleged remark). Make it a broader conversation but end up with real consequences that the boys themselves set up.

Maybe a kid who talks a certain way loses the ability to go on the next field trip, or gives up something else desirable in meeting time. The BOYS should decide this as a group, with you as adult leader facilitating but not telling them what to do.

Good opportunity here. If the mom wants to pull her son out over this, I think she is being oversensitive and very short-sighted. But she might not pull him at all if you take the lead and turn this into a teaching opportunity and an opportunity for real empowerment among the boys themselves.

Sounds like your not entirely sure of the situation as a whole. I would stay out of it. Not really your call if she should/ shouldn't have discussed this with the adult leadership. Personally, I think all you will do is create drama.

She felt it to be innapropriate. This may have been just one more thing to add to her already uneasy feeling about this child. It's her prerogative to handle it how she sees fit. As long as it isn't your child it's not really necessary to take it so personal. Let it be and see what happens.

Take care

This post is completely confusing. You might want to do a SWH, and clarify the situation.

I wouldn't get involved because you are a third party. All you know for sure is he uses bad language.

So far as the too bad sucker goes, read it. What I mean is read that phrase saying it all different ways. Say it mean, say it demeaning, say it witty, say it sarcastically, say it sing song..... That is the problem with second hand, you don't know the tone it was said in and even if the words are correct.

Boys at this age are doofises. They say and do stupid things. I would not want to get caught up in overprotective mom drama. Of course this is just my take on life.

What kind of "group" is this anyway?
You didn't mention that.
Is it a school student body type club or group?
Or an extracurricular group/sports group/boy scouts????

If this is a "club" or sports organization etc., then shouldn't the "group" have a clearly delineated "code of conduct" or "rules" for that organization???? And if so, then it should also have, a protocol.... of how problems are handled.... and per the behavior of its members, and the chain-of-command on WHO handles any said complaints or problems of the members.... AND "who" to report any problems to.

It seems this "group" of boys, are elected into their positions. And there should be rules of conduct. And the consequences of any rules that are broken.

Thus, it does not matter what you may think or assume about the boy and his relationship with his Mom. Because, this has to do with the boy's behavior.... and his position in the group and thus, his "responsibility" of his said position, for which he was elected.
AND, this boy, despite his use of bad language and bad attitude.... WAS re-elected.

I would be seriously concerned about my child being exposed to this leader because it sounds like we're talking about a pattern of behavior (the cursing and then the very poor sportmanship) that shows, based on what you've said here, that he is not ready to be in a position of leadership over other children.

There is much more to leadership than making phone calls and things like that. Quite honestly, I would likely not remain in a group with a leader such as you describe.

Is this Scouts? Iwanas?
Let the boys handle their own quibbles.
Why is the mom getting involved in the first place? What's going to happen when baby boy doesn't make the wrestling team in high school? These kids are 12 years old, they are not in diapers anymore.
And I wouldn't bet on a 12/13 yo trying to curb any bad habits. He'll use those words when adults are not around to give him grief.
Stay out of it. Or just simply state the boys need to handle this themselves.

At worst, it sounds like the boy might have been a bit of a sore winner. But that depends on how the boys typically interact with each other, and how the phrase was spoken.

Was the Mom who called the opponents mother? If not, she needs to back off. If the Mom was the opponent's mother, and the opponent felt insulted by the comment, the opponent/boy needs to deal with it. His inability to deal with it on his own may have contributed to him not being viewed as a leader. Again, Mom needs to back off.

You should stay out of it and so should the other mom. THis is how teenage boys roll-actually this is pretty tame. NOthing good can come of her meddling in this. What is most likely to happen is that her son will look like a fool mamas boy and resent her for it.

Bad language (that he is trying to work on) & poor sportsmanship...hmmmm... aren't these things that the entire group could work on in their "boys group" meetings? That is how I would approach the mom. This is a learning opportunity for everyone and everyone can be involved in the process of making a change, not only for the "leader", but for all the boys. Not a perfect world and now is as good a time as any to help all those boys learn how to affect a change through a positive and supportive process. Thank you for making time in your busy day to meet with the concerned mom. Peace to you, B..

He didn't curse. I really don't see the problem other than he wasn't a gracious winner. Unfortunately, look at the sports superstars - they aren't gracious winners or losers!

If you are the adult of some sort of boy's group, and a Mom finds out that her son behaves rudely, but hasn't been corrected on his bad behavior when she's not there, then I think her wanting to have a meeting to discuss the issue is legitimate. If I found out that my son was cursing and was behaving rudely when I wasn't there, I would definitely want to tell whatever adult is in charge that I would appreciate it if they would tell him to knock it off and let him know that it is unacceptable.

Kids often change their behavior when they are not at home, and if an adult takes responsibility for a group of kids, then they have the authority and responsibility to make sure the kids behave properly....especially if you are in a group like Boy Scouts where learning character is intregal to the program. I also wouldn't necessarily assume that she is going to be upset with you...I have had meetings with my kids' teachers about little behavior issues with my kids, and they always end up surprised that I tell them that I support their efforts to handle my kids. Often adults don't correct other people's kids because they are nervous or think it isn't their place. But, if my son, says, "Sh!t!" I would expect the adult in charge to tell him that it isn't okay, not just brush it off because he is generally a good kid.

Hope this helps.